It seems that I've had a lot of these lately.
Full circle moments that, at one point in my life, I never thought would happen.
This experience triggered my thinking on this. And after standing in the room where Grady and I spent our time together, holding Matthew in my arms, I started paying attention and thinking back.
Just last Wednesday, September 15th, I drove down to have lunch with Dr. Joe's crew. I didn't expect him to be there because I was told he had a meeting. But the whole point of the lunch was to celebrate mine and his birthday. I was a bit disappointed, but I love his office crew and was excited to see them and spend time with them. Not long after I arrived, Dr. Joe walked in, and I was shocked. He left his meeting early to come have lunch with us. :)
My full circle moment came when he was holding Matthew. He literally held him from the time he finished his salad to the time he left. He ate the rest of his lunch with Matthew in his arms, which was nice for me, but I felt bad for him. But the thing is, that's the way he wanted it. I made it perfectly clear that I would take Matthew back, but every time I asked, he refused my offer to take him.
I think it was a full circle moment for him, too.
If you're new to my blog, then you may not know that the night after Grady was born, Dr. Joe sat on my bed and held Grady for an hour, telling me how beautiful he was and how we shouldn't have lost him. I remember as clear as day Dr. Joe telling me that he hoped I wouldn't close the door on the possibility of having another baby. I never thought it would happen...that we would have another living child.
It was truly heart warming and soul pleasing to see Dr. Joe with Matthew, full circle from our last experience. When Grady died, he said, "your baby is my baby, too". That's exactly the way he feels about Matthew, and I'm so very grateful! I didn't have my camera with me, but I wish so badly that I could have captured the moment. Dr. Joe didn't talk much during lunch, but rather held Matthew's feet (because he said they were cold) and stared down at him. Absolutely precious!
Even my six week postpartum was a full circle moment. When I went after Grady, I prayed the waiting room wouldn't be full of babies. It was hard to be around pregnant women, but I definitely couldn't "do babies" then. Praise the Lord, there were no babies, and I didn't have to wait long with the pregnant women. Oh how I dreaded that appointment.
But this time, I was there holding Matthew. So grateful. Not taking for granted who I had in my arms and what he represented. To everyone else, I was just there for an appointment. But to me, this was an accomplishment. I felt like I had won a prize. I had survived one of the longest emotional roller coasters of my life. I had a living baby in my arms. And I got to have my picture taken. This may seem very silly to you, but let me explain...
In each of Dr. Joe's rooms and in the hallway, he has pictures of his patients and the babies they've delivered. He takes these pictures at their six week appointment. When I was pregnant with Grady, I would think about having my picture somewhere with the others. But that didn't happen. When I was pregnant with Matthew, I could only hope that mine and his picture would join the others. It all became a reality that day. I haven't seen the picture Dr. Joe took that day, but I'm thankful there was a picture to take!
As I was rocking Matthew the other night, I had another full circle moment. I used to sit in that rocker and cry. And cry. And cry. I would journal to Grady and pray to God to take the pain away...or at least help me learn to live with it. He was faithful in that, but I don't take lightly the fact that I'm now back in that rocker with a living baby. I still wish, so badly, that Grady could have stayed, and I could have rocked him. But it wasn't God's plan. I thank God for the healing that Matthew is bringing to my heart. But I'm also thankful that this healing and joy for Matthew don't erase my love and feelings for Grady. He will always be a part of me.
We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner last night. When Gib came home and announced that's what he wanted for dinner, I didn't dare tell him I had gone there for lunch, too! We went early because everyone was hungry (except for me!), and we wanted to beat the Friday night crowd. We literally saw eight families that we know (One of them was the family who has the little boy who is one week younger than Grady would be. It is still so hard to see that precious boy and what he represents to me. And he's so big! It's hard to imagine Grady being that big.). Everyone had to see and ask about Matthew. At lunch earlier in the day, I saw two people who also asked about and congratulated us on Matthew.
How is this a full circle moment?
Because after Grady died, I had nothing to show for my pregnancy and my baby who had been very much alive. My arms were empty. I would have tried to escape without much conversation and/or people would have tried to escape and avoid me. If there was conversation at all, it was very superficial and cordial at best. No one knew what to say. No one knew what to do with me. And I understand that. Shoot, I really didn't know what to do with myself!
But it was very different last night. And it felt good. It made my heart happy but also sad that I didn't get the opportunity to show off Grady the same way.
I know there will be more full circle moments ahead. And for me, that's what they are.
A circle.
Moments that don't end, but keep going.
Moments filled with never ending love for both of my boys.
Memories of Grady and the hopes and dreams I had for him that will never go away.
Happy times to share with my precious, living Matthew.
All of these intertwined on a daily basis in my heart and in the moments we call life.
Love,
Tonya
Showing posts with label Pregnancy after loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy after loss. Show all posts
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
A Time to Remember
Anyone who has the crazy, messed up, misconstrued idea that the baby who is born after a baby dies is a "replacement baby" really is just that. CRAZY!
I had a bereavement committee meeting yesterday at the hospital. I realized shortly after getting there that I would have to walk right past thecloset room I was in with Grady to get there. (The room was extremely small!)
SIGH.
My plan was to keep my head high and walk right by. It didn't quite play out that way...
I was in a corner room. When I turned the corner I couldn't help but look to my left.
And there it was.
Door open. Lights dim. Bed ready and waiting for a patient.
I was drawn in by a power that is not my own. I walked in the door and just stood there. Taking it all in. Like I had just been there. Tears filling my eyes. Heart as heavy as if there were a ton of bricks resting on it.
The bed where, on my chest, I cuddled my baby who was gone all too soon.
The wall space where his bassinet stayed. The place he was when not in my arms.
But the place my eyes were drawn to the most was the far side of the bed. The place where Gib and I last kissed Grady's sweet cheek. The place where I swaddled him and placed him in the basket the funeral home brought for him. The place where Gib and I collapsed into each others arms after he was gone.
The irony of this moment is that I was standing there with Matthew snuggled and sleeping on my chest in my baby wrap.
I don't think I can accurately put into words what I felt and am still feeling today. One baby here. One baby gone. One heart beating. One heart not. Both equally special. Both forever living in my heart. But clearly two different, separate, special, precious people.
Standing there, again knowing that if Grady had lived, Matthew wouldn't be here. No words...
Even though I had to physically say goodbye to Grady, I will never really say goodbye. I know that we will be together again in heaven one day and for that, I am so very grateful. Thank you, Jesus! But Grady is alive in my heart and mind every single day that I live on this earth. Even now that Matthew is here. One baby doesn't replace the other.
Aimee, my friend and leader of the support group that I attended for so long, sent me this song. If you have a moment and want to, listen to it. Make sure to scroll down and mute my music first! I have a feeling all of you baby loss mommy's will be able to relate. It's perfect.
And as painful as it is to let myself go into these deep places of emotion and grief again, it's often where I feel the closest to Grady.
I couldn't linger long in that room because I had to get to my meeting. I had to quickly compose myself, and outwardly, I did a pretty good job.
As Matthew and I were leaving, he was awake. We paused at the door, and I told him that was where his big brother once was. But not to worry. Because one day he would get to meet him, too.
Love,
Tonya
I had a bereavement committee meeting yesterday at the hospital. I realized shortly after getting there that I would have to walk right past the
SIGH.
My plan was to keep my head high and walk right by. It didn't quite play out that way...
I was in a corner room. When I turned the corner I couldn't help but look to my left.
And there it was.
Door open. Lights dim. Bed ready and waiting for a patient.
I was drawn in by a power that is not my own. I walked in the door and just stood there. Taking it all in. Like I had just been there. Tears filling my eyes. Heart as heavy as if there were a ton of bricks resting on it.
The bed where, on my chest, I cuddled my baby who was gone all too soon.
The wall space where his bassinet stayed. The place he was when not in my arms.
But the place my eyes were drawn to the most was the far side of the bed. The place where Gib and I last kissed Grady's sweet cheek. The place where I swaddled him and placed him in the basket the funeral home brought for him. The place where Gib and I collapsed into each others arms after he was gone.
The irony of this moment is that I was standing there with Matthew snuggled and sleeping on my chest in my baby wrap.
I don't think I can accurately put into words what I felt and am still feeling today. One baby here. One baby gone. One heart beating. One heart not. Both equally special. Both forever living in my heart. But clearly two different, separate, special, precious people.
Standing there, again knowing that if Grady had lived, Matthew wouldn't be here. No words...
Even though I had to physically say goodbye to Grady, I will never really say goodbye. I know that we will be together again in heaven one day and for that, I am so very grateful. Thank you, Jesus! But Grady is alive in my heart and mind every single day that I live on this earth. Even now that Matthew is here. One baby doesn't replace the other.
Aimee, my friend and leader of the support group that I attended for so long, sent me this song. If you have a moment and want to, listen to it. Make sure to scroll down and mute my music first! I have a feeling all of you baby loss mommy's will be able to relate. It's perfect.
And as painful as it is to let myself go into these deep places of emotion and grief again, it's often where I feel the closest to Grady.
I couldn't linger long in that room because I had to get to my meeting. I had to quickly compose myself, and outwardly, I did a pretty good job.
As Matthew and I were leaving, he was awake. We paused at the door, and I told him that was where his big brother once was. But not to worry. Because one day he would get to meet him, too.
Love,
Tonya
Monday, September 13, 2010
Dust and Cobwebs
Kelly posted this on her blog over the weekend.
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow,
So quiet down cobwebs,
Dust, go to sleep,
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
It couldn't have come at a better time for me. My days are spent holding my baby, and my house is suffering miserably for it. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all because it does. But not enough for me to spend hours making sure its perfect. It's certainly a choice I'm making, but a definite contributing factor is that Matthew loves to be held! He's already growing way too fast. The time is slipping by, and I want to savor every minute I can.
Especially since he's our last...
It's still hard for me to think that if Grady had lived, Matthew would not be in my arms right now. Instead, I would have an almost two year toddler running around. You will never know how much my heart longs for both of them to be together, here with me.
But the hard, cold truth is that Gib was going to have a vasectomy after Grady was born. And when Grady died, we both were very adamant that we would have no other children. At the time our hearts and minds couldn't fathom more pain and uncertainty, especially when you factor in Emma Grace's very premature birth and my miscarriage. But for some reason, that appointment never got scheduled for my hubby...
And I'm so very thankful!
God had a greater plan for our lives, and it was on this day one year ago that we decided we would indeed try again for another baby. I remember the conviction I had after our church sermon. The uncertainty I felt as I approached Gib that night to talk about it. The excitement I felt when we both agreed that was the direction we felt God leading us in. The fear that then quickly appeared, knowing full well that things might not turn out the way we hoped again. The anxiety of whether I would have a medical condition that would prevent us from conceiving or if I would be able to even get pregnant again. We had never had a problem before, but I've learned that life is unpredictable, and we are not immune to anything.
Here we are today, our biological family complete. Four children. Three on earth and one in heaven. Not exactly the way I imagined or planned, but I'm so thankful for it all...
Especially the dust and cobwebs!
Love,
Tonya
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow,
So quiet down cobwebs,
Dust, go to sleep,
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
It couldn't have come at a better time for me. My days are spent holding my baby, and my house is suffering miserably for it. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all because it does. But not enough for me to spend hours making sure its perfect. It's certainly a choice I'm making, but a definite contributing factor is that Matthew loves to be held! He's already growing way too fast. The time is slipping by, and I want to savor every minute I can.
Especially since he's our last...
It's still hard for me to think that if Grady had lived, Matthew would not be in my arms right now. Instead, I would have an almost two year toddler running around. You will never know how much my heart longs for both of them to be together, here with me.
But the hard, cold truth is that Gib was going to have a vasectomy after Grady was born. And when Grady died, we both were very adamant that we would have no other children. At the time our hearts and minds couldn't fathom more pain and uncertainty, especially when you factor in Emma Grace's very premature birth and my miscarriage. But for some reason, that appointment never got scheduled for my hubby...
And I'm so very thankful!
God had a greater plan for our lives, and it was on this day one year ago that we decided we would indeed try again for another baby. I remember the conviction I had after our church sermon. The uncertainty I felt as I approached Gib that night to talk about it. The excitement I felt when we both agreed that was the direction we felt God leading us in. The fear that then quickly appeared, knowing full well that things might not turn out the way we hoped again. The anxiety of whether I would have a medical condition that would prevent us from conceiving or if I would be able to even get pregnant again. We had never had a problem before, but I've learned that life is unpredictable, and we are not immune to anything.
Here we are today, our biological family complete. Four children. Three on earth and one in heaven. Not exactly the way I imagined or planned, but I'm so thankful for it all...
Especially the dust and cobwebs!
Love,
Tonya
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Due Sadness
Here's another one-handed post. Probably won't be very long...
Today was my due date with Matthew.
And I'm a bit sad.
I went for my six week check-up yesterday.
