Grady's Third Birthday

Today, we celebrated Grady's 3rd birthday. It seems like more than three years ago that I said hello and goodbye to him...

Jessica loves Matthew, and I know she would have been a great big sister to Grady, too.


Jessica had an elaborate day planned for us to go to MeMe's house in Dahlonega and spend the day. But, unfortunately, MeMe hasn't been feeling well, so we went to plan B. And it turned out perfectly!

The day started out great when, at 6am, Gib told me to stay in bed and rest, and he got up with Matthew. It was so nice to doze. I got up around 8am because I heard Matthew screaming. He had fallen but was okay. I got him down for a nap and went BACK to bed! I didn't get up till 10am!'

We took our time this morning and didn't leave home until about 1:30pm. We stopped and got some balloons to release, along with some subs, chips and drinks for a picnic. We went to a park called Little Mulberry Park. It has a 2.2 mile walking trail around a lake. The leaves were pretty but had changed so much since I was there just a few days ago.


Not long before we got there, the blue skies turned to gray and the sun hid behind the clouds. This made it a little cooler than we would have liked, but it wasn't bad. After our picnic, the girls rode their bikes along the path, while Gib, Matthew and I walked behind them.


After one time around the lake, we took a restroom break, changed Matthew and got our balloons. We found the perfect spot on a dock where the leaves were beautiful.


I was hesitant to release them there because there was a man fishing with his dog on the other side of the dock. He turned out to be very friendly (more about him in a minute). I really wanted to ask him to take our family picture but he had fish and bait all over his hands, and I really didn't want them on my camera! :) So, Gib took the pictures.


As we released the balloons, we sang "Happy Birthday" to Grady. We watched them float high in the sky. They stayed together for a while but then four of them made a straight line while the fifth one drifted off to the left by itself. Gib said, "Maybe Grady is reaching for that one." :)


After we released them, the man who was fishing said, "That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced." I told him it was for our baby in heaven who would be three today, and he said, "Man", while putting his head down and shaking it. I told him not to be sad, but to take it as a reminder to not take one minute for granted and to be thankful for what he has. We wished him luck with his fishing and his fish fry, and off we went. I can't help but think that maybe he needed to be part of our "Grady moment" today...

As the girls got back on their bikes (they wanted to go around one more time), Gib started running while pushing Matthew in the stroller. I wasn't going to be left behind, so I started running, too. Very soon after I started running, I thought my legs would fall off. I told Gib I was shooting for half a mile. Half a mile came and went. I RAN TWO MILES!!! Gib was cheering me on and saying I was doing it for Grady and that motivated me so much. But, Jessica and Emma Grace motivated me even more.

You see, Jessica has just started basketball cheerleading and has learned a few cheers. Those two girls changed the words to one of her cheers for me, and at every mile marker they chanted, "Come on mighty mama, you know what to do, you gotta rock with the baby and roll with the kids". It so doesn't rhyme, but it meant SO much to me! They were so excited to see me coming up to each mile marker, and I would tell them to go. Off they would go to the next. I really wanted to run three miles for Grady's third birthday, but Matthew was D.O.N.E.! He had completely missed his afternoon nap, we were out of snacks and he was ready to go. I wasn't going to put him through more torture so I could do another mile. But, now...I'm ready to run again! Hopefully this is the start of something new! :)

Proof!


Here I am at the end of my two miles. I might not be able to walk tomorrow, but I did it!


It was worth it to see how proud my family was of me, and I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself. I haven't run in years!

Along our path, a bunch of ducks crossed our path. I had to stop and jog in place because I knew if I stopped I wouldn't start again. On our way home, a buck crossed our path. How often do you see a buck??? And on a different road, another deer crossed in front of us. We took those as signs from Grady, especially the buck!

We ventured home and Jessica was such a huge help. While Emma Grace and I went to the store and to get Chinese for dinner, she fed Matthew dinner and bathed him for bed. After Matthew was down, the girls and I made a cookie cake for Grady. It was super easy and delicious! I used the wrong tip for writing on the cookie but it turned out okay. We lit candles, sang and dug in!


This day was exactly what it was supposed to be. And it was beautiful! I am so thankful for the cards I received in the mail from my brother and his family, Aunt Barbara, Mary Beth and MeMe. I'm so thankful for the phone messages I received. I am so thankful for my friends who posted about Grady on their facebook page. And, I'm so thankful for all my friends who left sweet comments on my facebook posts. It means the world to me that people remember and honor our sweet Grady with us. His life means so much to so many and that's exactly the way I want it!

Dear Grady, We had a wonderful day celebrating you today. I told Daddy that I could see you on a big wheel or a bike with training wheels trying to catch up to your sisters around the lake. I know you would have loved the cookie cake we baked you, and you would have loved the Bob the Builder card MeMe sent you in the mail. It was decorated with stickers and everything. I will put that and your other cards in your memory box and keep them forever. Your life was not in vain. I try everyday to give your short life meaning and make you proud as you look down on all of us. I know you celebrated today with Granny and Popaw Barry, along with all of your other relatives there with you. Or did you celebrate yesterday? I often wonder if there is a celebration on the day you entered those pearly gates... Either way, we miss you here. We wouldn't wish you back now that you've been there...instead we look forward to the day when we are there with you forever! We love you SO much! (((HUGS))) and KISSES to you in heaven! Mommy


(And I forgot that I rode Jessica's bike, too! That's me in the pink jacket.)


Love,
Tonya

3 Years. Nothing New.

It's 10pm, and I sit here alone. Gib, Matthew and Emma Grace are asleep. Jessica has a friend over, and they are upstairs watching a movie. I'm sitting in front of this computer wishing for something new to write about Grady, but there is nothing. It is so much fun to reflect on Matthew and his growth, to see the girls growing and changing and experiencing life in so many ways.

But, there's nothing new to write about Grady.

And I so wish there was.

How big he would be. What he loved to eat. His favorite toys/games, etc.

But there's nothing.

Nothing but those "wondering thoughts" I wrote about a long time ago, only a couple of years older.

I sit here and can't help but think back to this day/night three years ago.

Would I have done anything differently?

I don't know.

Knowing what I know now, maybe.

Probably.

But I can't change the past. As much as I wish I could, I can't.

Or do I?

Do I really wish I could change the past?

I don't know.

It's still very hard for me because I absolutely cannot imagine my life without Matthew. And I know for a fact that if Grady had lived, Matthew would not be here. Some are quick to say, "You don't know that!"

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Because Gib was going to get "neutered" after Grady and our family was going to be complete.

Matthew would not be here.

But, oh how I long for both of those boys to be here with me! It's so hard to put it into words. So hard, in fact, that I can't. I really can't describe it. Just like I really can't describe how awful and tragic it is to have your child die inside of you. Unfathomable. Unless, of course, it happens to you. Then it becomes your reality.

