Confessions

It has been a long time since I've blogged...until today when I blogged about our trip to Colorado, that is.

It has been an especially long time since I blogged about anything really deep...the kinds of things that come from that deep, dark place inside of me. I used to be so good at sharing, but I've gotten really good a shoving those thoughts and feelings aside.

I don't really know why.

Maybe it's because I don't think many people read my blog anymore. Maybe it's because I think people just want to read "happy" stuff. Maybe it's because I think people simply just don't care anymore. But, for whatever reason, I don't blog about "deep" issues. But I'm about to...

I have some confessions. Don't ask me why I chose to do it tonight or why I chose to do it at all. Because the answer would be a huge and honest, "I don't know!". However, I was doing dishes tonight, and I felt like I needed to write out some confessions I've been keeping secret.

So, here goes...

*I started my own support group in February with Rock Goodbye Angel. This support group serves the area around the hospital where I delivered Grady. It is so important and special to me. But I'll be honest...I feel guilty sometimes that I'm so far removed from my loss and that my feelings aren't as raw as others' in the group. I know this is a good thing because I'm able to focus and help them through it. And, please don't get me wrong...I still tear up and get emotional at times because the raw pain and emotion is so evident. I remember those feelings. I still have them at times, and I'm thankful they come few and far between. But at times, I feel guilty for being where I am emotionally and wish everyone else could be there, too...

*Along those same lines, I have people in my support group who have had premature babies who have not lived. I struggle with feeling guilty, yet being so happy, that Emma Grace is alive and well today when their babies are not here with them. I don't know why Emma Grace lived at 25 weeks. I don't know why she not only lived but is so healthy with no problems from her prematurity. It is truly, simply a miracle. I don't know what God's will is for her life, but I give Him all the glory and know that I'm extremely grateful to have her here in my arms. I remember so clearly when we thought she wouldn't be. Unfortunately, that is the reality of some of the families I meet, and my heart absolutely breaks for them.

*I'm extremely sad that my child rearing days are over. I hear of people expecting babies and wish it was me. But then I remember how my body didn't agree with pregnancy (except with Jessica), even though I LOVED feeling the baby growing and moving inside of me. And then I remember the lack of sleep and how it really about pushed me over the edge after Matthew was born. But then I reason that it was extremely difficult because I was pumping AND trying to take care of him and that was why it was so hard. The truth, though, is that I'm done having biological babies, and I really am okay with that. Most of the time... Although I'm open to adoption if God lays it on mine and Gib's hearts one day.

*I'm super disappointed in myself. I started this year with some pretty big goals of getting in shape and running a half marathon by my 40th birthday in September. I started off really strong but fell off the wagon. Hard. I won't go into detail, but I've been dealing with some emotional "junk" and haven't been able to find my way back to the "happy" side of things yet. I don't have much motivation and seem to have a hard time doing anything really good for myself. My mind tells me one thing, but my body responds in a completely different way. SO FRUSTRATING! I don't blame anyone but myself because we are all in control of our choices, but still...I'm stuck!!! :/

*I am so torn between wanting to be home with Matthew and wanting to get a job. I still have the dream to be a perinatal loss coordinator in a hospital, specifically the hospital where Grady was born, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I've thought about trying to go into hospice. I've thought about being a NICU nurse. I've thought about going back to teaching breastfeeding and infant safety/cpr classes. But I've just thought about it. I tried to apply for one hospice job online and got so overwhelmed that I quit in the middle of it. Gib helped me get my resume together, but something is holding me back. I feel like I need to work, not only to help provide for our family financially but also to have something to call "my own". But, at the same time, I feel tremendous guilt over even thinking about leaving Matthew. I didn't leave the girls. Matthew has some special needs, and in some ways, I feel like he needs me even more. Grrrrr!

I have more things I could write about, but I'm honestly super sleepy and the bed is calling my name. If you made it this far, thank you. Hopefully I'll be back sooner than later!