And I was a bit sad.
You probably think I'm weird, and that's okay. My emotions belong to me, and they're very hard to explain. I'm choosing to share them with you the best I know how.
I'm SOOOOOO thankful for this sweet baby in my arms right now. In so many ways this is just the beginning. The beginning of his life and our lives as a family with him a part of it. PRAISE THE LORD! It's hard to imagine that I might have just recently given birth or would soon be having him if I were a "normal" pregnant woman. I guess that's because he has already been with us for so long. I wonder how big he would have been...
While this new beginning is wonderful and I'm so thankful for it, in some ways it's the end. And I'm sad about it.
This is where it gets tricky to explain.
For me, it's the end of Matthew's pregnancy, officially that is. No more dates to anticipate related to his birth. It's the end of regular visits to Dr. Joe's office. Sure, I'll go once a year, and I'm sure I'll have lunch dates here and there. But it's not the same as seeing them every two weeks or three times in one week. Maybe I have attachment issues, but I was really sad yesterday when I was leaving. (No I didn't cry if you're wondering) Dr. Joe said they weren't going anywhere and their door was always open. Very sweet, but not the same.
I think I'm just plain sad that my childbearing days are officially over. And now, mentally, they're over, too. Because in my mind I would tell myself that I could have technically still been pregnant with Matthew. And I can't say that after today.
I'm not really sure why I've shared this tonight except that it helps me to write things out. And I wanted to document this as Matthew's due date.
So long for now. Much to do before bed.
Love,
Tonya
Today was my due date with Matthew.
And I'm a bit sad.
I went for my six week check-up yesterday.
And I was a bit sad.
You probably think I'm weird, and that's okay. My emotions belong to me, and they're very hard to explain. I'm choosing to share them with you the best I know how.
I'm SOOOOOO thankful for this sweet baby in my arms right now. In so many ways this is just the beginning. The beginning of his life and our lives as a family with him a part of it. PRAISE THE LORD! It's hard to imagine that I might have just recently given birth or would soon be having him if I were a "normal" pregnant woman. I guess that's because he has already been with us for so long. I wonder how big he would have been...
While this new beginning is wonderful and I'm so thankful for it, in some ways it's the end. And I'm sad about it.
This is where it gets tricky to explain.
For me, it's the end of Matthew's pregnancy, officially that is. No more dates to anticipate related to his birth. It's the end of regular visits to Dr. Joe's office. Sure, I'll go once a year, and I'm sure I'll have lunch dates here and there. But it's not the same as seeing them every two weeks or three times in one week. Maybe I have attachment issues, but I was really sad yesterday when I was leaving. (No I didn't cry if you're wondering) Dr. Joe said they weren't going anywhere and their door was always open. Very sweet, but not the same.
I think I'm just plain sad that my childbearing days are officially over. And now, mentally, they're over, too. Because in my mind I would tell myself that I could have technically still been pregnant with Matthew. And I can't say that after today.
I'm not really sure why I've shared this tonight except that it helps me to write things out. And I wanted to document this as Matthew's due date.
So long for now. Much to do before bed.
Love,
Tonya
Friday, August 13, 2010
Glad. Sad. Mad.
I'm not sure this post is going to come together like I want it to, especially in the amount of time I have to write it. But, here goes...
(For the record, I started it this morning and have just finished it at 2:25pm)
These are feelings that I've experienced since I was admitted to the high risk unit on July 13th. When I was on bed rest in the hospital, I eluded to a post of this title and truly thought I would write it while there. That was before I knew how absolutely terrible the internet connection was.
Fast forward...
I thought I would only be feeling the "glad" part now that Matthew is here and alive and healthy.
Nope.
Not that easy for me.
I'm a very sensitive person anyway. Add to that postpartum hormonal changes and lack of sleep and well, this is what you get.
While in the hospital, before Matthew was born, I was sad... Sad to be away from Gib and the girls. I was hoping to be in the hospital a long time and didn't like the thought of being away for so long. Little did I know that I would only be there a week.
I was also mad. Mad at my body. Mad at my uterus that it couldn't and wouldn't behave. I was mad at myself for not getting more done earlier on to prepare for Matthew. Truth is I was scared. I had bonded with him and loved him, but as far as physically preparing a place for him in our home, I was going to wait as long as possible to see if he lived or not. (may sound grim but don't forget that was our reality once before)
But in spite of feeling sad and mad, I was also glad. Glad to have a doctor who was super conservative and not willing to take any chances with me. Glad to be in the hospital just in case something did happen. Glad, at the time, to have the option of medications that could quiet my irritable uterus (that is until even the strongest of medications didn't touch those pesky contractions!). Glad to have the support of my hubby, girls and many family and friends.
Then Matthew was born...
I was so glad he was here, "alive, pink and breathing", as Dr. L from the NICU said.
But at the same time, I was sad he had to be in the NICU, even though I knew that NICU was better than death. I was sad to be away from him. But if he had to be in the NICU, I was so glad he was there. It was almost like a reunion with so many of the nurses who took care of Emma Grace, and it was like being with family when those I've kept in touch with were around. I knew that Matthew was being taken care of exceptionally well. Not just because of my connections, but because they are a great bunch of docs and nurses who genuinely care for all of the babies who reside there.
I was mad, too. Mad that nothing can be easy. Mad that my body failed me, yet again. Mad that nothing seems to work out as we plan. It's not about us or our plans, I know that! At times, though, it seems that when I look around, the plans that others make come to fruition without even a small glitch. I know...get over it.
I'm trying.
Fast forward again to today.
God love me. I'm still feeling glad, mad and sad.
SIGH.
Why?
Well, I'm glad you asked.
I am SO, SO, SO very glad to have Matthew. And Jessica. And Emma Grace. And Gib. And Grady in heaven. And a God who loves me unconditionally and has plans for me that are better than I could ever imagine or plan myself.
But I'm sad that I'm done having children. As crazy as it sounds, even after everything we've been through, I would entertain the idea of having another baby. Gib, on the other hand, who must have a say in it all, does not share my feelings on this matter. Thus, the end of babies for our family. Not to mention the fact that Dr. Joe would most certainly fire me as his patient if I got pregnant again. Which I'm not going to do...I'm just saying...and I wouldn't want anyone else as my doctor.
But here's where the mad part comes in. It's not just that we're done having babies. It's the fact that that decision has pretty much been made for me. Physically, my uterus cannot carry another pregnancy and hold another baby. It's just not possible. Especially since they keep getting bigger with each one!
Now please don't misunderstand me. It may sound like I'm ungrateful which couldn't be further from the truth. I am incredibly thankful that I was even able to get pregnant. I can think of at least a handful of people off the top of my head who have a hard time even conceiving. And my heart breaks for them. I was able to be pregnant five times which is a blessing (just for the record I had a very early miscarriage in 2005 which might have been a blighted ovum).
But as I was talking to my friend Jenny the other day, we agreed that when a decision is made for you, it's much harder to swallow. Even though we were "done" after Matthew, pregnancy isn't even an option for me again. And that's where the mad part comes in, I guess.
I feel like I've rambled my way through this post. I hope you were able to follow at least a little and make some sense of it. As I'm typing, I'm thinking this could be alternately titled, "Grief of a different kind". Because that's exactly what I'm doing...grieving what didn't happen and what can't happen in the future.
It's all good though. Just working through this emotional junk. Not getting too bogged down in it but knowing it's there and lies dormant under the surface. Praising the Lord for what I have and knowing I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world. Even the heartache and pain of losing Grady and missing him every day. Grady, who by the way, would have turned 21 months old yesterday. Hard to believe!
And before I go, please add my friend Tessa to your prayer list. She is 27 weeks pregnant with twin boys and is now on strict bedrest at home. And my friend Jenny, who I mentioned in an earlier post, is also home on bedrest and doing well. Thanks for lifting them up!
Love,
Tonya
(For the record, I started it this morning and have just finished it at 2:25pm)
These are feelings that I've experienced since I was admitted to the high risk unit on July 13th. When I was on bed rest in the hospital, I eluded to a post of this title and truly thought I would write it while there. That was before I knew how absolutely terrible the internet connection was.
Fast forward...
I thought I would only be feeling the "glad" part now that Matthew is here and alive and healthy.
Nope.
Not that easy for me.
I'm a very sensitive person anyway. Add to that postpartum hormonal changes and lack of sleep and well, this is what you get.
While in the hospital, before Matthew was born, I was sad... Sad to be away from Gib and the girls. I was hoping to be in the hospital a long time and didn't like the thought of being away for so long. Little did I know that I would only be there a week.
I was also mad. Mad at my body. Mad at my uterus that it couldn't and wouldn't behave. I was mad at myself for not getting more done earlier on to prepare for Matthew. Truth is I was scared. I had bonded with him and loved him, but as far as physically preparing a place for him in our home, I was going to wait as long as possible to see if he lived or not. (may sound grim but don't forget that was our reality once before)
But in spite of feeling sad and mad, I was also glad. Glad to have a doctor who was super conservative and not willing to take any chances with me. Glad to be in the hospital just in case something did happen. Glad, at the time, to have the option of medications that could quiet my irritable uterus (that is until even the strongest of medications didn't touch those pesky contractions!). Glad to have the support of my hubby, girls and many family and friends.
Then Matthew was born...
I was so glad he was here, "alive, pink and breathing", as Dr. L from the NICU said.
But at the same time, I was sad he had to be in the NICU, even though I knew that NICU was better than death. I was sad to be away from him. But if he had to be in the NICU, I was so glad he was there. It was almost like a reunion with so many of the nurses who took care of Emma Grace, and it was like being with family when those I've kept in touch with were around. I knew that Matthew was being taken care of exceptionally well. Not just because of my connections, but because they are a great bunch of docs and nurses who genuinely care for all of the babies who reside there.
I was mad, too. Mad that nothing can be easy. Mad that my body failed me, yet again. Mad that nothing seems to work out as we plan. It's not about us or our plans, I know that! At times, though, it seems that when I look around, the plans that others make come to fruition without even a small glitch. I know...get over it.
I'm trying.
Fast forward again to today.
God love me. I'm still feeling glad, mad and sad.
SIGH.
Why?
Well, I'm glad you asked.
I am SO, SO, SO very glad to have Matthew. And Jessica. And Emma Grace. And Gib. And Grady in heaven. And a God who loves me unconditionally and has plans for me that are better than I could ever imagine or plan myself.
But I'm sad that I'm done having children. As crazy as it sounds, even after everything we've been through, I would entertain the idea of having another baby. Gib, on the other hand, who must have a say in it all, does not share my feelings on this matter. Thus, the end of babies for our family. Not to mention the fact that Dr. Joe would most certainly fire me as his patient if I got pregnant again. Which I'm not going to do...I'm just saying...and I wouldn't want anyone else as my doctor.
But here's where the mad part comes in. It's not just that we're done having babies. It's the fact that that decision has pretty much been made for me. Physically, my uterus cannot carry another pregnancy and hold another baby. It's just not possible. Especially since they keep getting bigger with each one!
Now please don't misunderstand me. It may sound like I'm ungrateful which couldn't be further from the truth. I am incredibly thankful that I was even able to get pregnant. I can think of at least a handful of people off the top of my head who have a hard time even conceiving. And my heart breaks for them. I was able to be pregnant five times which is a blessing (just for the record I had a very early miscarriage in 2005 which might have been a blighted ovum).
But as I was talking to my friend Jenny the other day, we agreed that when a decision is made for you, it's much harder to swallow. Even though we were "done" after Matthew, pregnancy isn't even an option for me again. And that's where the mad part comes in, I guess.
I feel like I've rambled my way through this post. I hope you were able to follow at least a little and make some sense of it. As I'm typing, I'm thinking this could be alternately titled, "Grief of a different kind". Because that's exactly what I'm doing...grieving what didn't happen and what can't happen in the future.
It's all good though. Just working through this emotional junk. Not getting too bogged down in it but knowing it's there and lies dormant under the surface. Praising the Lord for what I have and knowing I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world. Even the heartache and pain of losing Grady and missing him every day. Grady, who by the way, would have turned 21 months old yesterday. Hard to believe!
And before I go, please add my friend Tessa to your prayer list. She is 27 weeks pregnant with twin boys and is now on strict bedrest at home. And my friend Jenny, who I mentioned in an earlier post, is also home on bedrest and doing well. Thanks for lifting them up!
Love,
Tonya
Friday, July 30, 2010
Very. Very. Quickly...
I really have no business even being on the computer this morning.
MATTHEW IS COMING HOME THIS AFTERNOON!
YIKES!
As long as he doesn't drop his heart rate below 80 between now and the time we go get him, he's home bound. We feel extremely blessed and thankful that he has done so well. This has all happened MUCH sooner than we thought but we aren't complaining one bit. Things are not exactly the way I would like them here, but who cares? He won't!
