INTRODUCING...

MATTHEW GRADY

6 pounds, 2 ounces

18 inches long

Born at 6:37 pm.

A BIG BOY for 33 weeks and 2 days!

He is in the NICU on CPAP and doing well at the moment. He may still need to be intubated, but only time will tell. It has been a very emotional, trying day, and I'm exhausted. Physically, I'm doing well. Just normal post c-section pain. We are so blessed and thankful to have an alive, breathing baby. Jessica and Emma Grace will meet him tomorrow. I literally heard the smile in Jessica's voice tonight when I talked to her. I will post more details later, but this was definitely the day the Lord had planned for him to enter this world.

Please pray for:

* his breathing to be easy
* his lungs to continue maturing
* no brain bleed
* no NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis)
* no other complications
* anything else I didn't think of or that the Lord may lay on your heart

Love,
Tonya

Short Update

It's short but not sweet. And I'm apologizing for any typos I miss because my hands are shaking like I have Parkinson's from all the Terbutaline I've had.

Basically, I was VERY encouraged yesterday because the Procardia they gave me yesterday quieted my uterus amazingly well. However at 4am this morning, I started contracting frequently right through it. They gave me some oral Terbutaline twice between my scheduled doses of Procardia. I continue to contract. I have had subq (in the arm) Terbutaline twice which has not helped very much either. Dr. Joe feels that if the subq Terb in my arms doesn't help, the Terb pump in my leg might not do that much better. He is talking about a low-dose of Mag Sulfate to be started later today. I'm dreading it. Literally dreading it. But hopefully a low dose will be okay and do the trick, and I might not feel so horrible on it.

I did get my second dose of Celestone yesterday at 5pm to help Dumplin's lungs. That's good. Our goal now is to make it to next Wednesday the 21st. Dr. Joe has me TENTATIVELY scheduled for a c-section that morning at 7:30am. He said we will cancel it if I'm doing great; otherwise that's the day. But, that day may come sooner if my uterus doesn't straighten up and behave.

UGGH!

I'm so frustrated and MAD at my body. I'm HATING my body in fact! I know there are plenty of you reading who have been there yourself.

There are a slew of emotions whirling around in me right now. Too many to write about, and truthfully I don't want to write about them.

As I just typed this, I got my third subq Terbutaline shot. Probably time to say goodbye before my hands shake so bad I knock the computer off my lap.

Please pray these meds work and Dumplin' holds off until next Wed. Every day he can be inside of me helps him to have a better outcome. But as always, God's will. Not our's.

Love,
Tonya

Again, Not What I Expected

Things aren't terrible, but they're not great. Definitely not what I expected when I was admitted yesterday.

I was admitted around 1pm yesterday, and within the first 30 minutes I was on the monitor, I had 12 contractions. Granted, they weren't real contractions, but they don't even want someone to have more than 6 braxton-hicks per hour. I was well above that. From 2-3pm, I had 19 contractions; 3-4pm, 14; and 4-5pm, 7. Those numbers only got better because I was given oral Terbutaline to help them subside.

Starting at 5pm, they gave me three shots of Terbutaline in my arm. This did the trick, and my uterus was calm for a while. Dr. Joe was happy with the results. I got another oral dose at 8pm, and we waited.

I had the nurse put me back on the monitor at 2am because I was feeling more contractions. I have contracted all night. Got another three shots between 4-5am that didn't work. They have just given me some Procardia. If I don't do well on this, either because it will drop my BP too low or because it doesn't stop the contractions, Dr. Joe is talking Mag Sulfate. I've only heard horror stories about this medicine, but I'm most certainly willing to try it.

The concern, again, is that with all of these contractions, my uterus being so big and stretching so much, that it could possibly rupture. I'm extremely glad I'm here, but it's very frustrating, too. You see, these contractions are nothing new for me. I've been having them, this frequent and this strong, for weeks. But now that I'm here, they're a big deal. And I understand why. I'm just frustrated. I thought I was coming just as a precaution. What was my norm has now turned into a medical event.

I didn't sleep a wink last night between contractions, this crick in my neck, thinking about Dumplin' being born even earlier than 36 weeks, and worrying about the possibility of getting Mag today, or soon. I really want Dumplin' to make it one more week to 34 weeks. "Wimpy white boys" don't always do that great in the NICU. Dr. Joe has the same goal in mind, but he will not wait if a more serious situation arises. The main goal right now is for me to get my second dose of steroids for Dumplin' today at 5pm. These help his lungs mature a little faster.

I'm trying very hard to find the positives in this because they are always there. I'm 33 weeks today. I'm here being monitored closely. I'm here if an emergency does arise. My family is wonderfully supportive and taken care of. My baby is still alive. I believe and trust in a God who is in control and has a plan for both me and Dumplin'.

Thank you so much for your sweet comments and prayers. Internet connection here at the hospital is TERRIBLE. I've only been able to log onto my email once, on only one of my accounts. The internet connection apparently does not like Yahoo. So, if you've emailed me and haven't heard back, please don't think I'm ignoring you.

Thanks for checking in and praying for us!!!

Love,
Tonya

Hi Ho, Hi Ho...

...it's off to high-risk I go!

I'll be heading to the hospital today until Dumplin' arrives. This is a precautionary measure. And while I'm sad and don't look forward to staring at the same four walls, I'm so thankful to have a doctor who is conservative and on top of things.

Saturday, I took the girls to Walmart to get school supplies. Now let me just pause here and say that I never do these kinds of things early, but Jessica was persistent so off we went. And what a blessing that I have already purchased Emma Grace's uniforms for the school year, too. It's taken care of and Gib won't have to deal with it. Praise the Lord for His blessings, big and small!

