Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Results. Seriously?!?!?

This will be short. Spoke with Dr. E. Matthew's brain bleed is gone with just iron deposits left behind which is normal.

What isn't normal is that he now has a porencephalic cyst in the area that was damaged. We will be seeing a pediatric neurologist about this. Of course I looked it up on the internet.

Guess what?

It is extremely rare!


You've got to be kidding me.

Most of the children with this have learning delays, autism, paralysis on part of their body, cerebral palsy, seizures and so forth. This only validates my observation that he uses his left arm/hand more than his right. I've been working with him on it, but we will definitely be starting physical therapy.

The radiologist who read the scan didn't give any specific measurements of the cyst or its exact location. We will have to wait to see the neurologist for this. I have no idea if these things can grow or what.

I know more MRI's will be in our future. And Lord only knows what else.

I know God is in control, and He has a plan for our precious boy. I love Matthew regardless. But I sure wish he could catch a break!

Isn't he just the cutest?!

Will post more later. I'm still processing this, but I'm already praying...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Tidbits from T

*I'm sad that Thanksgiving break is over. Gib and the girls will be heading back to work and school tomorrow. This week flew by!

*We put up our Christmas tree on Thanksgiving night. It is completely decorated, but the other decorations are still in boxes/containers. Someone needs to get busy!

*Gib commented last night about how great the girls have gotten along this week. And they really have. They spent time playing on the computer, reading, playing their electronic gadgets and making their Christmas lists. Yes, plural. For Santa and Mom and Dad. They have enjoyed staying in their pj's most every day, only to change into more pj's after showering. I will miss them tomorrow for sure!

*The girls and I were able to successfully fight off our cold/crud this week. But poor Matthew has succumb to the sneezes and stuffy/runny nose. I hate it for him. Gib and I were up all night (literally) last night with him in the rocking chair. He slept as long as we were holding him, but we didn't sleep much at all. Hopefully it is just a cold and won't turn into anything more. Insurance denied his Synagis vaccine for RSV. Uggh.

*This cold is going to interrupt his good sleeping habits, I'm afraid. He was going to bed at 7-8pm and sleeping until 6-7am. In his own bed! He was just settling into somewhat of a good nap schedule, too. Hopefully, he will get back on track when his stuffiness goes away.

*I was so mad Friday. I started calling the doctor's office at 10am and continuously got a busy signal. Then at noon I got the after hours paging service. I will post the results of Matthew's MRI tomorrow when I get them. They better have them!

*Matthew had his first taste of formula yesterday. I only gave him an ounce with one of his feedings, but he will get another ounce today. I want to slowly introduce him to it. I'm down to four bags of breast milk in the freezer. Sad! I anticipate that he will get anywhere from 3-5 ounces of formula a day.

*I had such a hard time keeping track of what day it was this past week. After Thanksgiving, it really got bad. I thought Thursday was Friday and Friday was Saturday. It doesn't feel like today is Sunday either, probably because we didn't go to church.

*I have more to say but Matthew is crying. Will post again tomorrow.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving Two Years Ago

This is the third time I've started this post. It started out entitled Thankful Tidbits. But as I started writing, it has turned into my reflections on my Thanksgiving two years ago right after Grady went to heaven.

So, that's where I'm headed.

But I do want to say that I'm so very thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. For without Him, I would be nothing. I'm thankful for his love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I'm thankful for His promises. I'm thankful for the gift of salvation and hope of heaven that I have through my very own (salvation that is). I'm thankful for how He has been with me every step of the last two years.

I reflected on my Thanksgiving two years ago. I wasn't speaking to God. To say that I was mad would be an understatement. I had already lost my mom and dad, all of my grandparents, a miscarriage and almost Emma Grace. Now the baby who had lived and grown inside of me was dead, too. I really just felt like He needed to go pick on someone else. Maybe one of those people whose life seemed to be perfect (even though I know there's no such thing).

I didn't want to be around anyone. I couldn't stand the "elephant" in the room. Everyone wanted to talk about Grady and then they didn't. So no one would say anything. And he was all I wanted to talk about, but no one really wanted to listen because then they would have to talk and they didn't know what to say. A vicious, evil circle.