My days at the hospital have been long, and I've been trying to just keep up with routine things and pumping milk every 2-3 hours. That doesn't leave much time for extras. I could have come home right after the hospital yesterday, but we did go see Toy Story 3 and enjoyed it very much! Gib had the idea to go out for one more family dinner, just the four of us. We went to Chili's and had a nice time. It was great to think that the next time we eat out, there will be a car seat sitting at the end of the table...
I lied in my last post. I had every good intention to make it into the baby's room, but it was 11:15pm and Gib talked me into pumping and going to bed. I really was exhausted and that really was the best decision. But I had no choice last night.
It only took me about an hour to pack Grady's things. I sorted cards and momentos from showers, when he died and his first birthday. I did pretty good and just talked to him and prayed while I did it. But when I made it to the crib the tears started to really flow. I packed away his locks of hair, the white gown he wore for his pictures, the blue gown he wore for the time he was with us, and his hospital band that he wore on his ankle. It was hard. Hard. Hard. Hard.
But I'm glad I waited.
Because as I packed Grady's things away, my heart was filled with love for him and sadness over not having him here. But at the same time, my heart was also filled with such hope and love for Matthew. I was truly able to prepare that space for Matthew. I don't understand why Grady couldn't stay here on earth, but I do know that if Grady were here, Matthew wouldn't be. We were done having children after Grady. I don't think there are words to describe how that feels...
Well, I didn't mean to get into all of that today.
The girls have open house today as school starts on Monday for them. We are looking forward to spending some time with Matthew this weekend, loving on him and getting to know him better. Emma Grace still has not held him...I'm wondering how long it will be after we get home that she will be brave enough. I can't wait to see her with him!
Have a great day! It's a super busy one for us!!!
Love,
Tonya
MATTHEW IS COMING HOME THIS AFTERNOON!
YIKES!
As long as he doesn't drop his heart rate below 80 between now and the time we go get him, he's home bound. We feel extremely blessed and thankful that he has done so well. This has all happened MUCH sooner than we thought but we aren't complaining one bit. Things are not exactly the way I would like them here, but who cares? He won't!
My days at the hospital have been long, and I've been trying to just keep up with routine things and pumping milk every 2-3 hours. That doesn't leave much time for extras. I could have come home right after the hospital yesterday, but we did go see Toy Story 3 and enjoyed it very much! Gib had the idea to go out for one more family dinner, just the four of us. We went to Chili's and had a nice time. It was great to think that the next time we eat out, there will be a car seat sitting at the end of the table...
I lied in my last post. I had every good intention to make it into the baby's room, but it was 11:15pm and Gib talked me into pumping and going to bed. I really was exhausted and that really was the best decision. But I had no choice last night.
It only took me about an hour to pack Grady's things. I sorted cards and momentos from showers, when he died and his first birthday. I did pretty good and just talked to him and prayed while I did it. But when I made it to the crib the tears started to really flow. I packed away his locks of hair, the white gown he wore for his pictures, the blue gown he wore for the time he was with us, and his hospital band that he wore on his ankle. It was hard. Hard. Hard. Hard.
But I'm glad I waited.
Because as I packed Grady's things away, my heart was filled with love for him and sadness over not having him here. But at the same time, my heart was also filled with such hope and love for Matthew. I was truly able to prepare that space for Matthew. I don't understand why Grady couldn't stay here on earth, but I do know that if Grady were here, Matthew wouldn't be. We were done having children after Grady. I don't think there are words to describe how that feels...
Well, I didn't mean to get into all of that today.
The girls have open house today as school starts on Monday for them. We are looking forward to spending some time with Matthew this weekend, loving on him and getting to know him better. Emma Grace still has not held him...I'm wondering how long it will be after we get home that she will be brave enough. I can't wait to see her with him!
Have a great day! It's a super busy one for us!!!
Love,
Tonya
Monday, July 19, 2010
Long-awaited Update
Wow! What a whirlwind the last few days have been!
Internet connection has been horrible here in the hospital. This is the first time I've been able to get on since Friday night after Matthew was born. I'm excited to be able to give you an update as I can tell by my visitor counter that you've all been curious. :)
Off and on last week after I was admitted, I continued to have breakthrough contractions despite the Procardia I was taking every 4 hours. The couple of times it happened, subq Terb quieted my uterus. Mid-morning Friday I started having more contractions that just felt like braxton-hicks. It was almost time for my Procardia, so my nurse waited to see if it would work. Around 1pm, I had a contraction accompanied by some pressure. It concerned me, but I thought I would wait and see if it happened again. A few minutes later, as I had more contractions, I had a bit of pain in my lower middle abdomen. The pain was not as bad as it was the previous Saturday that had us all concerned, but it was pain nonetheless. I told my nurse, who promptly called Dr. Joe.
I'm so glad I had the foresight NOT to eat the lunch on my tray or the ice cream Lori brought me...
Dr. Joe showed up in his street clothes and lab coat. (This is an important detail for later) He didn't even look at my strip...instead he just looked at me and said "It's time to get you down to L&D and start you on some Mag". I was not excited but knew it was the right thing to do. My nurse and I packed up my things and headed down.
I had a special friend with me from my bereavement committee who stayed with me and loved on me through the whole thing, even through delivery. She requested some Zofran from Dr. Joe so I wouldn't throw up while getting the medicine (I'm a terrible puker!), and before we started the Mag she let me jump in the shower to VERY QUICKLY get clean. I will be forever grateful for that act of kindness! THANKS K!
They started my bolus of Mag at 3pm. My contractions remained untouched. They started my maintenance dose and by 3:30 called Dr. Joe. I was banging out contractions every 3 minutes or so. They were becoming very painful for me, but not in the traditional sense of labor. By the time they wheeled me out for my c-section, I was holding abdomen with each one because it seriously felt like I was going to rip apart.
Dr. Joe came after being paged, and the first thing I noticed was that he was now wearing his scrubs with his lab coat. I said, "Ohhhh Dr. Joe, you changed your clothes". I knew he was planning to deliver at that point. Why else would he change into scrubs at 3:45 on a Friday afternoon???
He looked at my strip of contractions and said, "It's time to deliver this baby". My heart sank, but if I'm honest, I felt a bit of relief, too. So started the phone calls, texts and chaos. Gib was at home, 45 minutes away, and had to get the girls next door and ended up getting stuck in traffic. But he DID make it on time! I called my friend, Suzanne, to come back to the hospital as she had just recently left her shift at the hospital. I have to include this, though. She had called me earlier in the afternoon and told me she was showered and ready for a birthday party. I told her to HUSH...we were NOT having a birthday party that day. Boy, was I wrong! Dr. Joe's nurse, Nanci, came back to assist him with the c-section, my friend Lori was already working in NICU that day and it seemed all was set. We had to wait on the anesthesiologist to finish a case, so I didn't get wheeled into the OR until around 5:45pm.
It was very emotional in that OR. There were tears of joy this time, though, instead of tears of sorrow. The same OR tech was there who worked Grady's delivery. She remembered me and couldn't believe I was back. I was thankful she was there because apparently she cried as hard as everyone else when Grady was stillborn. Before he started the surgery, I asked Dr. Joe if he could still operate through my sobs. I knew when I heard Matthew cry I was going to lose it. Well, friends, I was crying long before I heard him. But his cry was such a beautiful sound to my ears...and my heart.
When they told me he weighed 6 lbs, 2 oz, I couldn't believe it. Just that morning, I'd had a BPP where Matthew scored 8/8 and she estimated him to weigh 5 lbs, 2 oz. I thought this strange since two weeks ago he'd been estimated at 5 lbs, 3 oz. But I attributed it to a different tech, u/s, etc. I'm glad he started at such a good size, though, as it will definitely work in his favor.
Dr. Joe had held him up over the drape for me, but Suzanne brought him to see me. I soaked up his soft skin and chubby cheeks for the few seconds I had with him. He started to look dusky so Suzanne handed him over to the NICU team and off he went.
They wheeled me to recovery.
To the same spot where I was with Grady. (I didn't ask if I was in the same OR, but it looked strangely familiar...)
I started crying and they insisted they wanted to move me. I wouldn't let them. In a way it made me feel like Grady was a part of his brother's delivery. It was confirmation and reassurance that he is always present in everything we do...including welcoming his baby brother into this world. That was the spot where I first saw and held Grady. Matthew had already gone to the NICU, but I was able to reflect on both experiences.
Both are equally special in my heart.
They wheeled me to NICU on my way to my room Friday night. I got to put my hand on Matthew and get a good look at him. I've seen him for three days now, and it's hard for me to believe he's here. It's hard to believe that he's ours. And it's hard to believe that he's alive.
He is doing really well. He was on CPAP, but they have switched him to a high-flow nasal cannula. They started feeding him through a tube yesterday, but I've only been able to produce a little colostrum. My milk hasn't come in yet, though today it's starting. I've been very frustrated with this because it came in very fast after Emma Grace was born. Today, I signed a consent for donor milk for the next two days because his gut needs to be every so slightly stimulated each day. Breast milk significantly reduces the risk of NEC and the donor milk is completely safe and pasteurized. It's only until my milk comes which I hope will be tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest.
He will have a scan of his brain Friday to check for a brain bleed. We continue to pray he does not have one and his scan will be clear. His chest x-ray looked better this morning. He lost weight which actually is a good thing for his lungs. This morning he weighed 5 lbs, 11 oz. Suzanne said she heard a heart murmur, but we would watch it and see if it clears up. His bilirubin level is up but not high enough for phototherapy for jaundice. He is on IV nutrition called Hyperal and is receiving lipids (fats) through his IV also. His blood cultures have all come back negative so his antibiotics have been stopped. He has had some episodes where he has significantly dropped his heart rate; they are concerning but not alarming. It's pretty common for preemies to do that. He's probably refluxing, but that will be closely watched also.
Emma Grace and Jessica met him Saturday morning. Jessica is absolutely and completely in love with him. Emma Grace loves him, too, but is still warming up to him. I think she's realizing her baby status has been taken away. Jessica would have stood at his bedside all day with her hand on his head and the other on his bottom. Lori showed her how to do that to comfort him and she didn't want to stop. Jessica, Emma Grace and Gib went down for his first poopy diaper on Saturday. I was in the middle of dealing with trapped air in my chest and drinking some concoction of milk, ginger ale and sugar. I know it sounds gross, but believe it or not, it worked...and I HATE ginger ale!
I got to hold Matthew for the first time this morning.
It was wonderful!
And wonderfully emotional.
Of course my heart leaped with joy, but I cried when Suzanne first put him in my arms.
I have only held two newborns since Grady. It was very surreal that I was holding MY newborn. And he is alive. The hormones have kicked in and with it the emotions. I am SO happy. So happy to have an alive baby. So proud of Matthew. But in so many ways, Matthew's birth has brought about grief for Grady again. I would be lying if I said my tears were all happy tears. We've all called Matthew Grady the last few days, some of us more than once. As I was filling out the papers for NICU visitation, there were two columns. One for brothers and one for sister. I cried as I left the brothers column blank.
Suzanne worked last night and sat at Matthew's bedside with me until midnight. She let me cry and talk. She validated my feelings and didn't tell me to just "be happy". She said, "When you feel sad, remember the happy things". There are lots of happy things to reflect on amidst the sadness. Happy and sad CAN co-exist. I so appreciated that because I don't feel that any of what I'm experiencing emotionally is abnormal. Those of you who've been there can probably relate all too well.
I am coming home tomorrow. It's very bittersweet for me. I am looking forward to being home with Gib and the girls, but it's going to break my heart to leave Matthew here. This will be the third time I've left this hospital without a baby in my arms. But at least we have a baby to come visit and eventually take home this time. The next few weeks will be a challenge with driving to and from the hospital, especially when Matthew is ready and able to start nursing. I won't be able to be here for all of his feedings. The girls will be sad that they aren't going to be able to visit every day. Gib is going back to work and so the chaos begins. It's all okay though. I'm really not complaining. It will all work out. We just continue to pray for Matthew to grow and get strong so he can come home and be with us. The chaos and confusion are temporary and will be very well worth it!
Thanks for checking on us and mostly for praying for us. Please continue to pray for Matthew. We are so thankful and blessed that he's doing so well so far.
Look for an update of pictures to come soon. I don't know how to get them from the camera onto Gib's computer here. I can't remember what time I started this post, but it's now 8:05pm. I'm off to eat my dinner, pump, go to the NICU to visit baby boy and catch up with an old friend from nursing school who is my nurse tonight. Hopefully, you'll be hearing from me more frequently.