Anyway, as we were casually taking our time in the store, I had the worst pain in my abdomen. It literally felt like my uterus was splitting right down the middle. It was so painful that I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. We bought what we had, and Jessica helped get everything in the car. Once I sat down I felt a bit better, but it continued to hurt. I drove the 15 minute drive home and promptly went to bed, where I stayed for about three hours. The pain subsided, and I didn't call Dr. Joe. The pain has come back once at almost the same intensity but not quite. The last couple of days, I've had twinges here and there of the pain and pulling sensation.

So, at my appointment with Dr. Joe yesterday, I thought I was in the clear. Dumplin' produced a great heart rate strip for his NST, and my cervix looked great on ultrasound.

But then I told him about the pain.

His demeanor changed, and I could see (almost hear) his wheels turning. But I wasn't prepared for what came next...

I measured 37cm yesterday which isn't too terribly big considering I'll be 33 weeks tomorrow. But I am big, Dumplin' is big and VERY active. I have LOTS and LOTS of braxton-hicks contractions (the practice ones) with some real ones mixed in. Dr. Joe is concerned with all of those things, combined with the pain I'm having in my middle uterus, that my uterus might rupture. I'm at risk for this because I have an old fashioned, classical incision on my uterus from Emma Grace being born so emergently at 25 weeks.

Dr. Joe looked around my uterus with ultrasound and saw nothing alarming, but he sure did keep feeling and poking around on my abdomen. I asked him if it felt okay, and his response was, "Yeah, it's okay." I got the feeling that something he felt was a bit off, but he didn't want to alarm me, too. I feel like if it was great he would have said so. It wasn't long after that he mentioned the hospital.

He told me that if I had called him from where I live (45 minutes from the hospital) and told him the kind of pain I was having, he would have "freaked out". He said with a uterine rupture that far away, there's no chance of saving the baby and it's very dangerous for me, too. If I was in the hospital parking lot, it would still be too far away. But if I'm on the high risk unit, "there's a fighting chance if something were to happen".

So, off to high-risk I go sometime today. I think if I had not had the girls with me yesterday, Dr, Joe might have gone ahead and admitted me. He didn't give me a specific time to be there, and I'm not in a hurry. I haven't packed. Instead, last night I spent time with my family, got the laundry caught up, and made lists of how to do things around here for Gib and the girls. Things are not perfect and exactly in order the way I would like them to be for the next few weeks, but I've had to step back and examine my priorities. And a perfectly clean, orderly house is NOT at the top. Dumplin' isn't going to know, or care, if things aren't perfect in his room. As long as he has milk, diapers and a soft place to lay his head, that's all he needs. Who cares about the rest, right?

I cried lots of tears yesterday at the thought of being away, and I know more are to come today. I was on bedrest for 12 days with Emma Grace. The days aren't so bad because of visitors that come and go, but the nights are long and lonely. My family is sad, but they understand this is the best thing to keep me and Dumplin' safe.

I was in the nursery last night (which is a TOTAL mess right now because of a mega fort the girls built) showing Jessica things that had to be washed, and I looked into the crib. There lay Grady's white gown, his hospital bands, the bag with his locks of hair, and the gown he wore during my time with him. I put my hand on the side of the crib and tearfully said to Jessica, "This is what we're trying to keep from happening again. We want an alive baby to bring home this time." She and I hugged and agreed it would all be worth it.

We would so very much appreciate your prayers. Some specifics to pray for are:

--Dumplin' stays put until his August 4th c-section date
--Dumplin's lungs will mature
--my uterus won't rupture and there will be no other complications
--peace and survival for Gib and the girls while I'm away

We rest in the fact that this is God's plan and His will for me and Dumplin' right now. Thank you so much for your prayers and support!

Love,
Tonya

The Countdown

It's something I said I wouldn't do. When my friend, Ebe, told me how many days she had until her sweet Hannah's arrival, I remember clearly stating that I could never count down until we got really close. It would drive me crazy.

One thing I've learned in life is to "never say never". I was bored in the car pool line one day and found the calendar on my cell phone. What did I do? I counted the days until August 4th, the date of Dumplin's scheduled c-section.

104 days.

It seemed like an eternity.

What number are we at today?

28.

28 days until our baby boy is scheduled to arrive. This is, of course, our plan. God may have a different one, but I hope not. He needs every day inside of me for his lungs to mature.

Ebe had jelly beans in a bowl and each day she or her hubby would eat one. I stole that idea from her for the girls. Instead of one bowl, we have two, one for each of them. Instead of jelly beans, we used Skittles.

Here they are counting their Skittles into their bowls.




We started at 45 days.



This is what the bowls look like today, at 28.



And just for fun, I pushed the Skittles to the top portion of the bowls and added a bit of Dumplin' in the picture.



It's a bit surreal that we're down to four weeks. Jessica keeps saying she's ready to go back to school. I'm NOT ready for them to go back. It seems like they just got out. Her reason for wanting school to start back is this..."But Mommy, when school starts, [Dumplin'] will come two days later".

So, counting down we are. All of us. Even Gib.

Love,
Tonya

Not So Little at 31 Weeks

Well, it appears that Mama T isn't the only one who is big!

I had a growth scan yesterday for Dumplin' since I measured 39cm last Thursday when I was only 30 weeks pregnant. I went back Monday (since I'm going three times a week now) and I only measured 34 1/2 cm. Dr. Joe is the only one who measures me, so I know it's accurate and not variation between practitioners. He said the difference was probably due to baby positioning. Makes sense to me.

I drove down and had lunch with the nurses and ultrasound (u/s) tech before my 1:45 appointment. The u/s tech thought I was about 35 weeks pregnant when she saw me. :) I enjoyed lunch but I couldn't wait to get into the u/s room and measure Dumplin'!

