Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


It has been a long time since I've blogged...until today when I blogged about our trip to Colorado, that is.

It has been an especially long time since I blogged about anything really deep...the kinds of things that come from that deep, dark place inside of me. I used to be so good at sharing, but I've gotten really good a shoving those thoughts and feelings aside.

I don't really know why.

Maybe it's because I don't think many people read my blog anymore. Maybe it's because I think people just want to read "happy" stuff. Maybe it's because I think people simply just don't care anymore. But, for whatever reason, I don't blog about "deep" issues. But I'm about to...

I have some confessions. Don't ask me why I chose to do it tonight or why I chose to do it at all. Because the answer would be a huge and honest, "I don't know!". However, I was doing dishes tonight, and I felt like I needed to write out some confessions I've been keeping secret.

So, here goes...

*I started my own support group in February with Rock Goodbye Angel. This support group serves the area around the hospital where I delivered Grady. It is so important and special to me. But I'll be honest...I feel guilty sometimes that I'm so far removed from my loss and that my feelings aren't as raw as others' in the group. I know this is a good thing because I'm able to focus and help them through it. And, please don't get me wrong...I still tear up and get emotional at times because the raw pain and emotion is so evident. I remember those feelings. I still have them at times, and I'm thankful they come few and far between. But at times, I feel guilty for being where I am emotionally and wish everyone else could be there, too...

*Along those same lines, I have people in my support group who have had premature babies who have not lived. I struggle with feeling guilty, yet being so happy, that Emma Grace is alive and well today when their babies are not here with them. I don't know why Emma Grace lived at 25 weeks. I don't know why she not only lived but is so healthy with no problems from her prematurity. It is truly, simply a miracle. I don't know what God's will is for her life, but I give Him all the glory and know that I'm extremely grateful to have her here in my arms. I remember so clearly when we thought she wouldn't be. Unfortunately, that is the reality of some of the families I meet, and my heart absolutely breaks for them.

*I'm extremely sad that my child rearing days are over. I hear of people expecting babies and wish it was me. But then I remember how my body didn't agree with pregnancy (except with Jessica), even though I LOVED feeling the baby growing and moving inside of me. And then I remember the lack of sleep and how it really about pushed me over the edge after Matthew was born. But then I reason that it was extremely difficult because I was pumping AND trying to take care of him and that was why it was so hard. The truth, though, is that I'm done having biological babies, and I really am okay with that. Most of the time... Although I'm open to adoption if God lays it on mine and Gib's hearts one day.

*I'm super disappointed in myself. I started this year with some pretty big goals of getting in shape and running a half marathon by my 40th birthday in September. I started off really strong but fell off the wagon. Hard. I won't go into detail, but I've been dealing with some emotional "junk" and haven't been able to find my way back to the "happy" side of things yet. I don't have much motivation and seem to have a hard time doing anything really good for myself. My mind tells me one thing, but my body responds in a completely different way. SO FRUSTRATING! I don't blame anyone but myself because we are all in control of our choices, but still...I'm stuck!!! :/

*I am so torn between wanting to be home with Matthew and wanting to get a job. I still have the dream to be a perinatal loss coordinator in a hospital, specifically the hospital where Grady was born, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I've thought about trying to go into hospice. I've thought about being a NICU nurse. I've thought about going back to teaching breastfeeding and infant safety/cpr classes. But I've just thought about it. I tried to apply for one hospice job online and got so overwhelmed that I quit in the middle of it. Gib helped me get my resume together, but something is holding me back. I feel like I need to work, not only to help provide for our family financially but also to have something to call "my own". But, at the same time, I feel tremendous guilt over even thinking about leaving Matthew. I didn't leave the girls. Matthew has some special needs, and in some ways, I feel like he needs me even more. Grrrrr!

I have more things I could write about, but I'm honestly super sleepy and the bed is calling my name. If you made it this far, thank you. Hopefully I'll be back sooner than later!


Monday, March 12, 2012

Colorado, February, 2012

We had an awesome time in Colorado visiting Gib's brother, Arthur, and his family. We left Atlanta on Wednesday, Feb. 15th at 9pm. I was worried about Matthew flying so late, considering he goes to bed around 7:30, but the hope was that he would sleep. He did...but only the last hour of the three hour flight. Unfortunately, Gib was seated two rows behind me, with Jessica across the aisle from him, and I was left to wrestle Matthew between Emma Grace and a very kind woman who was very gracious to us. We were seated right behind first class, which I'm sure was appreciated by all who resided there, too. It was so bad that at one point the lady sitting next to Gib said, "I hope that baby doesn't cry the whole time." Gib's reply..."I hope not, too, because he is mine."