Love and blessings,
Tonya
Internet connection has been horrible here in the hospital. This is the first time I've been able to get on since Friday night after Matthew was born. I'm excited to be able to give you an update as I can tell by my visitor counter that you've all been curious. :)
Off and on last week after I was admitted, I continued to have breakthrough contractions despite the Procardia I was taking every 4 hours. The couple of times it happened, subq Terb quieted my uterus. Mid-morning Friday I started having more contractions that just felt like braxton-hicks. It was almost time for my Procardia, so my nurse waited to see if it would work. Around 1pm, I had a contraction accompanied by some pressure. It concerned me, but I thought I would wait and see if it happened again. A few minutes later, as I had more contractions, I had a bit of pain in my lower middle abdomen. The pain was not as bad as it was the previous Saturday that had us all concerned, but it was pain nonetheless. I told my nurse, who promptly called Dr. Joe.
I'm so glad I had the foresight NOT to eat the lunch on my tray or the ice cream Lori brought me...
Dr. Joe showed up in his street clothes and lab coat. (This is an important detail for later) He didn't even look at my strip...instead he just looked at me and said "It's time to get you down to L&D and start you on some Mag". I was not excited but knew it was the right thing to do. My nurse and I packed up my things and headed down.
I had a special friend with me from my bereavement committee who stayed with me and loved on me through the whole thing, even through delivery. She requested some Zofran from Dr. Joe so I wouldn't throw up while getting the medicine (I'm a terrible puker!), and before we started the Mag she let me jump in the shower to VERY QUICKLY get clean. I will be forever grateful for that act of kindness! THANKS K!
They started my bolus of Mag at 3pm. My contractions remained untouched. They started my maintenance dose and by 3:30 called Dr. Joe. I was banging out contractions every 3 minutes or so. They were becoming very painful for me, but not in the traditional sense of labor. By the time they wheeled me out for my c-section, I was holding abdomen with each one because it seriously felt like I was going to rip apart.
Dr. Joe came after being paged, and the first thing I noticed was that he was now wearing his scrubs with his lab coat. I said, "Ohhhh Dr. Joe, you changed your clothes". I knew he was planning to deliver at that point. Why else would he change into scrubs at 3:45 on a Friday afternoon???
He looked at my strip of contractions and said, "It's time to deliver this baby". My heart sank, but if I'm honest, I felt a bit of relief, too. So started the phone calls, texts and chaos. Gib was at home, 45 minutes away, and had to get the girls next door and ended up getting stuck in traffic. But he DID make it on time! I called my friend, Suzanne, to come back to the hospital as she had just recently left her shift at the hospital. I have to include this, though. She had called me earlier in the afternoon and told me she was showered and ready for a birthday party. I told her to HUSH...we were NOT having a birthday party that day. Boy, was I wrong! Dr. Joe's nurse, Nanci, came back to assist him with the c-section, my friend Lori was already working in NICU that day and it seemed all was set. We had to wait on the anesthesiologist to finish a case, so I didn't get wheeled into the OR until around 5:45pm.
It was very emotional in that OR. There were tears of joy this time, though, instead of tears of sorrow. The same OR tech was there who worked Grady's delivery. She remembered me and couldn't believe I was back. I was thankful she was there because apparently she cried as hard as everyone else when Grady was stillborn. Before he started the surgery, I asked Dr. Joe if he could still operate through my sobs. I knew when I heard Matthew cry I was going to lose it. Well, friends, I was crying long before I heard him. But his cry was such a beautiful sound to my ears...and my heart.
When they told me he weighed 6 lbs, 2 oz, I couldn't believe it. Just that morning, I'd had a BPP where Matthew scored 8/8 and she estimated him to weigh 5 lbs, 2 oz. I thought this strange since two weeks ago he'd been estimated at 5 lbs, 3 oz. But I attributed it to a different tech, u/s, etc. I'm glad he started at such a good size, though, as it will definitely work in his favor.
Dr. Joe had held him up over the drape for me, but Suzanne brought him to see me. I soaked up his soft skin and chubby cheeks for the few seconds I had with him. He started to look dusky so Suzanne handed him over to the NICU team and off he went.
They wheeled me to recovery.
To the same spot where I was with Grady. (I didn't ask if I was in the same OR, but it looked strangely familiar...)
I started crying and they insisted they wanted to move me. I wouldn't let them. In a way it made me feel like Grady was a part of his brother's delivery. It was confirmation and reassurance that he is always present in everything we do...including welcoming his baby brother into this world. That was the spot where I first saw and held Grady. Matthew had already gone to the NICU, but I was able to reflect on both experiences.
Both are equally special in my heart.
They wheeled me to NICU on my way to my room Friday night. I got to put my hand on Matthew and get a good look at him. I've seen him for three days now, and it's hard for me to believe he's here. It's hard to believe that he's ours. And it's hard to believe that he's alive.
He is doing really well. He was on CPAP, but they have switched him to a high-flow nasal cannula. They started feeding him through a tube yesterday, but I've only been able to produce a little colostrum. My milk hasn't come in yet, though today it's starting. I've been very frustrated with this because it came in very fast after Emma Grace was born. Today, I signed a consent for donor milk for the next two days because his gut needs to be every so slightly stimulated each day. Breast milk significantly reduces the risk of NEC and the donor milk is completely safe and pasteurized. It's only until my milk comes which I hope will be tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest.
He will have a scan of his brain Friday to check for a brain bleed. We continue to pray he does not have one and his scan will be clear. His chest x-ray looked better this morning. He lost weight which actually is a good thing for his lungs. This morning he weighed 5 lbs, 11 oz. Suzanne said she heard a heart murmur, but we would watch it and see if it clears up. His bilirubin level is up but not high enough for phototherapy for jaundice. He is on IV nutrition called Hyperal and is receiving lipids (fats) through his IV also. His blood cultures have all come back negative so his antibiotics have been stopped. He has had some episodes where he has significantly dropped his heart rate; they are concerning but not alarming. It's pretty common for preemies to do that. He's probably refluxing, but that will be closely watched also.
Emma Grace and Jessica met him Saturday morning. Jessica is absolutely and completely in love with him. Emma Grace loves him, too, but is still warming up to him. I think she's realizing her baby status has been taken away. Jessica would have stood at his bedside all day with her hand on his head and the other on his bottom. Lori showed her how to do that to comfort him and she didn't want to stop. Jessica, Emma Grace and Gib went down for his first poopy diaper on Saturday. I was in the middle of dealing with trapped air in my chest and drinking some concoction of milk, ginger ale and sugar. I know it sounds gross, but believe it or not, it worked...and I HATE ginger ale!
I got to hold Matthew for the first time this morning.
It was wonderful!
And wonderfully emotional.
Of course my heart leaped with joy, but I cried when Suzanne first put him in my arms.
I have only held two newborns since Grady. It was very surreal that I was holding MY newborn. And he is alive. The hormones have kicked in and with it the emotions. I am SO happy. So happy to have an alive baby. So proud of Matthew. But in so many ways, Matthew's birth has brought about grief for Grady again. I would be lying if I said my tears were all happy tears. We've all called Matthew Grady the last few days, some of us more than once. As I was filling out the papers for NICU visitation, there were two columns. One for brothers and one for sister. I cried as I left the brothers column blank.
Suzanne worked last night and sat at Matthew's bedside with me until midnight. She let me cry and talk. She validated my feelings and didn't tell me to just "be happy". She said, "When you feel sad, remember the happy things". There are lots of happy things to reflect on amidst the sadness. Happy and sad CAN co-exist. I so appreciated that because I don't feel that any of what I'm experiencing emotionally is abnormal. Those of you who've been there can probably relate all too well.
I am coming home tomorrow. It's very bittersweet for me. I am looking forward to being home with Gib and the girls, but it's going to break my heart to leave Matthew here. This will be the third time I've left this hospital without a baby in my arms. But at least we have a baby to come visit and eventually take home this time. The next few weeks will be a challenge with driving to and from the hospital, especially when Matthew is ready and able to start nursing. I won't be able to be here for all of his feedings. The girls will be sad that they aren't going to be able to visit every day. Gib is going back to work and so the chaos begins. It's all okay though. I'm really not complaining. It will all work out. We just continue to pray for Matthew to grow and get strong so he can come home and be with us. The chaos and confusion are temporary and will be very well worth it!
Thanks for checking on us and mostly for praying for us. Please continue to pray for Matthew. We are so thankful and blessed that he's doing so well so far.
Look for an update of pictures to come soon. I don't know how to get them from the camera onto Gib's computer here. I can't remember what time I started this post, but it's now 8:05pm. I'm off to eat my dinner, pump, go to the NICU to visit baby boy and catch up with an old friend from nursing school who is my nurse tonight. Hopefully, you'll be hearing from me more frequently.
Love and blessings,
Tonya
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Hi Ho, Hi Ho...
...it's off to high-risk I go!
I'll be heading to the hospital today until Dumplin' arrives. This is a precautionary measure. And while I'm sad and don't look forward to staring at the same four walls, I'm so thankful to have a doctor who is conservative and on top of things.
Saturday, I took the girls to Walmart to get school supplies. Now let me just pause here and say that I never do these kinds of things early, but Jessica was persistent so off we went. And what a blessing that I have already purchased Emma Grace's uniforms for the school year, too. It's taken care of and Gib won't have to deal with it. Praise the Lord for His blessings, big and small!
Anyway, as we were casually taking our time in the store, I had the worst pain in my abdomen. It literally felt like my uterus was splitting right down the middle. It was so painful that I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. We bought what we had, and Jessica helped get everything in the car. Once I sat down I felt a bit better, but it continued to hurt. I drove the 15 minute drive home and promptly went to bed, where I stayed for about three hours. The pain subsided, and I didn't call Dr. Joe. The pain has come back once at almost the same intensity but not quite. The last couple of days, I've had twinges here and there of the pain and pulling sensation.
So, at my appointment with Dr. Joe yesterday, I thought I was in the clear. Dumplin' produced a great heart rate strip for his NST, and my cervix looked great on ultrasound.
But then I told him about the pain.
His demeanor changed, and I could see (almost hear) his wheels turning. But I wasn't prepared for what came next...
I measured 37cm yesterday which isn't too terribly big considering I'll be 33 weeks tomorrow. But I am big, Dumplin' is big and VERY active. I have LOTS and LOTS of braxton-hicks contractions (the practice ones) with some real ones mixed in. Dr. Joe is concerned with all of those things, combined with the pain I'm having in my middle uterus, that my uterus might rupture. I'm at risk for this because I have an old fashioned, classical incision on my uterus from Emma Grace being born so emergently at 25 weeks.
Dr. Joe looked around my uterus with ultrasound and saw nothing alarming, but he sure did keep feeling and poking around on my abdomen. I asked him if it felt okay, and his response was, "Yeah, it's okay." I got the feeling that something he felt was a bit off, but he didn't want to alarm me, too. I feel like if it was great he would have said so. It wasn't long after that he mentioned the hospital.
He told me that if I had called him from where I live (45 minutes from the hospital) and told him the kind of pain I was having, he would have "freaked out". He said with a uterine rupture that far away, there's no chance of saving the baby and it's very dangerous for me, too. If I was in the hospital parking lot, it would still be too far away. But if I'm on the high risk unit, "there's a fighting chance if something were to happen".
So, off to high-risk I go sometime today. I think if I had not had the girls with me yesterday, Dr, Joe might have gone ahead and admitted me. He didn't give me a specific time to be there, and I'm not in a hurry. I haven't packed. Instead, last night I spent time with my family, got the laundry caught up, and made lists of how to do things around here for Gib and the girls. Things are not perfect and exactly in order the way I would like them to be for the next few weeks, but I've had to step back and examine my priorities. And a perfectly clean, orderly house is NOT at the top. Dumplin' isn't going to know, or care, if things aren't perfect in his room. As long as he has milk, diapers and a soft place to lay his head, that's all he needs. Who cares about the rest, right?
I cried lots of tears yesterday at the thought of being away, and I know more are to come today. I was on bedrest for 12 days with Emma Grace. The days aren't so bad because of visitors that come and go, but the nights are long and lonely. My family is sad, but they understand this is the best thing to keep me and Dumplin' safe.
I was in the nursery last night (which is a TOTAL mess right now because of a mega fort the girls built) showing Jessica things that had to be washed, and I looked into the crib. There lay Grady's white gown, his hospital bands, the bag with his locks of hair, and the gown he wore during my time with him. I put my hand on the side of the crib and tearfully said to Jessica, "This is what we're trying to keep from happening again. We want an alive baby to bring home this time." She and I hugged and agreed it would all be worth it.
We would so very much appreciate your prayers. Some specifics to pray for are:
--Dumplin' stays put until his August 4th c-section date
--Dumplin's lungs will mature
--my uterus won't rupture and there will be no other complications
--peace and survival for Gib and the girls while I'm away
We rest in the fact that this is God's plan and His will for me and Dumplin' right now. Thank you so much for your prayers and support!
Love,
Tonya
I'll be heading to the hospital today until Dumplin' arrives. This is a precautionary measure. And while I'm sad and don't look forward to staring at the same four walls, I'm so thankful to have a doctor who is conservative and on top of things.