She got some really good measurements of his head, abdomen, and femur. Immediately when she saw his head, she said he has LOTS of hair. Can't wait to see! (Well, yes I can but you know what I mean!) After plugging in the measurements, she pulled up the screen that calculates the numbers.

OH MY GOSH!

Her measurements estimate that Dumplin weighs a whopping 5 pounds, 3 ounces already!

I was shocked! I had a feeling he was big based on how I feel and how big I am. But I had no idea he could be that big already.

I did make sure to clarify that the estimate could be a pound off either way... She confirmed that to be true but also said that she got some really good measurements and feels pretty sure that he weighs about 5 pounds.

He will probably be our biggest baby yet.

After the u/s, I had to see Dr. Joe. My uterus did not behave very well Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I woke up around 1:30am having contractions. Real ones, complete with cramping, backache and a distorted uterus because it was so tight. I got up, started drinking water and moving around some. It scared the stew out of me! Not just for the contractions, but also because I have a classical incision from Emma Grace that could rupture if I go into labor. Gib got up to check on me, and I told him I would call Dr. Joe if they didn't stop soon. Thankfully, they slowed down a considerable amount, and I was able to go back to sleep around 5am.

Dr. Joe checked my cervix yesterday, and it is still long and thick, measuring about 6.2 which is great! I'm so thankful. Dumplin' needs every day inside of me to help his lungs mature. I came home with a prescription for Brethine in case that happens again. It makes me feel better to be armed with something to take and try on my own first. I had to take it very occasionally with Grady, and I suspect the same for the remainder of this pregnancy, too.

Just to be sure, I will have my blood sugar checked again tomorrow to be certain that I don't have gestational diabetes. I passed the first one but barely. I asked Dr. Joe if we could check again, thinking that might be why Dumplin' is so big. He obliged and said that was a good idea. They will take a fasting blood sugar this time, too. Hopefully I'll pass because I hate the thought of having to give up my Breyer's chocolate ice cream and Reese's Klondike bars. YUM! But I'll do it for Dumplin' if I need to!

I hate when Dumplin' gets the hiccups! I used to think they were so fun, but now I freak out everytime he has them. I read somewhere a correlation between hiccups and stillbirth. I don't know details, but it scares the stew out of me! Oh, how I miss the innocence of pregnancy...

With only 34 days left, I really need to get on the ball about a car seat and getting the room ready. But it's very overwhelming to me. I have to pack Grady's things away, and I don't want to. I know that each momento and card I pick up will bring a slew of emotions back to me. I'm so excited for Dumplin's arrival, and I want to get things ready for him. But it feels like saying goodbye to Grady all over again...

Sigh.

That's about all for now. I have a pedicure appointment today at 11 and the girls are getting haircuts while we're there. Emma Grace wants a lot cut off of hers; Jessica not so much. If I can remember, I'll take pictures to post.

Love,
Tonya

Update. 30 Weeks.

I've missed my computer time. I've missed blogging. And I've missed you!

Gib has been super busy with his school work. We do not have wireless internet as of yet, therefore I haven't been able to get on the computer/internet very much. The break has been kind of nice, but I have emails that need answering and blog posts that need to be written!

I thought you might want an update on me and Dumplin', and I need to write just to document some of what's been going on.

A week ago today, Friday the 18th, I made an unexpected trip to the doctor. Dr. Joe was out of town, so I had the pleasure of meeting one of the docs with whom he rotates call. Let me back up...

The night before, Thursday, I had a slight suspicion that my water had broken. I was a little concerned, but the event that led to my suspicion only happened once. I became less worried as time passed. The other thing that was alarming is that I was one big walking braxton-hicks contraction! I literally couldn't get up to go to the restroom without having one. And then another. And another. Gib sent me to bed and wouldn't let me up unless I had to go potty. Which was a lot because I was trying to drink lots of fluids. What a catch-22 for me! Once I was still, I only had four braxton-hicks in an hour and they slowed after that. I decided to wait until Friday to call the doctor.

When I did call Friday, I was calling to ask if my appointment for yesterday could be moved to Monday. When the ladies asked me what was going on, they agreed that Dr. Joe would want me seen before Monday and arranged for me to get in with the on-call doc. He determined that my water had NOT broken by using nitrazine paper. He checked my cervix via ultrasound to confirm that it was long, thick and not funneling. And he checked my pockets of fluid to make sure there was plenty, which there was. So I left the office with some peace of mind for the upcoming weekend.

That Friday afternoon/evening, I started having numerous contractions again. I called the on-call doc, and he prescribed Procardia for me. I made sure to tell him that my blood pressure was normally low, but he seemed to think I would be fine as it was an extended release dosage. Well, it helped settle my uterus but made me feel HORRIBLE during the night. When I would wake up, I felt like I was spinning and very out of sorts. I know my blood pressure was low because once I would sit up and get my heart rate up a bit, I felt better. I only took it that one time.

I checked in with Dr. Joe on Monday via phone and gave an update on how I was doing. We decided that I could wait until my scheduled appointment yesterday.

Yesterday, I had my first non-stress test (NST). For those of you who don't know what that is, they get me very comfortable in a recliner and monitor Dumplin's heart rate for about 20-30 minutes. He only had one deceleration which scared me, of course, but Dr. Joe said it was a beautiful strip.

On to my exam...Dr. Joe measured my uterus using his little tape measure. Keep in mind that the number of weeks pregnant should match the number of cm measured.

I turned 30 weeks this past Wednesday.

After he measured me, he walked over to the counter to record it, so his back was turned to me.

Me: "What did I measure?"

Dr. Joe: "Do I have to tell you?"

Me: "Yes".

Dr. Joe: "Do I really have to tell you?"