And you just have to learn how to deal with it. How to incorporate it into your life. Like it or not, it's a part of you forever. And you make the best of it. And you pull at straws for your baby's life to have meaning here on earth.

Grady went to heaven three years ago today, around 4:30 or 5:00pm. I sure hope there was a celebration in heaven today. Three years. That's 1,095 days. Wow!

I tried to find our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer today. I got his address from his website and went on the hunt for him. Imagine my surprise when his "office" was his house! There was a suite number in his address, so I thought it was an office park. Nope. There was a car in the drive, but after ringing the doorbell twice, no one came to the door. I left his cream cheese frosted pumpkin spice muffins on the door with a thank you note and one of Grady's announcements. I hope he sees them. I just wanted to thank him for the priceless gift he gave our family with the pictures of Grady.

I'm not sure how we will celebrate Grady's birthday tomorrow, but I will do my very best to blog about it. Thanks for listening to my rambling. That's what I feel like it is. Rambling. Because I've said the same thing 1,000 times before...

Love,
Tonya

That Time Again...

Yes, it's that time again.

There isn't a day of my life that I don't think about Grady. Especially now that Matthew is here, I wonder all things little boy and what could have been with him.

But the weather here has changed significantly in the last few days. There is a chill in the night air and the days are less humid and much cooler.

And it always makes me think of Grady. It has been almost three years since he went to heaven. Three years. Wow!

It had been a long, hot summer of being pregnant with him in 2008, so when the weather turned cooler, I was ever-so-thankful. And since the weather is doing the same now, my mind can't help but "go there".

Back to my pregnancy with him. Back to all the dreams we had of our first little boy. Back to the joy and anticipation of what it would be like to bring him home.

But none of that was meant to be. His time on this earth was short. Way too short in my opinion.

Emma Grace had to do a time line for school, and it is due tomorrow. We put a significant event from every year of her life on the time line, and she was adamant that Grady be the "event" for 2008. God love her...she has a picture of her baby brother who is not alive on her time line. She insisted that it be an "in color" picture, not a black and white. We chose, in my opinion, the best color picture of him since his right cheek was so bruised from the pressure of him being in the same position so long.

It warms my heart and makes me so happy that she thinks about him and remembers him as part of our family like she does. But, she had to remind me tonight as we were putting the picture on that she never got to see him. Grrrrr. That will forever be a regret, until the day I die. Literally. The fact that I didn't give these girls of mine the chance to see their first baby brother in person breaks my heart. But we thought, at the time, that we were doing the right thing. Hindsight really is 20/20.

And speaking of this, a good friend of mine is a teacher at Jessica's school. She has Jessica in a special group they have, and they were playing an ice breaker game called "Truth or Lies". Jessica said she had three siblings. Everyone said it was a lie. Apparently Jessica smiled and said, "No, that's the truth".

I remember after Grady died how worried I was that he would be forgotten. I can honestly say that he will never be forgotten in our immediate family. His name gets brought up, almost on a daily basis, around here. And it makes me smile.

He is my first boy. My third child. My angel waiting in heaven for me. The rainbow in the sky after a storm and the butterfly that flies in front of me. He is the reason that I have a heart for hurting people. He is one of the many reasons I look forward to heaven. Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

It's that time of year again.

And I miss him.

*If you read this tonight or tomorrow morning, Matthew has a check up with the neurologist tomorrow (Friday). If you would say a prayer that the appointment goes well, that would be wonderful. Thanks!*

Love,
Tonya

What is a Rainbow Baby?

I asked myself that question when I stumbled upon a blog once. I emailed my sweet friend Ebe to ask her, and she very simply explained that a rainbow baby is the one who is born after a baby/child who dies.

OK.

Made sense to me, but I took it to a whole new level with Matthew's first birthday. In so many ways, Matthew is our "rainbow". I cannot emphasize enough how much he is absolutely NOT a replacement for Grady. He never could be. Grady was his own person. He had his own heartbeat. He lived his own life. Granted he lived only inside of me. But he lived. And that's so, so very important to me.

While Matthew is not a replacement, he has brought such immense healing to our hearts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like with a 2 1/2 year old Grady running around. And it's strange...I don't often think about what if Grady was here and Matthew wasn't? I think that's because Matthew is physically here, and Grady isn't. (I hope that's not confusing) I think about having them both here. But the reality is that if Grady had been born alive, Matthew would not be here because my husband would have gotten neutered, and we would have been done.

D.O.N.E. Done.

But that wasn't God's plan.

And I'm so, so very grateful.

As Matthew's first birthday approached, I contemplated the theme we would use for his party. I've mentioned before that he absolutely loves racing, so I definitely thought about a racing theme. I even ordered some race car invitations from Sam's with his picture on them, but when I went to pick them up, they looked awful. They were supposed to have an oil spill on them, but it made them look just dirty. So, I didn't buy them and chose something different. And they turned out great! This is the picture that was on his invitation...


The caption said "Roll on over to have some fun, Matthew [last name] is turning one." It had a baby wagon on it and was super cute.

A wonderful local woman makes the best cakes, so I contacted her for the job. I knew I didn't want to buy a store-made cake because I gave Matthew some of Jessica's icing from her birthday cake, and he broke out around his mouth. I'm hoping he doesn't have a peanut allergy!

I decided to go with a rainbow theme because it's his first birthday and I could get away with it! We have plenty years ahead to celebrate whatever he's into at that time, and a rainbow theme made me happy. Because, he is our "rainbow baby".

I'm a member of a facebook group for bereaved moms called Hope Mommies. Just the other day, a mom posted the following about "What is a rainbow baby?" I don't know who originally wrote it, but I want to share it with you...

Rainbow babies:
In some circles, babies born to families
after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies."
The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm.
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow
...does not negate the ravages of the storm.
When a rainbow appears,
it doesn't mean the storm never happened
or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath.
What it means is that something beautiful
and full of light has appeared
in the midst of the darkness and clouds.
Storm clouds may still hover
but the rainbow
provides a counterbalance
of color, energy, hope and love.

I just think that's beautiful, and a great description of our Baby Matthew. Matthew brings such love, hope, energy, laughter and joy to our lives. But it doesn't mean that Grady's death didn't occur or that his death doesn't still affect us in many ways today.

So, I had Tracy make cupcakes in a rainbow fashion for Matthew's first birthday. And, to bring a true element of personalization, I had her make his smash cake with a race car. I think they all turned out GREAT!


There's a story behind the next picture.


When I was pregnant in the fall of 2008, Emma Grace colored that picture in her 5 yr old class at preschool. It says, "The rainbow reminds us of God's promise to Noah." I was working at the preschool, and she brought it to me and said, "Mommy, this is for Baby Grady's room." I told her how beautiful it was and that we would definitely hang it up in his room.