Saturday, I took the girls to Walmart to get school supplies. Now let me just pause here and say that I never do these kinds of things early, but Jessica was persistent so off we went. And what a blessing that I have already purchased Emma Grace's uniforms for the school year, too. It's taken care of and Gib won't have to deal with it. Praise the Lord for His blessings, big and small!
Anyway, as we were casually taking our time in the store, I had the worst pain in my abdomen. It literally felt like my uterus was splitting right down the middle. It was so painful that I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. We bought what we had, and Jessica helped get everything in the car. Once I sat down I felt a bit better, but it continued to hurt. I drove the 15 minute drive home and promptly went to bed, where I stayed for about three hours. The pain subsided, and I didn't call Dr. Joe. The pain has come back once at almost the same intensity but not quite. The last couple of days, I've had twinges here and there of the pain and pulling sensation.
So, at my appointment with Dr. Joe yesterday, I thought I was in the clear. Dumplin' produced a great heart rate strip for his NST, and my cervix looked great on ultrasound.
But then I told him about the pain.
His demeanor changed, and I could see (almost hear) his wheels turning. But I wasn't prepared for what came next...
I measured 37cm yesterday which isn't too terribly big considering I'll be 33 weeks tomorrow. But I am big, Dumplin' is big and VERY active. I have LOTS and LOTS of braxton-hicks contractions (the practice ones) with some real ones mixed in. Dr. Joe is concerned with all of those things, combined with the pain I'm having in my middle uterus, that my uterus might rupture. I'm at risk for this because I have an old fashioned, classical incision on my uterus from Emma Grace being born so emergently at 25 weeks.
Dr. Joe looked around my uterus with ultrasound and saw nothing alarming, but he sure did keep feeling and poking around on my abdomen. I asked him if it felt okay, and his response was, "Yeah, it's okay." I got the feeling that something he felt was a bit off, but he didn't want to alarm me, too. I feel like if it was great he would have said so. It wasn't long after that he mentioned the hospital.
He told me that if I had called him from where I live (45 minutes from the hospital) and told him the kind of pain I was having, he would have "freaked out". He said with a uterine rupture that far away, there's no chance of saving the baby and it's very dangerous for me, too. If I was in the hospital parking lot, it would still be too far away. But if I'm on the high risk unit, "there's a fighting chance if something were to happen".
So, off to high-risk I go sometime today. I think if I had not had the girls with me yesterday, Dr, Joe might have gone ahead and admitted me. He didn't give me a specific time to be there, and I'm not in a hurry. I haven't packed. Instead, last night I spent time with my family, got the laundry caught up, and made lists of how to do things around here for Gib and the girls. Things are not perfect and exactly in order the way I would like them to be for the next few weeks, but I've had to step back and examine my priorities. And a perfectly clean, orderly house is NOT at the top. Dumplin' isn't going to know, or care, if things aren't perfect in his room. As long as he has milk, diapers and a soft place to lay his head, that's all he needs. Who cares about the rest, right?
I cried lots of tears yesterday at the thought of being away, and I know more are to come today. I was on bedrest for 12 days with Emma Grace. The days aren't so bad because of visitors that come and go, but the nights are long and lonely. My family is sad, but they understand this is the best thing to keep me and Dumplin' safe.
I was in the nursery last night (which is a TOTAL mess right now because of a mega fort the girls built) showing Jessica things that had to be washed, and I looked into the crib. There lay Grady's white gown, his hospital bands, the bag with his locks of hair, and the gown he wore during my time with him. I put my hand on the side of the crib and tearfully said to Jessica, "This is what we're trying to keep from happening again. We want an alive baby to bring home this time." She and I hugged and agreed it would all be worth it.
We would so very much appreciate your prayers. Some specifics to pray for are:
--Dumplin' stays put until his August 4th c-section date
--Dumplin's lungs will mature
--my uterus won't rupture and there will be no other complications
--peace and survival for Gib and the girls while I'm away
We rest in the fact that this is God's plan and His will for me and Dumplin' right now. Thank you so much for your prayers and support!
Love,
Tonya
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Not So Little at 31 Weeks
Well, it appears that Mama T isn't the only one who is big!
I had a growth scan yesterday for Dumplin' since I measured 39cm last Thursday when I was only 30 weeks pregnant. I went back Monday (since I'm going three times a week now) and I only measured 34 1/2 cm. Dr. Joe is the only one who measures me, so I know it's accurate and not variation between practitioners. He said the difference was probably due to baby positioning. Makes sense to me.
I drove down and had lunch with the nurses and ultrasound (u/s) tech before my 1:45 appointment. The u/s tech thought I was about 35 weeks pregnant when she saw me. :) I enjoyed lunch but I couldn't wait to get into the u/s room and measure Dumplin'!
She got some really good measurements of his head, abdomen, and femur. Immediately when she saw his head, she said he has LOTS of hair. Can't wait to see! (Well, yes I can but you know what I mean!) After plugging in the measurements, she pulled up the screen that calculates the numbers.
OH MY GOSH!
Her measurements estimate that Dumplin weighs a whopping 5 pounds, 3 ounces already!
I was shocked! I had a feeling he was big based on how I feel and how big I am. But I had no idea he could be that big already.
I did make sure to clarify that the estimate could be a pound off either way... She confirmed that to be true but also said that she got some really good measurements and feels pretty sure that he weighs about 5 pounds.
He will probably be our biggest baby yet.
After the u/s, I had to see Dr. Joe. My uterus did not behave very well Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I woke up around 1:30am having contractions. Real ones, complete with cramping, backache and a distorted uterus because it was so tight. I got up, started drinking water and moving around some. It scared the stew out of me! Not just for the contractions, but also because I have a classical incision from Emma Grace that could rupture if I go into labor. Gib got up to check on me, and I told him I would call Dr. Joe if they didn't stop soon. Thankfully, they slowed down a considerable amount, and I was able to go back to sleep around 5am.
Dr. Joe checked my cervix yesterday, and it is still long and thick, measuring about 6.2 which is great! I'm so thankful. Dumplin' needs every day inside of me to help his lungs mature. I came home with a prescription for Brethine in case that happens again. It makes me feel better to be armed with something to take and try on my own first. I had to take it very occasionally with Grady, and I suspect the same for the remainder of this pregnancy, too.
Just to be sure, I will have my blood sugar checked again tomorrow to be certain that I don't have gestational diabetes. I passed the first one but barely. I asked Dr. Joe if we could check again, thinking that might be why Dumplin' is so big. He obliged and said that was a good idea. They will take a fasting blood sugar this time, too. Hopefully I'll pass because I hate the thought of having to give up my Breyer's chocolate ice cream and Reese's Klondike bars. YUM! But I'll do it for Dumplin' if I need to!
I hate when Dumplin' gets the hiccups! I used to think they were so fun, but now I freak out everytime he has them. I read somewhere a correlation between hiccups and stillbirth. I don't know details, but it scares the stew out of me! Oh, how I miss the innocence of pregnancy...
With only 34 days left, I really need to get on the ball about a car seat and getting the room ready. But it's very overwhelming to me. I have to pack Grady's things away, and I don't want to. I know that each momento and card I pick up will bring a slew of emotions back to me. I'm so excited for Dumplin's arrival, and I want to get things ready for him. But it feels like saying goodbye to Grady all over again...
Sigh.
That's about all for now. I have a pedicure appointment today at 11 and the girls are getting haircuts while we're there. Emma Grace wants a lot cut off of hers; Jessica not so much. If I can remember, I'll take pictures to post.
Love,
Tonya
I had a growth scan yesterday for Dumplin' since I measured 39cm last Thursday when I was only 30 weeks pregnant. I went back Monday (since I'm going three times a week now) and I only measured 34 1/2 cm. Dr. Joe is the only one who measures me, so I know it's accurate and not variation between practitioners. He said the difference was probably due to baby positioning. Makes sense to me.
I drove down and had lunch with the nurses and ultrasound (u/s) tech before my 1:45 appointment. The u/s tech thought I was about 35 weeks pregnant when she saw me. :) I enjoyed lunch but I couldn't wait to get into the u/s room and measure Dumplin'!
She got some really good measurements of his head, abdomen, and femur. Immediately when she saw his head, she said he has LOTS of hair. Can't wait to see! (Well, yes I can but you know what I mean!) After plugging in the measurements, she pulled up the screen that calculates the numbers.
OH MY GOSH!
Her measurements estimate that Dumplin weighs a whopping 5 pounds, 3 ounces already!
I was shocked! I had a feeling he was big based on how I feel and how big I am. But I had no idea he could be that big already.
I did make sure to clarify that the estimate could be a pound off either way... She confirmed that to be true but also said that she got some really good measurements and feels pretty sure that he weighs about 5 pounds.
He will probably be our biggest baby yet.
After the u/s, I had to see Dr. Joe. My uterus did not behave very well Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I woke up around 1:30am having contractions. Real ones, complete with cramping, backache and a distorted uterus because it was so tight. I got up, started drinking water and moving around some. It scared the stew out of me! Not just for the contractions, but also because I have a classical incision from Emma Grace that could rupture if I go into labor. Gib got up to check on me, and I told him I would call Dr. Joe if they didn't stop soon. Thankfully, they slowed down a considerable amount, and I was able to go back to sleep around 5am.
Dr. Joe checked my cervix yesterday, and it is still long and thick, measuring about 6.2 which is great! I'm so thankful. Dumplin' needs every day inside of me to help his lungs mature. I came home with a prescription for Brethine in case that happens again. It makes me feel better to be armed with something to take and try on my own first. I had to take it very occasionally with Grady, and I suspect the same for the remainder of this pregnancy, too.
Just to be sure, I will have my blood sugar checked again tomorrow to be certain that I don't have gestational diabetes. I passed the first one but barely. I asked Dr. Joe if we could check again, thinking that might be why Dumplin' is so big. He obliged and said that was a good idea. They will take a fasting blood sugar this time, too. Hopefully I'll pass because I hate the thought of having to give up my Breyer's chocolate ice cream and Reese's Klondike bars. YUM! But I'll do it for Dumplin' if I need to!
I hate when Dumplin' gets the hiccups! I used to think they were so fun, but now I freak out everytime he has them. I read somewhere a correlation between hiccups and stillbirth. I don't know details, but it scares the stew out of me! Oh, how I miss the innocence of pregnancy...
With only 34 days left, I really need to get on the ball about a car seat and getting the room ready. But it's very overwhelming to me. I have to pack Grady's things away, and I don't want to. I know that each momento and card I pick up will bring a slew of emotions back to me. I'm so excited for Dumplin's arrival, and I want to get things ready for him. But it feels like saying goodbye to Grady all over again...
Sigh.
That's about all for now. I have a pedicure appointment today at 11 and the girls are getting haircuts while we're there. Emma Grace wants a lot cut off of hers; Jessica not so much. If I can remember, I'll take pictures to post.
Love,
Tonya
Monday, June 14, 2010
Tidbits from T
I've been a terrible blogger. I know it. I'm sorry! Thanks for continuing to visit and read when I do blog, though!
I started a post early one morning last week of Emma Grace's birthday in pictures, but for some reason I started feeling really bad and had to go back to bed. I'm not sure what happened because I had already eaten, but I suddenly became very lightheaded and nauseaus and thought I was going to pass out. By the time I got up, the day demanded other things instead of blogging. I will get those pictures posted!
Today, it's just a hodge-podge of thoughts to share.
~~~It is miserably, humidly (is that a word?) hot here in GA already. What in the world is July going to be like? When we go to the pool, I stand under the mushroom to cool off or stand on the stairs and splash myself with water. I know people probably wonder why I don't just get in, but I don't necessarily share my high-risk state with everyone, despite my love of talking and open-bookedness about my life. I'm going to try to find our spray bottles with fans that we got a few years ago at Disney to take the next time we go. Which might be in just a bit...
~~~Jessica had her slumber party Friday night. All of her friends she wanted to invite were here, and I'm pretty sure they all had a good time. Two of the girls went to sleep right after the movie like they were supposed to, around 1:30am. But three others, including my Jessi Bear, were still awake at 4am! Emma Grace went to bed about 12:45am, and everyone was tired the next day. Especially me!
~~~Emma Grace got to spend some time with a friend of hers from preschool Saturday evening. We were invited to swim and cookout for Ella Brooke's 7th birthday. It was lots of fun and great to catch up with their family. She and Emma Grace could pass for sisters in a heartbeat. I wish I had taken my camera, but I forgot. :(
~~~Gib has been working a lot...if not for work, for school. He is at work again today administering the summer Gateway test and also has to work tomorrow. Wednesday will be the first day he has had just to be home since school got out the end of May. I'm looking forward to it! His summer courses for UGA are jam-packed. He has so much to do in such a short time. We are trying to leave him alone and give him the time he needs to devote to his assignments/projects. The time is going to fly for him, I do believe.