Love,
Tonya

Colorado, February, 2012

We had an awesome time in Colorado visiting Gib's brother, Arthur, and his family. We left Atlanta on Wednesday, Feb. 15th at 9pm. I was worried about Matthew flying so late, considering he goes to bed around 7:30, but the hope was that he would sleep. He did...but only the last hour of the three hour flight. Unfortunately, Gib was seated two rows behind me, with Jessica across the aisle from him, and I was left to wrestle Matthew between Emma Grace and a very kind woman who was very gracious to us. We were seated right behind first class, which I'm sure was appreciated by all who resided there, too. It was so bad that at one point the lady sitting next to Gib said, "I hope that baby doesn't cry the whole time." Gib's reply..."I hope not, too, because he is mine."

Needless to say by the time we landed I was a hot, wet mess. I was sweaty from wrestling Matthew, but I had also been peed on twice.

Nice.

We spent the night at Arthur's house that night, and the kids had a bit of play time before we headed to the mountains on Thursday.


The two hour drive up to Copper Mountain was beautiful. I enjoyed the time in the car with my sister-in-law, Shannon, and fortunately the kids cooperated, too!

The altitude didn't get to me right away. Gib had problems during the night on Thursday, and my problems started Friday. I was dizzy, constant headache, nauseous, and very short of breath. Fortunately, their mountain house has an elevator that I used when I felt really bad.

On Friday, Uncle Arthur put the girls in private ski lessons, which they both really enjoyed. They caught on very quickly...Jessica was a "natural"; Emma Grace had a hard time turning left.


Saturday they spent most of the day skiing with Uncle Arthur and cousin Kylie before we headed back down the mountain that night. Here are Emma Grace and Kylie taking a ski and snack break.


In between skiing, the kids had a great time in the hot tub which was outside. They thought it was really cool that it snowed on them!


Uncle Arthur took a little time to enjoy the fruits of his labor.


This is the view from the outside deck. Their house is right on the mountain. We could see people riding up the lift and skiing down. I wish I had taken more pictures because it was just beautiful!


Matthew went out a few times in the snow, but he wasn't too sure about all the heavy clothes involved...


Daddy sure is proud of his little man! (But then again, we all are!)


Fortunately, the flight home Sunday morning was much better for all involved. Our seats were together, and Matthew slept pretty much the entire flight. I read while Gib and Matthew snuggled. So precious!


Of course the girls did fantastic. They are such great travelers and great helpers with Matthew.


Thanks Uncle Arthur, Aunt Shannon, Kylie and Collin for a GREAT trip!

Love,
Tonya

Catching Up

I have a confession...

I hardly ever get on blogger anymore.

*hide my eyes in shame*

I miss it, and I know that I'm letting valuable memories for our family slip away. But, the truth is that I just don't take time to blog anymore. By the time the kids are in bed, I'm ready to go to bed, too. And I fall asleep with the girls most nights anyway. But I feel as though I'm betraying someone by not blogging. Maybe it's myself I'm betraying because I once loved it so much and still have a deep desire to continue.

I logged on tonight to blog about our recent trip to Colorado, but the thought of uploading all the pictures makes me tired. So, once again, I took the easy way out and just titled this "Catching Up".

I want to elaborate on each of these topics, but if my past is an indication of my future, I will fall short...once again. :(

One of the biggest things that has happened lately is that Matthew started taking steps ALL BY HIMSELF last Tuesday, February 28, 2012 (19 1/2 months old). We were at physical therapy, and he just took off. I was so excited I cried and his therapist was thrilled, too. He has continued at home and I think we scare him with our claps and praises. He has been fitted for a brace for his right leg which should help him "take off" according to the doctor.

I started my own support group with Rock Goodbye Angel the beginning of February and so far, I think it is going well. It is so humbling and meaningful to see how God is using the hurt of losing Grady to reach out to others. One of my favorite NICU nurses (Kay) with Emma Grace sat on my bed, hugged me and whispered in my ear "God never wastes a hurt" the day after Grady was born. I see that becoming more and more true as time passes, and I'm so thankful.

