Thankful Reflection

I can't believe that one year ago today we brought our sweet boy home from the hospital! I remember the chaos of that day...trying to get things ready at home, both girls had open house at school, and crazy me took the time to write this post.

The next day, I shared some pictures of his homecoming in this blog post.

Words truly cannot express the thankfulness I have in my heart today.

For Matthew.

For Emma Grace.

For Jessica.

For Grady in heaven.

For Gib.

And for my heavenly father, without whom I would have none of these blessings in my life.

Thank you Lord for my beautiful children, both in heaven and here on earth. Thank you for my wonderful husband who loves me when I'm hard to love. Thank you for our extended family and the friends you've brought into my life. Thank you for your love, your Son and the gift of His life. Thank you for the promise and hope of heaven.

Pictures like these warm my heart beyond words.


Have a great weekend!

Love,
Tonya

Today, I'm Thankful

This day has already started out much better than yesterday. I'm so, so very thankful. Let me explain...

My morning started off yesterday with Gib sharing some news that made me very angry. I cannot go into details here, but it has nothing to do with our marriage or our immediate family. Everything is fine on the "home front". But to say I was angry would be an understatement. I was furious, and I let him know. I wasn't mad at him, I was mad about an upcoming situation that I'm dreading oh so much. I threw Matthew's dirty diaper on the ground and said some not-so-nice things. I don't curse often, but I did yesterday. NOT a good way to start the Lord's day to say the least.

I showered and got ready for church, but Buddy needed to go out once more to finish his business. I was holding Matthew, put Buddy on the leash and out we went. I walked down to the sidewalk, and my sweet friend from down the street was walking with two of her children, one in a stroller. Buddy got excited, but I parked him and told him to stay. I expected him to obey. I turned to say something to her, and Buddy took off. He spun me and Matthew around so fast I didn't know what was happening. I tried to hold onto him simply because I didn't want him to scare my friend's children. He was excited but to see an 80 pound dog running after you can be quite scary. I couldn't hold him, though. He drug Matthew and I into the street, and we took an ugly, ugly fall. I still have asphalt in my elbow.

I am sore today. I have a raw elbow and two skinned knees, small cuts on my foot and a broken toe. It is truly only by the grace of God that Matthew is okay. I fell on top of him and his head scraped the road, but it is superficial and you can hardly tell today. Once we fell, we actually kept sliding. Somehow my left arm/elbow shielded him from the road. It felt like Matthew's head hit hard, and he was screaming. I literally saw his life as we know it flash before my eyes as I was heading back into the house. I just knew we were going to be heading to the hospital with a head injury. S.C.A.R.Y. He cried but never threw up or tried to go to sleep. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I realized he was okay.

Today, I am so, so very thankful. Thinking back on yesterday morning just makes me sick to my stomach.

To my sweet friend who was there yesterday, I know you feel bad, but please, please don't! It's not your fault that my dog cannot control himself! I so-very-much appreciate your help in getting Buddy back into the house and you looking out for Emma Grace, too. I hope your children weren't too scared, and soon I'm sure the memory of seeing me fly across the road will actually be pretty funny!

Today, I'm thankful for a new day. For a baby who is alive and well. For good friends. And for the loving grace and mercy of my Heavenly Father who guarded and protected Matthew yesterday.

Thank you, Lord!

Love,
Tonya

Thanksgiving Two Years Ago

This is the third time I've started this post. It started out entitled Thankful Tidbits. But as I started writing, it has turned into my reflections on my Thanksgiving two years ago right after Grady went to heaven.

So, that's where I'm headed.

But I do want to say that I'm so very thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. For without Him, I would be nothing. I'm thankful for his love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I'm thankful for His promises. I'm thankful for the gift of salvation and hope of heaven that I have through my very own (salvation that is). I'm thankful for how He has been with me every step of the last two years.

I reflected on my Thanksgiving two years ago. I wasn't speaking to God. To say that I was mad would be an understatement. I had already lost my mom and dad, all of my grandparents, a miscarriage and almost Emma Grace. Now the baby who had lived and grown inside of me was dead, too. I really just felt like He needed to go pick on someone else. Maybe one of those people whose life seemed to be perfect (even though I know there's no such thing).

I didn't want to be around anyone. I couldn't stand the "elephant" in the room. Everyone wanted to talk about Grady and then they didn't. So no one would say anything. And he was all I wanted to talk about, but no one really wanted to listen because then they would have to talk and they didn't know what to say. A vicious, evil circle.

We didn't get together with our families, Instead we went to dinner at the Cracker Barrel and then to Lake Lanier to see the Nights of Lights. At the end of the lights was a mini carnival. We had no idea that it was there, but of course the girls wanted to play. So we did. It was fun. It really was a great memory-maker, but I couldn't help but think of how I should have been home with my newborn. I wanted to grab strangers and tell them that my baby had just died. We all (me, Gib and the girls) rode our first Ferris wheel together. It was fun, but the seat belt hurt my incision from my c-section. I remember being on the very top waiting for people below to load, looking out over the clear, dark, cold night and longing for my Baby Grady.

I remember coming home and after everyone was in bed, I watched my Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep DVD that I have of Grady and cried and cried. I couldn't talk to God, or rather I chose not to. Instead I got a brand new journal and just started writing. I thought maybe if I wrote my thoughts and feelings out, He would hear me still without me having to actually pray. (It wasn't until the end of January before I started speaking to God again. I'm not proud of that at all. I'm not boasting about it. It's just the truth. And believe me, I've asked for His forgiveness. I wish I could be as forgiving as Him. It's something I'm working on and something that I believe He's working on in me.)

I'm going to be very vulnerable and share with you what I wrote. I'm truly not sure why I'm writing this tonight, except that maybe I need to OR maybe someone needs to read it. Remember this was very early in my grief, just a couple of weeks after Grady's death. The pain was raw and real. Here goes...