Me: "Yes, I really want to know."

[He walks over and stands beside me]

Dr Joe: "39."

WHAT?!?!?!

I couldn't believe my ears. The day of my last appointment, I was 28 weeks and measured 32 cm. That was on Friday June 11th.

How in the world did I grow 7 cm in 13 days???

We are both puzzled. He checked my fluid levels, and they're fine. He looked all around and didn't see any fibroids that could be making me so big. He doesn't think Dumplin' is much bigger than he should be, but I will have a growth scan on Wednesday to check just how big he is.

For the record, I've only gained 27 pounds. I knew I got big really fast. All of a sudden my pants didn't fit, and I had much more belly resting on my legs when sitting. I surely don't understand it. Dr. Joe doesn't understand it. I flat out asked him if he was worried, and he said no. I could tell he was puzzled, though. It makes me nervous because of my classical incision that I have from Emma Grace. I'm sure it's irrational, but I wonder if my uterus will just pop...

I still have 40 days to go, and Dumplin' has lots more growing to do.

Dr. Joe doesn't want me to take anything for all of the braxton-hicks that I have. My cervix looks great, and they're obviously not changing it. I just have to pay close attention to the difference in those and real labor contractions. Fortunately, I've had them both and can pretty well tell them apart.

I was supposed to start having appointments twice a week, once with Dr. Joe for a NST and once with the high-risk doctor for a bio-physical profile (BPP). Dr. Joe has changed his mind. Instead I will go to his office three times a week. He or his ultrasound tech will do my BPP on Wednesdays, and I will have a NST on Mondays and Fridays. It will cost us an arm and leg in gas, as it is almost 100 miles round trip to the doctor, but I'm all about being super-conservative. I think it will bring me great peace of mind to have Dumplin' checked on three times a week. Plus they're like family to me in that office, and it will be much better than getting stuck waiting once a week for three hours in the high-risk office.

So that's where things stand. I'll keep you posted.

Gib took the girls to the pool for three hours Monday so I could rest. I literally crawled back in the bed and rested. It was GREAT! Tuesday we all went to the pool. Wednesday we all went to the free summer movie which was "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" this week. It was really cute...we all enjoyed it. After the movie, we had lunch with our wonderful Aunt Barbara at MiMi's Cafe. It was so good to see her and catch up for a bit. Yesterday Gib took the girls fishing with his parents at some of their friends' house. They had a blast and enjoyed Zaxby's afterwards. Today, the girls and I hung out at the pool for about two hours and did a little shopping this evening. We had dinner at Chick-fil-A which is always a treat for the girls, especially Jessica.

Hope all of you have a great weekend! My plan is to get our house a bit more in order and catch up on laundry tomorrow. Gib has class all day from 9-5, but we're looking forward to seeing some fireworks tomorrow night from the comfort of our front yard. Our town is having their 4th of July celebration in a different location this year which happens to be just down the street from us.

I'll leave you with a few pictures.

The girls and their fish...





My big ole Dumplin' belly today before going to the pool. 3o weeks and 2 days.



Love,
Tonya

Tidbits from T

I've been a terrible blogger. I know it. I'm sorry! Thanks for continuing to visit and read when I do blog, though!

I started a post early one morning last week of Emma Grace's birthday in pictures, but for some reason I started feeling really bad and had to go back to bed. I'm not sure what happened because I had already eaten, but I suddenly became very lightheaded and nauseaus and thought I was going to pass out. By the time I got up, the day demanded other things instead of blogging. I will get those pictures posted!

Today, it's just a hodge-podge of thoughts to share.

~~~It is miserably, humidly (is that a word?) hot here in GA already. What in the world is July going to be like? When we go to the pool, I stand under the mushroom to cool off or stand on the stairs and splash myself with water. I know people probably wonder why I don't just get in, but I don't necessarily share my high-risk state with everyone, despite my love of talking and open-bookedness about my life. I'm going to try to find our spray bottles with fans that we got a few years ago at Disney to take the next time we go. Which might be in just a bit...

~~~Jessica had her slumber party Friday night. All of her friends she wanted to invite were here, and I'm pretty sure they all had a good time. Two of the girls went to sleep right after the movie like they were supposed to, around 1:30am. But three others, including my Jessi Bear, were still awake at 4am! Emma Grace went to bed about 12:45am, and everyone was tired the next day. Especially me!

~~~Emma Grace got to spend some time with a friend of hers from preschool Saturday evening. We were invited to swim and cookout for Ella Brooke's 7th birthday. It was lots of fun and great to catch up with their family. She and Emma Grace could pass for sisters in a heartbeat. I wish I had taken my camera, but I forgot. :(

