Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, February 28, 2011

I Just Don't Post

Lately, it seems that when I'm struggling with things, I just don't post.

When I was dealing with my raw grief for Grady, I posted A LOT. This was my safe place to come and share my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure why it has become hard for me to "go deep" lately.

Maybe I don't have the mental or emotional energy. Maybe I feel selfish. Maybe I think people don't really care what I have to say. Maybe I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Maybe I don't want to sound like the "Debbie Downer" that I feel like I am.

You see, I'm struggling with some selfish thoughts that have to do with a few people in my life who I love very much. They all stem from expectations that I have or had at one point. (Speaking of which, I have a post that I started on December 19, 2010 still sitting in my inbox. I'm not sure if I will ever finish it and post it.)

I feel terrible that I expected anything from anyone in the first place, but it's hard for me to dismiss my feelings and brush them under the rug. Expectations only set you up to be disappointed. People will let you down, no doubt about it. Which is precisely why my eyes need to be turned more toward Jesus than people. That's a whole different post!

Anyway, in addition to that, my heart has been so burdened lately.

I'm heartbroken for the family of beautiful Kate McRae that her cancer has returned.

I'm heartbroken for the orphans in the world who desperately need a home. I found this blog recently and spent hours reading the story of the adoptions of their special needs children, one of who was five years old and weighed only 15 pounds when they brought her home. Her most recent post included a few children whose time is running out to be adopted before they are institutionalized forever. Oh, my aching heart. If I could save them all, I would.

I'm worried about my own little Emma Grace and her headaches. She is having them very frequently. They are not all severe, but they are all on the right side of her head and in and around her right eye. I've tried to pinpoint a trigger and can't seem to find one. I am going to have her eyes checked first, although I don't think that's her problem. She has some other concerning symptoms that precede her headaches, and to be honest, I'm scared to know what's going on.

Scared. To. Death.

Of course, my mind immediately races to the worst. I can't seem to help myself. I can't turn on a happy button and pretend that something might not be wrong.

My heart is heavy for my friend, Rachael, as her Baby David's first birthday is tomorrow and he is spending it in heaven. They came up with an awesome idea to celebrate his L.I.F.E. Visit her blog if you want to read more. I wish that I had thought of it myself to honor Grady. I need to figure out what I'm going to do to honor that precious boy and his family. I've been thinking about it but nothing has blown me away yet.

I'm anxious for my friend, Sara, as she is so close to having Baby Levi, praying every day for his safe arrival. I want him to be born now!

Oh, the list could go on. My heart is heavy. That's all I've got for now.


Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Park

I absolutely LOVE the small town where we live. I have to admit that it was a HUGE adjustment when we first moved here, and the only thing I liked was the school. But, I have since met so many amazing, awesome friends, and my girls have awesome friends, too. We have settled into a church that we love, which isn't too far from here, and honestly, I would love to stay here until all of our kids graduate from high school.

But one thing that I don't love about this area is the park. My apologies to all of you native "---------ians" (I've never disclosed where we live on my blog, but if you live here, you know what that word is!). I mean absolutely NO disrespect to you or this amazing town we live in. But, coming from Gwinnett County, where the parks are new or newly updated, the park here was quite a shocker.

In fact, Jessica was 6 when we moved here. We were driving around and passed the park. I called it to her attention and her words were, "That's the park?!" Don't get me has swings and slides and the essentials needed to have a good time. But we were very spoiled from our Mountain Park park that we frequented often.

All of that said, when I have the opportunity, I still enjoy taking the girls to the Gwinnett County parks to play. We have only been back to "our" park a couple of times since moving, but there is a great one near Gib's work that the girls enjoy.

Last Saturday, I volunteered at a consignment sale, and Gib had administrative duty at his high school. He took all three kids with him, and I picked them up when I was done. The weather was BEAUTIFUL, so we headed to the park.

I kept Matthew in the Baby B'jorn because he was absolutely exhausted from all the ladies oohing and aahing over him. He was interested in the noise for a bit, but then relaxed very sweetly on my chest. He didn't sleep until we got in the car to come home, but he sure was comfy!

My girls absolutely LOVE these spinning things. I would be sick as a dog, but they hold on for dear life and have me spin them FAST!

They see-sawed.

And went down the slides.

And ran around and just had a blast. Surprisingly, neither one of them got on the swings this trip.

Someone was MOST unhappy when it was time to go. I couldn't help but chuckle when I took this picture. It is SO Emma Grace!


And maybe the next time we go, Matthew can try out the swings.



Friday, February 25, 2011


He was supposed to be sleeping. Instead I found him doing this...

Having fun with his paci...using that right arm!