~~~Speaking of time, time is dragging for me with this pregnancy. 51 days from today is my scheduled c-section. I said I wasn't going to countdown. However, I counted out of curiosity one day and the numbers have stuck with me. On Wednesday I'll be 29 weeks, so 7 weeks from that day, Dumplin' will be born. At least that's our plan... I'm praying he doesn't decide to come sooner because he needs everyday he can get in the womb for his lungs to develop.
I got a slight tongue-lashing by Dr. Joe on Friday. He was going out of town this week, so I went to see him once more before he left. As he was listening to Dumplin's heartbeat, he commented on how active he was. I told him that wasn't the case that Tuesday night...
Tuesday night between midnight and 4:30am, I didn't feel Dumplin' at all. It was horrible! I was convinced he had died. I hoped he was sleeping. I prayed, begged and pleaded with the Lord to let me feel movement. Finally, I did. You might ask why I didn't I call the doctor. Same thing with Grady...I knew if he had died, it was already too late.
So, when I mentioned this to Dr. Joe, he stopped what he was doing, got a slightly stern look on his face and said the following (with his finger pointed at me), "Don't tell me that. You've come too far to mess around with stuff like that. The next time something like that happens, you get your butt to Labor and Delivery for a NST."
I would hate to see him really mad! I felt like I was being scolded by my dad. I know he's right. And I know that he cares about this baby. When Grady died, he made the comment that he was his baby, too and he didn't understand, with tears in his eyes. I love that I have such a conservative, caring doctor. But I am also walking that fine line of being that overly paranoid patient who calls the office for every little thing. Believe me...I could VERY easily be that person!
I'm thinking of renting a doppler for the next 7 weeks to listen for Dumplin's heartbeat when he is quiet and still. I think it will be worth the money just to give me peace of mind. I bought one at the store, but it's a piece of junk. We'll see.
~~~Church was AWESOME yesterday! Our pastor started a two-part series called "The Man I Want To Be". It was powerful, even for me as a woman. We don't do a lot of aisle-walking at our church, but at the end of yesterday's sermon, men were invited to come forward for prayer, to share their salvation and/or for baptism, to publicly express their trust in the Lord. Gib and I thought it strange when we saw a baptismal set up in the courtyard of the Classic Center as we were on our way into church. But that's what it was for. Unrehearsed, unplanned, spur-of-the-moment baptisms. The church provided shorts, t-shirts, towels and even hairbrushes and hair gel for those who had plans after church. About 20-25 men came forward in the early service. We stayed to watch and support them, and one of our pastors got to baptize his dad. Gib even lost it at that moment (I should clarify that when Gib loses it, it's much different than when I lose it. He gets very teary-eyed.) I don't know what they'll do next week for Father's Day but it will be hard to top yesterday!
~~~I'm having fun as I type watching Buddy chase a fly around our house. Speaking of flies, Saturday night at Ella Brooke's party, I noticed that above the door was a plastic bag with a little water in it. Do you know the flies would not fly under that bag into the house? Just thought I'd share that if the flies are as bad where you are as they are here. It looks funny but worth it not to have to chase them everywhere to kill them.
~~~For some reason Gib does not have class this weekend, and we've decided to participate in the community yard sale. Oh boy. What have I done!?! It was my idea but we have so much stuff that we need to get rid of, especially toys. The girls did a good job of going through some of their stuff yesterday. I have my work cut out for me this week, for sure! I'm hoping Gib will bring home some boxes from work for me to put stuff in. We did decide that whatever goes out the door will NOT come back in! I'll let you know how it goes.
That's all I can think of to share right now. Off to finish some laundry and plan our day. Have a great one!
Love,
Tonya
I started a post early one morning last week of Emma Grace's birthday in pictures, but for some reason I started feeling really bad and had to go back to bed. I'm not sure what happened because I had already eaten, but I suddenly became very lightheaded and nauseaus and thought I was going to pass out. By the time I got up, the day demanded other things instead of blogging. I will get those pictures posted!
Today, it's just a hodge-podge of thoughts to share.
~~~It is miserably, humidly (is that a word?) hot here in GA already. What in the world is July going to be like? When we go to the pool, I stand under the mushroom to cool off or stand on the stairs and splash myself with water. I know people probably wonder why I don't just get in, but I don't necessarily share my high-risk state with everyone, despite my love of talking and open-bookedness about my life. I'm going to try to find our spray bottles with fans that we got a few years ago at Disney to take the next time we go. Which might be in just a bit...
~~~Jessica had her slumber party Friday night. All of her friends she wanted to invite were here, and I'm pretty sure they all had a good time. Two of the girls went to sleep right after the movie like they were supposed to, around 1:30am. But three others, including my Jessi Bear, were still awake at 4am! Emma Grace went to bed about 12:45am, and everyone was tired the next day. Especially me!
~~~Emma Grace got to spend some time with a friend of hers from preschool Saturday evening. We were invited to swim and cookout for Ella Brooke's 7th birthday. It was lots of fun and great to catch up with their family. She and Emma Grace could pass for sisters in a heartbeat. I wish I had taken my camera, but I forgot. :(
~~~Gib has been working a lot...if not for work, for school. He is at work again today administering the summer Gateway test and also has to work tomorrow. Wednesday will be the first day he has had just to be home since school got out the end of May. I'm looking forward to it! His summer courses for UGA are jam-packed. He has so much to do in such a short time. We are trying to leave him alone and give him the time he needs to devote to his assignments/projects. The time is going to fly for him, I do believe.
~~~Speaking of time, time is dragging for me with this pregnancy. 51 days from today is my scheduled c-section. I said I wasn't going to countdown. However, I counted out of curiosity one day and the numbers have stuck with me. On Wednesday I'll be 29 weeks, so 7 weeks from that day, Dumplin' will be born. At least that's our plan... I'm praying he doesn't decide to come sooner because he needs everyday he can get in the womb for his lungs to develop.
I got a slight tongue-lashing by Dr. Joe on Friday. He was going out of town this week, so I went to see him once more before he left. As he was listening to Dumplin's heartbeat, he commented on how active he was. I told him that wasn't the case that Tuesday night...
Tuesday night between midnight and 4:30am, I didn't feel Dumplin' at all. It was horrible! I was convinced he had died. I hoped he was sleeping. I prayed, begged and pleaded with the Lord to let me feel movement. Finally, I did. You might ask why I didn't I call the doctor. Same thing with Grady...I knew if he had died, it was already too late.
So, when I mentioned this to Dr. Joe, he stopped what he was doing, got a slightly stern look on his face and said the following (with his finger pointed at me), "Don't tell me that. You've come too far to mess around with stuff like that. The next time something like that happens, you get your butt to Labor and Delivery for a NST."
I would hate to see him really mad! I felt like I was being scolded by my dad. I know he's right. And I know that he cares about this baby. When Grady died, he made the comment that he was his baby, too and he didn't understand, with tears in his eyes. I love that I have such a conservative, caring doctor. But I am also walking that fine line of being that overly paranoid patient who calls the office for every little thing. Believe me...I could VERY easily be that person!
I'm thinking of renting a doppler for the next 7 weeks to listen for Dumplin's heartbeat when he is quiet and still. I think it will be worth the money just to give me peace of mind. I bought one at the store, but it's a piece of junk. We'll see.
~~~Church was AWESOME yesterday! Our pastor started a two-part series called "The Man I Want To Be". It was powerful, even for me as a woman. We don't do a lot of aisle-walking at our church, but at the end of yesterday's sermon, men were invited to come forward for prayer, to share their salvation and/or for baptism, to publicly express their trust in the Lord. Gib and I thought it strange when we saw a baptismal set up in the courtyard of the Classic Center as we were on our way into church. But that's what it was for. Unrehearsed, unplanned, spur-of-the-moment baptisms. The church provided shorts, t-shirts, towels and even hairbrushes and hair gel for those who had plans after church. About 20-25 men came forward in the early service. We stayed to watch and support them, and one of our pastors got to baptize his dad. Gib even lost it at that moment (I should clarify that when Gib loses it, it's much different than when I lose it. He gets very teary-eyed.) I don't know what they'll do next week for Father's Day but it will be hard to top yesterday!
~~~I'm having fun as I type watching Buddy chase a fly around our house. Speaking of flies, Saturday night at Ella Brooke's party, I noticed that above the door was a plastic bag with a little water in it. Do you know the flies would not fly under that bag into the house? Just thought I'd share that if the flies are as bad where you are as they are here. It looks funny but worth it not to have to chase them everywhere to kill them.
~~~For some reason Gib does not have class this weekend, and we've decided to participate in the community yard sale. Oh boy. What have I done!?! It was my idea but we have so much stuff that we need to get rid of, especially toys. The girls did a good job of going through some of their stuff yesterday. I have my work cut out for me this week, for sure! I'm hoping Gib will bring home some boxes from work for me to put stuff in. We did decide that whatever goes out the door will NOT come back in! I'll let you know how it goes.
That's all I can think of to share right now. Off to finish some laundry and plan our day. Have a great one!
Love,
Tonya
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Just Think Positive
If I've heard those words once, I feel like I've heard them 1,000 times. And honestly, they drive me crazy. Grate my nerves. Get under my skin.
And I've grown to hate them.
I'm sure that everyone in my real life feels like they walk on egg shells around me, and I hate that, too. People try to say the right thing, and I appreciate their effort. I really do. I usually smile and say, "I'm trying".
"You just have to think positive!"
Those words encompass so much for me.
I've debated for a few days as to whether to delve into this post or not, but I'm going for it. These are simply my opinions...you may agree or not and that's okay. Just as the same is true about everything else on this here blog of mine.
The majority of the time, when I project the slightest bit of doubt as to the outcome of this pregnancy, I get one of two responses:
1. "Don't say that."
2. "You have to think positive."
So begins my internal rebuttal...
Why not say that?
It has been my reality in the past. I'm saying what's on my mind. Just because I say it does not mean it will happen. If I don't say it, that also does not mean that it won't happen. Just because I express my thoughts doesn't mean they will come to fruition. And if I keep it inside, those thoughts and feelings don't just disappear. They're always there. The excitement mixed with fear and anxiety of what could be...
But we are waiting for the outcome, and that's all we can do. Living one day at a time. We cling to the hope that everything is going to be fine, and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms to bring home in August. We pray fervently for God's will but let our hearts' desires be known to Him. But only He knows. And we rest in that for now. It's hard, but it's all we've got.
On to the second point.
What does thinking positively have to do with the outcome of this pregnancy?
I believe with 100% of my being that one should not live life seeing the glass as always half empty. If we live in such a negative state all the time, it can certainly affect our health and our relationships with those around us. When this happens, that person cannot experience happiness, often has no hope, sees everything as useless...so why even try to engage in life?
I do engage and feel happiness and have hope.
But letting negative thoughts creep into my mind, or allowing them to dwell there for a while, is NOT going to determine if this baby lives or dies. I don't believe that one bit.
Dumplin's days are already numbered, just as yours and mine are. Only God knows.
Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)says,
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
I clung to this verse right after Emma Grace was born so prematurely. This verse brought me comfort after Grady went to heaven. And this verse still rings true with me today.
"ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE".
Positive thoughts. Negative thoughts. Crazy, off-the-wall thoughts. They really don't matter. They don't determine this baby's life or death.
And there's one more reason that I so profoundly dislike this statement. To me, it implies that I didn't think positively with Grady.
Would positive thoughts have kept him alive?
Nope.
Because, believe me, if they could, he would be here today, alive and well. I prayed for him every single day. I daydreamed and thought of bringing him home. Nursing him, rocking him, loving him, bathing him, changing his diapers, spending long nights awake with just me and him, watching him sleep, and experiencing, in general, what a little boy would be like. I thought of all the new things we would get to do with a boy. I thought of how I wouldn't hold back all the many kisses that I love to give my children just because he was a boy and I didn't want to make him too feminine.
I thought plenty of positive thoughts during my pregnancy with Grady. They didn't change the outcome. His days were already numbered.
And I don't believe for one second that the feelings/fears that I openly express or the endless positive thoughts that I could think will change God's will for this baby's life, either.
Love,
Tonya
And I've grown to hate them.
I'm sure that everyone in my real life feels like they walk on egg shells around me, and I hate that, too. People try to say the right thing, and I appreciate their effort. I really do. I usually smile and say, "I'm trying".
"You just have to think positive!"
Those words encompass so much for me.
I've debated for a few days as to whether to delve into this post or not, but I'm going for it. These are simply my opinions...you may agree or not and that's okay. Just as the same is true about everything else on this here blog of mine.
The majority of the time, when I project the slightest bit of doubt as to the outcome of this pregnancy, I get one of two responses:
1. "Don't say that."
2. "You have to think positive."
So begins my internal rebuttal...
Why not say that?
It has been my reality in the past. I'm saying what's on my mind. Just because I say it does not mean it will happen. If I don't say it, that also does not mean that it won't happen. Just because I express my thoughts doesn't mean they will come to fruition. And if I keep it inside, those thoughts and feelings don't just disappear. They're always there. The excitement mixed with fear and anxiety of what could be...