We didn't get together with our families, Instead we went to dinner at the Cracker Barrel and then to Lake Lanier to see the Nights of Lights. At the end of the lights was a mini carnival. We had no idea that it was there, but of course the girls wanted to play. So we did. It was fun. It really was a great memory-maker, but I couldn't help but think of how I should have been home with my newborn. I wanted to grab strangers and tell them that my baby had just died. We all (me, Gib and the girls) rode our first Ferris wheel together. It was fun, but the seat belt hurt my incision from my c-section. I remember being on the very top waiting for people below to load, looking out over the clear, dark, cold night and longing for my Baby Grady.

I remember coming home and after everyone was in bed, I watched my Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep DVD that I have of Grady and cried and cried. I couldn't talk to God, or rather I chose not to. Instead I got a brand new journal and just started writing. I thought maybe if I wrote my thoughts and feelings out, He would hear me still without me having to actually pray. (It wasn't until the end of January before I started speaking to God again. I'm not proud of that at all. I'm not boasting about it. It's just the truth. And believe me, I've asked for His forgiveness. I wish I could be as forgiving as Him. It's something I'm working on and something that I believe He's working on in me.)

I'm going to be very vulnerable and share with you what I wrote. I'm truly not sure why I'm writing this tonight, except that maybe I need to OR maybe someone needs to read it. Remember this was very early in my grief, just a couple of weeks after Grady's death. The pain was raw and real. Here goes...

Dear God,

I just don't understand! Why did you need Grady in heaven so bad? We wanted him here with us. I feel like you teased me with a pregnancy and a healthy baby and then cheated me at the end. We weren't going to have any more children. He was a surprise. I really felt like he was meant to be here & complete our family. I always would think of having more children but was so scared of going through the prematurity struggles again. I would always hear the words "ye of little faith" in my head. Lord, I trusted you and had faith that you would protect Baby Grady and bring him here healthy and safe. You did neither. He was alive in me one minute and gone the next. He will always be my son, my third child. I will cherish the 36 weeks and 5 days he spent growing inside of me - feeling his every move. But Lord it doesn't seem right and it's SO NOT FAIR! I know you have your reasons for taking him, but WHY HIM? WHY US? WHY ME AGAIN? Why did you take someone else that I love? Am I that bad of a person? Is this some sort of punishment? I just wish I knew! I try to remind myself often, even right now, that you have plans to prosper and not harm me, but it doesn't feel that way at this point in my life. There are people who don't want their babies, abuse them, even kill them. I am not one of those people. But you didn't take their babies from them. Lord, I'm hurt, heartbroken to the core, deeper than I ever thought I could hurt. I'm mad, confused, frustrated, feeling guilty and blaming myself for what I maybe could have done differently. Yet I am so thankful to you Lord for Gib, Jessica and Emma Grace - for the blessings that they are in my life. Lord, please don't take them from me too - PLEASE! I'm having a hard time praying right now, but I knew you would listen and know my heart even if I wrote it down. Lord, as much as I am hurting and blaming you for this - for taking Baby Grady - I do need your help to get through this. I can't do this alone. No one understands what I'm going through. This deep dark pit that I've fallen into and can't get out of. There's light all around me - Gib, the girls, the world keeps on moving - but there I am. Stuck. Lonely. Sad to the point of despair. It hurts so bad that it's hard to breathe at times. I know that time will make it easier but I'll never get over losing this precious baby boy. But Lord, I need help getting through this. The days are so long. My mind never stops. Everything plays over and over in my head. Now I'm starting to have regrets, but at the time we did what we thought was the right thing. I didn't want the girls to remember seeing their baby brother laying there lifeless. Now Jessica says she wanted to see him and my guess is that Emma Grace did too. We should have asked them - I feel so guilty about that. I was trying to protect their hearts as much as I could. I thought pictures would be good enough and then they could form their own images of him. Hopefully they will forgive me one day and I can forgive myself too. I wish that even though we took pictures, we didn't take enough. We should have taken more. I wish I had a picture of me holding him. I wish I had held him more, even though I was blessed to hold him as much as I did. I wish I had sang to him the songs the girls love for me to sing. Those are a few of my regrets. Most of all, I wish I was holding him right now or nursing him or wishing he would go to sleep because I was exhausted from being up all night with him. But instead the reality is, I'm writing in this journal, pouring my heart and feelings out to you God, desperately needing your help to work through this. In Jesus Name, Amen

So, I guess it was sort of a prayer, considering how I ended it.

It is amazing to see how far I've come in this grief process. I think about Grady and miss him every day. I always will. But there is no way you could have told me two years ago that I would be holding another baby boy who I'm madly in love with. I was never going to be pregnant again! I just knew my heart couldn't dare be set up for such heartache again.

