Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tidbits from T

It's been a while! Thought I would update y'all on some happenings in our lives.

***I've been procrastinating on doing Matthew's 12 month post. And now I have to do 13 and 14 months too. He will be 15 months soon. Should I just give up? NO! My hold up has been pictures. The pictures from the photographer from his party are too big to load on blogger. She told me how to re-size them, but I can't do it on my computer. I have to do it on Gib's computer and then get the pictures on my computer somehow. I just haven't carved out the time to do it. And the more time that passes, the more angry I'm getting with myself. Grrrr.

Matthew is sick again. His cold moved to his chest and turned into an ear infection. So, antibiotics and breathing treatments are temporarily the norm for us again. Fortunately, he has been sleeping well, but his chest sounds very junky, and I'm hoping it doesn't turn into pneumonia.

He has mastered pulling up and is learning to get himself back down. He is learning to wave and immediately claps for himself after he does it. He is cutting his molars, and the bottom two have broken the skin. He loves to eat and feed himself...I'm happy to report that he's doing well with that. He also loves his sippy cup, and I hope to have him off the bottle soon. He army crawls fast as lightning and climbed the stairs the other day with very little help. So happy and thankful for his progress. Still a long way to go, but thankful for how far he has come.

***Jessica and Emma Grace are both enjoying gymnastics. They were practicing their moves last Tuesday night after getting home and Emma Grace's bottom lip met Jessica's knee cap. Yep, busted swollen lip for her. I know it hurt!

Jessica's social life has taken off. We don't see her much on the weekends. She prefers to go to her friends' houses because it is more quiet. I understand that , but we miss her! I've made a rule for no sleepovers on Saturday nights, though.

Uncle Arthur and Aunt Shannon in Colorado offered to fly the girls out next week for their fall break. It was such a sweet offer and a very appealing one for the girls. But they are not ready to fly alone and will be staying home. I sure wish Gib had fall break so we could take off close by for a few days!

***Gib's school and work load have decreased significantly for which we are so grateful. He comes home earlier, and we get so see him and spend much more time with him. He is only taking one class this semester at UGA and only has one next semester and then he will be done. Whoo Hoo!

***Gib and I got to go to another GA football game a couple of weeks ago. Now another friend has offered us their tickets for the game this weekend. This is CRAZY to me! We haven't been to a GA game in years and now we might be going to our third game this year! I just have to see if I can arrange childcare for the day. I hoping Jessica might want to go with her dad. I would love to go but she has wanted to go to a home game, too. We'll see.

***Our biological family is now officially complete. We recently closed that chapter of our lives. We are not opposed to the possibility of adoption in the future, but we are excited to see what the future holds. I will admit that I was very sad and struggled emotionally because I'm a baby-lovin' fool! I would have one or two more if my body would do it (and if my husband agreed, of course!). But deep down I knew the best thing for our family, and for me physically, was to close that door and move forward.

***I'm still working with Rock Goodbye Angel. I'm still on a volunteer basis until the funding for my part-time salary comes in. I would absolutely do this work for free because it's about the mission, not the money. But the bottom line is that I need some extra money! I would rather get paid to do what my heart desires than be paid just to do a job. We have a dinner and candlelight service planned for October 15th which is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. If you are local and are interested, please visit the website above (or call) to register for your free dinner and parking pass to the event. Or if you would like to donate to the event or organization, you can do that, too! :)

***This precious baby boy has captured my heart. His name is Tripp, and he is an amazing little drummer. I cannot imagine what he and his mommy go through every day. I just pray for them. Will you, too?

Sorry no pictures today. :( I've got to shower while Matthew is napping.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

That Time Again...

Yes, it's that time again.

There isn't a day of my life that I don't think about Grady. Especially now that Matthew is here, I wonder all things little boy and what could have been with him.

But the weather here has changed significantly in the last few days. There is a chill in the night air and the days are less humid and much cooler.

And it always makes me think of Grady. It has been almost three years since he went to heaven. Three years. Wow!

It had been a long, hot summer of being pregnant with him in 2008, so when the weather turned cooler, I was ever-so-thankful. And since the weather is doing the same now, my mind can't help but "go there".

Back to my pregnancy with him. Back to all the dreams we had of our first little boy. Back to the joy and anticipation of what it would be like to bring him home.

But none of that was meant to be. His time on this earth was short. Way too short in my opinion.

Emma Grace had to do a time line for school, and it is due tomorrow. We put a significant event from every year of her life on the time line, and she was adamant that Grady be the "event" for 2008. God love her...she has a picture of her baby brother who is not alive on her time line. She insisted that it be an "in color" picture, not a black and white. We chose, in my opinion, the best color picture of him since his right cheek was so bruised from the pressure of him being in the same position so long.

It warms my heart and makes me so happy that she thinks about him and remembers him as part of our family like she does. But, she had to remind me tonight as we were putting the picture on that she never got to see him. Grrrrr. That will forever be a regret, until the day I die. Literally. The fact that I didn't give these girls of mine the chance to see their first baby brother in person breaks my heart. But we thought, at the time, that we were doing the right thing. Hindsight really is 20/20.

And speaking of this, a good friend of mine is a teacher at Jessica's school. She has Jessica in a special group they have, and they were playing an ice breaker game called "Truth or Lies". Jessica said she had three siblings. Everyone said it was a lie. Apparently Jessica smiled and said, "No, that's the truth".

I remember after Grady died how worried I was that he would be forgotten. I can honestly say that he will never be forgotten in our immediate family. His name gets brought up, almost on a daily basis, around here. And it makes me smile.

