Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Senseless Saturday

Today is one of those days. I don't know if I'm coming or going. My thoughts are many. My mind is busy and distracted. I'm sad. I'm grumpy. I really have no exact topic to write about. So, bear with me. This will probably just be a whole lot of rambling.

This past week has been a whirlwind of fun, chaos and emotions.

Gib was on spring break this past week. Unfortunately, it didn't coincide with the girls' spring break which was the week before. Gib's best friend, Stephen, came to visit from Vermont with his two boys. Gib, Stephen and I all went to high school together. They were with us from Monday until Thursday. We all had a great time!

Stephen and Gib

Stephen and his boys, Noah (on his lap) and Nick

Noah and Emma Grace (could this be a future rehearsal dinner picture or what?!)

I registered Emma Grace for Kindergarten Thursday afternoon. It was exciting but sad all at the same time. I held her back last year because of the long school day. She was ready academically, but I felt she needed a little more time. It has been really nice only having her in school half days again this year. I love spending the afternoons with her.

Here's a funny story. I had looked for her birth certificate a couple of times, and I just couldn't find it. Then I thought I remembered that I never sent off for one. So, I got a money order, filled out the request form and mailed it. Thursday morning Stephen and I were having coffee, and Gib got out our files to start looking himself. I said, "It's not in there. I've already looked." I was stressed about everything I had to do that day. Stephen grabbed my hands and we prayed. He asked God to help me relax and let me find the papers that I needed. No joke, right after we said Amen, Gib pulled out a paper and said, "What's this?" It was her birth certificate! I couldn't believe it! Next on the agenda was her social security card. I just knew we didn't have that either. I was getting Emma Grace dressed and here comes Gib again. "Look what I found!" It was her social security card! WOW!!!

Friday was a CRAZY, busy day. Emma Grace has "reactive airway disease". If you don't know what that is, the easy answer is that it's a form of asthma. She doesn't have to have breathing treatments all the time, but sometimes a cold, or in this case the pollen, can trigger her to wheeze and cough. I ended up taking her to the doctor first thing Friday morning to get something to help her. She's on a steroid and breathing treatments for the next five days. And let me tell you, the steroid is making her GRUMPY!!! (and that's an understatement!)

After the doctor, Gib and I took her to school for her Easter egg hunt. She had a great time, even though the eggs had to be put out in the fellowship because it poured down rain!

And so, here's the story of my life. There is a, you guessed it, BABY! This baby had the exact same due date as Grady, December 5th. This is an amazingly sweet family who lives in our neighborhood. I have somehow not seen them since Grady died. Well, their little boy was having his egg hunt the same time as Emma Grace. I was blind-sided. I am not a betting person. But I would bet my last penny that this mom told me her baby was a girl. NOT! I had to do a double-take. The dad was clearly holding a baby boy. Now, there's always the possibility that the doctor was wrong or my memory isn't as good as I thought (and I have a pretty good memory). But it was such a painful, "in-my-face" moment.

Exactly what I would have in my arms if he hadn't died.

The family did nothing to make me feel bad. I kept my distance. It's just the reality of my life. The cold, hard reality that I live with every day.

The day did get better. I had lunch and a great visit with one of my very best friends who was in town. I don't get to see her very often, so it was a treat for me! We spent the afternoon together. I was so thankful to have that time with her!

Today I've just been grumpy. Maybe Emma Grace's steroid is rubbing off on me. I'm not exactly sure what it is. I did have a great morning and afternoon with the girls. We went shopping for some new shoes and had lunch at Chick-fil-A. Always a treat! YUM!

The girls played outside the rest of the day, Gib researched Disney cruises, and I journaled and rested. I SO WISH I was a day-time sleeper. But I'm not. I really could have used a good nap this afternoon...might have helped with my grumpies.

I am not looking forward to the days ahead. I could really use your prayers. Tomorrow is Easter, and I'm not even excited. I'm trying for my girls. Tomorrow is Grady's five month "angelversary". Tuesday is the day that he should be turning five months old if he had been born on his scheduled c-section date. Tuesday is also the day that my mom died two years ago. Wednesday is my big presentation to the doctors at the hospital to present my ideas about starting a perinatal loss/bereavement support group. AAGGHHH! It's all a bit overwhelming for me.

Thanks for reading about my Senseless Saturday. Have a great night ~


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