Dear God,

I just don't understand! Why did you need Grady in heaven so bad? We wanted him here with us. I feel like you teased me with a pregnancy and a healthy baby and then cheated me at the end. We weren't going to have any more children. He was a surprise. I really felt like he was meant to be here & complete our family. I always would think of having more children but was so scared of going through the prematurity struggles again. I would always hear the words "ye of little faith" in my head. Lord, I trusted you and had faith that you would protect Baby Grady and bring him here healthy and safe. You did neither. He was alive in me one minute and gone the next. He will always be my son, my third child. I will cherish the 36 weeks and 5 days he spent growing inside of me - feeling his every move. But Lord it doesn't seem right and it's SO NOT FAIR! I know you have your reasons for taking him, but WHY HIM? WHY US? WHY ME AGAIN? Why did you take someone else that I love? Am I that bad of a person? Is this some sort of punishment? I just wish I knew! I try to remind myself often, even right now, that you have plans to prosper and not harm me, but it doesn't feel that way at this point in my life. There are people who don't want their babies, abuse them, even kill them. I am not one of those people. But you didn't take their babies from them. Lord, I'm hurt, heartbroken to the core, deeper than I ever thought I could hurt. I'm mad, confused, frustrated, feeling guilty and blaming myself for what I maybe could have done differently. Yet I am so thankful to you Lord for Gib, Jessica and Emma Grace - for the blessings that they are in my life. Lord, please don't take them from me too - PLEASE! I'm having a hard time praying right now, but I knew you would listen and know my heart even if I wrote it down. Lord, as much as I am hurting and blaming you for this - for taking Baby Grady - I do need your help to get through this. I can't do this alone. No one understands what I'm going through. This deep dark pit that I've fallen into and can't get out of. There's light all around me - Gib, the girls, the world keeps on moving - but there I am. Stuck. Lonely. Sad to the point of despair. It hurts so bad that it's hard to breathe at times. I know that time will make it easier but I'll never get over losing this precious baby boy. But Lord, I need help getting through this. The days are so long. My mind never stops. Everything plays over and over in my head. Now I'm starting to have regrets, but at the time we did what we thought was the right thing. I didn't want the girls to remember seeing their baby brother laying there lifeless. Now Jessica says she wanted to see him and my guess is that Emma Grace did too. We should have asked them - I feel so guilty about that. I was trying to protect their hearts as much as I could. I thought pictures would be good enough and then they could form their own images of him. Hopefully they will forgive me one day and I can forgive myself too. I wish that even though we took pictures, we didn't take enough. We should have taken more. I wish I had a picture of me holding him. I wish I had held him more, even though I was blessed to hold him as much as I did. I wish I had sang to him the songs the girls love for me to sing. Those are a few of my regrets. Most of all, I wish I was holding him right now or nursing him or wishing he would go to sleep because I was exhausted from being up all night with him. But instead the reality is, I'm writing in this journal, pouring my heart and feelings out to you God, desperately needing your help to work through this. In Jesus Name, Amen

So, I guess it was sort of a prayer, considering how I ended it.

It is amazing to see how far I've come in this grief process. I think about Grady and miss him every day. I always will. But there is no way you could have told me two years ago that I would be holding another baby boy who I'm madly in love with. I was never going to be pregnant again! I just knew my heart couldn't dare be set up for such heartache again.

But hold another boy I have been...And loving every minute of it! I'm so thankful God led us to the decision to try again. For if we had not, a true gift and blessing would have been squelched. I'm thankful for my whole family, and I'm thankful to be where I am right now.

Love,
Tonya

It Is Well...

...With My Soul.

I wanted to blog today, but I really didn't know what to blog about. I can't blog about what is really on my mind, good or bad, so coming up with a blog post was a bit more difficult. I was listening to the music on my blog this morning and one song came on that I knew must be deleted. I love the song but for some reason the singer was off-key and it sounded BAD. I didn't really listen to it before adding it because I knew the song and I love it...turns out I don't love that version. So, while I was on playlist.com deleting it, I decided to see if there was a rendition of "It Is Well With My Soul" that I might be able to add. If you've followed my blog for a long time, you know that is one of my most favorite songs. Ever. Well, to my surprise, I found one by Selah and added it today. I've set my playlist to start with it today since that is what I'm blogging about. (and yes, they begin singing in an African language...I'm not sure which one, though)

I know I've mentioned this song, but I'm not sure if I've ever shared why it means so much to me...

Emma Grace was born on Sunday, March 16th. I left the hospital on that Wednesday, the 19th, which was one of the hardest days of my life. The Sunday following her birth (7 years tomorrow), I was going to stay home from church to rest and let Gib take Jessica. I had been in the hospital a total of 15 days. My mom and stepdad had come over the day before to watch her so we could spend the afternoon at the hospital together, which was a rarity for me and Gib considering our schedules. It turned out that Jessica wasn't letting me out of her sight that Sunday morning. She wanted to stay home with me. I didn't want her to miss church, so I got up and went, too. It was hard. Emotional. Painful with my incision, especially since the doctor had told me, verbatim, "I pretty much had to do a rip and tear on you". OUCH! But she was alive at that point and it was okay. Into church I hobbled that morning...into a big church...with a long walk from the parking lot to the sanctuary. I found a seat, and thankfully my friend Amy (from my small group) sat down beside me. Gib was teaching a group of middle schoolers, and I didn't want to be alone.

I have always been ministered to through music. That's one of the reasons the music in church is so important to me. Aaron Keyes is the worship leader at our old church, and to say that he is amazing would be an understatement.

I managed to stand for a short time while singing...at least until they sang "It Is Well With My Soul". I got through the first verse, but as the song continued, I sat down and wept. And wept. And wept.

I'll continue in a minute, but if you don't know the song, it was written by Horatio Spafford in the 1800's after the Great Chicago Fire destroyed most of his investments, his son died and not long after, while on a trip to Europe for "rest", his family's boat (without him aboard) crashed and his four daughters drowned. Only his wife survived. He wrote this song as he was sailing to be with his wife. (If you're interested, you can read more here) Just for a little perspective, here are the lyrics (from this site):

"It Is Well With My Soul"

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

[CHORUS:]

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and
I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
O my soul

And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul

I wanted SO badly for my little girl to live. I wanted SO badly for her to be okay. My words to Gib just the day before, after getting a call from the cardiologist and meeting with the neonatologist, were "I don't want to have to bury this baby".

But in that moment of worship at church, singing that song, I knew that even if I did indeed have to bury her, it was well with my soul. And it was well with her soul. And that because "it was well", I could get through the journey ahead, however long and hard it might be. And that one day we would be together again, because of the sacrifice and gift of God's son, Jesus Christ.

It was well.

Regardless of the outcome.

Turns out I did have to give a child back to Him, but it wasn't Emma Grace. I only got to keep Grady here on earth with me for short time. But it is still well. And it always will be.

And as a little side note, you should hear my little Emma Grace belt out the words to this song. Talk about heart-warming...doesn't even come close!

Love,
Tonya

Decisions

This post was written July, 2008. We were trying to decide whether to try for another baby or not. I guess it's time to update you on the decision we made. So sorry it has taken me so long!

We didn't talk much about it after my consult appointment with Dr. Joe (explained in post linked above). Gib is a very relaxed, laid-back kind of guy, and it really wasn't a pressing issue for him.

But it was for me.

To try and condense the story a bit, I got very frustrated and made him a consult appointment for a vasectomy in late August. I figured maybe that would help him start thinking a little more about things. (And what man, wouldn't, right?) He decided not to go for the consult...he wasn't ready to make that final decision.

And neither was I.

Fast-forward a bit to Sunday, September 13th. I had really been praying, asking and seeking God to lead me and guide me with this very important decision. I was so afraid I would lean on my own wants and desires. I was afraid I would miss the answer God wanted me to hear.

But let me tell you friends, it was loud and clear.

It was Sunday, September 13th, and we had the very rare treat of Andy Stanley coming in person to speak at our church. He is the lead pastor of North Point Community Church. Our church is a strategic partner with them, and most of our sermons are of Andy via satellite (which may sound weird unless you've experienced it and then it's really not). Anyway, we made it to the PACKED auditorium that Sunday with girls in tow. He had been teaching a series called "Why Worry". He was there in person to deliver one part of the sermon called "Switching Sides".