He is my first boy. My third child. My angel waiting in heaven for me. The rainbow in the sky after a storm and the butterfly that flies in front of me. He is the reason that I have a heart for hurting people. He is one of the many reasons I look forward to heaven. Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

It's that time of year again.

And I miss him.

*If you read this tonight or tomorrow morning, Matthew has a check up with the neurologist tomorrow (Friday). If you would say a prayer that the appointment goes well, that would be wonderful. Thanks!*


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Disrepair Funnies

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this tonight. It's something light-hearted and easy and funny. To me at least.

This past weekend, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece and nephew came to visit. They live in Colorado and came for a long weekend. They spent the first part of their visit with my in-laws and finished their stay with us. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized how much our house is in disrepair and is in need of serious attention.

It started with the fact that we gave them our bedroom because it is the coolest at night...because our A/C unit is not cooling properly. (Despite the service in July where all things checked out just fine. Thank goodness cooler weather is here and we can hold off till next summer!)

As I offered Shannon (my sister-in-law) some water, I said "I'm sorry I don't have any ice, our ice maker is broken". (Fortunately we have a Brita water filter pitcher so the water was at least cold!)

We explained that the missing shingles on the roof were torn off during a storm in June. (Guess we should get on that! We have made some calls but not followed through very well).

As they were settling into our room, I showed them where our laminate is pulling away from our baseboards. It is literally shrinking and in some places has made a big bump. I didn't want the kids to trip going to the bathroom.

I also had to explain that the lamp on my nightstand was broken. Emma Grace knocked it off a long time ago and it hasn't worked since. (Yes, I tried replacing the light bulb!)

As one of them went to the trash can and placed their foot on the pedal to raise the top, I had to say, "Sorry, it's broken. You have to lift the lid."

Sunday morning as Shannon went to get coffee, I told her I would pour it because the lid to my coffee pot was broken.

I feel like I'm leaving out something that is broken in addition to all of this, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is. I find this hilarious. I've gotten used to all of these things and have just learned to live with them. But, I must admit that I was a little embarrassed at all the explaining I was having to do. I know they don't care, but it was a definite eye opener for me.

Time to start a honey-do list!

We had a great time with their family this weekend. It was too short, though. We hope to see them again soon!


Sunday, September 4, 2011

Follow Up Post...Special Needs

I don't have much time to blog tonight as Gib's brother and his family are here for their last night. But while the kids are getting a bath, minus Matthew who has been in bed for a while already, I wanted to share with you Matthew's latest achievement.

He pulled himself up yesterday on the sofa.

And I cried.

And I must add that he was trying to get Jessica's iPod. I think it's funny that he's already motivated by electronics :)

He only needed a small nudge by big sister, Jessica, the first time and was then able to do it on his own the next 4 or 5 times. It makes me so happy to see our hard work paying off. It takes him so long to build the strength to do something like this, and it feels like it will never happen. Then he "gets it" and takes off with it. He is certainly unsteady and we lend him a hand when, and if, needed. I can't wait to go to physical therapy this week and show his therapist.

Just wanted to share and have this milestone documented. Thanks so much for your comments and emails and most of all your prayers for Matthew and our family!


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Special Needs

To look at our little Matthew, you wouldn't know anything was wrong with him. It's not until you spend time with him and watch him maneuver around that you find things a little "off". So many of my friends comment on how "normal" he looks.

And he does to the untrained eye.

He also looks "normal" until I tell people he's 13 months old and answer their question of whether he's walking or not by telling them he's not pulling up by himself yet and is nowhere near walking. Shoot, he can't even get himself from lying down to a sitting position!

But, we are working on all of these things.


Some days I have more time to work with him than others. If I could, I would spend my entire day on the floor with him, but other parts of life must be taken care of. And the truth is, it wears him out when we do serious physical therapy work. It makes him use muscles that he's not accustomed to using, and he gets very frustrated with himself and me.

And it wears on my momma-heart.

I so badly want him to be able to do things that babies his age, and even younger, can do. I don't want him to be teased. I don't want him to be "different". But the truth is that he is going to be "different". To what extent, we just don't know yet.

And I'm finally starting to absorb that truth.

I've known it all along, but lately, seeing how far behind he is and how slow he's progressing, it is becoming more clear to me. Matthew is a "special needs" baby. His needs are not as great as many others in the world. And believe you me, I count my blessings for that each and every day. But if we're all honest, we don't want our children to be "different" at all. We don't want them to struggle. Life is hard enough, and kids are mean enough, without throwing in a disability on top of things.

No one will make any firm predictions about his future. I believe he will eventually walk, but he might be two or three years old before that happens. He very well may need to wear a brace on his right leg, which the physical therapist has already talked about. He rolls his right foot in when standing and turns it out when army crawling.

Through all the heartache that his physical challenges bring, it also brings so much love to my heart for him. He has no idea that he's any different from anyone else at this point in his sweet, innocent, young life. And I love that! He just loves life and we love him!

But I also cannot tell you how much I rejoice in the smallest progress that he makes. Something that so many parents just take for granted. If he feeds himself with his right hand instead of his left, I'm clapping and making a huge fuss over it. If he stands with just a small nudge on his behind instead of a big lift, I'm praising him for that, too.

I'm definitely his biggest cheerleader and rejoice in the smallest improvement. He is moving in the right direction, slowly but surely. I just have to remember to be patient. I remind myself how much worse things could be. And in the scheme of life, his disability or "special needs" really isn't that bad.

Do I wish things were different? Sure. I would be lying if I said no. But they aren't, and I'm trying to embrace that I am the mother to a "special needs" child. And from what I've heard and read from other parents to these special little ones, he will bless my socks off in ways that I could never imagine!

We love him no matter what!!!