Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


I wrote this post yesterday and last night. However, I fell asleep with Emma Grace and woke up at midnight and crawled into my own bed. I had titled it "Flighty Friday" because I was jumping from one idea to another. Now I don't really know what to call it, so it's just "untitled"!

Hope you can follow along...

Many of you have asked how my “presentation” went with the doctors on Wednesday. It went very well, I think. It was very relaxed (not me – the atmosphere!). Everyone was seated around the outside of tables arranged in a square. I didn’t have to stand up to talk so that was great because like I said earlier, I’m not sure my legs would have held me up! Dr. Joe introduced me, which I wasn’t expecting. I wasn’t even sure he would want to be associated with me at the meeting, even though he invited me to come speak. The introduction helped a lot because then I wasn't such a "stranger" in this formal hospital business meeting.

I briefly told my story, including all three deliveries and my miscarriage. I explained that I received excellent care and would think of going nowhere else to have a baby, but the ball was dropped at discharge because of the lack of support and/or support networks. The docs and nurse managers were very receptive and agreed that something needed to be in place. It was discussed in a little detail, and the director of women’s services said she would be in touch with me.

So, I wait. Which is fine with me! All of this has happened so quickly, maybe too quickly, but nonetheless, it’s what I’m supposed to do. I’ll take it as it comes. If I haven’t heard from her in 3-4 weeks, I’ll contact her again. But I’m happy to wait. I left the meeting and walked to Dr. Joe’s office to see his sweet staff, who have now become my friends. I ended up having lunch with them, and it was a great visit. Thanks ladies!! A great day, overall!

And just to let you know, I emailed Dr. Joe to thank him for inviting me to the meeting, and he said that I "fooled everyone about the nervousness - no sign of it at all." Maybe he was just being nice, but I hope not. I hope that I came across as being confident and sure of myself - although I don't think I've ever really felt that way in my life. But I can try hard to make others believe it anyway, right?

Yep. I thought so!


Wednesday afternoon, as I was posting about Grady’s service, I heard chanting behind me in the backyard. I turned around to see this...

This is my girls, obviously, and our favorite little friend who lives next door, Sidney, carrying this humongous stick/branch/tree. Whatever you might call it. They were chanting, “Let’s go girls, let’s go – woo woo!” “Let’s go girls, let’s go – woo woo!” around the whole house. Too funny!


Thursday was a good day, until the evening, that is.

When I went to pick Emma Grace up from school, I saw a friend who I’ve been trying to get together with for a long time. She and her girls were free, so we grabbed lunch and came back here to play. Thanks Rhonda – the girls had a great time!!!

Jessica has wanted to play with Sidney without Emma Grace all week. So, in order to give them some time together at Sidney’s house, I took Emma Grace to the grocery store with me. She wanted to make banana pudding for dessert until I explained that we didn’t really have time before dinner. She settled for making instant chocolate mint mousse that she made herself. I didn’t think it was very good (not because of her abilities, just because of the instant pudding package it came in), but the girls loved it and that’s what counts!

The day fell apart after dinner. I had a breakdown. It wasn't pretty. I was grumpy. I felt like my children weren’t listening to me (well, they weren't!) and, unfortunately, I raised my voice.


I yelled.

I hate to yell.

But not as much as my girls hate it. I hurt Emma Grace’s feelings. I felt terrible. I looked at Gib and said, “See, this is why I don’t have a third child! Because I can’t even handle the two I’ve got! I'm a terrible mom!"

My heart was angry and jealous. I felt ugly, inside and out. These feelings were stirred because of talk about another baby, someone else's baby. It wasn’t just that I had lost my cool, it was that my whole life has been negatively impacted by losing Grady with family and friends, and both socially and personally. It was that I was feeling sorry for myself for what I don’t have.


I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way, but there’s a feeling that starts in the pit of your stomach and rises to the base of your throat. It almost feels like you can’t breathe and definitely can’t take a deep breath. You feel like you might even explode. I hate it!

Sweet Jessica came to me, hugged me and told me that I wasn't a terrible mom. Her words exactly, "You're not a terrible mom. A terrible mom wouldn't make us dinner. A terrible mom wouldn't do laundry at night so I would have a red shirt to wear tomorrow." (She and Sidney have been coordinating their outfits every day, from the hair to the shoes - cute or what?) I grabbed her and hugged her so tight, thanked her, told her I loved her, and apologized to both of them for yelling. Doesn't make it right, but it makes me feel better to apologize and admit that I was wrong...


Those ugly feelings spilled over into Friday, but I was able to put them aside and still have a great day! I got to hang out with a great new friend of mine, Ebe. We spent the whole day together. For me, it feels like we’ve been friends forever. She had a beautiful baby boy, Owen, who was stillborn one year and four days before Grady, but we shared the same due date, only one year apart! She brought her baby book and shared it with me – it was an honor. Thank you for sharing Owen with me!


I’m not sure why, but I’m going to the local grocery store this morning. It's not unusual for me to go to the store, but I’m not going for groceries. I’m going to see what dogs the humane society will have with them today. Yes, I’m getting the “dog itch” pretty bad.

Ahem, did I just say that out loud?

We’ve almost convinced Gib, I think. I don’t plan on coming home with one, unless I find just the right one. Then I’ll have to bring out my own puppy dog eyes and BEG my husband. I’ll let you know how it turns out!

The girls have a birthday party today at the mall. I’m going to drop them off, get some coffee or a diet coke, and hang out in the bookstore by myself. Ahhhh, doesn't that sound good? Too bad I don’t have a laptop...I could work on my next post!

I hope you have a great weekend with your families! Our weather is supposed to be beautiful today, so we're going to enjoy it!

Oh, and if you haven't checked on Stellan lately, he could still use your prayers. He's been transferred to Boston and will possibly have an ablation on Tuesday, very risky for a baby his age and size. You can click on his picture on my sidebar to read more.



  1. Did you get a dog today?! = )
    I'm sure Gib won't be able to resist your puppy dog eyes.

    Um, that is a huge stick!!
    Your girls are so cute.
    I enjoyed getting to know them too.

    I had such a great time with you yesterday. I'm glad you feel the same way I do. It does feel like we've been friends for years! It's so comfortable.
    I'll come over anytime!

    hope the rest of your day is great

  2. You are a wonderful Mom. I know this to be an absolute truth. Never believe the lie that you are a terrible mom... if you don't, I won't.

  3. I know you don't truly believe that comment you made, Tonya. You are absolutely a wonderful and loving mother, but I know things like that can ring in your ears later. You know the girls don't believe that, so I really hope that you have already forgiven yourself because I know they have.