Sunday, February 20, 2011


So I don't forget and so I can document the date, our big boy Matthew rolled from his tummy to his back last night! I got it on video, so I guess I need to enlist my tech-savvy husband to make it into something I can put here.

I was getting Matthew ready for a bath last night, and I put him in his crib with just his onesie and a diaper. He was really trying to reach and turn himself to get his paci. I ran to get the video camera. I just felt like he was going to do something big. He was so active and determined.

After trying multiple times and not being able to, Jessica helped him turn from his back to his tummy. Once on his tummy, he started kicking his legs and working hard. Before we knew it, he had worked his way from his tummy to his back! Jessica, Emma Grace and I were all there, so he had lots of cheering to help him celebrate. He was clueless, but we were PROUD! I hope this is a sign of more great things to come!

Maybe I'll get the video up, but I wanted to share for our family memories.

Hope you had a great weekend!


Friday, February 18, 2011

Matthew, 7 Months Old, 2-16-11

Sweet Matthew. I cannot believe you are 7 months old already!

You are growing too quickly for my liking. You are one of the cutest babies I've ever laid my eyes on. For sure! I don't think your cheeks can get any bigger. They are one of the things I love the most about you. I love, love, love to kiss them, which I must do about 100 times a day. My lips get lost in them when I love on you. Sweet love!

Last week when we took Emma Grace to the doctor, I put you on the scale. I made sure you had on a dry diaper and light weight clothes. The scale said you weighed 18 lbs, 6 oz! WOW! You have the sweetest rolls on your legs, chubby fingers and feet and a big pot belly. You are simply delicious! You are definitely getting longer because your onesies are getting too tight to button at the diaper. We made the jump to size 3 diapers, and you're mostly wearing 6-9 month clothes.

You are mainly still eating mommy milk. Some days you don't get any formula; others 2-6 oz. You are eating one meal of solids a day, mainly because that's all I can fit in with your sleep schedule. (More on that in a minute.) I don't give you much rice cereal because it really constipates you. You have one frozen cube of avocado and sweet potato in the evening when we eat dinner. Squash is next on the list for you to try. You still drink 6 1/2 oz of milk every three hours with a little deviation for your last two feedings. I forgot what a challenge it was to introduce solids into the daily schedule. I'm looking to get you a sippy cup soon so you can start practicing.

You are working super hard on your motor skills and development. You have improved even more with your right arm/hand. You move it almost equally as much as your left. You are spontaneously reaching with it to grab toys, and you are able to bring them to your mouth. I checked on you the other day at nap time and caught you holding your paci in both hands over your head talking to it...too cute! You are also learning to transfer an object from one hand to the other (usually from right to left).

You can now reach your toes by yourself on the right side. That leg isn't as flexible as your left, so you don't get it up as far, but baby steps are proving very successful for you. It wasn't long ago that you could only touch your knee on the right side, so you've come a long way baby!

You have such a desire to sit up, but your muscles just aren't strong enough yet. Because the cerebral palsy affects your right side, you tend to lean to the left. We are working hard on helping to activate your muscles on the right and keep you sitting straight when you do. We lean you to the left and wave toys on your right to get you to move toward them. We also prop you on your right elbow for a few seconds to try to build some strength in your neck and shoulder.

Each time you finish a bottle, you waste no time using your core muscles to try to sit yourself up. I had to put you in the bouncy seat the other day while I was in the kitchen. I looked down and you were working HARD to get out of that seat!!! Too cute!

I really have a hard time knowing what to do with you for play and stimulation. You and I spend a lot of time together on the floor or you in my lap. You love your exercauser, but you're not supposed to be in it much because you can't sit on your own yet. It has the potential to encourage your poor posture which we don't want. You love to be on your back under the activity gym or just on your back with toys to the side of you. But the back of your head is just a little flat, and I'm trying to keep you off of it as much as I can.

You want to turn over, but you don't want to do the work needed to accomplish that. You are SO resistant to being on your left side at all! Your physical therapist said that is because if you want to play, you have to use your right arm and those muscles on that side, and it's much harder for you. I make you do it, but you are one strong little bear! You give me a good fight for sure! Even the therapist said you were one of the strongest she has ever had. You tolerate your left side better, but it's not your favorite either.

Tummy time has gotten better, especially since a special someone bought you one of those bees off eBay! (Thank you so much! He loves it!)

They really stress this for you, and you are able to tolerate it longer than before, especially if I time it right. I hate it, though, because you only stay awake for a short time and you usually spit up a lot on your tummy. Oh well. You are finally able to push up for a short time on your hands and you even wiggle your legs like you're trying to crawl. This week, the therapist showed me how to try to get your right hand open when you're pushing up.