~~~Gib has been working a lot...if not for work, for school. He is at work again today administering the summer Gateway test and also has to work tomorrow. Wednesday will be the first day he has had just to be home since school got out the end of May. I'm looking forward to it! His summer courses for UGA are jam-packed. He has so much to do in such a short time. We are trying to leave him alone and give him the time he needs to devote to his assignments/projects. The time is going to fly for him, I do believe.

~~~Speaking of time, time is dragging for me with this pregnancy. 51 days from today is my scheduled c-section. I said I wasn't going to countdown. However, I counted out of curiosity one day and the numbers have stuck with me. On Wednesday I'll be 29 weeks, so 7 weeks from that day, Dumplin' will be born. At least that's our plan... I'm praying he doesn't decide to come sooner because he needs everyday he can get in the womb for his lungs to develop.

I got a slight tongue-lashing by Dr. Joe on Friday. He was going out of town this week, so I went to see him once more before he left. As he was listening to Dumplin's heartbeat, he commented on how active he was. I told him that wasn't the case that Tuesday night...

Tuesday night between midnight and 4:30am, I didn't feel Dumplin' at all. It was horrible! I was convinced he had died. I hoped he was sleeping. I prayed, begged and pleaded with the Lord to let me feel movement. Finally, I did. You might ask why I didn't I call the doctor. Same thing with Grady...I knew if he had died, it was already too late.

So, when I mentioned this to Dr. Joe, he stopped what he was doing, got a slightly stern look on his face and said the following (with his finger pointed at me), "Don't tell me that. You've come too far to mess around with stuff like that. The next time something like that happens, you get your butt to Labor and Delivery for a NST."

I would hate to see him really mad! I felt like I was being scolded by my dad. I know he's right. And I know that he cares about this baby. When Grady died, he made the comment that he was his baby, too and he didn't understand, with tears in his eyes. I love that I have such a conservative, caring doctor. But I am also walking that fine line of being that overly paranoid patient who calls the office for every little thing. Believe me...I could VERY easily be that person!

I'm thinking of renting a doppler for the next 7 weeks to listen for Dumplin's heartbeat when he is quiet and still. I think it will be worth the money just to give me peace of mind. I bought one at the store, but it's a piece of junk. We'll see.

~~~Church was AWESOME yesterday! Our pastor started a two-part series called "The Man I Want To Be". It was powerful, even for me as a woman. We don't do a lot of aisle-walking at our church, but at the end of yesterday's sermon, men were invited to come forward for prayer, to share their salvation and/or for baptism, to publicly express their trust in the Lord. Gib and I thought it strange when we saw a baptismal set up in the courtyard of the Classic Center as we were on our way into church. But that's what it was for. Unrehearsed, unplanned, spur-of-the-moment baptisms. The church provided shorts, t-shirts, towels and even hairbrushes and hair gel for those who had plans after church. About 20-25 men came forward in the early service. We stayed to watch and support them, and one of our pastors got to baptize his dad. Gib even lost it at that moment (I should clarify that when Gib loses it, it's much different than when I lose it. He gets very teary-eyed.) I don't know what they'll do next week for Father's Day but it will be hard to top yesterday!

~~~I'm having fun as I type watching Buddy chase a fly around our house. Speaking of flies, Saturday night at Ella Brooke's party, I noticed that above the door was a plastic bag with a little water in it. Do you know the flies would not fly under that bag into the house? Just thought I'd share that if the flies are as bad where you are as they are here. It looks funny but worth it not to have to chase them everywhere to kill them.

~~~For some reason Gib does not have class this weekend, and we've decided to participate in the community yard sale. Oh boy. What have I done!?! It was my idea but we have so much stuff that we need to get rid of, especially toys. The girls did a good job of going through some of their stuff yesterday. I have my work cut out for me this week, for sure! I'm hoping Gib will bring home some boxes from work for me to put stuff in. We did decide that whatever goes out the door will NOT come back in! I'll let you know how it goes.

That's all I can think of to share right now. Off to finish some laundry and plan our day. Have a great one!

Love,
Tonya

Just Think Positive

If I've heard those words once, I feel like I've heard them 1,000 times. And honestly, they drive me crazy. Grate my nerves. Get under my skin.

And I've grown to hate them.

I'm sure that everyone in my real life feels like they walk on egg shells around me, and I hate that, too. People try to say the right thing, and I appreciate their effort. I really do. I usually smile and say, "I'm trying".

"You just have to think positive!"

Those words encompass so much for me.

I've debated for a few days as to whether to delve into this post or not, but I'm going for it. These are simply my opinions...you may agree or not and that's okay. Just as the same is true about everything else on this here blog of mine.

The majority of the time, when I project the slightest bit of doubt as to the outcome of this pregnancy, I get one of two responses:

1. "Don't say that."

2. "You have to think positive."

So begins my internal rebuttal...

Why not say that?

It has been my reality in the past. I'm saying what's on my mind. Just because I say it does not mean it will happen. If I don't say it, that also does not mean that it won't happen. Just because I express my thoughts doesn't mean they will come to fruition. And if I keep it inside, those thoughts and feelings don't just disappear. They're always there. The excitement mixed with fear and anxiety of what could be...

But we are waiting for the outcome, and that's all we can do. Living one day at a time. We cling to the hope that everything is going to be fine, and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms to bring home in August. We pray fervently for God's will but let our hearts' desires be known to Him. But only He knows. And we rest in that for now. It's hard, but it's all we've got.

On to the second point.

What does thinking positively have to do with the outcome of this pregnancy?

I believe with 100% of my being that one should not live life seeing the glass as always half empty. If we live in such a negative state all the time, it can certainly affect our health and our relationships with those around us. When this happens, that person cannot experience happiness, often has no hope, sees everything as useless...so why even try to engage in life?

I do engage and feel happiness and have hope.

But letting negative thoughts creep into my mind, or allowing them to dwell there for a while, is NOT going to determine if this baby lives or dies. I don't believe that one bit.

Dumplin's days are already numbered, just as yours and mine are. Only God knows.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)says,

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

I clung to this verse right after Emma Grace was born so prematurely. This verse brought me comfort after Grady went to heaven. And this verse still rings true with me today.

"ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE".

Positive thoughts. Negative thoughts. Crazy, off-the-wall thoughts. They really don't matter. They don't determine this baby's life or death.

And there's one more reason that I so profoundly dislike this statement. To me, it implies that I didn't think positively with Grady.

Would positive thoughts have kept him alive?

Nope.

Because, believe me, if they could, he would be here today, alive and well. I prayed for him every single day. I daydreamed and thought of bringing him home. Nursing him, rocking him, loving him, bathing him, changing his diapers, spending long nights awake with just me and him, watching him sleep, and experiencing, in general, what a little boy would be like. I thought of all the new things we would get to do with a boy. I thought of how I wouldn't hold back all the many kisses that I love to give my children just because he was a boy and I didn't want to make him too feminine.