He was teaching out of Matthew 6:25-34. It is a powerful lesson in worry if you have never read it. The scripture is great, but one thing I love about Andy's teaching style is how he helps me apply the word to my everyday life. He makes the Bible very real and even fun to learn about. Imagine that!

The words he spoke to summarize landed straight on my heart...

"Your biggest worry is God's greatest opportunity to do something unusual in your life because it's the area where you've been unable to say, 'Thy will be done'."

When he spoke those words, it was in that moment that I knew we should try again. I knew if we didn't at least give God the opportunity to show us what He wanted for our family, we would squelch Him and cut Him off before He ever had the chance to reveal His will to us. We might just miss out on a great blessing that He had in store for us. (And let me just clarify that Grady was, and still is, a great blessing to us!)

They handed out business cards that morning as we entered. At the end of the sermon, Andy encouraged us to write what we had been worrying about down on the card and place it in one of the wicker baskets placed around the auditorium. I wrote, "To have another baby or not" on my card and made my way to the closest basket, tears and all. The song we sang to close was "Take My Life (And Let It Be)" by Chris Tomlin, which is song number 25 below on my playlist if you'd like to hear it. The tears really started streaming down my face. With Emma Grace in my arms, I thanked God for revealing Himself to me that day.

That night, Gib and I actually talked about everything. He verbalized that he "wouldn't mind having another little one running around one day". So there it was. The decision to try again was made. I was so thankful and felt like a huge weight had been lifted.

Hopefully I'll have more to come on this soon.

Love,
Tonya

Fragile Faith

So, our sermon today brought about some raw emotions for me.

First, I almost did the ugly cry in church. That is until I gathered my wits and excused myself to the restroom. Which is a very long walk. Much longer when you're crying!

It started when we were singing a modernized version of "It Is Well With My Soul".

Have I ever told you how that song touches my heart? If not, I'll have to do that sometime.

I was singing, "It is well,it is well. Through the storm, I am held. It is well, it is well with my soul".

Another verse, "Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul".

The part that always gets me is when we sing, "And Lord haste the day, when thy faith shall be sight. The clouds be rolled back as the scroll. The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend. Even so, it is well with my soul". I was holding my *Grady* charm on my necklace, singing with all my heart and soul to the Lord.

The very next song/verse we sang was "Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King".

Can I tell you how I long for that day?!?!

Because when I see the King, I will also see my Baby Grady. And my mom. And my dad. And my Momaw. And my Popaw. And my Nana.

I can't imagine what that moment will be like. I am teary-eyed as I type this because of the amazing, glorious moment that will be!

The song, "I Can Only Imagine" comes to mind....."Will I stand in your presence, or to my feet will I fall, will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine"...

I don't know what I'll do. But it will be the most glorious moment EVER!

...so, on to *Fragile Faith*.

I've never thought of my faith as *fragile* until today.

But it was made clear to me during our sermon, that I had *fragile faith* or *circumstantial faith*, and it made my heart sad.

Very sad.

You see, when Grady died, I didn't immediately turn to God for help and comfort.

I turned my back on God.

Friends, that is VERY hard for me to type.

Judge me as you want. Relate to me if you can. But it's the plain and simple truth.

And it wasn't just from losing Grady. It was from the other pain and heartache I've experienced. I felt like if God really loved me, He wouldn't allow more pain, and pain to that depth, into my life.

I loved Him. I believed in Him. I trusted Him with Grady's life. I believed that He would bring Grady safely into this world and into our arms, home and lives.

He didn't do that, though. He allowed this pain into my life, and I turned my back on Him. So much so that I questioned if He was real? If He even existed?

And PRAISE THE LORD, He revealed Himself to me. I came full-circle. And I am SO thankful!

Because God is still good. God is still real. God is still all-knowing. God is still all-powerful. God is still on the throne.

Despite my loss. Despite my heartache. God is still there. Loving me. Holding me. Guiding me.

He is still here.

And I love Him. And I believe in Him. And I trust Him.

In the moments when I felt most alone, He was the closest. In the moments when I felt like He had abandoned me, He was there.

And I truly believe that He knows best. Even if it means living my earthly life without my Baby Grady. And the others whom I love so much.

But, just as I had in my first breakthrough, I am so thankful that because of Jesus and his life and death and resurrection, I WILL see my Baby Grady again. Because he was innocent and without sin and his soul went straight from his earthly body in my womb into the arms of Jesus.

And because they believed and trusted in Jesus as their Savior, I WILL see my mom, dad, Momaw, Popaw, and Nana.

PRAISE BE TO GOD!

And let me make one thing clear...

Just because my faith was *fragile* or *circumstantial* before...I can assure you that it is not now.

Because if God can bring me through the death of one of my children, I fully and whole-heartedly believe that He can bring me through anything!!!

Love,
Tonya

9 Months Ago

Well, I wasn't going to blog tonight. It's a bit stormy here. The power flashed earlier which automatically turned off the computer (just as I was about to show Jessica some pictures of a bear near our friend's house in Dahlonega, GA!) The computer was off. Everyone was in bed (but me, of course!). I was reading "The Good Grief Club" for the second time, and the urge to blog hit me.

So, here I am.

It's 9:49pm according to my microwave and computer. About 45 minutes and 9 months ago, I started to be somewhat concerned about Grady. I was helping Jessica study for a test, getting her in bed and Grady hadn't moved since before dinner. I was concerned, but not enough to call the doctor. I thought he was sleeping. Jessica pushed on my tummy and talked to him, but nothing followed.

I can't help but wonder if things would be different if I had called Dr. Joe then? My gut tells me no. I truly believe he was already gone. But, my mind wanders and plays all kinds of evil tricks on me.

I simply can't believe tomorrow will be 9 months since I learned he died. 9 months since he entered this world. 9 months since I touched his soft skin. 9 months since I first held him in my arms.

I can't help but wonder what he would be doing now. 9 months is such a monumental age to me. Some start crawling, pulling up, walking, eating more foods. The list could go on.

To make matters worse, the dates and days of the week align just as they did in November. Today is Tuesday the 11th...he died on Tuesday, November 11th. Tomorrow is Wednesday the 12th, the day it was confirmed he died and was born into this world, 9months ago on Wednesday, November 12th, beautiful and still. See what I mean?

You may think it silly, but us grieving mommies think of and pay attention to these details. It has a huge impact on me. I can't dismiss it. I can't ignore it. It doesn't just go away if I don't think about it. Because the truth is, I think about it all the time. I can't help it.

As much as I blog about how I'm having a hard time with losing Grady (because I am!), I want to make myself clear to everyone who reads my blog...

I absolutely HATE how our story turned out!

I SO wish it had turned out differently...with a happy ending!

...with a beautiful Baby Grady in my arms as part of my daily life to hold, kiss, nurse, play with, comfort, feed, bathe, diaper, and love on as much as I could!

BUT, please don't be mistaken.

I trust in God's sovereign plan for our lives.

I know that as hard as it is for me..."He works all things together for our good".

There IS good in all of this.

It's very hard, but I've seen some of it already.

I'm sure there's more to come.

I miss Grady with every ounce of my being.

But, I would do it all over again. Even if it meant he would die. Because I got to know him. And love him.