Unfortunately, it never got hung. I did laminate it, we put it on the table at Grady's service and obviously still have it (and I do still have plans to hang it in Matthew's room...I've just got to get a frame!). It was sitting on Matthew's bookshelf in his room, and as I was dusting one day, I thought it would be a great thing to talk about at his party. I used Emma Grace's picture to try to explain what a "rainbow baby" was to our guests. I made it a point to say that a rainbow usually follows a storm, and that every time I see a rainbow it reminds me of Grady, and God's goodness, and the hope and promises we have in Jesus.

Grady's death was definitely a storm in our lives, but Matthew is certainly our rainbow. More later...

Love,
Tonya

It's Late and I'm Overcome...

...with emotion.

This will be short as it is late, and I need to go to bed. But, my heart is heavy right now, and I just need to share. Maybe it will feel a little lighter if I do.

Matthew is having a hard time settling tonight. I think his tummy hurts. I just went to his room and he needed more than just his paci. He needed some cuddling. Apparently, I did, too.

As I was rocking him, I was overcome with emotion. The wonderful weight of him on my chest. The fullness of his sweet self in my arms. The tears welled up in my eyes.

This was not always the case. I sat many nights in his room in that same rocking chair, rocking and longing for my Baby Grady. Missing his weight and breath on me. Arms empty and aching for him.

Tonight, I am so thankful for the gift of Matthew's life. For the joy and healing he has brought to my heart. For a God who created him, fearfully and wonderfully, to be part of our earthly family.

But, even among the happiness and love I feel for him, I can't help but remember the times when things were different. I still miss my first born boy. Even though he was still, he was still born. He was a person. His life mattered, even though he didn't live outside of me. He left a hole in my heart that belongs to him and him alone.

I don't take these moments with Matthew for granted. Not for one second.

But, my heart is heavy, for I know there are too many moms rocking in rocking chairs tonight with empty, aching arms. Tears streaming down their face.

And it simply breaks my heart.

I was that mom. And the pain of such loss still stings. And it never goes away. And I never forget. And I never want to...

Love,
Tonya

Tiny Angels

For my angel mommy friends. In honor of our babies, our "Tiny Angels", who we love and carry in our hearts forever.

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.

How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.

Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.

Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?

Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

Touched By A Text

I have a lot of friends who are pregnant or who have recently had babies. I have friends in all different age groups, but I honestly never thought I would be 38 and have this many friends still having babies, let alone have a six month old myself!!! I had my first when I was 26. My plan was to have four children, each three years apart, which would have meant I would be finished having babies at 35. Well, we all know the best way to make God laugh is to make a plan of your own.

That's not the point of this post...

One of my good friends had a baby just a little over a week ago. I saw her and her beautiful baby girl at church this morning. I am so happy for this sweet friend. This is not her first child or marriage, but she has finally found true love and happiness in a wonderful Godly man, and she deserves every bit of it!

I received a text three texts back-to-back from her today. The following is what I read...

"I want to tell you that I held [baby girl's name] today and just cried for you. I cannot imagine how empty your arms felt. I don't mean to bring this up to cause you to cry but to honestly be able to tell you how sorry I am that God had that in His plan for your life. I know that His will and plans are always perfect but that doesn't mean that we always like the road He takes us on. You are an amazing and strong woman to endure what you have and I admire you and your never ending faith in Him."

This meant so, so much to me. Two years after Grady went to heaven, she is still thinking about me and my empty arms and what it must have been like.

I wish I could say that I don't remember, but I remember all too well...

I remember the gut-wrenching realization that he wasn't moving anymore and wasn't going to move again.

I remember the words of Dr. Joe, "I don't see a heartbeat either," confirming what I saw on the ultrasound screen.

I remember not knowing how in the world I was going to give birth to a dead baby.

I remember not knowing how in the world we were going to tell the girls their baby brother had died, inside of me. That just wasn't supposed to happen.

I remember how deafening the silence was in the c-section room when he was born and there were no cries...only sniffles of those in the room.

I remember seeing Grady for the first time, knowing he was dead but still warm from my body, looking like he was sleeping like a newborn might be.

I remember asking him what happened and why he had to go.

I remember spending two days with him, holding him on my chest and in my arms.

I remember kissing him goodbye, placing him in the basket and handing him over to the funeral director.

I remember crying myself to sleep in the rocker in the nursery, wishing to have him back on my chest to feel the weight of him safe at home and not just in a cold hospital room.

I remember the suffocating feeling of not being able to breathe deeply because my heart was so broken.

I remember waking up each morning and thinking, "No. Not another day to live through this hell."

I remember how it took me three hours just to get dressed because I was so depressed.

I remember how badly it irritated me when people would say "Well, you look good." What was I supposed to say in return? Thanks. My baby died. I'm not eating because I feel like I'm going to throw up all the time and I've lost 30 pounds in two weeks.

Oh, I remember every second of it. And it lives within me every day.

I'm so very glad that my friend didn't keep her thoughts and feelings to herself. It meant so much to me that she thought of me and Grady and let me know. Too often, people want to say things but are afraid of making that person cry or making them sad. Yes, I got very teary eyed when I read her text. But I was touched beyond belief. The tears are always there. They just surface more easily depending on the situation or circumstance.

I love the poem on my left side bar called Remembering by Elizabeth Dent. If you've never read it, take a minute to before you leave my blog.

And I don't know if this particular friend reads my blog regularly or at all, but if you do...

Thank you! I love you and am so happy for you!

Love,
Tonya

Our Little Lion..(Little Bear's Big Brother)

So, I have taken over T's little blog again! Here is my little video she mentioned. I am working on some other family videos since I can't make it to work due to the snow and ice. Before you view, mute or pause T's music at the bottom of her blog.



In all honesty, this stuff is very easy. You only need to know Adobe Photoshop & Windows Movie Maker. I used to teach both these software applications to students and adults so it comes easy to me. If the video is less than 2 minutes and 100 Megabytes you can post it to Facebook.com. You can also post it to YouTube.com and share the link or embed it into your web-page. YouTube.com provides this code to you with a simple click of the button.

OK....I'm a nerd. T tells me that all the time!!

A special thanks to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep for the photographs! Music by Craig Cardiff. Song entitled "Smallest Wingless".

Enjoy!
G-
(a.k.a. T's Technical Support)

Thanksgiving Two Years Ago

This is the third time I've started this post. It started out entitled Thankful Tidbits. But as I started writing, it has turned into my reflections on my Thanksgiving two years ago right after Grady went to heaven.

So, that's where I'm headed.

But I do want to say that I'm so very thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. For without Him, I would be nothing. I'm thankful for his love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I'm thankful for His promises. I'm thankful for the gift of salvation and hope of heaven that I have through my very own (salvation that is). I'm thankful for how He has been with me every step of the last two years.