Reconciliation with my brother-in-law, Arthur (Gib's brother), has been such a blessing. We hadn't spoken in four years, partly due to hurt feelings on my part and miscommunication and stubbornness from both of us. But since reconciling in the Bahamas last summer, our families have been together three times, and we have seen him four times in the past eight months. He so generously flew the five of us to Colorado the middle of February for the girls' midwinter break. They have a beautiful home, as well as a beautiful mountain home in Copper Mountain...and I mean it's right on the mountain. You can see people going up the ski lift and skiing down. He put the girls in private ski lessons which they loved! Jessica was a "natural", and Emma Grace did well too...she just had a hard time turning left! :)

Last week, I had a blast with my blog-turned-real-life-friend, Sara. She and five of her seven children came to stay two days with us. It wasn't nearly long enough, but I was so thankful it wasn't just one night like her visit two years ago. It was great to just be with her. I feel like we have been friends for years!!! I'm thinking about being a big girl and driving to Oklahoma this summer...we'll see!

Jessica tried out for cheerleading again this year, but unfortunately, she didn't make it. She was disappointed but she took the news like a champ. She has kept her head high and her chin up. There was more competition this year, and she knows she needs to work on a few things. She knows she did her best, and she's not giving up, which I'm most proud of.

That's all the "news" this tired brain can think of right now. I won't make any promises, but I do hope I'm back soon to post some pictures and elaborate more on what's been going on. I'm not sure why you still visit, but I'm so glad you do. Thanks!

Love,
Tonya

I'm a Big Kid Boy Now!

Matthew got his first haircut yesterday. He was instantly transformed from looking like a little baby to a big boy. Amazing what a difference just a few snips here and there can make.

Before:


During:



After:


And just a cute picture of how he uses his mouth as a third hand...


And a cute picture of just him...


Oh how he melts my heart!!!

Love,
Tonya

Matthew - 18 Months

I absolutely cannot believe our sweet Matthew is 18 months old today! It absolutely doesn't seem possible! Unfortunately, I can't post any real recent pictures because our camera is broken again. Grrrr! :/ But, I'll update you anyway.

He is very, very delayed which breaks my heart. There are certainly worse things in life, but it's very hard to see babies much younger than him doing so much more. And it's harder to see him want to do things that he physically can't do yet.

Physically he is progressing but very slowly. We still go to physical therapy every other week. We had been going every week until this week, but he seems to have hit a "wall". I continue to help him at home every day. He finally can get himself from laying down to a sitting position by pushing up with his left hand, but not his right. He still army crawls but has started to sporadically crawl on his hands and knees like normal. He pulls up on things pretty easily but always with his left foot in the lead and his right to follow. He cruises around the furniture and can walk behind a push toy. His right leg doesn't always cooperate and follow as it should, so I have to help it a little. We have some new tape to tape his leg so it is turned inward to help some when walking. He has just started to let go of things and stand for a couple of seconds before falling. He continues to prefer his left hand and mainly only uses his right when he has to. I do occasionally enforce some "forced use" therapy where I hold his left hand down and make him use his right. This does not make him happy!

We see the neurologist again in March. He had wanted Matthew's right heel to be evaluated by a pediatric orthopedic surgeon, so we have an appointment at Emory for that in February. He isn't saying he will have to have a heel-lengthening surgery. He just wants a baseline for future reference.

He isn't saying any true words yet...at least that we can understand. He jabbers all the time and converses back and forth with us. It does seem like he says "Hi" at times and "OK" but nothing definitive. At times it sounds like he says "Ummm" before he jabbers his language which is really cute. He says "Dadadada", "Mamamama" and "Babababa" but not appropriately. I think he calls Jessica "Guh" but again, we aren't sure. Emma Grace says her name from him is "Eh". He understands some simple commands which is encouraging. He knows where his most prized "lovie" is when I ask him, and he shares his pretend creations from the kitchen when I ask if I can have some. If I tell him to put a block in a box (for example) he can do that, too. His wheels are turning, and I continue to pray that he is neurologically and mentally intact. We just don't know the extent of the damage of that brain bleed, and we won't until he gets older.