But hold another boy I have been...And loving every minute of it! I'm so thankful God led us to the decision to try again. For if we had not, a true gift and blessing would have been squelched. I'm thankful for my whole family, and I'm thankful to be where I am right now.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Quick Update

Hello all! I'm too tired for much tonight, and I almost didn't even get on the computer. But, I felt that I at least owed it to those of you, who read and pray for our family, to let you know that Matthew did great with his MRI today!

I woke him up at 3:30 to feed him, and he wasn't a bit hungry before he went in at 8:40 for his scan. Miracle! He barely goes three hours during the day between feedings without crying to eat! He cried minimally, mainly fussed, getting his IV, which did take two sticks. He didn't have any adverse reactions to the sedation. (He didn't fight it nearly as bad as Jessica did at age two when she had this done.) We were out of there and home by 11am, and the hospital is almost an hour away.

Overall, it was a good day. Hopefully we will have his results back Friday. We would get them tomorrow, but since it's Thanksgiving and the doctor's office is closed, we have to wait. I will post the results when I have them.

I woke up at 2:30 to pump and did get a two hour nap this afternoon, but I'm pooped and heading for bed now. Well, after I pump again that is. The girls and I are trying to get sick, I'm afraid. They have stuffy noses, and so do I, along with a scratchy throat. I just feel run down. Hopefully some good rest will do me some good.

Thanks again for the prayers!

Nighty night!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I can't tell you how I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm having such a hard time with this whole MRI thing. I'm trying really hard to keep things in perspective.

This is just a test. It's non-invasive except for the needle stick to start his IV. He isn't having surgery like so many babies have daily. This is really minor compared to what we could be going through. I realize that. And I also know that many parents wish their baby was just having a MRI tomorrow instead of something more serious.

But ...I have all sorts of crazy fears related to the procedure. I'll just share a few...

I'm afraid that he will have some sort of negative side effects from the sedation.

I'm afraid that he will have a hard time coming out of the sedation.

I'm afraid that he will reflux and aspirate while on the MRI table, even though he won't have anything to eat after 4am.

I'm afraid they won't be able to get his IV started without multiple sticks.

I'm afraid he will be cold while on that hard table (not that he will know it).

I'm afraid he is going to be miserable and screaming hungry before the test and there is nothing I can do about it.

And as much as I want to know the status of this brain bleed, I'm afraid of what the results might be.

The bottom line is that I need to just stop worrying and give it to God. I need to rest in the fact that he is in control of this whole situation. And it could be a whole lot worse.

Will you pray with us and for us?


I knew you would!

I will be so glad when it's all over!


Saturday, November 20, 2010

Matthew at 4 Months

(See the bubbles on his chin just below his bottom lip? One of his favorite things to do these days is drool and blow bubbles!)

I say this every time I write a post like this, but I can't believe Matthew is already 4 months old! I really don't know where the time has gone. I just know it's passing way too quickly.

As usual, I'm late in getting this written. He turned 4 months on Monday, November 16th. I took him for his check up that day. He weighed in at a whopping 14 pounds, 2 ounces (35th percentile), and he is 23 3/4 inches long (10th percentile). For some crazy reason, my doctor is not using an adjusted age for his stats, so Matthew is holding his own pretty well. I bet his percentiles would be much higher on an adjusted scale. Dr. E is cutting him a little slack where his motor development is concerned, but praise God, not much has been needed.

For the life of me, I can't get any good pictures of him smiling at the camera. He always turns his head!

Let's see what's new with this little guy...

First and foremost, HE HAS STOPPED HOLDING HIS BREATH WHEN HE EATS! Praise the Lord! And it was like magic. I started to see a little improvement around his 3 month birthday, but one day something just clicked, and he hasn't held his breath since. You just don't know what a relief it is. I can finally cradle him in my arm during feeds instead of propping him on my leg with his head in my hand to give me better control.

He was holding his breath with breast and bottle, but I always said that once he stopped, I would try to nurse him again. And try I did. But only twice. As I expected, it didn't go very well. And I'm okay with it. I'm still pumping (about 30-34 ounces a day!) and he's still getting nothing but breast milk. If I'm honest, I kinda like the freedom it gives me. In a way, I'm still a slave to the pump, but I'm only pumping about 6 times a day. It's manageable.