And, I WILL see him again in heaven thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross for our salvation and the eternal life we have in Him. (John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".)

I rest in that.

It is the only thing that brings peace to my my broken, grieving heart.

I rest in the HOPE of heaven...and eternity with my son.

Grady never sinned. Because of God's love for us and the sacrifice of his son's life, Grady had a direct entrance into heaven.

It brings me great comfort that Grady went straight from the warmth and love of my womb...straight into the warm, loving arms of Jesus.

As much as I would love to have him in my arms, I know he's in the best place he could be.

And the best part...

I'll be there one day too!

Love,
Tonya

LOVE IT!

I have a post that I want to write about soon. It is heavy on my heart tonight, but I'm just not up to putting it all into words.

So, instead, I'll tell you, AGAIN, how much I LOVE our church!!! It took us three years after we moved here before we found a good fit for our family. We knew about this church, but it was a little farther than we wanted to drive. It's only about 25 minutes, which isn't very far, but we really wanted something closer.

After Grady died, and I was so mad at God, I told Gib that I really needed to be back in church. We decided the first Sunday of 2009 that we would make the drive and try it. We didn't miss a Sunday until last month. Jessica and Emma Grace absolutely LOVE going.

We always get so much out of the message. It's fun, upbeat and casual. We meet in the theatre of a conference center, so it's not your typical church/sanctuary environment, which is A-okay with me. It isn't about what you wear or where you worship, it's about your heart and your love for the Lord that's important!

I'm not sure what your views are on church, as they are many and different. I have never really cared about the denomination of the church that I attend. It is important to me that it is a Bible-based church where the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is proclaimed and shared. It needs to be a church committed to "leading people in a growing relationship with Jesus Christ" which is exactly the mission statement of our church.

I want to share how the service opened today.

We have a band that truly "rocks out". This morning, the music started with the Bryan Adams song, "Summer of '69". Strange? Maybe. But, the title of the sermon was "My Summer Vacation". Not long after the band started singing, a few people walked out on stage and started throwing out blown-up beach balls. We were all punching these beach balls trying to keep them in the air. Everyone was having a blast! Gib and I couldn't help but laugh out loud when a beach ball hit an unknowing young woman in the back of the head near the front. I know some of you will read this and say, "Whoa, that's going a little too far in church, isn't it?" I think not. What a fun way to get people fired up, awake and excited about worship! What a way to make "un-churched" people feel a little more relaxed and welcome! After that song, we all stood, greeted one another and began our praise and worship songs.

I love the relaxed, up-beat atmosphere of our church. But, what I love more is that every Sunday I walk away with a new perspective or new insight into God's word. A new and different look into the way He wants, and even expects, me to live my life as a Christian. The messages aren't "in your face", but rather, how to better apply God's word and live it out in my daily life.

The message today has stirred some things deep within me. Things that I try to shove aside, but they keep coming up again. Is the Lord trying to tell me something? I think so! To sum it up, Andy Stanley spoke about his trip to Africa. Doesn't seem like much, but it was great. He taught about forgiveness and reconciliation and read II Corinthians 5:17-19..."Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." God expects us to reconcile with others, even if we aren't in the wrong. WHOA. That's hard for me. That's what I really wanted to post about tonight and will soon...

I was going to put the link to the sermon in this post, but I just checked and it's not available yet to be watched. I'll post it when it's up.

Off to bed. School starts tomorrow, so it's an early start for us after a long, very wonderfully, lazy summer.

Love,
Tonya

Wish You Were Here

Where were you at 6am this morning? Probably sleeping!

Where was I? Right here...



I got up early to try to accomplish something very special. It didn’t turn out exactly as I had hoped. It definitely isn’t professional. But here it is...





It was only fitting that I write his name in the sand this morning. He would be 8 months old today. I won’t lie. This trip has been GREAT so far, but it has also been hard emotionally for me. This is another first for me without Grady. This would have been his first vacation and first trip to the beach. We decided to come to the beach this summer when I was pregnant with him. We love to go to Disney, but I’ve seen too many people with small babies there in the summer and everyone looks pretty miserable. Even though he isn't here, we decided we still needed a relaxing vacation and kept our beach plans.

My heart was very heavy yesterday. Our van was packed with luggage, beach toys, laundry baskets and coolers filled with groceries for the week. I was sad because, to look at our van, there was no room for another person. Even Emma Grace commented on the way down about where Baby Grady would sit. I assured her that if he was here, we would have taken less stuff and there would have been plenty of room for him, too!

Jessica wanted to eat dinner on our balcony last night. We are right on the ocean, 9th floor, Gulf-front. I happily obliged. When we sat down for our "gourmet" dinner of hot dogs, mac-n-cheese and corn, Jessica said, “Look, a rainbow!” I turned to look over my shoulder and sure enough, there was a rainbow. I hurried inside to get the camera, trying not to hurt myself in the process. It was half of a rainbow, but it was beautiful just the same.



I felt such peace when I saw it. I love the symbolism of rainbows, of God’s promises and truths. It reminded me that Grady is in the best place he could be. A place far better and more beautiful than where we are right now. (And it's pretty nice here!) I may hurt, but Grady does not, and never will. It reminded me that there is so much more to come. So much more to look forward to. That one day, all things will be perfect, just like that rainbow over the ocean. (Even if it was just half a rainbow!)

We have had a great first day here in PCB. We actually spent the entire day on the beach and not at the pool. I couldn’t believe it! The last time we came to the beach, neither of my girls would do anything but stick their feet in the water. Today, we couldn’t get them out! Jessica willingly went out, but Emma Grace went kicking and screaming, holding onto her Daddy’s neck for dear life.

The look on her face tells it all...



But it didn’t take long until she was asking me for her floaties so she could swim around more. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, but they had a great time. Somehow, they even got me in the water, past my knees! I can’t tell you the last time that happened. I love to walk on the beach but don’t so much love to be in the ocean.

Gib has taken the girls for an evening walk on the beach. We have all showered, and I honestly don’t feel like getting sandy again. I told Gib he was on clean-up duty when he got back. That was okay with him.

I think he’s having a pretty good time, too. What do you think?



You probably won’t hear much from me this week. I can blog at home, but the beach only comes once a year, if we’re lucky!

Before I go...

Dear Baby Grady,
Happy 8 month birthday baby boy! We love you so much, miss you so much and wish you were here! I couldn’t help but think about you today, especially when I saw a baby boy under an umbrella in his bumbo seat. I wondered if I would have thought to bring yours and do the same. My heart leaped and sank when I read MckMama’s post today about Stellan being 8 months old and what a joy he is to her. My heart sank at what I know I’m missing out on. My heart leaped because I know you would be just as much of a joy to me. I think you might have even had dimples like Emma Grace, and I do love to eat those up! I know I would eat you up, too! I am so privileged to be your mommy, even if it has to be from as far away as heaven. You are always close to me as the love in my heart for you grows more for you each day. I asked God this morning to tell you happy birthday and how much I love you. I hope He did. Sending a big hug and kiss to you tonight, my precious angel!
Love always,
Mommy

I leave you with a picture Gib took on their walk...