I reflected on my Thanksgiving two years ago. I wasn't speaking to God. To say that I was mad would be an understatement. I had already lost my mom and dad, all of my grandparents, a miscarriage and almost Emma Grace. Now the baby who had lived and grown inside of me was dead, too. I really just felt like He needed to go pick on someone else. Maybe one of those people whose life seemed to be perfect (even though I know there's no such thing).

I didn't want to be around anyone. I couldn't stand the "elephant" in the room. Everyone wanted to talk about Grady and then they didn't. So no one would say anything. And he was all I wanted to talk about, but no one really wanted to listen because then they would have to talk and they didn't know what to say. A vicious, evil circle.

We didn't get together with our families, Instead we went to dinner at the Cracker Barrel and then to Lake Lanier to see the Nights of Lights. At the end of the lights was a mini carnival. We had no idea that it was there, but of course the girls wanted to play. So we did. It was fun. It really was a great memory-maker, but I couldn't help but think of how I should have been home with my newborn. I wanted to grab strangers and tell them that my baby had just died. We all (me, Gib and the girls) rode our first Ferris wheel together. It was fun, but the seat belt hurt my incision from my c-section. I remember being on the very top waiting for people below to load, looking out over the clear, dark, cold night and longing for my Baby Grady.

I remember coming home and after everyone was in bed, I watched my Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep DVD that I have of Grady and cried and cried. I couldn't talk to God, or rather I chose not to. Instead I got a brand new journal and just started writing. I thought maybe if I wrote my thoughts and feelings out, He would hear me still without me having to actually pray. (It wasn't until the end of January before I started speaking to God again. I'm not proud of that at all. I'm not boasting about it. It's just the truth. And believe me, I've asked for His forgiveness. I wish I could be as forgiving as Him. It's something I'm working on and something that I believe He's working on in me.)

I'm going to be very vulnerable and share with you what I wrote. I'm truly not sure why I'm writing this tonight, except that maybe I need to OR maybe someone needs to read it. Remember this was very early in my grief, just a couple of weeks after Grady's death. The pain was raw and real. Here goes...


Dear God,

I just don't understand! Why did you need Grady in heaven so bad? We wanted him here with us. I feel like you teased me with a pregnancy and a healthy baby and then cheated me at the end. We weren't going to have any more children. He was a surprise. I really felt like he was meant to be here & complete our family. I always would think of having more children but was so scared of going through the prematurity struggles again. I would always hear the words "ye of little faith" in my head. Lord, I trusted you and had faith that you would protect Baby Grady and bring him here healthy and safe. You did neither. He was alive in me one minute and gone the next. He will always be my son, my third child. I will cherish the 36 weeks and 5 days he spent growing inside of me - feeling his every move. But Lord it doesn't seem right and it's SO NOT FAIR! I know you have your reasons for taking him, but WHY HIM? WHY US? WHY ME AGAIN? Why did you take someone else that I love? Am I that bad of a person? Is this some sort of punishment? I just wish I knew! I try to remind myself often, even right now, that you have plans to prosper and not harm me, but it doesn't feel that way at this point in my life. There are people who don't want their babies, abuse them, even kill them. I am not one of those people. But you didn't take their babies from them. Lord, I'm hurt, heartbroken to the core, deeper than I ever thought I could hurt. I'm mad, confused, frustrated, feeling guilty and blaming myself for what I maybe could have done differently. Yet I am so thankful to you Lord for Gib, Jessica and Emma Grace - for the blessings that they are in my life. Lord, please don't take them from me too - PLEASE! I'm having a hard time praying right now, but I knew you would listen and know my heart even if I wrote it down. Lord, as much as I am hurting and blaming you for this - for taking Baby Grady - I do need your help to get through this. I can't do this alone. No one understands what I'm going through. This deep dark pit that I've fallen into and can't get out of. There's light all around me - Gib, the girls, the world keeps on moving - but there I am. Stuck. Lonely. Sad to the point of despair. It hurts so bad that it's hard to breathe at times. I know that time will make it easier but I'll never get over losing this precious baby boy. But Lord, I need help getting through this. The days are so long. My mind never stops. Everything plays over and over in my head. Now I'm starting to have regrets, but at the time we did what we thought was the right thing. I didn't want the girls to remember seeing their baby brother laying there lifeless. Now Jessica says she wanted to see him and my guess is that Emma Grace did too. We should have asked them - I feel so guilty about that. I was trying to protect their hearts as much as I could. I thought pictures would be good enough and then they could form their own images of him. Hopefully they will forgive me one day and I can forgive myself too. I wish that even though we took pictures, we didn't take enough. We should have taken more. I wish I had a picture of me holding him. I wish I had held him more, even though I was blessed to hold him as much as I did. I wish I had sang to him the songs the girls love for me to sing. Those are a few of my regrets. Most of all, I wish I was holding him right now or nursing him or wishing he would go to sleep because I was exhausted from being up all night with him. But instead the reality is, I'm writing in this journal, pouring my heart and feelings out to you God, desperately needing your help to work through this. In Jesus Name, Amen

So, I guess it was sort of a prayer, considering how I ended it.

It is amazing to see how far I've come in this grief process. I think about Grady and miss him every day. I always will. But there is no way you could have told me two years ago that I would be holding another baby boy who I'm madly in love with. I was never going to be pregnant again! I just knew my heart couldn't dare be set up for such heartache again.

But hold another boy I have been...And loving every minute of it! I'm so thankful God led us to the decision to try again. For if we had not, a true gift and blessing would have been squelched. I'm thankful for my whole family, and I'm thankful to be where I am right now.

Love,
Tonya

Today.

Today.

Was.

Hard.

Harder than Friday by far.

This was the day that I was scheduled for my c-section with Grady. The day that, had he lived, he would have turned two.

This was also the day, two years ago, that I held him for the last time.

Kissed his sweet, soft, chubby cheek for the last time.

And told him goodbye.

For now.

I think it was harder this year because, in many ways, I don't feel validated in my grief anymore. I don't feel like I can really express my sadness over Grady. Even to my husband.

And for some crazy reason, every time I express grief or sadness, I immediately feel like I need to defend myself and proclaim my gratefulness for the blessing of my living children.

Crazy.

Joy and sorrow can co-exist. Grief and thankfulness can, too.

The End.

November 12, 2010

Happy 2nd Birthday Grady!

I spent the day reflecting on your life, death and birth. I wish they weren't in that order. I know you're safe and happy in heaven and for that I'm grateful. I rest in that truth. And as much as I long to see and hold you, I wouldn't wish you back here. I long for the day our family is together in heaven with you.

We released balloons, went to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner and made cupcakes for your birthday. I hope you felt our love from here in heaven.

We miss you and love you bunches sweet boy!