I decided not to start him on solids just yet. If I can, I want to hold off until he gets his first tooth. With the way his appetite is increasing, I may not be able to wait that long, but we will see. He eats 6 ounces every 3 hours. Sometimes he doesn't make it a full 3 hours, and I'm not such a stickler...if he's hungry, I feed him! His last full bottle is around 6pm. He gets a little "night cap" of 2-3 ounces between 7:30-8:30 before he goes to bed.

Speaking of bed, he slept the whole night in his crib for the first time last night! It's such a mix for me. On one hand it's a YAY! On the other it's a BOO HOO! He's growing up! Call me a wimp, but I can't let him cry it out. I tried early in the week. I let him cry for 15 minutes and caved. I can handle the fussing, but not the pitiful cry and screaming. He was hoarse for two days afterwards! It broke my heart, and I felt like the worst mom ever. I've been trying to catch him before he gets overtired. I rock and sing a couple of songs and put him down drowsy but awake. Granted he has his paci to soothe him, but he has been falling asleep alone. And he spits his paci out within 10 minutes of going to sleep. When I put him in his crib last night at 8:45, I fully expected to transfer him to my bed later (he has been starting out in my bed and staying there). But that sweet boy didn't make a peep until 5:15 this morning. I gave him his paci, and he slept until 7:10. WOW! He has been sleeping like a champ in the bed with me, but this was the first time in his own bed. I'm anxious to see what tonight holds... (It is now Sunday morning and I'm trying to finish this post. Seems it wasn't a fluke...he slept in his crib from 8:15 last night until 7 this morning. I didn't have to give him his paci once. Big boy. Now, if he could get his naps to go just as well...)

Motor wise, he is holding his head up pretty much by himself with just a little bobbing. He has found that he can stand on his feet, but I don't let him do it for too long. He loves his hands, especially his left one. I'm a little concerned because he doesn't move his right arm/hand as much as his left. The only reason I'm concerned is because his brain bleed was on the left side. He has started swatting at the toys on the toy bar of his bouncy seat. He kicks his legs with equal gusto and strength which has become one of my favorite things to watch when I change his diaper. He gets so excited for himself. He likes to be in the swing and just last night found the mirror above him.

He hasn't rolled over yet, but he's working on it with some help from Mommy. He likes to be on his activity mat when we try this.

He has tummy time every day. Sometimes on just the flat surface of his crib or the activity mat. Sometimes propped up on his boppy pillow. He loves to look at himself in the mirror. His hands are the perfect snack to help him through his hard work!

He loves to "talk" to me and his smile just melts my heart. He will lock eyes with me for a long time, and we converse back and forth with each other. It is one of my most favorite things about him right now.

He is wearing 3-6 and 6 month clothes, depending on how they're made. I have had dilemma over sleepers lately. I'm so picky. I have found that I'm not crazy about sleepers with zippers because of the huge hump that it creates on his chest. I love the snap ones. The other problem is that his feet don't stay in the feet part, so when he stretches and kicks his legs, his toes get squished. Sigh. I try to think about what would be comfortable to me, and neither of those would be. One night he slept in a white onesie, soft pants and socks. I guess I need to find sleepers with snaps and without feet. Picky or what!?!?

He is in size 1-2 diapers. I think he will be a Pampers baby because leaks from these Huggies far too often for my liking.

I can't think of much more to update about him. He looks a lot like his sisters when they were babies, especially Jessica. Maybe I can get Gib to scan a few pictures to compare at some point. He's growing like a weed and is developing his personality nicely. He's still a very good baby. He has fussy times like all babies do, but I find that if I put him down for a nap soon enough, he's much happier. He had a few days of just plain ole being unhappy, and I realized he was overtired. He can only stay up for about 1 to 1 1/2 hours at a time.

His MRI is coming up this Wednesday, November 24th, the day before Thanksgiving. Please pray for him and us. I will wake him up at 2:30 to feed him because he can't have anything to eat after 3am. We check in at 7am and his scan is at 8am. Please pray that he won't be screaming hungry, and if he is that his paci will soothe him enough to get him through. He was a hard stick in the NICU, so please pray that they can get his IV started easily. (I wish Suzanne could go with us and start it for them!) Please pray that he will do well with the sedation and not have any negative side effects, that he will stay still for the scan, and most importantly that the scan will be clear!