“Talk” to y’all soon!

Love,
Tonya

The Boy With A Balloon Of Hope

Do you remember me telling you how awesome my friends are?

Awesome, amazing, wonderful, fabulous, thoughtful, kind, loving....those are just a few words to describe them. God has truly blessed me with an amazing family of friends, and I am truly thankful! Some "get it" more than others, but I love them all!

The week that school was getting out, I was at a local store getting gifts for Jessica's teachers. It is a cool store that has different vendor booths with all kinds of things to choose from. I was walking to the counter with my items, and something caught my eye. I stopped, picked it up, looked at it, thought about how nice it would be to have it, and put it back down.

On my way home, I passed my friend and neighbor, Yvonne. We rolled our windows down and chatted for a few minutes. I told her what I'd been doing and what I'd just seen at this store. We said goodbye and went our separate ways.

Fast forward about four hours. I came home from the grocery store and saw something blue at my mailbox. I just caught a glimpse of whatever it was, and thought, "Oh geez, something must have blown out of someone's recycling bin." So, after I pulled into the garage, I went to get whatever it was. As I got closer, I realized that it was a beautifully wrapped present.

Hmmm.....

I started opening it and about halfway up the drive, I knew what it was and who it was from. I marched myself right across the street, tears and all, to thank this beautiful, thoughtful, most kind friend of mine. She had gone to get the very item that I had just told her about. I can't tell you how this touched my heart!

I had passed a section in the store that had various Willow Tree angels. They are simple, but beautiful, and each one has a special meaning. I just LOVE them!

One in particular caught my eye...if you've read about Grady's balloons and the message of HOPE, then you'll understand why I liked it and why it means so much to me.

Here's a picture of it...



...a little boy holding up a balloon with the word hope in it! On the card that came with the angel, it says, "Hope lifts us up".

And that it does, my friends. It lifts me every day. I live with, by, for and because of the promise of HOPE given to us through our Lord, Jesus Christ. The HOPE that I WILL see Grady again, alive and well. The HOPE and promise that God will carry me through these dark and trying days...through this tough season of my life. The HOPE that God has plans for good, not evil, for my life (read Jeremiah 29:11 in the box at the top of my blog). HOPE is what helps me put one foot in front of the other. That and wonderful, loving, encouraging people in my life like Yvonne.

Thank you my friend! I love you!

Love,
Tonya

No More. No Less.

I am happy (not really!) to report to you that I'm writing tonight full (miserably so) of peanut butter M&Ms and diet coke. Comfort food? Yes-sir-eee indeed!!!

I'm still struggling. Really struggling. But I know I'm not alone. I feel alone. But I'm not.

I know that many members of my family love me. I have a husband who somehow still loves me. I have two girls who adore me (at least I like to think they do!). I have a wonderful family of friends who love me. But most of all, I have a God who loves me just the way I am.

I'm trying hard to crawl in His lap and let Him comfort me. I know it's what He wants. After all, He's my heavenly father. He's even invited me/us to call him that! The God and creator of every thing wants us to know Him as our heavenly father. When I stop and ponder that, it is amazing to me.

And how are parents supposed to love their children? Unconditionally. Just the way they are. I know that I love my two girls just the way they are, inside and out, from the top of their heads to the tips of their toes! I've told them repeatedly that there is absolutely NOTHING in this world that they could do that would make me not love them. And I mean it! I may not agree with or like the choices they make or the behavior they choose, but I will always love them! My door and arms will always be open to them. And just so you know, I will always love Grady, too! And you can bet, if he were alive on this earth with us, the same would apply to him!

Praise God, He loves me just the way I am. No more. No less. He knows my heart. He knows my every thought. He knows my cries, my hurts, my desires, my joys.

Shoot, He even knows the number of hairs on my head!! I didn't make that up. Nope! That's in the Bible somewhere, but for the life of me, I couldn't tell you where! I would be willing to bet he even knows how many of them are white, blond, brown, and so on because my hair is so many different colors! (But underneath it all, it's probably just white. Sad, I know. But true!)

Anyway, this post isn't about hair. It's about coming to Jesus just the way we are. In much of the same way, this is how I come to you. Just the way I am. I don't try to be someone I'm not.

This whole post was inspired by Mercy Me's song called "No More No Less". I'm posting the song and the lyrics beneath it. Take about 5 minutes if you've never heard it to really listen and ponder the words. (And don't forget to mute my music at the bottom of the page before pressing play!) It brings me hope and comfort that God doesn't need or want us to be perfect. He wants us to come to Him just as we are! And for me, I'm just trying to make it HOME!



No More No Less, Mercy Me (www.christianlyricsonline.com)

I'm not trying to hide anything
I wear it on my sleeve
I wear it on my sleeve
I'm not trying to be something I'm not
This is all I've got
This is all I've got

I'm not trying to re-invent the wheel
Just trying to be real
Trying to be real
I'm not trying to say follow me
I'm not the one who leads
I'm not the one who leads

Let me introduce myself to you
This is who I am
No more, no less
I am just a man who understands
Because of You I'm blessed
No more, no less

I'm not trying to prove anything
It's all about the change
It's all about the change

Let me introduce myself to you
This is who I am
No more, no less
I am just a man who understands
Because of You I'm blessed
No more, no less

I hope you stare just long enough to see
The heart that's beating here inside of me
Beyond all of the things you may think you know
I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it
No more, no less
Lord, I want to go home
Nothing more, nothing less

Love,
Tonya

I Want To Know

Well, it seems that a Sunday can't go by without me posting about our message in church. I don't think I did last week, but I'm back with it again this week.

Andy Stanley is doing a series called It's Personal. The series is about how to have a relationship with God, getting past your internal battles, looking beyond your questions about God, not categorizing God, but knowing him personally.

Before you say, "Yeah, whatever." Please keep reading...

In case you haven't already figured it out, I am a Christian. This series is still good, even though I already have the relationship Andy has been talking about. But just because I already have this relationship, doesn't mean that I shouldn't work and strive to make it better. Just like with my marriage. I have a wonderful relationship, but I have to work to keep it good, strong, close, intimate, etc.

Today was part two, titled "Coming To Terms". Andy explored the fact that we need to come to God on His terms, not ours. On the terms of trust and humility alone. To let go of our expectations that God owes us something, answers to questions, explanations to why things happened and so forth.

All of this may sound foreign to you, but if you have even a tiny inkling of interest, I encourage you to click on one of the previous links in this post to hear or watch the message for yourself.

Here's where it got "personal" for me today. Toward the end of the sermon, Andy encouraged us to pray these words the next couple of weeks,

"God, if you can be known, I want to know you more than I want to know the answers to my questions.

Whoa... That's deep for me, friends!

I already know that God can be known. In fact, I feel like I already know Him and have a relationship with him. But what hit me deep in my soul, was the part about wanting to know him more than the answers to my questions. Andy was referring to non-believers and the questions they have and the pride and the internal battles that go on within.

But those words struck me.