But we are waiting for the outcome, and that's all we can do. Living one day at a time. We cling to the hope that everything is going to be fine, and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms to bring home in August. We pray fervently for God's will but let our hearts' desires be known to Him. But only He knows. And we rest in that for now. It's hard, but it's all we've got.
On to the second point.
What does thinking positively have to do with the outcome of this pregnancy?
I believe with 100% of my being that one should not live life seeing the glass as always half empty. If we live in such a negative state all the time, it can certainly affect our health and our relationships with those around us. When this happens, that person cannot experience happiness, often has no hope, sees everything as useless...so why even try to engage in life?
I do engage and feel happiness and have hope.
But letting negative thoughts creep into my mind, or allowing them to dwell there for a while, is NOT going to determine if this baby lives or dies. I don't believe that one bit.
Dumplin's days are already numbered, just as yours and mine are. Only God knows.
Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)says,
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
I clung to this verse right after Emma Grace was born so prematurely. This verse brought me comfort after Grady went to heaven. And this verse still rings true with me today.
"ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE".
Positive thoughts. Negative thoughts. Crazy, off-the-wall thoughts. They really don't matter. They don't determine this baby's life or death.
And there's one more reason that I so profoundly dislike this statement. To me, it implies that I didn't think positively with Grady.
Would positive thoughts have kept him alive?
Nope.
Because, believe me, if they could, he would be here today, alive and well. I prayed for him every single day. I daydreamed and thought of bringing him home. Nursing him, rocking him, loving him, bathing him, changing his diapers, spending long nights awake with just me and him, watching him sleep, and experiencing, in general, what a little boy would be like. I thought of all the new things we would get to do with a boy. I thought of how I wouldn't hold back all the many kisses that I love to give my children just because he was a boy and I didn't want to make him too feminine.
I thought plenty of positive thoughts during my pregnancy with Grady. They didn't change the outcome. His days were already numbered.
And I don't believe for one second that the feelings/fears that I openly express or the endless positive thoughts that I could think will change God's will for this baby's life, either.
Love,
Tonya
Thursday, May 20, 2010
25 Weeks. Emotional Wreck.
I turned 25 weeks yesterday, and I'm so thankful I already had an appointment scheduled. I just didn't feel well yesterday. But on the way to the doctor I started having lots of pressure *down there*. I have frequent heaviness in my lower abdomen because of how low I'm carrying him, but it's way too early to be having pressure my friends.
But maybe not.
At least not for me.
Sigh.
My FFN test came back negative again, which was great. This is a test that has an 80% accuracy rate in predicting whether one will go into preterm labor or have a premature rupture of membranes (water breaking) within the next two weeks. I don't have total faith in the test, though, because unfortunately I know a sweet family who fell into the 20% group where it was wrong. The outcome of her pregnancy was not good. I will forever have that little bit of doubt in my mind about the FFN test...
Dr. Joe took a look at my cervix as he always does, and we could see Dumplin's hiney. Maybe my uterus just didn't like his hiney being there yesterday...sort of like it didn't like his head being there Friday. He thinks the pressure is just coming from the fact that it's my fourth pregnancy...it may just be something I have to deal with. The good news is that it my cervix was long and thick which is just the way we want it to stay.
I've also been having terrible headaches. I don't have one as of yet today, but they've been bad. My blood pressure was normal to low. He attributed the headaches to my blood pressure and hormones. I think they're also from the fact that I don't get much sleep. The pain in my right leg often wakes me up and keeps me up.
Who knows!?!
But I know this...I was an emotional wreck yesterday.
Literally. Seriously. A wreck.
When everything checked out with my exam, I told Dr. Joe that I was having a hard time with symptoms and when to worry about them. He said a little bit of worry all the time was good, so that I didn't dismiss anything. But he went on to say he thought I was worrying a little too much right now.
It's hard.
Very hard.
And he could see that on my face. When he stood to leave, he walked over to give me a hug and told me to hang in there. The tears really started to flow...
You know how when you're having a bad day and someone does or says something kind, that's when you lose it. That was that moment for me yesterday.
I cried off and on all day yesterday. This is such an emotional time in pregnancy for me because Emma Grace was born tomorrow at 25 weeks and 2 days. I don't think the same is going to happen with Dumplin' but it does bring about a slew of emotions. I had a hard time at this point in my pregnancy with Grady, too.
But, I feel like I hit a wall yesterday. Pregnancy thus far has been hard emotionally. Just being pregnant again in general. Thinking so much about Grady and my pregnancy with him. Knowing that if he had lived I would not be pregnant with Dumplin' because he was definitely going to be our last.
But as far as emotions go, I don't think it's going to get better. In fact, I think it's going to get worse the further along I get. It's very hard to put what I'm feeling into words.
I want SO badly for Dumplin' to live. I have 11 weeks to go still. I know first-hand how much can happen during that time, both personally and through friends. It may sound like I'm only focusing on the negative aspects of pregnancy. If it does, then it does. Because I'm not. The risks and negative twists have been reality for me before. Just because certain things happened before does not mean they will happen again. But it also doesn't mean that they won't...
People can encourage me till they're blue in the face. And I need that to an extent. But honestly, too much cheerfulness and optimism makes me crazy. And mad. Because I also need for people to realize and try to understand what it's like to be in my shoes. Having lived through the worst. Having almost lived through the worst twice.
We made this decision to try again. We don't regret it for one second. We already love Dumplin' and my family is SO VERY HOPEFUL that he will join us as a living, breathing member of our family.
I am NOT having a pity party for myself. I just need to vent what I'm feeling. And it's not all good. At least not all the time. There ARE happy times. But in some ways I'm dealing with certain aspects of grief all over again, along with fear and anxiety and worry.
Dr. Joe told me as he was leaving to "Just Pray." I told him "I do." He said, "A Lot!" I told him "I do." And I know LOTS of you out there are praying for me, too. And that just means the world to me. In my opinion, it truly is the greatest gift you can give someone.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
--------------------
I tried to take a few pictures of myself yesterday but they didn't turn out too good. So I'm not going to post them. But I'm still big. Measuring 31cm at 25 weeks. Yes, I went from being 30cm on Friday to 31cm on Wednesday. And I gained TWO MORE POUNDS! Uggh. I had my one hour glucose test yesterday, and I'm really hoping I passed it. I had to do the three hour with Jessica and it was awful! Don't want to go down that road again...
I'll keep you posted.
Love,
Tonya
But maybe not.
At least not for me.
Sigh.
My FFN test came back negative again, which was great. This is a test that has an 80% accuracy rate in predicting whether one will go into preterm labor or have a premature rupture of membranes (water breaking) within the next two weeks. I don't have total faith in the test, though, because unfortunately I know a sweet family who fell into the 20% group where it was wrong. The outcome of her pregnancy was not good. I will forever have that little bit of doubt in my mind about the FFN test...
Dr. Joe took a look at my cervix as he always does, and we could see Dumplin's hiney. Maybe my uterus just didn't like his hiney being there yesterday...sort of like it didn't like his head being there Friday. He thinks the pressure is just coming from the fact that it's my fourth pregnancy...it may just be something I have to deal with. The good news is that it my cervix was long and thick which is just the way we want it to stay.
I've also been having terrible headaches. I don't have one as of yet today, but they've been bad. My blood pressure was normal to low. He attributed the headaches to my blood pressure and hormones. I think they're also from the fact that I don't get much sleep. The pain in my right leg often wakes me up and keeps me up.
Who knows!?!
But I know this...I was an emotional wreck yesterday.
Literally. Seriously. A wreck.
When everything checked out with my exam, I told Dr. Joe that I was having a hard time with symptoms and when to worry about them. He said a little bit of worry all the time was good, so that I didn't dismiss anything. But he went on to say he thought I was worrying a little too much right now.
It's hard.
Very hard.
And he could see that on my face. When he stood to leave, he walked over to give me a hug and told me to hang in there. The tears really started to flow...
You know how when you're having a bad day and someone does or says something kind, that's when you lose it. That was that moment for me yesterday.
I cried off and on all day yesterday. This is such an emotional time in pregnancy for me because Emma Grace was born tomorrow at 25 weeks and 2 days. I don't think the same is going to happen with Dumplin' but it does bring about a slew of emotions. I had a hard time at this point in my pregnancy with Grady, too.
But, I feel like I hit a wall yesterday. Pregnancy thus far has been hard emotionally. Just being pregnant again in general. Thinking so much about Grady and my pregnancy with him. Knowing that if he had lived I would not be pregnant with Dumplin' because he was definitely going to be our last.
But as far as emotions go, I don't think it's going to get better. In fact, I think it's going to get worse the further along I get. It's very hard to put what I'm feeling into words.
I want SO badly for Dumplin' to live. I have 11 weeks to go still. I know first-hand how much can happen during that time, both personally and through friends. It may sound like I'm only focusing on the negative aspects of pregnancy. If it does, then it does. Because I'm not. The risks and negative twists have been reality for me before. Just because certain things happened before does not mean they will happen again. But it also doesn't mean that they won't...
People can encourage me till they're blue in the face. And I need that to an extent. But honestly, too much cheerfulness and optimism makes me crazy. And mad. Because I also need for people to realize and try to understand what it's like to be in my shoes. Having lived through the worst. Having almost lived through the worst twice.
We made this decision to try again. We don't regret it for one second. We already love Dumplin' and my family is SO VERY HOPEFUL that he will join us as a living, breathing member of our family.
I am NOT having a pity party for myself. I just need to vent what I'm feeling. And it's not all good. At least not all the time. There ARE happy times. But in some ways I'm dealing with certain aspects of grief all over again, along with fear and anxiety and worry.
Dr. Joe told me as he was leaving to "Just Pray." I told him "I do." He said, "A Lot!" I told him "I do." And I know LOTS of you out there are praying for me, too. And that just means the world to me. In my opinion, it truly is the greatest gift you can give someone.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
--------------------
I tried to take a few pictures of myself yesterday but they didn't turn out too good. So I'm not going to post them. But I'm still big. Measuring 31cm at 25 weeks. Yes, I went from being 30cm on Friday to 31cm on Wednesday. And I gained TWO MORE POUNDS! Uggh. I had my one hour glucose test yesterday, and I'm really hoping I passed it. I had to do the three hour with Jessica and it was awful! Don't want to go down that road again...
I'll keep you posted.
Love,
Tonya
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
23 weeks. Anxiety. My New Line.
Today I am entering the 23rd week of my pregnancy. Although I feel like I'm 30 weeks...and look like I'm 30 weeks...and measure 30 weeks, I am only 23. (I tried to take a picture of myself in the mirror again, but it just didn't work!) Dr. Joe checked my fluid levels Monday and took a quick look at Dumplin' and all is well. He simply described my uterus as a muscle on steroids that is super sensitive to the progesterone that I'm producing right now. He has no reason for concern which puts my mind at ease. Seriously, though, I need to plateau with my measurements soon! I was in my 30's before that happened with Grady, but I wasn't this big this early with him either!
This is the week of my pregnancy with Emma Grace that my water broke. 23 weeks, 4 days. These next few weeks were a stressful time in my pregnancy with Grady, and I'm afraid they are going to be stressful this time, too. I know that I have absolutely NO control over whether my water breaks or not. Worrying won't change a thing. But I won't lie. I'm anxious. I'm not dwelling on it, but the thought is there. The fear is there. I brush it aside, but it always surfaces again, stronger at times than others.
But there again, I think about it ALL. Because, honestly, I've lived it. And when you've been there and experienced it, you can't help but think about it. I think about this baby living; I think about this baby dying. I think about carrying him to full-term; I think about delivering him prematurely. These have all been my reality in the past. I want to believe and hope for a healthy baby to bring home at the end of all of this. I want to trust in God's sovereign plan for our lives and Dumplin's. But there are no guarantees. No one knows that better than me. But one thing I am guaranteed, and know for sure, is that there is a higher power in control, and his name is God. And I trust Him. And I believe in Him. And I know that whatever the outcome of this pregnancy, He is good and faithful and loves me.
Dr. Joe is monitoring me closely and performing tests that typically aren't done this early, just to be sure. I know that I'm in good hands all around. But I sure could use some prayers for this anxiety-ridden time which I'm afraid won't pass too quickly.
And speaking of Dr. Joe, I told him on Monday that if one more person asks me if I'm having twins I might tear their head off. He laughed and said, "Well, what you should say is...no, as a matter of fact I'm having triplets".
That's my new line. I love it! And I'm seriously going to use it. Of course, I will go on to tell people the truth. But I don't even answer the question of when my due date is straight-up. Nope. 'Cuz if I told people my due date is September 1st, their mouths would seriously drop open, more than they already do. So my standard answer to that question is that I will have a c-section on August 4th. Which is absolutely the truth...if things go according to plan...