Dr. E also discovered that he has a hydrocele, which is fluid in one of his testicles. From what I've read it's pretty common and most of them close themselves. I think his is a communicating hydrocele because I notice that it's smaller in the morning and larger in the evening. This means there is still an opening between his abdomen and testicle and fluid can flow freely between the two. These more commonly require surgery than a noncommunicating one. Time will tell. I'm praying that it will close before he turns one and that it doesn't get worse or develop into a hernia. (I've read too much as usual!)

I hope to post about Grady's birthday soon. Have a great weekend!


Sunday, November 14, 2010





Harder than Friday by far.

This was the day that I was scheduled for my c-section with Grady. The day that, had he lived, he would have turned two.

This was also the day, two years ago, that I held him for the last time.

Kissed his sweet, soft, chubby cheek for the last time.

And told him goodbye.

For now.

I think it was harder this year because, in many ways, I don't feel validated in my grief anymore. I don't feel like I can really express my sadness over Grady. Even to my husband.

And for some crazy reason, every time I express grief or sadness, I immediately feel like I need to defend myself and proclaim my gratefulness for the blessing of my living children.


Joy and sorrow can co-exist. Grief and thankfulness can, too.

The End.

Friday, November 12, 2010

November 12, 2010

Happy 2nd Birthday Grady!

I spent the day reflecting on your life, death and birth. I wish they weren't in that order. I know you're safe and happy in heaven and for that I'm grateful. I rest in that truth. And as much as I long to see and hold you, I wouldn't wish you back here. I long for the day our family is together in heaven with you.

We released balloons, went to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner and made cupcakes for your birthday. I hope you felt our love from here in heaven.

We miss you and love you bunches sweet boy!

Hugs and Kisses to Heaven,


I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence. I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake in which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my ♥. ~author unknown~

You have no idea how much I love this boy. Amazing how such a strong love can grow in such a short time and how it will last a lifetime!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thoughts Today

I have no idea where this post is going or from where it is coming. I just need to write. So many things are floating around in my brain.

Yesterday, I couldn't get out of my mind the fact that it was the last full day Grady was alive two years ago. On said day, I was ignorantly blissful that we only had four days until he would be born. On this day today, we were down to three. Again, blinded as to what was to come. Excited about what was to be and who would be arriving in such a short time.

I can't help but think back to last year, too. So, to remember more clearly, I just read this post that I wrote a year ago. I was so thankful to my sweet friend Jenny for coming to give me a hug. For recognizing it was a tough time for me.

***Speaking of Jenny, she survived 94 days of bed rest and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on November 5th. Her name is Ruth, and both mom and baby are home and doing well.***

It's tough this year, too. In some ways, I think it's harder than last year. I attribute that to the fact that my beautiful Matthew is here. Let me be very clear that he is his own person. Not one second do I mistake him for Grady or wish he was Grady or think he is Grady. However, Matthew is a living baby boy. Praise the Lord for the gift of his life! He is living, and as much as I would love to deny it, I can't. He is a reminder, in many ways, of who is not living. A reminder of someone who never had a chance at life outside of my womb.

And even though I've said it many times before, I will say this again...

I cannot imagine my life without Matthew!

Yet, I still grieve Grady.

And I know, truly know, that if Grady had lived, Matthew would not be here.


I can't choose between the two in my heart, nor do I want to. It becomes gray and cloudy. It is not black and white when it comes to my love and feelings for my two boys. Just like I could never choose between my two living little girls.

What IS very clear is this...

God's plan included Matthew as a living part of our family. God's plan for Grady was for him to live only inside of me. Grady's purpose was fulfilled in the 36 weeks and 4 days that his heart beat inside of me.

I can't tell you the number of people who have looked at Matthew and said, "See, everything happens for a reason." It happened just yesterday. It doesn't make me angry, but it does make me want to shout the importance of Grady's life and that Matthew doesn't take his place.

I know I'm a broken record. So, I'll stop.

I doubt that I will be able to retreat and journal to Grady this afternoon between 4:30 and 5 like I did last year around the time he died. In fact, it has been a very long time since I've written in my Grady journal. I will, however, sit at the dinner table and probably remember that's where I first suspected something wasn't right. I couldn't sit at the dinner table last year on this day.

Other thoughts to share...

I had an amazing "conversation" with Matthew a bit ago. He "talked" to me in his sweet, baby voice and flashed his cute smile, and I wished our video camera was charged. How terrible...we haven't videoed since we left the NICU. BAD MOM!