I thought plenty of positive thoughts during my pregnancy with Grady. They didn't change the outcome. His days were already numbered.

And I don't believe for one second that the feelings/fears that I openly express or the endless positive thoughts that I could think will change God's will for this baby's life, either.

Love,
Tonya

25 Weeks. Emotional Wreck.

I turned 25 weeks yesterday, and I'm so thankful I already had an appointment scheduled. I just didn't feel well yesterday. But on the way to the doctor I started having lots of pressure *down there*. I have frequent heaviness in my lower abdomen because of how low I'm carrying him, but it's way too early to be having pressure my friends.

But maybe not.

At least not for me.

Sigh.

My FFN test came back negative again, which was great. This is a test that has an 80% accuracy rate in predicting whether one will go into preterm labor or have a premature rupture of membranes (water breaking) within the next two weeks. I don't have total faith in the test, though, because unfortunately I know a sweet family who fell into the 20% group where it was wrong. The outcome of her pregnancy was not good. I will forever have that little bit of doubt in my mind about the FFN test...

Dr. Joe took a look at my cervix as he always does, and we could see Dumplin's hiney. Maybe my uterus just didn't like his hiney being there yesterday...sort of like it didn't like his head being there Friday. He thinks the pressure is just coming from the fact that it's my fourth pregnancy...it may just be something I have to deal with. The good news is that it my cervix was long and thick which is just the way we want it to stay.

I've also been having terrible headaches. I don't have one as of yet today, but they've been bad. My blood pressure was normal to low. He attributed the headaches to my blood pressure and hormones. I think they're also from the fact that I don't get much sleep. The pain in my right leg often wakes me up and keeps me up.

Who knows!?!

But I know this...I was an emotional wreck yesterday.

Literally. Seriously. A wreck.

When everything checked out with my exam, I told Dr. Joe that I was having a hard time with symptoms and when to worry about them. He said a little bit of worry all the time was good, so that I didn't dismiss anything. But he went on to say he thought I was worrying a little too much right now.

It's hard.

Very hard.

And he could see that on my face. When he stood to leave, he walked over to give me a hug and told me to hang in there. The tears really started to flow...

You know how when you're having a bad day and someone does or says something kind, that's when you lose it. That was that moment for me yesterday.

I cried off and on all day yesterday. This is such an emotional time in pregnancy for me because Emma Grace was born tomorrow at 25 weeks and 2 days. I don't think the same is going to happen with Dumplin' but it does bring about a slew of emotions. I had a hard time at this point in my pregnancy with Grady, too.

But, I feel like I hit a wall yesterday. Pregnancy thus far has been hard emotionally. Just being pregnant again in general. Thinking so much about Grady and my pregnancy with him. Knowing that if he had lived I would not be pregnant with Dumplin' because he was definitely going to be our last.

But as far as emotions go, I don't think it's going to get better. In fact, I think it's going to get worse the further along I get. It's very hard to put what I'm feeling into words.

I want SO badly for Dumplin' to live. I have 11 weeks to go still. I know first-hand how much can happen during that time, both personally and through friends. It may sound like I'm only focusing on the negative aspects of pregnancy. If it does, then it does. Because I'm not. The risks and negative twists have been reality for me before. Just because certain things happened before does not mean they will happen again. But it also doesn't mean that they won't...

People can encourage me till they're blue in the face. And I need that to an extent. But honestly, too much cheerfulness and optimism makes me crazy. And mad. Because I also need for people to realize and try to understand what it's like to be in my shoes. Having lived through the worst. Having almost lived through the worst twice.

We made this decision to try again. We don't regret it for one second. We already love Dumplin' and my family is SO VERY HOPEFUL that he will join us as a living, breathing member of our family.

I am NOT having a pity party for myself. I just need to vent what I'm feeling. And it's not all good. At least not all the time. There ARE happy times. But in some ways I'm dealing with certain aspects of grief all over again, along with fear and anxiety and worry.

Dr. Joe told me as he was leaving to "Just Pray." I told him "I do." He said, "A Lot!" I told him "I do." And I know LOTS of you out there are praying for me, too. And that just means the world to me. In my opinion, it truly is the greatest gift you can give someone.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

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I tried to take a few pictures of myself yesterday but they didn't turn out too good. So I'm not going to post them. But I'm still big. Measuring 31cm at 25 weeks. Yes, I went from being 30cm on Friday to 31cm on Wednesday. And I gained TWO MORE POUNDS! Uggh. I had my one hour glucose test yesterday, and I'm really hoping I passed it. I had to do the three hour with Jessica and it was awful! Don't want to go down that road again...

I'll keep you posted.

Love,
Tonya

23 weeks. Anxiety. My New Line.

Today I am entering the 23rd week of my pregnancy. Although I feel like I'm 30 weeks...and look like I'm 30 weeks...and measure 30 weeks, I am only 23. (I tried to take a picture of myself in the mirror again, but it just didn't work!) Dr. Joe checked my fluid levels Monday and took a quick look at Dumplin' and all is well. He simply described my uterus as a muscle on steroids that is super sensitive to the progesterone that I'm producing right now. He has no reason for concern which puts my mind at ease. Seriously, though, I need to plateau with my measurements soon! I was in my 30's before that happened with Grady, but I wasn't this big this early with him either!

This is the week of my pregnancy with Emma Grace that my water broke. 23 weeks, 4 days. These next few weeks were a stressful time in my pregnancy with Grady, and I'm afraid they are going to be stressful this time, too. I know that I have absolutely NO control over whether my water breaks or not. Worrying won't change a thing. But I won't lie. I'm anxious. I'm not dwelling on it, but the thought is there. The fear is there. I brush it aside, but it always surfaces again, stronger at times than others.