You have to be the best sleeper in the world. Seriously! I try to rock you for a few minutes to snuggle with you, but when you're tired, you just want to be in your bed. I give you your lovey lamb and paci, kiss you and tell you, "Night, night, I love you". And I walk out. You "talk" to yourself for a few minutes, and go to sleep. But as of right now, you don't cry. The only time you cry is when you're overtired and have lost your paci. Sometimes at bedtime, you will fall asleep with your bottle or on my shoulder while I'm burping you. I treasure those moments when you're asleep and snuggled in my arms. Truth be told, I could sit there and hold you all night! Well, maybe half the night 'cuz I love my bed, too!

I've actually been keeping a sleep journal for you because I think you sleep too much. Yep, too much! You go to bed anywhere from 6:30 - 8:00pm. I know that's a big range, but it all depends on if you get your late afternoon nap. If not, you're in bed very early. If so, you're up till about 8pm. You wake up from 6:00 - 7:00am. I usually have to wake you up on school mornings to feed you before we take Emma Grace to school, but I let you sleep as long as you can on the weekends. :) Once you're up, you only stay awake for 1 - 1 1/2 hours at a time and you're ready to go back to sleep. Sometimes you just need a little catnap, but most of the time you will sleep for at least an hour, sometimes two. I mentioned this to Dr. E and he didn't seem too concerned. He said the fact that you are happy and seem fine when you're awake is "worth its weight in gold". He mentioned that your brain could be repairing those neurons/cells that were damaged from your brain bleed and porencephaly, and your brain can't do that when you're awake. I think you're doing lots of growing, too!

You have found a crazy way to soothe yourself to sleep. It's very hard to describe, but basically you shake your head back and forth, from midline to the side, rubbing the back of your head on the bed. (I'm convinced you're going to have a permanent bald spot on the back of your head!) I first noticed it when you were sleeping with me when you had RSV. It concerned me at first because I thought you were having a seizure. You also do it sometimes when Jessica and Emma Grace talk to you in your highchair. And you have a huge grin on your face the whole time!

You are learning your name and will turn to me when I say it. You have also become very interested in our dog, Buddy. You love to watch him, and just the other night, you broke into a full-on grin just looking at him while he was sitting next to you. After dinner one night, you grabbed a handful of the fur on his head. You loved it, but he didn't think it was so great. In typical Buddy fashion, he tolerated it until I could get your hand free.

You have learned to blow air out of your mouth without producing bubbles. You love to "talk". You do great riding in the car (you only cry when you're overtired). You love to play on your back. You like to put your blanket/burp cloth/bib/lovey over your face to play peek-a-boo. But you don't know how to get it back off, so you end up getting frustrated. You still love to just lay in your crib and watch your mobile. We occasionally lift you up so you can see it up close and personal.

Your sisters absolutely adore you. Emma Grace has a hard time holding you because you are so big and squirmy. Jessica can hold you for a bit longer but not by much! You love to just watch them and you smile at them all the time!

You have stolen our hearts, precious boy! We are SO proud of you and SO thankful that you are part of our family!

We love you more than words can say!

Hugs and kisses,


Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day! (and 15th anniversary)

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! And a special wish to my sweet, wonderful, amazing husband. This is our 21st Valentine's Day together, even though we've only been married 15 years. In years past, we always celebrated this day by going to our favorite Chinese restaurant. In the early 90's, we had a couple of years when we were officially "broken up". But I would hold my breath waiting for the phone to ring to be asked out to dinner. And low and behold, he always came through. Off to Chinese we would "friends". Yeah right...

Since I never got our 15th wedding anniversary pictures up, I decided I would share those today, in honor of my husband and the love we share. (A certain little someone decided to come into the world *early*, not long after our anniversary, which created a bit of chaos in our house, and I honestly forgot!)

In trying to decide where to celebrate, Gib suggested we go back to the place where we spent our wedding night, Chateau Elan. I thought it was a wonderful idea. We happened to mention to our waitress that we were celebrating our anniversary, and she brought us this beautiful plate of chocolate covered strawberries. It was hard to eat them, considering we had already enjoyed a huge dinner buffet and some sweets from the dessert table, but we I managed to put them away. I never turn down chocolate!

Our waitress took our picture in front of the fountain.

Then Gib and I went on a little stroll. We found a garden area with a bench and sat out as long as we could in the heat. This was on July 10th (anniversary July 8th). I was very pregnant with Matthew (actually I was only 32 weeks, but you know I get BIG! And for the record, this was the day that I had the excruciating pain in my uterus that led to me being hospitalized just days later). Hot summer night. Didn't last long!

I attempted to take our picture.

