Premonition or Paranoia?

This topic has been on my mind the last couple of weeks. It started when someone on my stillbirth message board started a discussion about premonitions of our babies dying. I had thought about this, but not really. Lately, I can’t get it out of my mind...

I haven’t even shared this with Gib…

Was I having premonitions that Grady would die or was I just paranoid?

I’m not sure.

This is a hard post for me to write today. Hard, but necessary…

When I found out that I was pregnant a little over a year ago, it was really hard for me to believe. I honestly thought we were finished and our family was complete with our two precious girls. I literally had to keep reminding myself that I was pregnant. If I hadn’t been so nauseous, I truly think I might have forgotten. At least until my belly got so big...

It all seemed surreal to me.

Then I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks and saw that tiny heartbeat. WOW!

Two weeks later, that “bean with a beat” now had sprouts growing off of it (arms and legs).

And so it went, week after week, I got bigger and bigger. Five ultrasounds of a healthy baby. Ultrasound of my cervix every two weeks. Normal blood work. Full-term baby. Seemingly healthy baby...

I was unsure about having a little boy in our “girl world”. It was hard for me to picture him as part of our daily lives. As much as I wanted to, and tried, I never could fully grasp it my entire pregnancy.

Fast forward to when we were painting the nursery. I picked the color, Gib painted and put the crib together. This was in July before he went back to work for the school year. I thought, “Have we jumped the gun?” “Are we doing too much too soon?” "What if something happens to him?" I tend to be a procrastinator and didn’t want to have the stress at the end of the pregnancy to rush and get everything done at once.

At the time, I just thought I was worried about prematurity – which was true.

But...

Premonition or paranoia???

When we would talk about him, we would always say “Baby Grady”. That sounded so sweet to me. But when I would picture myself calling his name as he got older, “Grady” didn’t seem right. I’m not sure why because I love that name. I just couldn’t picture him being any bigger than a baby.

Premonition???

Then came the baby showers. I had two (well, four really). One small one with my very closest of friends, and one with the people I worked with. My supper club gave me a diaper shower, and Gib’s co-workers went in together to get us a really nice big gift.

As I was writing my thank you notes, I would always hesitate when writing something like, “I know he will look so cute in that outfit” or “I know Baby Grady will have a great time playing in that activity center”. This was just the week before he was to be born, but ultimately died. I can’t explain the hesitancy I felt every time I wrote those words...

Premonition or paranoia???

I remember Gib putting together the activity center right after we got it. I should have been excited, but I felt a little angry that he was doing it so soon. After all, Grady wasn’t even here yet and he wouldn’t be able to play in it until he was about 4-5 months old. Why go ahead and do it? Oh well, I let it go but distinctly remember telling him, “Don’t throw away the box!”

What did he do?

He threw away the box... (sigh) Now we have a great Baby Einstein activity center that can’t be taken back. It’s just sitting in the closet.

Premonition or paranoia???

I don’t know. But I remember telling a friend of mine that I really wasn’t surprised that Grady wasn’t here with us. The whole pregnancy just seemed so surreal to me.

Surreal or not...

I hate it!

I wish he was here...

Love,
Tonya