Hugs and Kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence. I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake in which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my ♥. ~author unknown~










You have no idea how much I love this boy. Amazing how such a strong love can grow in such a short time and how it will last a lifetime!

Thoughts Today

I have no idea where this post is going or from where it is coming. I just need to write. So many things are floating around in my brain.

Yesterday, I couldn't get out of my mind the fact that it was the last full day Grady was alive two years ago. On said day, I was ignorantly blissful that we only had four days until he would be born. On this day today, we were down to three. Again, blinded as to what was to come. Excited about what was to be and who would be arriving in such a short time.

I can't help but think back to last year, too. So, to remember more clearly, I just read this post that I wrote a year ago. I was so thankful to my sweet friend Jenny for coming to give me a hug. For recognizing it was a tough time for me.

***Speaking of Jenny, she survived 94 days of bed rest and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on November 5th. Her name is Ruth, and both mom and baby are home and doing well.***

It's tough this year, too. In some ways, I think it's harder than last year. I attribute that to the fact that my beautiful Matthew is here. Let me be very clear that he is his own person. Not one second do I mistake him for Grady or wish he was Grady or think he is Grady. However, Matthew is a living baby boy. Praise the Lord for the gift of his life! He is living, and as much as I would love to deny it, I can't. He is a reminder, in many ways, of who is not living. A reminder of someone who never had a chance at life outside of my womb.

And even though I've said it many times before, I will say this again...

I cannot imagine my life without Matthew!

Yet, I still grieve Grady.

And I know, truly know, that if Grady had lived, Matthew would not be here.

Gulp.

I can't choose between the two in my heart, nor do I want to. It becomes gray and cloudy. It is not black and white when it comes to my love and feelings for my two boys. Just like I could never choose between my two living little girls.

What IS very clear is this...

God's plan included Matthew as a living part of our family. God's plan for Grady was for him to live only inside of me. Grady's purpose was fulfilled in the 36 weeks and 4 days that his heart beat inside of me.

I can't tell you the number of people who have looked at Matthew and said, "See, everything happens for a reason." It happened just yesterday. It doesn't make me angry, but it does make me want to shout the importance of Grady's life and that Matthew doesn't take his place.

I know I'm a broken record. So, I'll stop.

I doubt that I will be able to retreat and journal to Grady this afternoon between 4:30 and 5 like I did last year around the time he died. In fact, it has been a very long time since I've written in my Grady journal. I will, however, sit at the dinner table and probably remember that's where I first suspected something wasn't right. I couldn't sit at the dinner table last year on this day.

Other thoughts to share...

I had an amazing "conversation" with Matthew a bit ago. He "talked" to me in his sweet, baby voice and flashed his cute smile, and I wished our video camera was charged. How terrible...we haven't videoed since we left the NICU. BAD MOM!

I am finally reading "The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer". I've had the book since Emma Grace was a baby. I went looking for my Dr. Sears "The Baby Book" and found that one instead. Seems I got rid of the other one. The book talks a lot about respecting your babies. I've always tried to respect my children, and I've been thinking a lot about those who don't.

Speaking of, as I was taking Emma Grace to school this morning, we came up to a stop sign to see an unpleasant exchange between a young boy and his father. This boy was clearly upset, trying to fight back tears. His father was angry and the boy snatched his book from him just as the bus came. As the father walked away, the boy yelled something across the street. My heart literally broke for that boy. I prayed aloud for him as we left the subdivision. I don't know details and the boy could have clearly been in the wrong. But, as parents, we set the tone for our children's day. Don't get me wrong. There are definitely mornings when things don't go as smoothly as I would like. But I always try to send the girls off with them knowing I love them and with things resolved so they don't dread coming home or carry the situation with them throughout their day. I'm afraid that young boy isn't very happy today nor is he going to want to go home this afternoon...

I'm trying hard to get Matthew to love sleeping in his crib. He struggles to go to sleep, and I've never been one to let my babies cry it out. He will go to sleep, but he won't stay asleep. I haven't tried at night yet. I'm just still trying to get him to nap well in his crib. He's having a bit harder of a time than the girls did. I'm open to suggestions!

I've always loved the ultimate crib sheets for babies. It was my most favorite baby product with the girls because I never had to change the fitted crib sheet. But I noticed with the two new ones I have that they smell awful. I wash them, but there is a "chemical" smell to them. Well, turns out the lining on the new ones is now made of PVC. I don't even have a PVC shower liner in the girls' shower! It is still on Matthew's bed for now, but rest assured it won't stay. As I was feeding him last night, I got the idea to make my own. They can't be that hard, especially if using the current ones as a guide. I'm hoping to enlist Aunt Barbara's help, and if she can't help me, I'll have to find someone else who can sew. I can't stand the thought of Matthew inhaling those chemicals.

I think we will make cupcakes this year for Grady's birthday. I don't think I'm up for another rainbow cake. When making cupcakes, I usually go for white cake with vanilla frosting. But, I really love yellow cake with chocolate icing. If I make those, we can put blue letters on top of them to spell his name and whatever else we would like to say. Well, within 24 characters at least. We talked about going out to dinner. We'll see...

I wonder if this day is celebrated in heaven? The one when someone enters the pearly gates to sit/stand at Jesus's feet and walk streets of gold... If so, I'm sure it's an amazing time. I can only imagine!

Love,
Tonya

An Unexpected Turn

Yeah, I know. I need to complete my pumpkin patch post. And I will.

But this is easy to post because it's just words. No pictures.

I went to a Pampered Chef party yesterday at my friend Amy Ellen's. I had been looking forward to it for a while and was super excited about ordering one of their can openers. Toward the end of the party, I was in the kitchen talking to several of the ladies. Somehow Grady was brought up. I honestly don't remember how his name was mentioned, but it happened naturally.

I knew one of the ladies from the preschool when she would pick up her granddaughters. She started asking questions about him and soon everyone was listening to the story of Grady. I loved it. And yet, I didn't. I always love talking about Grady. Honoring him by talking about him. Remembering him with others who didn't even know him, or me for that matter.

As the questions continued, Amy Ellen quietly got up and opened her cabinet. She pulled out Grady's birth announcement.

Wow!

I couldn't believe she still had it from two years ago. I can't tell you how that touched my heart. (Thank you AE!) She handed it to the grandmother who then passed it around to the other ladies. I'm not real sure how they felt about looking at a dead baby, but tears welled up in their eyes as they gazed upon him.

I can tell you that I was feeling quite proud of my Grady in that moment. The beautiful boy that God created so perfectly inside of me two years ago.

That really wasn't how I pictured the party in my mind in the days leading up to it. It definitely took an unexpected turn, one that I'm not sure was okay or not. But it was what it was. They encouraged the conversation to continue. But I guess I needed to talk about him, too.

It is amazing how strong these feelings of grief still are...

And it's amazing that I'm feeling like this year might be harder than last when it comes to his heaven day and birthday.