Because when I sit back and reflect, I DO want to know God more. Of course I would love the answers to my questions. I would love to know why Grady died. I would love to know so many things. Not just about Grady but my life and the world in general. And maybe I'll ask Him in heaven. Or maybe I won't. Maybe heaven will be too great. Maybe those questions won't be so important and those answers really won't matter at all.

But as I sit here tonight, in my quiet house, listening to the rain outside and the train whistling in the distance,

I want to know God more than I want to know the answers to my questions.

Love,
Tonya

Happy Easter!

Today is a beautiful day in Georgia! It's a little on the cool side, but the sun is shining and the sky is crystal blue. A beautiful day to celebrate Jesus, I must say.

We went to church this morning and will head to my brother's later this afternoon for Easter dinner. The girls have not dyed their eggs yet, nor have they hunted eggs. Still to come...

Here are a couple of pictures from this morning. I will update with more pictures later, but I wanted to take advantage of the few minutes I had right now to get a post up and say "Happy Easter!"





I saw the following video on another blog and had heard about it from a friend of mine. I've decided to post it today, in honor of the cross. To stress the importance of it in my life and the lives of many others. For many, the cross symbolizes death. For me, the true meaning behind the cross is life...eternal life!

This video will take about 9 minutes of your time, but it's worth it, in my opinion. As a nurse, I'm intrigued. As a believer of Christ, I stand in awe. (Don't forget to mute the music at the bottom of the page before pressing play.)



Happy Easter!

Happy 5 month heavenly birthday Grady! We love you and miss you more than words can say!

Love,
Tonya

I Accept. I Trust. In Spite Of...

...the fact that I don't like it.

It's NOT what I want...

As you can tell, I'm still not doing great (or even good for that matter). Gib asked me last night what I think it is that has brought back my grief with such a vengeance. I don't think there is a concrete answer to that question. It's the hard and difficult roller coaster of grief. It's the unimaginable dream of losing my unborn child. My friend, Ebe, described it last night as a "deep, unsettling ache". I would have to agree.

The title of my post may be confusing, so let me explain. But first, let me preface with this....I really don't know who reads my blog. I'm hoping that lots of people do. I don't know where you are spiritually, or if you have faith at all. If you do, it may or may not be in the same God that I believe or trust. What I post here is based on my belief in our risen Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He's all I have to hold onto.

HE IS MY ONLY HOPE!!!

And to be honest, I don't know where I'd be right now if I did not have that hope.

So, having said that, I hope that you'll keep reading and know that I'm speaking for myself and not trying to intrude or impose my beliefs onto you in any way! I welcome all readers!!!

I accept. I trust. In spite of the fact that I don't like it.

You see, being a Christian doesn't always mean the road before us is without difficult hills to climb. It doesn't mean that it is paved perfectly without pot holes that we can fall into. It doesn't mean that we won't have sharp, winding curves that we can't see around (I'm pretty thankful for that!). It also doesn't mean that our road won't take us to the edge of a cliff where we have to quickly and strongly put on the brakes, back up, and get on the right path again.

God never promised any of us an easy road. But His promises are true to always love us, guide us, be with us and never leave us, NO MATTER WHAT! It's the times when we think He's the farthest away that He's really the closest...

Yesterday was part two of our sermon, Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I won't go into all of the details of that sermon, but I will tell you that David was faced with another trial when things were going really well for him. He was already king and was betrayed by his son, Absalom (2 Samuel 15). Instead of fighting back this time and taking things into his own hands, he surrendered. He left his palace and said something that was very powerful to me...

2 Samuel 12:26, "...let him do to me whatever seems good to him."

David is referring to God, not his son Absalom. Our dreams are not always God's will. But He sees the big picture that we cannot. Even though I don't like these circumstances. Even though I want Baby Grady back with all of my being. Even though there are times in the day that I feel like I can't go on. Even when all I want to do is just go to heaven with my family and not experience any more of this hurt and anguish here on this earth.

GOD KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, even if I don't agree.

Andy Stanley phrased it very well yesterday when he said this...

"Our faith in God stands apart from our dreams".

My faith and trust remain. Even though my dreams are shattered. Even though my heart is broken beyond words.

Love,
Tonya

I'm Not Alone

I feel like I've been away for so long! I have so many things that I want to post about and share with you, but they are going to be long posts and take so much emotional energy that I just don't feel like I've had lately.

I want to share with you what happened to me yesterday. It was so freeing for me. I've said several times that I LOVE the church that we've been going to since January. All of the speakers have been wonderful, but Andy Stanley is by far my favorite. He just has such a way of teaching the Bible in a way that is fun (YES I said FUN!), easy to understand and apply to your life. We also went to his church about 15 years ago, so it's nice to be back.

I was hoping yesterday's message would speak to me. The title of the sermon grabbed my attention - "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". Boy, is that for me or what? As usual, I was not disappointed.

The sermon was about David, found in 1 Samuel 21. A short synopsis was that David thought everything was going well for him and that God was on his side. He was revelling in God's goodness for him, when all of a sudden his life took a turn in the other direction. His plans weren't going as he hoped and wanted, so he fled, turning his back on God and taking matters into his own hands. Turns out that his way didn't work out so well for him.

This was only part 1 of the sermon. If you'd like to hear or watch this sermon click here. I'm looking forward to next week when we learn how God was with David all the time. David realizes this and starts leaning on Him again.

This sermon was so important to me because I realized that I wasn't alone in my anger with God. I realized that it was okay that I was angry. I wasn't alone in feeling like God had turned his back on me when Grady died. I wasn't alone in taking matters into my own hands, handling my grief on my own. Because after all, what kind of God who loves me so much would take my precious unborn baby boy from me? My life was going well. I had such big dreams of having a little boy. I had such hopes for the joy Grady would bring to our family. I could taste what it would feel like to hold him in my arms. I wanted him so much! And then, boom, in an instant it was all gone. Grady was gone. My dreams were shattered. I didn't know what to do or where my life was going, but I knew for sure I didn't want anything to do with God. But at the same time....He was all I had.

But the truth is, God was there all along. Being patient with me. Waiting for me to come back to Him with His arms open wide. Waiting to comfort me in ways that only He could.

I was writing last night in my prayer journal. Here's part of what I wrote:

"Thank you for taking that anger from me and turning it into something less destructive - confusion, something so hard to understand that it's just not humanly possible".

That's mostly what I feel now. Confusion. I don't know why we don't get to have and love Grady here on this earth. And it's not something that I can grasp. It's just something I have to live with and learn how to live with each day. I am so thankful, though, to have a heavenly Father who loves me, weeps with me, rejoices with me, and carries me through even the hardest times.

I don't know what, if anything, you're struggling with right now. I don't know where you are spiritually. I don't know if you have faith at all. But one thing I know for sure is this... No matter what you're going through. No matter what your circumstances. No matter what your struggle is...

God is right there with you. He is in control. He has a plan for you.

"....plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.

Love,
Tonya

Happy 6th Birthday to our "Emmazing Grace" (and the rest of her story!)

Happy 6th Birthday Emma Grace!

She had two celebrations today. The first one was at school, and the second was at home tonight after Mexican for dinner!

As promised, here is the rest of her “Emmazing” story. It turned out to be kind of long, so you've been warned! Click here to read the first part of her story.

