Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


I can't believe it's 10:30, and I'm just starting this post! It may be early for some of you, but it's already past my bedtime. Gib's clock goes off at 4am. I don't get up with him, but good sleep escapes me after that (if it ever came before!).

Just to let you know, there may not be a Wednesday's Walk for me tomorrow. The fourth part of Grady's service might come next week. We'll see how I'm feeling when tomorrow comes...

Anyway, I wish that I was writing from a better "emotional place" tonight, but the truth is, I'm not. I'm still not doing so great. In fact, I feel like I'm drowning in my anger and resentment and grief. Now, I just plain feel "trapped"!

There are very few people in my real life (I say in my real life, compared to my "blog life" because unfortunately, there are many in my "blog life" who DO know this journey and are on it with me right now!) who really understand what this journey is like. For that, I am SOOO thankful because I wouldn't wish this pain and heartache on my worst enemy. (And by now, I may have a few. No really, I'm serious!)

I have tried really hard the last few days to "snap out of it". But who am I kidding? Myself obviously! I can't just snap out of it! I want to, though, because the grief is unbearable at times. The grief feels like a ton of bricks on my chest, making it hard to breathe. The grief isn't just going to "go away" like I would like for it to or like others think it should. Grief is HARD work and I know it! But I'm ready for it to get a little easier and instead, I feel like it's getting harder! Its been almost six months since Grady died, but it's not getting easier!

I had a great morning with Ebe. After enjoying the morning outside over coffee, we went to pick up a necklace and charm that I ordered with Grady's name engraved on it. It turned out to be beautiful! I will try to take a picture of it and post it soon. My day went downhill from there...

I really can't share all of my day, but I did have a phone conversation that was hard. I had received a postcard in the mail to call and update my alumni information from nursing school. I was tired of looking at it, so I called. As we were going over children, I had to include Grady. He IS my child! The feeling of betrayal is far worse than any "uncomfortableness" (is that even a word?) brought on by talking about him. He IS my child! She said, "Well, we can just put his name and put deceased by it."



That was hard to swallow. Real hard.

I know my baby is dead. But hearing someone say that she can record his name with deceased next to it, just made it......I don't know. I really don't know what it made it. It's already real, so I can't say it made it real. It didn't even make it final. For once, I'm at a loss of words to describe how that moment felt...

Then I go to the grocery store and see people not even dressing their babies to go to the store, nothing but a diaper! Seriously! Maybe at home on a hot day, but to the store...into the store??? (Sorry to offend anyone who may have done this, but I think we all should wear clothes in a public place, except the pool of course and then a swim diaper is appropriate!)

Gimme A Break!

Having said all of that, I do feel trapped. Let me try to explain...

I feel...

...trapped, inside of a mind, my mind, that won't stop thinking about the "Why's?" and "What if's?" That can't stop thinking about Grady.

...trapped inside of a body, my body, that aches, physically and literally, for my baby boy. My body, that aches with grief. My body, that feels like it will explode at any second. My body, that always has tears right behind my eyes and a big lump in my throat. My body, that is exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.

...trapped inside of a world that has NO CLUE what it is like to lose a baby.

...trapped inside of a world with insensitive people who know what you've been through, yet make insensitive comments nonetheless.

...trapped inside of a world where people still ask "What's wrong?" "Why are you sad?"

...trapped inside of a house where everyone knows I'm hurting but no one really wants to "go there" because of the tears that come along with it. After all, no one likes to see "Mommy" or "T" cry.

...trapped in a web of Satan's lies and stronghold on me.

...trapped inside of a real-life nightmare that I just can't wake up from, no matter how hard I try!

I know that God is here. He is closer than I think. It's just so hard to feel Him and find Him lately! I've said it before, and I'll say it again, HE'S ALL I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO! HE GIVES ME HOPE! I Accept. I Trust. In spite of the fact that I don't like it!

Tonya (It is now 11:40 - I'm crazy - good night!)


  1. Oh Tonya, I am struggling right along side of you as tomorrow is 6 months to the day that Samuel has been in our Saviour's presence. I am praying for you right now. May our gracious God give us comfort and peace. I hope you slept well:) I am so glad you counted Grady... He will always be your 3rd born... so sweet... so precious and special, your son. Thinking of you

  2. I am so, so sorry, Tonya.
    I wish I could stand alongside you when those moments come where people just don't get it and say awfully insensitive things.
    Maybe we would be stronger together than we are by ourselves.
    I just wish this wasn't so hard. I'm so sorry.

    love you,

  3. Tonya,

    I know what it's like to be surrounded by friends and people who have no clue what you and I are and have gone through. The things you wrote brought back memories of the way I felt. I was not in the blogging world at the time and I literally felt like I was the only one who had lost a baby. I knew I really wasn't, but so many times I felt that people just ignored the situation and acted as if nothing happened. Some people compared the loss of Kyler to a first trimester miscarriage. I had a miscarriage before Kyler and yes it hurt, but there is no comparison to carrying one full term.

    It is very normal to be feeling the way you are. Grief is such a hard thing. I am so glad you mention Grady as your child and included him. I know that there are some people that don't include their children who are in heaven. We always mention Kyler when people ask if Karsten is our only child. It is a great opportunity to share Christ with others.

    Tonya, I am praying for you. God will continue to heal you. Even after five years I still have my moments and probably will until I'm in heaven. It does get easier, but we will always miss our babies. You are not alone. First and foremost your loving Father is with you and will never let go of you. And you have many people praying for you.

    Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Remember that you are in the palms of God's hands. He loves you so!!


  4. Tonya,
    Checking in to see how you're doing. I can relate to what's going on and you're NOT crazy. You're a mom whose baby is out of her reach and that such an awful feeling. It's hard to do anything or understand anything when you JUST WANT YOUR BABY BACK!
    Praying for peace and comfort for you from the Holy Spirit and that no matter how deep your despair is, that you always know TRUTH!