Needless to say by the time we landed I was a hot, wet mess. I was sweaty from wrestling Matthew, but I had also been peed on twice.


We spent the night at Arthur's house that night, and the kids had a bit of play time before we headed to the mountains on Thursday.

The two hour drive up to Copper Mountain was beautiful. I enjoyed the time in the car with my sister-in-law, Shannon, and fortunately the kids cooperated, too!

The altitude didn't get to me right away. Gib had problems during the night on Thursday, and my problems started Friday. I was dizzy, constant headache, nauseous, and very short of breath. Fortunately, their mountain house has an elevator that I used when I felt really bad.

On Friday, Uncle Arthur put the girls in private ski lessons, which they both really enjoyed. They caught on very quickly...Jessica was a "natural"; Emma Grace had a hard time turning left.

Saturday they spent most of the day skiing with Uncle Arthur and cousin Kylie before we headed back down the mountain that night. Here are Emma Grace and Kylie taking a ski and snack break.

In between skiing, the kids had a great time in the hot tub which was outside. They thought it was really cool that it snowed on them!

Uncle Arthur took a little time to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

This is the view from the outside deck. Their house is right on the mountain. We could see people riding up the lift and skiing down. I wish I had taken more pictures because it was just beautiful!

Matthew went out a few times in the snow, but he wasn't too sure about all the heavy clothes involved...

Daddy sure is proud of his little man! (But then again, we all are!)

Fortunately, the flight home Sunday morning was much better for all involved. Our seats were together, and Matthew slept pretty much the entire flight. I read while Gib and Matthew snuggled. So precious!

Of course the girls did fantastic. They are such great travelers and great helpers with Matthew.

Thanks Uncle Arthur, Aunt Shannon, Kylie and Collin for a GREAT trip!


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Catching Up

I have a confession...

I hardly ever get on blogger anymore.

*hide my eyes in shame*

I miss it, and I know that I'm letting valuable memories for our family slip away. But, the truth is that I just don't take time to blog anymore. By the time the kids are in bed, I'm ready to go to bed, too. And I fall asleep with the girls most nights anyway. But I feel as though I'm betraying someone by not blogging. Maybe it's myself I'm betraying because I once loved it so much and still have a deep desire to continue.

I logged on tonight to blog about our recent trip to Colorado, but the thought of uploading all the pictures makes me tired. So, once again, I took the easy way out and just titled this "Catching Up".

I want to elaborate on each of these topics, but if my past is an indication of my future, I will fall short...once again. :(

One of the biggest things that has happened lately is that Matthew started taking steps ALL BY HIMSELF last Tuesday, February 28, 2012 (19 1/2 months old). We were at physical therapy, and he just took off. I was so excited I cried and his therapist was thrilled, too. He has continued at home and I think we scare him with our claps and praises. He has been fitted for a brace for his right leg which should help him "take off" according to the doctor.

I started my own support group with Rock Goodbye Angel the beginning of February and so far, I think it is going well. It is so humbling and meaningful to see how God is using the hurt of losing Grady to reach out to others. One of my favorite NICU nurses (Kay) with Emma Grace sat on my bed, hugged me and whispered in my ear "God never wastes a hurt" the day after Grady was born. I see that becoming more and more true as time passes, and I'm so thankful.

Reconciliation with my brother-in-law, Arthur (Gib's brother), has been such a blessing. We hadn't spoken in four years, partly due to hurt feelings on my part and miscommunication and stubbornness from both of us. But since reconciling in the Bahamas last summer, our families have been together three times, and we have seen him four times in the past eight months. He so generously flew the five of us to Colorado the middle of February for the girls' midwinter break. They have a beautiful home, as well as a beautiful mountain home in Copper Mountain...and I mean it's right on the mountain. You can see people going up the ski lift and skiing down. He put the girls in private ski lessons which they loved! Jessica was a "natural", and Emma Grace did well too...she just had a hard time turning left! :)

Last week, I had a blast with my blog-turned-real-life-friend, Sara. She and five of her seven children came to stay two days with us. It wasn't nearly long enough, but I was so thankful it wasn't just one night like her visit two years ago. It was great to just be with her. I feel like we have been friends for years!!! I'm thinking about being a big girl and driving to Oklahoma this summer...we'll see!

Jessica tried out for cheerleading again this year, but unfortunately, she didn't make it. She was disappointed but she took the news like a champ. She has kept her head high and her chin up. There was more competition this year, and she knows she needs to work on a few things. She knows she did her best, and she's not giving up, which I'm most proud of.

That's all the "news" this tired brain can think of right now. I won't make any promises, but I do hope I'm back soon to post some pictures and elaborate more on what's been going on. I'm not sure why you still visit, but I'm so glad you do. Thanks!