After being on bedrest for 12 days, God decided it was time for us to meet Emma Grace. She was born on a Sunday morning, but let me back up two days to Friday morning.

They had given me a urinary cathether a couple of days after I was admitted to the hospital. Every time I would try to use the bedpan I couldn’t fully empty my bladder and felt like I was losing every little bit of amniotic fluid I had every time I tried. (By the way, I lost amniotic fluid every time I moved, but why move if you don’t have to? AND every time they did an ultrasound they couldn’t find any pockets of fluid, so I was literally leaking all that I was making. This is extremely not good for a developing baby's lungs) The perinatologist (high-risk doctor) came in to check on me that Friday morning. I told him that the catheter was starting to bother me. He asked how long I’d had it. I told him and he said (direct quote), “Well, we might as well take it out. The baby probably won’t make it anyway”. I was so hurt, shocked and angry that he just came out and said that. How insensitive? We had been praying so diligently for this baby and all we had was hope. I felt like he had just shattered everything I had been holding onto. (Another side note, when I was pregnant with Grady, I made darn sure that I did NOT see that man!). The catheter was also a potential source for infection, so it was taken out, and I was given a bedside commode.

Now that was an experience. Have you ever been in bed, off of your feet for any significant length of time? It had been 10 days for me. I was not prepared for what it would feel like to be up again. When I sat up for the first time, I felt like my head was falling backwards. It was hard for me to hold it up. When my feet touched the floor for the first time, it felt like I had prickles all over them. You know the feeling when your foot has been asleep and it’s “waking up”? Weird, I tell ya!

I had been monitored very closely for infection. I didn’t have any other signs other than my slowly increasing white blood cell (WBC) count. A new doctor, Dr. D, from my former practice came on call that Friday morning. He came in and talked with me. I had been on a heart medication called Procardia – not for heart problems. This medication has been shown to relax the uterine muscle and calm contractions. I had been on it as a preventative measure. With my WBC count rising, he said he wanted to see what my body was trying to do on its own. He didn’t want the medication to mask or prevent labor if infection was indeed starting.

That Saturday was a great day. Gib brought Jessica to the hospital. Since I had been there for a long time I had a nice high-risk room. It had a mini-fridge, microwave, nice tv, and dvd/vcr player. Jessica snuggled in the bed with me. We shared popcorn and a coke and watched 101 Dalmations. It was just what I needed – I had missed her so much. Short visits just weren’t the same as holding and cuddling her in my arms. She fell asleep, and I loved hearing and feeling her breathe next to me.

Sigh….

After she and Gib left the hospital, I started having mild cramps. I lost my mucous plug later that evening. I knew that wasn’t a good sign. I was able to sleep that night, but the cramping was getting stronger.

By 7:30 that Sunday morning, I was really feeling the contractions and suggested to my nurse that she put me on the monitor. My breakfast tray came, she put me on the monitor, elevated my head some and left the room. I ate part of a muffin, some cereal and some orange juice (this is important). Not long after, my nurse came back and said, “Your contractions are too strong. I have to take your tray and put you flat again. Do you feel like you need to empty your bladder?” I told her I would try because sometimes a full bladder can make contractions worse. This may be too much detail, but I’m giving it to you anyway… When I went to wipe, I felt something squishy. I knew immediately that something wasn’t right. I quickly got back into my bed and was about to push the call light for her to come back when she opened the door. I told her what happened and when she checked, her face fell and she said “I don’t like what I see”. “What is it?”, I asked. She said, “It’s your cord”.

This is NOT good, friends. I knew this from being a nurse and teaching childbirth classes. A prolapsed cord is where the cord has slipped through the birth canal before the baby. My cord was coming out. The reason this is so dangerous is because the baby can compress the cord and cut off his/her oxygen supply.

She pushed the call light and said, “We need Dr. D in the OR stat. We have a prolapsed cord and I need a sterile glove!”. Within seconds there were, no lie, ten nurses in my room. They let me quickly call Gib to tell him to get to the hospital, ASAP! My nurse was on top of me – literally! – pushing the cord back up while the other nurses ran me – literally! – down the hall and elevator to the OR.

I was amazingly calm. My nurse was wonderful. She was pushing the cord back up to keep the pressure of Emma Grace off of it. She was so reassuring – she kept looking at me saying, “I feel it pulsating”. That was what I needed to hear – Emma Grace was still getting oxygen. (Although we still didn’t know if she was a boy or girl at that time.)

Once in the OR, I began to get scared. There was total chaos and mahem around me. That’s when it hit me – I was going to have general anesthesia. When I asked that question, there was a unanimous “YES”. The anesthesiologist was slapping my wrist trying to find a vein for an IV. He said, very hateful, “So you ate breakfast?” I hesitated, but I told him what I had eaten. He shook his head and said, “You ate a full breakfast”. I understood his concern and the risk of me aspirating with general anesthesia if I were to vomit, but geez...I didn’t know this was going to happen! I looked around and asked if anyone in there prayed. One nurse looked at me and said, “Honey, we’re already praying.”

The last thing I remember is being told to take some deep breaths but feeling like I had 500 pounds of weight on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I was waving my hand to try to tell them, but nothing was happening. They were in such a rush that my lungs were paralyzed before I was under anesthesia. Scary feeling!

Things happened so quickly! I found the cord about 8:05, and she was born at 8:17! They didn't mess around!

When I woke up, I was being wheeled to the recovery room. I asked how my baby was doing. The nurse said, “You have a little girl and she looks like you”. I couldn't believe she could tell already.

Remember, I was only 25 weeks and 2 days. I remember them wheeling me into the NICU before I was taken to my postpartum room. She was so tiny! Her head was a little bigger than a tangerine, my wedding ring would have fit on her arm, and her eyes were still fused shut. She only weighed 1 lb. 13 oz. and was 13 inches long. But, she was big for her gestation. Dr. S, one of the neonatologists, kept questioning me about my dates to see if they were accurate. I knew they were. She was four days old here...



This is a picture of her preemie diaper.




I grabbed one of Grady's newborn size diapers and put it next to it for comparison. Also, my three fingers almost completely cover the diaper. Just hold up your three fingers and that's how small the diaper was - and it was too big on her!

She breathed on her own with some supplemental oxygen that first day – it’s called the “honeymoon phase” with preemies. Then she pooped out and had to be put on the ventilator. She stayed on the ventilator for 6 weeks!

I got to hold her when she was one week and one day old. I was SO scared! They taped her tubes to me, and she felt like a little bird against my skin. I had tried not to bond with her because I was afraid she was going to die. But, that’s just a bunch of nonsense. We are bonded with our babies during pregnancy, and I was certainly attached after holding her. It was a defense mechanism to try to protect myself. This was my first time holding my little miracle...



After a couple of weeks on the regular ventilator, she maxed out the settings. Dr. L suggested that we should put her on the high-frequency oscillator. I am forever grateful to him for this decision. This vent delivered oxygen into her lungs at a very fast pace – to the tune of 600-700 breaths per minute, kind of like a dog panting. This decreased the pressure on her lungs, and I’m convinced that between God’s mercy and this vent, she doesn’t have long-term lung damage today. Scar tissue, yes. Damage, no.