Speaking of his head, Matthew was very sick at his 18 month well-check on January 16th, so it ended up being more of a sick visit instead. They did all his measurements and it didn't seem that his head grew at all since his 15 month check up. I measured it myself and it was bigger, but the pediatrician wants to measure his head every month for a while to be sure. I will know for sure about where his head plots and how much it has grown when we see the neurologist in March.

At 18 months, our little man weighed 25 lbs, 2 oz (40%), he was 32 1/2 in long (60%) and his head was 18 3/4 in (45%). Just three days prior to this visit he weighed 26 lbs but had lost a pound because of his sickness over that weekend. Also, when I measured his head, I got 19 1/4 inches. Who knows what's right or wrong and how much he weighs now! He is wearing 18-24 month clothes and size 4 diapers.

As for eating, he has all his teeth that he should have at this point, but he still struggles a bit. He doesn't like to eat veggies very well, so I'm very thankful for the veggie pouches that he will eat. He loves them and that's one way I can get some greens in him. He loves carrots if they are cooked in a roast and occasionally, if he's in the mood, he will eat some steamed carrots and peas. He gags on most everything else. :( At least he loves fruit with his favorites being bananas, strawberries, apples, and grapes. He likes mandarin oranges and pears on occasion, too. He would eat pizza or grilled cheese at every meal if I would let him. But, I don't, of course. He loves taco meat, avocados, black beans and spaghetti. Yogurt is a mainstay of his diet, too. He has just started to show interest in utensils, so I usually give him a spoon or a "spork" while he is eating. He puts food on it and takes the food back off to eat it. It's a start! Mostly he just loves to play with it and shove it in his mouth. The great news is that he is bottle free! He had his last bottle a couple of weeks ago. I was very sad to pack them up but elated to be done with them at the same time. He's really getting to be a big boy.

He goes in spurts with his sleeping. The last few nights have been great again with him going to bed around 7:30 and getting up between 6 and 7. He was getting up at 5am for a while which did not make this momma too happy. I'm not a morning person! He is still taking two naps, but I think he's about to switch to just one. That's a transition that I'm not looking forward to!

He has such a funny little personality! He loves to clap for himself over just about everything. He has the biggest smile that just melts my heart. He loves to play peek-a-boo and show you how big he is by raising his arms. However, he sometimes covers his ears instead of putting his arms up. I have no idea why! He has started showing his temper and voicing his opinion more loudly than ever. He has learned to arch his back and go limp when he doesn't get his way. He is very inquisitive as to any little change he sees or noise he hears. He likes to put things in something and take them back out, and he likes to pretend he's drawing or writing with a closed marker and some paper. He also loves to pull all the books all the shelves or the plastic containers out of the cabinets. He cries and pitches a fit for anything electronic, especially the girls' iPods and Jessica's iPhone. He still loves to play with the kitchen and loves to read books. His favorite books are "10 Little Ladybugs", "Wheels on the Bus" and "Five Little Monkeys". He tolerates "Goodnight Moon" but it's not his favorite. He loves to crawl into a room, close the door and play peek-a-boo. But he does not like it when he closes himself in! He loves to cuddle, especially when he's going to bed and waking up. He snsuggles into me and tucks his arms between us. And his open mouth kisses are still slobbery sweet...never can have too many of those! :)

Here are some of my favorite pictures of him from Christmas at 17 months old.


And, yes, he desperately needs his first hair cut SOON!

We love this little guy more than words can say! He makes our hearts happy and completely full of joy!

Love,
Tonya

Happy New Year, 2012!

Happy New Year my long lost friends! I miss you...really, I do! I have such great intentions to blog. I just don't make the time to do it. Obviously. And I apologize for that. Especially to readers like my Aunt Barbara, who reads this to keep up with our family. So, in honor of the new year, I will do a little catching up for all of you...and myself, too.