Sigh.

Love,
Tonya

Cloudy With a Chance of Rain

That's not the forecast here. No, indeed the rain is already here. And storms are on the way.

I am "cloudy with a chance of rain".

Or maybe it's just my heart.

But truly I feel like it's my entire being. I feel like I have clouds hanging over, around and in me.

Some are light and airy, like the beautiful white cotton balls you sometimes see in a crystal blue sky on a mostly sunny day. Those clouds are there, reminding me of the beautiful blessings in my life. For the good things. Because I am fully aware that there are many people in this world, even in my own family and circle of friends, who aren't as fortunate as I. And I know it. I'm not referring to material possessions. I'm talking about everything, including a relationship with the Lord. I'm overcome with gratefulness.

There are clouds floating around inside of me that are gray, similar to when there is a just a chance of rain. These clouds, unfortunately, remind me of the things that could happen. They are filled with fear. And worry. I'm trying to remind myself of a quote I heard in church a couple of weeks ago...

"Worry is a down payment on something in the future that may or may not ever happen."

I try to keep that in perspective when fear and worry and anxiety creep in. But it's hard. And it's hard work to focus on what is good and what is now. Because the good so often gets clouded over with the bad or the "what if's" of life.

Sigh.

Lately, dark, stormy clouds have slowly been rolling in.

I am not consumed by them.

Not yet.

But I feel myself being unable to keep them out.

As the weather outside continues to change and become more beautiful in this autumn season, the weather inside of me is becoming more unstable.

Stormy.

Heavy.

Dark clouds filled with lots of rain, accompanied by crashing thunder and vivid lightning are rolling in.

The rain could fall at any moment. I feel it building and resting at the base of my throat. I feel as if the room inside my chest is decreasing, and at times the heaviness of it makes it hard to get a deep breath.

As Grady's second birthday approaches, I remember.

Everything.

The good, the very bad and the extreme ugliness of what followed. The ignorance of what I was feeling this time two years ago. Completely unaware of how our world was about to crash around us.

I told Gib last night that I feel like this year might harder and worse than last year. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel a little crazy. Okay. A lot crazy. Like something is terribly wrong with me.

I have a beautiful son and two beautiful daughters here on earth that I am extremely thankful for. I have a husband who loves me, and to this day, I can't figure out why he continues to put up with me.

But none of that takes away my love and deep longing for Baby Grady. I am convinced when I am 80 years old (if I live that long!), I will still feel this way. It never goes away. I might not need to talk about it as much as the years pass, but I will always remember and wonder and love him from this side of heaven.


(Thank you Aimee for sending this up to Grady at the Walk to Remember since we couldn't be there!)

So...the clouds have arrived and are going to hang around for a while. As the month of November quickly approaches, I'm going to try to focus on the sunshine and white, puffy clouds more than the gray and dark clouds.

Try is the key word.

It's much easier said than done.

I expect the rain to come though, sooner or later...

Love,
Tonya

Tidbits from T

Hello my blog friends!

I have no good excuse for being absent for so long, so I won't try to apologize. Just a little update and some tidbits of what's going on lately...

~~~Fall break is this coming week for my girls. We have no major plans except for going on a picnic to the Botanical Gardens and my hair appointment later in the week. I'm so glad to have a week off from hectic mornings. I try to get as much done the night before, but it's still stressful. My hat is off to all of you working moms out there. I don't know how you do it!!!

~~~Jessica is currently on a very special trip with her Daddy which I will blog about very soon...

~~~Matthew is doing well. He still holds his breath when he eats. He mostly does it at the beginning of the feeding, but occasionally he will just stop breathing during the feeding. Frustrating thing is that he can do it. He just doesn't.

He's getting my milk strictly from a bottle with a slow-flow nipple. I have tremendous guilt for not trying harder to get him to nurse. One lactation consultant I spoke with said she didn't think it was too late to try. I just simply don't think it's fair to him to make him nurse at this point. He's so used to the bottle and the ease of it. My goal is to have him on just breast milk until he is six months old, in addition to the solid foods he will start. After that point, I will still pump three or four times a day and supplement him with formula. It is not ideal, but it's what I have to do to keep my sanity. The love-hate relationship the pump and I have is becoming more hate than love...

Matthew has been sleeping exceptionally well! He will go from about 10 or 11 pm until 4 or 5 am. WHOO HOO! I feel like a new person getting a bit more sleep, but I worry about him not having those night feedings for growth. But I'm certainly not going to wake him unless I absolutely have to!

His MRI has been scheduled for Thursday, October 21st. We will have to be at the hospital at 6 am. Yikes! The bad thing is that because he is so small, he will have to be sedated and will have to stay at the hospital for 12 hours after the procedure to be monitored. I had the choice of waiting until December when he would be big enough to leave after the test, but I can't wait until then. I really need to know the status of his brain bleed. I'm hoping there's no bleed anymore, therefore no status.

I think he has smiled at me a couple of times, but no real definite for sure grins yet. But I'm ready!!!

~~~Fall has definitely hit GA and so have the mixed emotions in my heart. Fall has always been my favorite season, but now I associate it with Grady's death. So, the grief and joy continue to dance daily in my life and in my heart.

~~~I continue to be grateful for those who, even two years after Grady's death and after Matthew's arrival, talk about Grady and recognize that it is still hard for me. I am sad that we will not be going to the Atlanta Walk to Remember this year. I was hoping last year that I would have a living baby to take this year. We have some super close family friends getting married that day and wouldn't miss it for anything. We will be there next year, though! National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day is coming up on October 15th. In addition to lighting our candle, we may get some balloons and send them up for Grady that day.