This is a picture of her at 6 weeks of age. She looks big but she was swollen from fluid. That is my hand on top of her. She stayed in this exact position for 5 days. They changed her diapers backwards and everything. They even had to move a larger crying baby away from her isolette one night because her oxygen levels would drop with the crying. She was then named “Princess Emma Grace” and even had a small tiara placed on top of her bed. (I wish I had a picture of that!)

Those things around her are sandbags that they would place on and around her to give her comfort because the ventilator would make her vibrate. Amazing!

It was a rocky road. Her lungs were VERY sick but amazingly she NEVER got an infection. She never had to be transferred to a different hospital and never had to have any surgeries. She developed retinopathy of prematurity and we thought she was going to have to have eye surgery. Literally from one week to the next, her vessels started straightening out and the eye specialist was amazed. I was blessed to have an abundant supply of breast milk to give her, and she never had anything else. I know that contributed to her growth and recovery as well.

GOD IS GOOD!

Fast forward 111 days (yes, almost 4 months!), and it was time to come home. She weighed a healthy 6 pounds and we were ready! I was a nervous wreck, but we had waited so long and weren’t sure if that day would ever come.

This picture was taken about a month before we were discharged.



She was born March 16th. She wasn’t due until June 27th. She came home July 3rd.

I know the nurses probably thought I was crazy but every time I visited I prayed over her before I left. Literally. I would cross my arms and lay my head down on the top of her isolette and pray over every body system. I would pray specific details. But I always said, “These are the desires of my heart, Lord, but let Your will be done”.

I would have to say that after all of that, it was His will that she live and be a part of our family. Thank you Lord!



This was the vellum on her birth announcement. Yes, you read it correctly. Those were her REAL footprints!!! Tiny, small, and perfect in every way!

Thanks for hanging in there with me again for another long post. I’m a very detail-oriented person and didn’t want to leave anything out. Although I did leave lots of things out, you get a good idea of what she/we went through.

And this is her today!




Six years old. Happy. Loving. Full of life. Spunky. Funny. Healthy. Beautiful. Smart. And an absolute ham for the camera! (Posing with a gift she received and the hair net from her field trip to Kroger today where they announced her birthday over the entire store - how fun!)

Did I mention that God is good? We are truly blessed!

Love,
Tonya

My Revelation

I started this post on February 27th. I got a bit overwhelmed and saved it as a draft. I decided to try to finish it today. There are so many things pertaining to Grady that I want to write about. After all, he was the inspiration for me starting this blog. By the way, he would be four months old today...

A few weeks after Grady died, I was reading SO much on the internet, trying to find some answers as to how and why this happened. I was searching for stories of others who had experienced similar losses. I felt so alone.

I was reading a WONDERFUL book called "The Good Grief Club, by Monica Novak. The first few chapters described me so well. I emailed this author by chapter 7 and told her that she had described me perfectly. Aside from the fact that she's a great writer and a REAL person, she experienced a stillbirth herself. No one can understand another's perspective unless you've walked in similar shoes. But to my great surprise, she emailed me back!!! I was shocked! It wasn't just a short email, it was a heart-felt email that took some time for her to write and meant so much to me!

I bring her book up because she said something in her book that I had never thought about before. It said something like this: When a husband/wife loses his/her spouse, they are called a widow. When a child loses his/her parents, they're called an orphan. When a parent loses a child, there is no name given to their status. Those words jumped off the pages at me. It is so unnatural to lose a child, there isn't a name for those parents.

In an odd way, those words brought me comfort.

Whether you lose a child to stillbirth, cancer, an accident of some sort, whatever it may be, that's just NOT the way it's supposed to be. Parents should NOT outlive their children! I really hope there is never a 'name' assigned to a parent who loses a child because, to me, it would then somehow make it okay.

Fast forward a few more weeks. I had been on several other blogs who had "Bring The Rain" as a blog they follow. My curiosity got the best of me and I clicked. My, I had no idea what I was in for.

I've mentioned Angie Smith in previous posts. She is the wife of one of the singers in the Christian group Selah. They found out at 20 weeks that their 4th daughter had at least two conditions that were incompatible with life. They basically needed to start planning her death. When the doctor asked her what she was thinking, the first thing out of her mouth was something like, "I think my Jesus is the same now as when I walked into this room". WOW!!!

I spent three hours Saturday, January 10th, reading her blog. I was so inspired by her faith, and at the same time, so convicted that mine had wavered.

Did I know that God loved me? Yes.

Did I think He could have prevented Grady's death? Yes.

Was I mad at Him? Yes.

Did I believe that He works all things together for our good? No, not at that moment, at least. Because how in the world would it be for my good that I had to live without my baby???

I kept reading through her blog. I just couldn't stop. I came to a video that had pictures of her beautiful family put to a song that she and her husband wrote for their precious Angel Audrey. The song is called "I Will Carry You" and it changed my whole perspective on losing Grady.

If you'd like to see this beautiful family and hear the song that changed my life, click here. This will take you to her blog where the lyrics are printed for you.(First, scroll to the bottom of this page and mute my music. Once you are on her site, scroll to the bottom of her page and mute her music before pressing play on the video)

God used that song and this wonderful woman of strength and faith to help me have "my revelation". It may not seem like anything big to you, but at the time, it was (and still is) very powerful to me.

Here goes...

God chose me to carry Grady. God thought so highly of me that He chose me to be able to endure the strength and heartache of loving a baby and letting him go before I even got to hold him in my arms. God knew that even though I didn't think I could bear this pain, I could. There is a quote by Alan Redpath found in David Jeremiah's book called "A Bend In The Road" that says, "There is nothing, no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has come past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose." This pain and experience of losing Grady does have a purpose in my life.

God chose ME to help HIM fulfill His purpose for Grady's short life. And I'm here to tell you that Grady did have a purpose. I'm seeing it revealed in my life already. I wish that God had chosen a different way to steer me in this new direction. But I know that I wouldn't have the passion that I do had I not lost him. (I'll post more on that later!).

God knew Grady would never take a breath outside my womb. It was never God's plan for Grady to live on earth as part of my family, other than the time he lived inside of me. God had Grady's days numbered before he ever came to be. Psalm 139:13-16 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be".

Even though Grady isn't here with me physically, I will always carry him in my heart all the days of my life. AND, God will carry me all the days of my life.

God can love Grady like no one else can. Even though I love him with all of my heart...

Even though I felt like God had turned His back on me, I realized that He had been there all along, crying with me. Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".

One of the only things that has brought me comfort in losing Grady is that he never has to experience any of the hurt and pain and sin of this world. He went from being safe in my womb straight into the safe and loving arms of Jesus. Mark 10:14, "...let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these".

Through all of that, I realized that I am privileged, lucky and it is an honor to be Grady's Mommy. Even though this has been hard and painful beyond words, I am so fortunate and blessed to have been part of his short life. Because at least I got to know him, which is better than not knowing him at all. And I can honestly say, knowing the outcome, if I was asked if I would do it all again? My answer would be an absolute YES!

Love,
Tonya