I am finally reading "The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer". I've had the book since Emma Grace was a baby. I went looking for my Dr. Sears "The Baby Book" and found that one instead. Seems I got rid of the other one. The book talks a lot about respecting your babies. I've always tried to respect my children, and I've been thinking a lot about those who don't.

Speaking of, as I was taking Emma Grace to school this morning, we came up to a stop sign to see an unpleasant exchange between a young boy and his father. This boy was clearly upset, trying to fight back tears. His father was angry and the boy snatched his book from him just as the bus came. As the father walked away, the boy yelled something across the street. My heart literally broke for that boy. I prayed aloud for him as we left the subdivision. I don't know details and the boy could have clearly been in the wrong. But, as parents, we set the tone for our children's day. Don't get me wrong. There are definitely mornings when things don't go as smoothly as I would like. But I always try to send the girls off with them knowing I love them and with things resolved so they don't dread coming home or carry the situation with them throughout their day. I'm afraid that young boy isn't very happy today nor is he going to want to go home this afternoon...

I'm trying hard to get Matthew to love sleeping in his crib. He struggles to go to sleep, and I've never been one to let my babies cry it out. He will go to sleep, but he won't stay asleep. I haven't tried at night yet. I'm just still trying to get him to nap well in his crib. He's having a bit harder of a time than the girls did. I'm open to suggestions!

I've always loved the ultimate crib sheets for babies. It was my most favorite baby product with the girls because I never had to change the fitted crib sheet. But I noticed with the two new ones I have that they smell awful. I wash them, but there is a "chemical" smell to them. Well, turns out the lining on the new ones is now made of PVC. I don't even have a PVC shower liner in the girls' shower! It is still on Matthew's bed for now, but rest assured it won't stay. As I was feeding him last night, I got the idea to make my own. They can't be that hard, especially if using the current ones as a guide. I'm hoping to enlist Aunt Barbara's help, and if she can't help me, I'll have to find someone else who can sew. I can't stand the thought of Matthew inhaling those chemicals.

I think we will make cupcakes this year for Grady's birthday. I don't think I'm up for another rainbow cake. When making cupcakes, I usually go for white cake with vanilla frosting. But, I really love yellow cake with chocolate icing. If I make those, we can put blue letters on top of them to spell his name and whatever else we would like to say. Well, within 24 characters at least. We talked about going out to dinner. We'll see...

I wonder if this day is celebrated in heaven? The one when someone enters the pearly gates to sit/stand at Jesus's feet and walk streets of gold... If so, I'm sure it's an amazing time. I can only imagine!


Sunday, November 7, 2010

An Unexpected Turn

Yeah, I know. I need to complete my pumpkin patch post. And I will.

But this is easy to post because it's just words. No pictures.

I went to a Pampered Chef party yesterday at my friend Amy Ellen's. I had been looking forward to it for a while and was super excited about ordering one of their can openers. Toward the end of the party, I was in the kitchen talking to several of the ladies. Somehow Grady was brought up. I honestly don't remember how his name was mentioned, but it happened naturally.

I knew one of the ladies from the preschool when she would pick up her granddaughters. She started asking questions about him and soon everyone was listening to the story of Grady. I loved it. And yet, I didn't. I always love talking about Grady. Honoring him by talking about him. Remembering him with others who didn't even know him, or me for that matter.

As the questions continued, Amy Ellen quietly got up and opened her cabinet. She pulled out Grady's birth announcement.


I couldn't believe she still had it from two years ago. I can't tell you how that touched my heart. (Thank you AE!) She handed it to the grandmother who then passed it around to the other ladies. I'm not real sure how they felt about looking at a dead baby, but tears welled up in their eyes as they gazed upon him.

I can tell you that I was feeling quite proud of my Grady in that moment. The beautiful boy that God created so perfectly inside of me two years ago.

That really wasn't how I pictured the party in my mind in the days leading up to it. It definitely took an unexpected turn, one that I'm not sure was okay or not. But it was what it was. They encouraged the conversation to continue. But I guess I needed to talk about him, too.

It is amazing how strong these feelings of grief still are...

And it's amazing that I'm feeling like this year might be harder than last when it comes to his heaven day and birthday.



Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Sneak Peek

I have a post written about our family day at the pumpkin patch and Halloween, but I haven't been able to upload the pictures yet.

This morning I had an email from April who came to my house and took Matthew's newborn pictures. She sent me a sneak peek, and I wanted to share them with you.

I can't wait to see the rest!

I'm so proud of his growth, but it makes me sad, too. The time is absolutely flying!