But there again, I think about it ALL. Because, honestly, I've lived it. And when you've been there and experienced it, you can't help but think about it. I think about this baby living; I think about this baby dying. I think about carrying him to full-term; I think about delivering him prematurely. These have all been my reality in the past. I want to believe and hope for a healthy baby to bring home at the end of all of this. I want to trust in God's sovereign plan for our lives and Dumplin's. But there are no guarantees. No one knows that better than me. But one thing I am guaranteed, and know for sure, is that there is a higher power in control, and his name is God. And I trust Him. And I believe in Him. And I know that whatever the outcome of this pregnancy, He is good and faithful and loves me.

Dr. Joe is monitoring me closely and performing tests that typically aren't done this early, just to be sure. I know that I'm in good hands all around. But I sure could use some prayers for this anxiety-ridden time which I'm afraid won't pass too quickly.

And speaking of Dr. Joe, I told him on Monday that if one more person asks me if I'm having twins I might tear their head off. He laughed and said, "Well, what you should say is...no, as a matter of fact I'm having triplets".

That's my new line. I love it! And I'm seriously going to use it. Of course, I will go on to tell people the truth. But I don't even answer the question of when my due date is straight-up. Nope. 'Cuz if I told people my due date is September 1st, their mouths would seriously drop open, more than they already do. So my standard answer to that question is that I will have a c-section on August 4th. Which is absolutely the truth...if things go according to plan...

On a different note, I was so excited to get a pedicure this morning! I got a fungus when I was pregnant with Grady and swore I would never get one professionally again. Well, considering that I have a hard time tying my shoes, my toes were in desperate need of attention! I went to the salon where I have my hair done. There is one lady and one basin who works out of it which is exactly what I wanted. My feet feel soft and look much better...it's the little things that make a difference for us women, huh?

And one more thing, Jessica pitched three innings in her softball game last night. And I must say, she did great! They still lost, but she had her "game-on" and made some great catches and good plays. We were proud of her, but the more important thing is that she was proud of herself (in a humble way).

I hope you're having a great day from wherever you're reading! The weather is beautiful here, although it's going to be hot! I won't be spending too much time outside today.

Love,
Tonya

Why I Waited & A Belly Shot

I never thought I would wait so long on my blog to announce my pregnancy with Dumplin'. I was going to share the news after my first trimester. However, I found myself in no hurry to tell anyone we were expecting. And if I'm completely honest, I would love to not tell anyone...hide away in my house...have my c-section on August 4th...and then tell everyone about the baby. Weird maybe, but true. However, I do covet your prayers!

We told the girls when I was 7 weeks because I was feeling SO bad. I was grumpy, couldn't make dinner and was spending lots of time on the sofa. I didn't want them to think I was just lazy. I'm surprised Jessica didn't catch on earlier since she's older, but she didn't. They were super excited when we told them and they both promised not to tell anyone. They did a SUPER job keeping our family secret. I was very impressed with Emma Grace because she's younger than Jessica. However, Jessica couldn't wait to tell everyone. I gave her the go-ahead after my first high-risk appointment on February 22nd for the first part of my sequential screen (nuchal fold test). She literally got off the bus that day and asked me how my appointment went and if she could start telling people. The very next day I got a call from a friend of mine who also teaches at her school...she wasted no time.

The news started trickling out in real life. But telling our families was a bit harder. We weren't sure if they would be happy or not. My brother was the first to know and he didn't find out until I was between 14-15 weeks. He and my sister-in-law were both happy which thrilled me. My stepfather was the next to know. His reaction wasn't so positive. It hurt my feelings, but he has since apologized. Gib's brother in Colorado was next, and his parents just found out about two weeks ago, not long after we found out Dumplin' was a boy.

It was hard to tell our family because of the love and level of concern they have for us. I expected negative reactions. Fortunately, there weren't as many as I thought. At least not yet. But, I know they are worried and probably think we're crazy for putting ourselves in this position again. Not only because of Grady's stillbirth but also because of Emma Grace's prematurity. Once we made it past prematurity with Grady, we thought we were golden. We rested somewhat easy, although I still had a nagging feeling of uneasiness (premonition or paranoia?).

There were people in my real life that I wanted to tell first before I announced it on my blog. And, much to my dismay, I actually missed a few people. I'm so sorry if you were one of them! Please know that it wasn't intentional, and I love you!

The newsletter from my support group that I attend was another reason for the delay in my announcement. It is called "Caring and Coping" and is published quarterly. The leader of my support group took some excerpts from my blog and included them in the most recent edition of the newsletter. I tried to be sensitive to those who might be visiting my blog from that resource. I didn't want someone fresh in the throes of grief to come here looking for comfort, only to find someone pregnant again. I am still contemplating putting some sort of disclaimer at the top of my blog addressing that very fact. This blog was started to help me through my journey of grief and it has served that purpose well. But my intent all along was also for this to be a way to document our lives as a family. It has basically turned into a hodge-podge of "Tonya Talk" which is okay with me!

Soooo, that's why I waited to share the news with all of you. And then when I started thinking about it, I realized that I never even told you, until this post, that we had decided to try again. I tried to ease you into it, but some of you had already figured it out! You stinkers! :)

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I'm not big on having my picture taken during pregnancy. I am not a cute, petite pregnant woman with just a round belly. I'm a big one! I only have pictures from showers of when I was pregnant with Jessica and none of my pregnancy with Emma Grace. (But that one did end at 25 weeks!) I had professional pictures taken when I was pregnant with Grady by my wonderful high school friend April. But I've already had Gib take some of me this time, and I've attempted a couple myself. I have learned through losing Grady to treasure this time with Dumplin', and I want this pregnancy documented in pictures from this point forward.So here's the first of (hopefully) many belly shots to come. I was 20 weeks, 3 days in this picture. (And don't forget that I measured 28 weeks the day before. Oh, and Dr. Joe's exact words to me were, "You're measuring like you have twins with one baby." TH, I thought of you!)