~~~I took the bedding off the crib to wash today. This was the final step in the nursery that I hadn't done. Matthew needs to start spending time in there and taking some naps in his own crib. Hard to imagine that he will be ready to go in there soon. I also packed away some of Grady's clothes that Matthew has already outgrown. I will never get rid of them. Well, never say never, but if I do, it will be a good long while!

~~~I've definitely watched too much HGTV. I want to paint our kitchen cabinets and redo the main color inside. Gib told me I'm crazy...and that was just about the house color. He doesn't even know that I want to do the cabinets! He will after reading this, though.

That's all for now. Hope to be back sooner than later!

Love,
Tonya

Full Circle Moments

It seems that I've had a lot of these lately.

Full circle moments that, at one point in my life, I never thought would happen.

This experience triggered my thinking on this. And after standing in the room where Grady and I spent our time together, holding Matthew in my arms, I started paying attention and thinking back.

Just last Wednesday, September 15th, I drove down to have lunch with Dr. Joe's crew. I didn't expect him to be there because I was told he had a meeting. But the whole point of the lunch was to celebrate mine and his birthday. I was a bit disappointed, but I love his office crew and was excited to see them and spend time with them. Not long after I arrived, Dr. Joe walked in, and I was shocked. He left his meeting early to come have lunch with us. :)

My full circle moment came when he was holding Matthew. He literally held him from the time he finished his salad to the time he left. He ate the rest of his lunch with Matthew in his arms, which was nice for me, but I felt bad for him. But the thing is, that's the way he wanted it. I made it perfectly clear that I would take Matthew back, but every time I asked, he refused my offer to take him.

I think it was a full circle moment for him, too.

If you're new to my blog, then you may not know that the night after Grady was born, Dr. Joe sat on my bed and held Grady for an hour, telling me how beautiful he was and how we shouldn't have lost him. I remember as clear as day Dr. Joe telling me that he hoped I wouldn't close the door on the possibility of having another baby. I never thought it would happen...that we would have another living child.

It was truly heart warming and soul pleasing to see Dr. Joe with Matthew, full circle from our last experience. When Grady died, he said, "your baby is my baby, too". That's exactly the way he feels about Matthew, and I'm so very grateful! I didn't have my camera with me, but I wish so badly that I could have captured the moment. Dr. Joe didn't talk much during lunch, but rather held Matthew's feet (because he said they were cold) and stared down at him. Absolutely precious!

Even my six week postpartum was a full circle moment. When I went after Grady, I prayed the waiting room wouldn't be full of babies. It was hard to be around pregnant women, but I definitely couldn't "do babies" then. Praise the Lord, there were no babies, and I didn't have to wait long with the pregnant women. Oh how I dreaded that appointment.

But this time, I was there holding Matthew. So grateful. Not taking for granted who I had in my arms and what he represented. To everyone else, I was just there for an appointment. But to me, this was an accomplishment. I felt like I had won a prize. I had survived one of the longest emotional roller coasters of my life. I had a living baby in my arms. And I got to have my picture taken. This may seem very silly to you, but let me explain...

In each of Dr. Joe's rooms and in the hallway, he has pictures of his patients and the babies they've delivered. He takes these pictures at their six week appointment. When I was pregnant with Grady, I would think about having my picture somewhere with the others. But that didn't happen. When I was pregnant with Matthew, I could only hope that mine and his picture would join the others. It all became a reality that day. I haven't seen the picture Dr. Joe took that day, but I'm thankful there was a picture to take!

As I was rocking Matthew the other night, I had another full circle moment. I used to sit in that rocker and cry. And cry. And cry. I would journal to Grady and pray to God to take the pain away...or at least help me learn to live with it. He was faithful in that, but I don't take lightly the fact that I'm now back in that rocker with a living baby. I still wish, so badly, that Grady could have stayed, and I could have rocked him. But it wasn't God's plan. I thank God for the healing that Matthew is bringing to my heart. But I'm also thankful that this healing and joy for Matthew don't erase my love and feelings for Grady. He will always be a part of me.

We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner last night. When Gib came home and announced that's what he wanted for dinner, I didn't dare tell him I had gone there for lunch, too! We went early because everyone was hungry (except for me!), and we wanted to beat the Friday night crowd. We literally saw eight families that we know (One of them was the family who has the little boy who is one week younger than Grady would be. It is still so hard to see that precious boy and what he represents to me. And he's so big! It's hard to imagine Grady being that big.). Everyone had to see and ask about Matthew. At lunch earlier in the day, I saw two people who also asked about and congratulated us on Matthew.

How is this a full circle moment?

Because after Grady died, I had nothing to show for my pregnancy and my baby who had been very much alive. My arms were empty. I would have tried to escape without much conversation and/or people would have tried to escape and avoid me. If there was conversation at all, it was very superficial and cordial at best. No one knew what to say. No one knew what to do with me. And I understand that. Shoot, I really didn't know what to do with myself!

But it was very different last night. And it felt good. It made my heart happy but also sad that I didn't get the opportunity to show off Grady the same way.

I know there will be more full circle moments ahead. And for me, that's what they are.

A circle.

Moments that don't end, but keep going.

Moments filled with never ending love for both of my boys.

Memories of Grady and the hopes and dreams I had for him that will never go away.

Happy times to share with my precious, living Matthew.

All of these intertwined on a daily basis in my heart and in the moments we call life.

Love,
Tonya

A Time to Remember

Anyone who has the crazy, messed up, misconstrued idea that the baby who is born after a baby dies is a "replacement baby" really is just that. CRAZY!

I had a bereavement committee meeting yesterday at the hospital. I realized shortly after getting there that I would have to walk right past the closet room I was in with Grady to get there. (The room was extremely small!)

SIGH.

My plan was to keep my head high and walk right by. It didn't quite play out that way...

I was in a corner room. When I turned the corner I couldn't help but look to my left.

And there it was.

Door open. Lights dim. Bed ready and waiting for a patient.

I was drawn in by a power that is not my own. I walked in the door and just stood there. Taking it all in. Like I had just been there. Tears filling my eyes. Heart as heavy as if there were a ton of bricks resting on it.

The bed where, on my chest, I cuddled my baby who was gone all too soon.

The wall space where his bassinet stayed. The place he was when not in my arms.

But the place my eyes were drawn to the most was the far side of the bed. The place where Gib and I last kissed Grady's sweet cheek. The place where I swaddled him and placed him in the basket the funeral home brought for him. The place where Gib and I collapsed into each others arms after he was gone.

The irony of this moment is that I was standing there with Matthew snuggled and sleeping on my chest in my baby wrap.

I don't think I can accurately put into words what I felt and am still feeling today. One baby here. One baby gone. One heart beating. One heart not. Both equally special. Both forever living in my heart. But clearly two different, separate, special, precious people.

Standing there, again knowing that if Grady had lived, Matthew wouldn't be here. No words...

Even though I had to physically say goodbye to Grady, I will never really say goodbye. I know that we will be together again in heaven one day and for that, I am so very grateful. Thank you, Jesus! But Grady is alive in my heart and mind every single day that I live on this earth. Even now that Matthew is here. One baby doesn't replace the other.

Aimee, my friend and leader of the support group that I attended for so long, sent me this song. If you have a moment and want to, listen to it. Make sure to scroll down and mute my music first! I have a feeling all of you baby loss mommy's will be able to relate. It's perfect.



And as painful as it is to let myself go into these deep places of emotion and grief again, it's often where I feel the closest to Grady.