***We have had a GREAT break for Christmas. I have totally enjoyed our whole family being home. Gib goes back to work tomorrow; the girls go back Tuesday. Matthew and I will be lonely for sure. I'm not sure what, if anything, is going on with Jessica and her friends, but she hasn't asked to do much at all over break. She spent two nights with a friend and had another over one night, but that's it. I have totally enjoyed having her home. I'm sure things will change once school starts back.

We were going to go to Colorado this past week, but we decided to wait until our break in February. Plane tickets were way too expensive and are way cheaper if we wait. Gib's brother, Arthur, recently bought a house on a ski resort (Copper Mountain) in Colorado, and we're going to go check it out. Should be fun! I can't tell you how absolutely wonderful it is to have reconciled with Arthur after not really speaking for four years. Feels like the family is "back together"! I'm not sure we will ever be as close as we once were, but it just feels great to be in touch again.

The girls have gotten along exceptionally well this Christmas break. They have shared and spent some great time together. Jessica hardly ever uses her room upstairs; she mainly sleeps with Emma Grace. They really need a bunk bed. But don't tell them I said that! :)

***Matthew continues to blossom every day. His personality is so funny, and he is such a love! He absolutely melts my heart when I pick him up, and he lays his head on my shoulder. He has developed a temper, though. Gone is the laid back baby I once knew. Here is the baby who pitches a fit when he doesn't get what he wants...and I wouldn't have it any other way! I need to do an update on just him VERY soon.

***I'm reading "The Help". Emma Grace gave it to me for Christmas. I have a hard time putting it down. I really wanted to read the book before seeing the movie because that's just the way I prefer it. I'm almost done, but it feels like these last 100 pages or so are taking me the longest to get through.

I'm turning over a new leaf tomorrow, and I'm blogging about it for accountability. I'm starting South Beach diet tomorrow and am committed to exercising regularly. I did South Beach before I got pregnant with Grady and lost about 15 lbs. I like the way it works and think it's a healthy approach to weight loss. I turn 4o this September, and I'm determined to run a half marathon before then. And, I would love to wear a bikini to the pool this summer! :) Gib's mother made the mistake of saying "You can't run" to me at Gib's 40th birthday dinner. That just added fuel to my fire!

I'm also going to be looking for a nursing job this year. I really need the extra money, but more than that, I need something to call my own. Gib never makes me feel like the paycheck he receives is his...always "ours". But, I've worked since I was 14 and only recently have I not been earning an income of any type. I taught childbirth, breastfeeding and infant safety/cpr classes until Grady died, and then I continued to work at the preschool. I need something. I am starting my own support group for perinatal loss in one week, but I'm not getting paid. The funding for my salary has not come in, so I'm doing that on a volunteer basis. I'm also determined to get better at using coupons. I may not get a lot of free stuff like the "extreme couponers" do, but at least I will be saving money!

***I apologize for no pictures tonight. I'm tired and don't feel like waiting on them to load. One of my goals for 2012 is to blog more, not only for you my readers/friends but for memories for my family.

Happy New Year! See you soon!

Love,
Tonya

Santa Visit, 2011

One of my favorite local stores had Santa and Mrs. Clause visit last weekend for photos and a special time with the kids. To my GREAT surprise, Matthew didn't cry! He didn't smile either, but he didn't cry. I was amazed!

Here he is checking out Santa before his turn.


Emma Grace looked thrilled, huh? She sat this way the whole time she was talking to him with a little smirk on her face.


Jessica was somewhat big for Santa's lap, but she sat there and told him what she wanted. It didn't seem to bother her one bit to be surrounded by children many years younger than her. (It seems crazy to write that..."many years younger"...she is growing up so fast!)


Matthew was very interested in Mrs. Clause for their group picture, and no matter how hard I tried, he wasn't taking his eyes off of her!


And while we're talking about Christmas, here's a picture of my favorite little Rudolph. She and Jessica had a "make over" session with make up and a little face paint. Love it!


Hope to be back sooner than later!

Love,
Tonya