I can't believe it's 10:30, and I'm just starting this post! It may be early for some of you, but it's already past my bedtime. Gib's clock goes off at 4am. I don't get up with him, but good sleep escapes me after that (if it ever came before!).
Just to let you know, there may not be a Wednesday's Walk for me tomorrow. The fourth part of Grady's service might come next week. We'll see how I'm feeling when tomorrow comes...
Anyway, I wish that I was writing from a better "emotional place" tonight, but the truth is, I'm not. I'm still not doing so great. In fact, I feel like I'm drowning in my anger and resentment and grief. Now, I just plain feel "trapped"!
There are very few people in my real life (I say in my real life, compared to my "blog life" because unfortunately, there are many in my "blog life" who DO know this journey and are on it with me right now!) who really understand what this journey is like. For that, I am SOOO thankful because I wouldn't wish this pain and heartache on my worst enemy. (And by now, I may have a few. No really, I'm serious!)
I have tried really hard the last few days to "snap out of it". But who am I kidding? Myself obviously! I can't just snap out of it! I want to, though, because the grief is unbearable at times. The grief feels like a ton of bricks on my chest, making it hard to breathe. The grief isn't just going to "go away" like I would like for it to or like others think it should. Grief is HARD work and I know it! But I'm ready for it to get a little easier and instead, I feel like it's getting harder! Its been almost six months since Grady died, but it's not getting easier!
I had a great morning with Ebe. After enjoying the morning outside over coffee, we went to pick up a necklace and charm that I ordered with Grady's name engraved on it. It turned out to be beautiful! I will try to take a picture of it and post it soon. My day went downhill from there...
I really can't share all of my day, but I did have a phone conversation that was hard. I had received a postcard in the mail to call and update my alumni information from nursing school. I was tired of looking at it, so I called. As we were going over children, I had to include Grady. He IS my child! The feeling of betrayal is far worse than any "uncomfortableness" (is that even a word?) brought on by talking about him. He IS my child! She said, "Well, we can just put his name and put deceased by it."
That was hard to swallow. Real hard.
I know my baby is dead. But hearing someone say that she can record his name with deceased next to it, just made it......I don't know. I really don't know what it made it. It's already real, so I can't say it made it real. It didn't even make it final. For once, I'm at a loss of words to describe how that moment felt...
Then I go to the grocery store and see people not even dressing their babies to go to the store, nothing but a diaper! Seriously! Maybe at home on a hot day, but to the store...into the store??? (Sorry to offend anyone who may have done this, but I think we all should wear clothes in a public place, except the pool of course and then a swim diaper is appropriate!)
Gimme A Break!
Having said all of that, I do feel trapped. Let me try to explain...
...trapped, inside of a mind, my mind, that won't stop thinking about the "Why's?" and "What if's?" That can't stop thinking about Grady.
...trapped inside of a body, my body, that aches, physically and literally, for my baby boy. My body, that aches with grief. My body, that feels like it will explode at any second. My body, that always has tears right behind my eyes and a big lump in my throat. My body, that is exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.
...trapped inside of a world that has NO CLUE what it is like to lose a baby.
...trapped inside of a world with insensitive people who know what you've been through, yet make insensitive comments nonetheless.
...trapped inside of a world where people still ask "What's wrong?" "Why are you sad?"
...trapped inside of a house where everyone knows I'm hurting but no one really wants to "go there" because of the tears that come along with it. After all, no one likes to see "Mommy" or "T" cry.
...trapped in a web of Satan's lies and stronghold on me.
...trapped inside of a real-life nightmare that I just can't wake up from, no matter how hard I try!
I know that God is here. He is closer than I think. It's just so hard to feel Him and find Him lately! I've said it before, and I'll say it again, HE'S ALL I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO! HE GIVES ME HOPE! I Accept. I Trust. In spite of the fact that I don't like it!
Tonya (It is now 11:40 - I'm crazy - good night!)