On a different note, I was so excited to get a pedicure this morning! I got a fungus when I was pregnant with Grady and swore I would never get one professionally again. Well, considering that I have a hard time tying my shoes, my toes were in desperate need of attention! I went to the salon where I have my hair done. There is one lady and one basin who works out of it which is exactly what I wanted. My feet feel soft and look much better...it's the little things that make a difference for us women, huh?
And one more thing, Jessica pitched three innings in her softball game last night. And I must say, she did great! They still lost, but she had her "game-on" and made some great catches and good plays. We were proud of her, but the more important thing is that she was proud of herself (in a humble way).
I hope you're having a great day from wherever you're reading! The weather is beautiful here, although it's going to be hot! I won't be spending too much time outside today.
Love,
Tonya
This is the week of my pregnancy with Emma Grace that my water broke. 23 weeks, 4 days. These next few weeks were a stressful time in my pregnancy with Grady, and I'm afraid they are going to be stressful this time, too. I know that I have absolutely NO control over whether my water breaks or not. Worrying won't change a thing. But I won't lie. I'm anxious. I'm not dwelling on it, but the thought is there. The fear is there. I brush it aside, but it always surfaces again, stronger at times than others.
But there again, I think about it ALL. Because, honestly, I've lived it. And when you've been there and experienced it, you can't help but think about it. I think about this baby living; I think about this baby dying. I think about carrying him to full-term; I think about delivering him prematurely. These have all been my reality in the past. I want to believe and hope for a healthy baby to bring home at the end of all of this. I want to trust in God's sovereign plan for our lives and Dumplin's. But there are no guarantees. No one knows that better than me. But one thing I am guaranteed, and know for sure, is that there is a higher power in control, and his name is God. And I trust Him. And I believe in Him. And I know that whatever the outcome of this pregnancy, He is good and faithful and loves me.
Dr. Joe is monitoring me closely and performing tests that typically aren't done this early, just to be sure. I know that I'm in good hands all around. But I sure could use some prayers for this anxiety-ridden time which I'm afraid won't pass too quickly.
And speaking of Dr. Joe, I told him on Monday that if one more person asks me if I'm having twins I might tear their head off. He laughed and said, "Well, what you should say is...no, as a matter of fact I'm having triplets".
That's my new line. I love it! And I'm seriously going to use it. Of course, I will go on to tell people the truth. But I don't even answer the question of when my due date is straight-up. Nope. 'Cuz if I told people my due date is September 1st, their mouths would seriously drop open, more than they already do. So my standard answer to that question is that I will have a c-section on August 4th. Which is absolutely the truth...if things go according to plan...
On a different note, I was so excited to get a pedicure this morning! I got a fungus when I was pregnant with Grady and swore I would never get one professionally again. Well, considering that I have a hard time tying my shoes, my toes were in desperate need of attention! I went to the salon where I have my hair done. There is one lady and one basin who works out of it which is exactly what I wanted. My feet feel soft and look much better...it's the little things that make a difference for us women, huh?
And one more thing, Jessica pitched three innings in her softball game last night. And I must say, she did great! They still lost, but she had her "game-on" and made some great catches and good plays. We were proud of her, but the more important thing is that she was proud of herself (in a humble way).
I hope you're having a great day from wherever you're reading! The weather is beautiful here, although it's going to be hot! I won't be spending too much time outside today.
Love,
Tonya
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Dumplin'
Finally, some long-awaited details on Dumplin'! Along with a picture and why I didn't announce our news sooner...
Once we made the decision to try again on September 13, 2009, I had to have some blood work done. I drug my feet because I knew we shouldn't try until November. Dr. Joe had told us to wait a year from my c-section. I got the blood work done in early October during my girls' Fall Break. Dr. Joe tested me for all sorts of things, including clotting disorders. All of my labs were normal so we got the green light to start trying.
I prayed that I would get pregnant quickly. I know myself very well, and if it had taken me a long time to conceive, I would have constantly second-guessed our decision...even though I felt that it came straight from the Lord. On the second month of trying, I had a positive pregnancy test.
I was honestly shocked.
I found out I was pregnant with Dumplin' on Sunday, December 20th. This was just two days before I came down with the monster H1N1 flu that knocked me off my feet right through Christmas. I didn't go to the doctor because I couldn't take Tamiflu. I took the bare minimum OTC meds (approved by my doc) just to help me feel like I might live. My fever was high, and I was scared silly that this baby wouldn't make it through such fever and sickness. Gib was worried, too. There was lots of prayin' going on while I was on that sick bed!
I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks on January 6th and was completely overwhelmed emotionally. I was going to have my HCG levels checked, and they told me that if they weren't busy they would sneak a peek at the baby. However, when I walked into the office, they were so busy that I sat on the floor because there were no seats. I resided myself to the fact there would be no ultrasound that day. Fun thing was that I saw a blogger that I met at the Atlanta MckMama gathering, so we had a little time to chat...you know who you are! :)
After Nanci (Dr. Joe's nurse) drew my blood, I was walking out the door and she went the opposite direction toward the ultrasound room. UH-OH. I wasn't prepared to go in there again. It was the same room where I learned Grady no longer had a heartbeat. I hadn't been back in that room since that horrible, life-changing day. Nanci hugged me and talked me through my anxiety...
As I sat and waited, I cried. And cried. And cried. And I so badly wished I wasn't there alone. I relived every moment of that November 12th morning. I was so scared I would get more bad news that there was no heartbeat with this one, too.
When Dr. Joe did the ultrasound, it was VERY hard for me to see a heartbeat. With Grady, I saw a tiny circle with a heartbeat. This one literally looked like a line or pole. I strained hard to see the heartbeat. Dr. Joe insisted things looked good and I trusted him. After all, this is his area of expertise. But I wasn't 100% sure.
I have had an ultrasound every two weeks since. Dr. Joe always checks my cervix with vaginal ultrasound because of my history of prematurity, and yesterday was the first time he didn't peek at the baby. I was fine with that because he didn't look at Grady every time either. I'm feeling much more consistent movement which is unbelievably reassuring. I was actually convinced for a few days that this baby had died...
I felt Dumplin' move for the first time on Monday, March 15th. This is super early to feel movement as I was only 15 weeks and 5 days. It was BIG movement, too. I was lying in bed that morning and felt the baby on the outside of my abdomen. It was such a bittersweet moment. I was overjoyed to actually feel this new life inside of me. But the last time I felt movement was with Grady...
I was very teary when I went to wake the girls for school. Jessica was still asleep when I told her I felt Dumplin' move for the first time, so she didn't say anything. But little Emma Grace, in her sleepy slumber, said "Mommy, that means he's not dead".
More tears..."Yes, baby, you're right".
I felt tiny flutters when I was still and had an appointment two days later. Everything was fine. However, after my appointment and for the next 3-4 days, I felt absolutely NOTHING. I tried to trust and not be scared. But I was. I didn't call Dr. Joe. I waited it out. I was convinced this baby had died too. I think it was on the following Saturday that I felt another tiny flutter. This put my mind a bit more at ease but not completely.
Things are going well. I'm just HUGE! I am a little over 20 weeks along and yesterday I measured 28cm! For those of you who might not know, you should measure the same number of cm as you are weeks (20weeks=20cm). A little variation is normal, but 8 weeks is a lot to be off. This same thing happened with Grady, although with him I measured 26cm at 20 weeks. I'm a bit bigger this time. I didn't measure this way with the girls, so I'm a bit puzzled as to why I'm this way with my boys. Dr. Joe will watch me closely. With Grady my fluid levels were always normal and his growth was on track. He was a little bigger than average but not too terribly much. I expect the same for this one, too.
Finally, here's a picture of our little Dumplin'. He's waving to all of you!
This was actually taken at 12 weeks and 5 days at my first high-risk appointment. I have some recent pics but they aren't nearly as good or clear as this one.
This post is already much longer than I intended. I'll post about why I waited to share another time.
Thanks for your kind words, cards, phone calls, emails, and most of all your prayers. This is an exciting time, but not an easy time. And it's not blissful excitement. It's guarded excitement. This is not a replacement baby for our Grady. He will always be our third child. And while we are able to find joy in our lives, the love we have for him and the hole he has left in our hearts will forever be with us all.
Love,
Tonya
Once we made the decision to try again on September 13, 2009, I had to have some blood work done. I drug my feet because I knew we shouldn't try until November. Dr. Joe had told us to wait a year from my c-section. I got the blood work done in early October during my girls' Fall Break. Dr. Joe tested me for all sorts of things, including clotting disorders. All of my labs were normal so we got the green light to start trying.
I prayed that I would get pregnant quickly. I know myself very well, and if it had taken me a long time to conceive, I would have constantly second-guessed our decision...even though I felt that it came straight from the Lord. On the second month of trying, I had a positive pregnancy test.
I was honestly shocked.
I found out I was pregnant with Dumplin' on Sunday, December 20th. This was just two days before I came down with the monster H1N1 flu that knocked me off my feet right through Christmas. I didn't go to the doctor because I couldn't take Tamiflu. I took the bare minimum OTC meds (approved by my doc) just to help me feel like I might live. My fever was high, and I was scared silly that this baby wouldn't make it through such fever and sickness. Gib was worried, too. There was lots of prayin' going on while I was on that sick bed!
I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks on January 6th and was completely overwhelmed emotionally. I was going to have my HCG levels checked, and they told me that if they weren't busy they would sneak a peek at the baby. However, when I walked into the office, they were so busy that I sat on the floor because there were no seats. I resided myself to the fact there would be no ultrasound that day. Fun thing was that I saw a blogger that I met at the Atlanta MckMama gathering, so we had a little time to chat...you know who you are! :)
After Nanci (Dr. Joe's nurse) drew my blood, I was walking out the door and she went the opposite direction toward the ultrasound room. UH-OH. I wasn't prepared to go in there again. It was the same room where I learned Grady no longer had a heartbeat. I hadn't been back in that room since that horrible, life-changing day. Nanci hugged me and talked me through my anxiety...
As I sat and waited, I cried. And cried. And cried. And I so badly wished I wasn't there alone. I relived every moment of that November 12th morning. I was so scared I would get more bad news that there was no heartbeat with this one, too.
When Dr. Joe did the ultrasound, it was VERY hard for me to see a heartbeat. With Grady, I saw a tiny circle with a heartbeat. This one literally looked like a line or pole. I strained hard to see the heartbeat. Dr. Joe insisted things looked good and I trusted him. After all, this is his area of expertise. But I wasn't 100% sure.
I have had an ultrasound every two weeks since. Dr. Joe always checks my cervix with vaginal ultrasound because of my history of prematurity, and yesterday was the first time he didn't peek at the baby. I was fine with that because he didn't look at Grady every time either. I'm feeling much more consistent movement which is unbelievably reassuring. I was actually convinced for a few days that this baby had died...
I felt Dumplin' move for the first time on Monday, March 15th. This is super early to feel movement as I was only 15 weeks and 5 days. It was BIG movement, too. I was lying in bed that morning and felt the baby on the outside of my abdomen. It was such a bittersweet moment. I was overjoyed to actually feel this new life inside of me. But the last time I felt movement was with Grady...
I was very teary when I went to wake the girls for school. Jessica was still asleep when I told her I felt Dumplin' move for the first time, so she didn't say anything. But little Emma Grace, in her sleepy slumber, said "Mommy, that means he's not dead".
More tears..."Yes, baby, you're right".
I felt tiny flutters when I was still and had an appointment two days later. Everything was fine. However, after my appointment and for the next 3-4 days, I felt absolutely NOTHING. I tried to trust and not be scared. But I was. I didn't call Dr. Joe. I waited it out. I was convinced this baby had died too. I think it was on the following Saturday that I felt another tiny flutter. This put my mind a bit more at ease but not completely.
Things are going well. I'm just HUGE! I am a little over 20 weeks along and yesterday I measured 28cm! For those of you who might not know, you should measure the same number of cm as you are weeks (20weeks=20cm). A little variation is normal, but 8 weeks is a lot to be off. This same thing happened with Grady, although with him I measured 26cm at 20 weeks. I'm a bit bigger this time. I didn't measure this way with the girls, so I'm a bit puzzled as to why I'm this way with my boys. Dr. Joe will watch me closely. With Grady my fluid levels were always normal and his growth was on track. He was a little bigger than average but not too terribly much. I expect the same for this one, too.
Finally, here's a picture of our little Dumplin'. He's waving to all of you!
This was actually taken at 12 weeks and 5 days at my first high-risk appointment. I have some recent pics but they aren't nearly as good or clear as this one.
This post is already much longer than I intended. I'll post about why I waited to share another time.
Thanks for your kind words, cards, phone calls, emails, and most of all your prayers. This is an exciting time, but not an easy time. And it's not blissful excitement. It's guarded excitement. This is not a replacement baby for our Grady. He will always be our third child. And while we are able to find joy in our lives, the love we have for him and the hole he has left in our hearts will forever be with us all.
Love,
Tonya
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