I couldn't linger long in that room because I had to get to my meeting. I had to quickly compose myself, and outwardly, I did a pretty good job.

As Matthew and I were leaving, he was awake. We paused at the door, and I told him that was where his big brother once was. But not to worry. Because one day he would get to meet him, too.

Love,
Tonya

The Butterfly

I have to quickly share this.

If you've been around my blog for any length of time, you know that butterflies remind me of Grady.

Yesterday, I was snuggled on the sofa with Matthew sleeping peacefully on my chest. We've had a few deer roaming our backyard the last few days, so I was looking out the back windows wondering if they would appear.

The deer didn't, but a butterfly did.

It was a beautiful, huge, yellow one. That butterfly must have flown by my windows at least 20 times. It would fly in one direction, and a bit later, it would fly the opposite direction. Back and forth across the windows.

I couldn't help but think of Grady.

When I told Gib and Emma Grace, they both said, in different verbiage but at the same time, that Grady must have been checking on his baby brother.

I agree.

But I also think it was a sign.

A sign that all is well with Grady. A sign that Matthew will always have a big brother in heaven watching over him. A sign that says, "It's okay Mommy. Even though I'm not physically here for you to hold, I'm always close." Even though we rejoice in Matthew's life, Grady is never far and is always a part of everything we do.

Grady is always close in spirit and lives in our hearts forever.

And his baby brother is looking more and more like him with each passing day!

I was caught off guard when Matthew was born and didn't look much like Grady. Before you leave me a comment, I know he's not Grady! But the whole time I was pregnant with Matthew, I was kind of hoping he would resemble Grady. In fact, I expected him to because, in my mind, Grady was what our boys would look like. (Seeing as how he was our only boy until Matthew) But as Matthew grows closer to the gestational age at which Grady was born, 36 weeks and 5 days, he's looking more and more like his big brother. His adjusted age, as of today, is 36 weeks and 3 days.

Have a great weekend! Hopefully I'll be able to post some recent pictures soon.

Love,
Tonya

Very. Very. Quickly...

I really have no business even being on the computer this morning.

MATTHEW IS COMING HOME THIS AFTERNOON!

YIKES!

As long as he doesn't drop his heart rate below 80 between now and the time we go get him, he's home bound. We feel extremely blessed and thankful that he has done so well. This has all happened MUCH sooner than we thought but we aren't complaining one bit. Things are not exactly the way I would like them here, but who cares? He won't!

My days at the hospital have been long, and I've been trying to just keep up with routine things and pumping milk every 2-3 hours. That doesn't leave much time for extras. I could have come home right after the hospital yesterday, but we did go see Toy Story 3 and enjoyed it very much! Gib had the idea to go out for one more family dinner, just the four of us. We went to Chili's and had a nice time. It was great to think that the next time we eat out, there will be a car seat sitting at the end of the table...

I lied in my last post. I had every good intention to make it into the baby's room, but it was 11:15pm and Gib talked me into pumping and going to bed. I really was exhausted and that really was the best decision. But I had no choice last night.

It only took me about an hour to pack Grady's things. I sorted cards and momentos from showers, when he died and his first birthday. I did pretty good and just talked to him and prayed while I did it. But when I made it to the crib the tears started to really flow. I packed away his locks of hair, the white gown he wore for his pictures, the blue gown he wore for the time he was with us, and his hospital band that he wore on his ankle. It was hard. Hard. Hard. Hard.

But I'm glad I waited.

Because as I packed Grady's things away, my heart was filled with love for him and sadness over not having him here. But at the same time, my heart was also filled with such hope and love for Matthew. I was truly able to prepare that space for Matthew. I don't understand why Grady couldn't stay here on earth, but I do know that if Grady were here, Matthew wouldn't be. We were done having children after Grady. I don't think there are words to describe how that feels...

Well, I didn't mean to get into all of that today.

The girls have open house today as school starts on Monday for them. We are looking forward to spending some time with Matthew this weekend, loving on him and getting to know him better. Emma Grace still has not held him...I'm wondering how long it will be after we get home that she will be brave enough. I can't wait to see her with him!

Have a great day! It's a super busy one for us!!!

Love,
Tonya

Just Think Positive

If I've heard those words once, I feel like I've heard them 1,000 times. And honestly, they drive me crazy. Grate my nerves. Get under my skin.

And I've grown to hate them.

I'm sure that everyone in my real life feels like they walk on egg shells around me, and I hate that, too. People try to say the right thing, and I appreciate their effort. I really do. I usually smile and say, "I'm trying".

"You just have to think positive!"

Those words encompass so much for me.

I've debated for a few days as to whether to delve into this post or not, but I'm going for it. These are simply my opinions...you may agree or not and that's okay. Just as the same is true about everything else on this here blog of mine.

The majority of the time, when I project the slightest bit of doubt as to the outcome of this pregnancy, I get one of two responses:

1. "Don't say that."

2. "You have to think positive."

So begins my internal rebuttal...

Why not say that?

It has been my reality in the past. I'm saying what's on my mind. Just because I say it does not mean it will happen. If I don't say it, that also does not mean that it won't happen. Just because I express my thoughts doesn't mean they will come to fruition. And if I keep it inside, those thoughts and feelings don't just disappear. They're always there. The excitement mixed with fear and anxiety of what could be...

But we are waiting for the outcome, and that's all we can do. Living one day at a time. We cling to the hope that everything is going to be fine, and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms to bring home in August. We pray fervently for God's will but let our hearts' desires be known to Him. But only He knows. And we rest in that for now. It's hard, but it's all we've got.

On to the second point.

What does thinking positively have to do with the outcome of this pregnancy?

I believe with 100% of my being that one should not live life seeing the glass as always half empty. If we live in such a negative state all the time, it can certainly affect our health and our relationships with those around us. When this happens, that person cannot experience happiness, often has no hope, sees everything as useless...so why even try to engage in life?

I do engage and feel happiness and have hope.

But letting negative thoughts creep into my mind, or allowing them to dwell there for a while, is NOT going to determine if this baby lives or dies. I don't believe that one bit.

Dumplin's days are already numbered, just as yours and mine are. Only God knows.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)says,

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

I clung to this verse right after Emma Grace was born so prematurely. This verse brought me comfort after Grady went to heaven. And this verse still rings true with me today.

"ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE".

Positive thoughts. Negative thoughts. Crazy, off-the-wall thoughts. They really don't matter. They don't determine this baby's life or death.

And there's one more reason that I so profoundly dislike this statement. To me, it implies that I didn't think positively with Grady.

Would positive thoughts have kept him alive?

Nope.

Because, believe me, if they could, he would be here today, alive and well. I prayed for him every single day. I daydreamed and thought of bringing him home. Nursing him, rocking him, loving him, bathing him, changing his diapers, spending long nights awake with just me and him, watching him sleep, and experiencing, in general, what a little boy would be like. I thought of all the new things we would get to do with a boy. I thought of how I wouldn't hold back all the many kisses that I love to give my children just because he was a boy and I didn't want to make him too feminine.

I thought plenty of positive thoughts during my pregnancy with Grady. They didn't change the outcome. His days were already numbered.

And I don't believe for one second that the feelings/fears that I openly express or the endless positive thoughts that I could think will change God's will for this baby's life, either.

Love,
Tonya