Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, April 6, 2009

I Accept. I Trust. In Spite Of...

...the fact that I don't like it.

It's NOT what I want...

As you can tell, I'm still not doing great (or even good for that matter). Gib asked me last night what I think it is that has brought back my grief with such a vengeance. I don't think there is a concrete answer to that question. It's the hard and difficult roller coaster of grief. It's the unimaginable dream of losing my unborn child. My friend, Ebe, described it last night as a "deep, unsettling ache". I would have to agree.

The title of my post may be confusing, so let me explain. But first, let me preface with this....I really don't know who reads my blog. I'm hoping that lots of people do. I don't know where you are spiritually, or if you have faith at all. If you do, it may or may not be in the same God that I believe or trust. What I post here is based on my belief in our risen Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He's all I have to hold onto.


And to be honest, I don't know where I'd be right now if I did not have that hope.

So, having said that, I hope that you'll keep reading and know that I'm speaking for myself and not trying to intrude or impose my beliefs onto you in any way! I welcome all readers!!!

I accept. I trust. In spite of the fact that I don't like it.

You see, being a Christian doesn't always mean the road before us is without difficult hills to climb. It doesn't mean that it is paved perfectly without pot holes that we can fall into. It doesn't mean that we won't have sharp, winding curves that we can't see around (I'm pretty thankful for that!). It also doesn't mean that our road won't take us to the edge of a cliff where we have to quickly and strongly put on the brakes, back up, and get on the right path again.

God never promised any of us an easy road. But His promises are true to always love us, guide us, be with us and never leave us, NO MATTER WHAT! It's the times when we think He's the farthest away that He's really the closest...

Yesterday was part two of our sermon, Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I won't go into all of the details of that sermon, but I will tell you that David was faced with another trial when things were going really well for him. He was already king and was betrayed by his son, Absalom (2 Samuel 15). Instead of fighting back this time and taking things into his own hands, he surrendered. He left his palace and said something that was very powerful to me...

2 Samuel 12:26, "...let him do to me whatever seems good to him."

David is referring to God, not his son Absalom. Our dreams are not always God's will. But He sees the big picture that we cannot. Even though I don't like these circumstances. Even though I want Baby Grady back with all of my being. Even though there are times in the day that I feel like I can't go on. Even when all I want to do is just go to heaven with my family and not experience any more of this hurt and anguish here on this earth.

GOD KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, even if I don't agree.

Andy Stanley phrased it very well yesterday when he said this...

"Our faith in God stands apart from our dreams".

My faith and trust remain. Even though my dreams are shattered. Even though my heart is broken beyond words.



  1. Tonya,

    I found your name on Ebe's blog. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Grady is absolutely beautiful. My son, Kyler, was born into the arms of Jesus 5 years ago. I didn't begin blogging until about a year ago so it's been encouraging for me finding Christians like you who are holding onto God's promises. I am also saddened for you and others I have come into contact with.

    I am praying for you, your husband and your daughters. You and I are at different stages of grief. I miss Kyler every day, yet I don't cry everyday anymore. It does get easier, but life is never the same. Thank you for sharing your faith and your story. Keep clinging to Jesus and the hope we do have. Romans 8:18 says, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

    The grace of the glory of God is displayed in your life. God won't waste a single hurt that we endure. I'm praying for you!

    Love in Christ,

  2. Tonya, Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you...I was in Computer Lab with your Beautiful daughter today. Your blogs are truly an inspiration to me! Love, Your sister in Christ,Pam

  3. What a beautiful post. Yes, we trust, in spite of what our circumstances say. Thanks for writing this.

    Thinking of you and Grady today.