And this last one...picture it horizontal as that's how it was taken. (it flipped this way when it loaded on Blogger). I was showing that I already can't see my toes...



Off to get dressed and have lunch with my wonderful friend, April, that I mentioned above. It has been WAY too long since we've seen each other. I'm so excited to spend some time with her today! Have a great one!

Love,
Tonya

Dumplin'

Finally, some long-awaited details on Dumplin'! Along with a picture and why I didn't announce our news sooner...

Once we made the decision to try again on September 13, 2009, I had to have some blood work done. I drug my feet because I knew we shouldn't try until November. Dr. Joe had told us to wait a year from my c-section. I got the blood work done in early October during my girls' Fall Break. Dr. Joe tested me for all sorts of things, including clotting disorders. All of my labs were normal so we got the green light to start trying.

I prayed that I would get pregnant quickly. I know myself very well, and if it had taken me a long time to conceive, I would have constantly second-guessed our decision...even though I felt that it came straight from the Lord. On the second month of trying, I had a positive pregnancy test.

I was honestly shocked.

I found out I was pregnant with Dumplin' on Sunday, December 20th. This was just two days before I came down with the monster H1N1 flu that knocked me off my feet right through Christmas. I didn't go to the doctor because I couldn't take Tamiflu. I took the bare minimum OTC meds (approved by my doc) just to help me feel like I might live. My fever was high, and I was scared silly that this baby wouldn't make it through such fever and sickness. Gib was worried, too. There was lots of prayin' going on while I was on that sick bed!

I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks on January 6th and was completely overwhelmed emotionally. I was going to have my HCG levels checked, and they told me that if they weren't busy they would sneak a peek at the baby. However, when I walked into the office, they were so busy that I sat on the floor because there were no seats. I resided myself to the fact there would be no ultrasound that day. Fun thing was that I saw a blogger that I met at the Atlanta MckMama gathering, so we had a little time to chat...you know who you are! :)

After Nanci (Dr. Joe's nurse) drew my blood, I was walking out the door and she went the opposite direction toward the ultrasound room. UH-OH. I wasn't prepared to go in there again. It was the same room where I learned Grady no longer had a heartbeat. I hadn't been back in that room since that horrible, life-changing day. Nanci hugged me and talked me through my anxiety...

As I sat and waited, I cried. And cried. And cried. And I so badly wished I wasn't there alone. I relived every moment of that November 12th morning. I was so scared I would get more bad news that there was no heartbeat with this one, too.

When Dr. Joe did the ultrasound, it was VERY hard for me to see a heartbeat. With Grady, I saw a tiny circle with a heartbeat. This one literally looked like a line or pole. I strained hard to see the heartbeat. Dr. Joe insisted things looked good and I trusted him. After all, this is his area of expertise. But I wasn't 100% sure.

I have had an ultrasound every two weeks since. Dr. Joe always checks my cervix with vaginal ultrasound because of my history of prematurity, and yesterday was the first time he didn't peek at the baby. I was fine with that because he didn't look at Grady every time either. I'm feeling much more consistent movement which is unbelievably reassuring. I was actually convinced for a few days that this baby had died...

I felt Dumplin' move for the first time on Monday, March 15th. This is super early to feel movement as I was only 15 weeks and 5 days. It was BIG movement, too. I was lying in bed that morning and felt the baby on the outside of my abdomen. It was such a bittersweet moment. I was overjoyed to actually feel this new life inside of me. But the last time I felt movement was with Grady...

I was very teary when I went to wake the girls for school. Jessica was still asleep when I told her I felt Dumplin' move for the first time, so she didn't say anything. But little Emma Grace, in her sleepy slumber, said "Mommy, that means he's not dead".

More tears..."Yes, baby, you're right".

I felt tiny flutters when I was still and had an appointment two days later. Everything was fine. However, after my appointment and for the next 3-4 days, I felt absolutely NOTHING. I tried to trust and not be scared. But I was. I didn't call Dr. Joe. I waited it out. I was convinced this baby had died too. I think it was on the following Saturday that I felt another tiny flutter. This put my mind a bit more at ease but not completely.

Things are going well. I'm just HUGE! I am a little over 20 weeks along and yesterday I measured 28cm! For those of you who might not know, you should measure the same number of cm as you are weeks (20weeks=20cm). A little variation is normal, but 8 weeks is a lot to be off. This same thing happened with Grady, although with him I measured 26cm at 20 weeks. I'm a bit bigger this time. I didn't measure this way with the girls, so I'm a bit puzzled as to why I'm this way with my boys. Dr. Joe will watch me closely. With Grady my fluid levels were always normal and his growth was on track. He was a little bigger than average but not too terribly much. I expect the same for this one, too.

Finally, here's a picture of our little Dumplin'. He's waving to all of you!



This was actually taken at 12 weeks and 5 days at my first high-risk appointment. I have some recent pics but they aren't nearly as good or clear as this one.

This post is already much longer than I intended. I'll post about why I waited to share another time.

Thanks for your kind words, cards, phone calls, emails, and most of all your prayers. This is an exciting time, but not an easy time. And it's not blissful excitement. It's guarded excitement. This is not a replacement baby for our Grady. He will always be our third child. And while we are able to find joy in our lives, the love we have for him and the hole he has left in our hearts will forever be with us all.

Love,
Tonya