We saw another couple, who was also expecting a baby, and they very kindly took a picture of us.

I am holding in my hands the sweetest love letter EVER! I would love to share it, but it is too special, and I don't want to embarrass him. In it, he listed his top 15 memories/reflections of what he loves most about me. He then went on to say that we need to be married longer "because a list of 15 is nowhere near enough to list the things I love about you". Awww, how sweet! I'm hoping his list will be VERY long one day!!!

So, my sweet Gib, Happy Valentine's Day to you! I love you SO MUCH!


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tidbits from T

**Emma Grace is home sick today. I had to pick her up early from school on Tuesday because she had such a bad headache. I truly think she gets migraines. They always start in her right temple and end up "in" her right eye, and I can't pinpoint a trigger. She didn't have a fever and nothing else hurt. After some medicine and a three hour nap, she woke up feeling much better. However, when she went to bed that night, the headache was back. I kept her home until 10:00 yesterday morning so I could monitor her and make sure she felt well. She was bouncing off the walls, playing with Buddy and seemed fine. But when she got off the bus yesterday, she said her throat hurt and she had another headache. Last night her fever spiked to 101 and again at 5am. She is still sleeping and we are heading to the doctor. Strep is running rampant through her class at school.


Can it be summer yet! PLEASE?!

**Snow is on the ground again here but fortunately everything is moving as normal.

**Jessica is running track and is absolutely worn out after practice every day. Poor thing came home, had dinner, showered and immediately started on her homework. We were still up at 10:15 last night working on a paper for Social Studies. Normally it wouldn't have been a big deal for her, but for some reason, the teacher decided that each paragraph had to have a compound sentence AND a compound complex sentence. REALLY?! For a Social Studies essay. Whatever. I was NOT happy! She just got the assignment yesterday and the rough draft was due today. Poor girl was so tired that she could hardly write. She will be in bed extra early tonight.

**Matthew continues to melt my heart every day. Jessica pointed out that he smiles with his eyes before his mouth actually forms a smile. Yes, he does. He is absolutely the best baby I've ever seen! I do worry that he sleeps too much, though. I am keeping a sleep journal before I contact the doctor about it, but on Monday he was only awake about 5 hours. He is perfectly happy and seems fine when he is awake, but he can't stay up longer than 1 - 1 1/2 hours at a time. When I lay him down, he goes right to sleep with no fussing. He sleeps 12 hours at night. I'm really not complaining. I just want him to be okay.

He has two white shining teeth on the bottom. He has learned to blow out of his mouth with no bubbles. And, of course, he's still a little chunk. I can't wait to plop him on the scale at the doctor today when I take Emma Grace.

**I'm very frustrated with Kroger. I understand that it's all about marketing, but I hate that they increase the price of items and then stick a yellow "LOW PRICE" sticker next to it. One week an item will be $2.99, the next $3.19, the next $3.55. It really makes me mad!

**I was hoping to take Buddy to the groomer to get all spruced up, but I've had too many extra things hit my budget this month. Gib and I are going to have to suck it up and do it ourselves. I hate to bathe him, but he's overdue for sure.

**I'm trying hard not to be bitter and hurt by a few people in my life. I hate when people don't keep their word. If you say you're going to do something, then do it. I understand that life is busy and things come up. But when it happens over and over again, enough is enough. Don't make promises that you can't keep.

**I'm excited about an upcoming consignment sale in our town. I'm volunteering for a three hour shift so I can shop early. I'm looking for some toys for Matthew and some clothes for that growing boy! We made the official jump to size 3 diapers yesterday. I couldn't squeeze him into size 1-2 any longer. Poor boy. We gave the extras to his girlfriend across the street.

**I went to Sam's yesterday and treated myself to a piece of pizza and a diet coke (mixed with just a taste of cherry coke) all for $3.00. It was a BIG piece of pizza and it was yummy! Truth be told, I could have eaten two! Yes, I am still a pig these days!

**And last but not least, my sweet friend Sara is having a hard time. She is in the hospital on bed rest with a miracle baby who was conceived through embryo adoption. AMAZING! Her fifth baby, Samuel, was stillborn just a few days before our Baby Grady. She is traveling down that scary road of pregnancy after loss, and she had quite a scare with the baby last night. If you feel led, please pray for her peace of mind and the safety of Baby Levi. And pop over and give her some blog-love right here if you want.

That's all for now. Gotta shower and get ready for our trip to the doctor. I am NOT excited about taking Matthew in the sick waiting room. I will find an alternative if at all possible!


Monday, February 7, 2011


Just thought I better pop in for a minute and let y'all know that today is a better day. At least it is so far! Lots of things are going on with me right now. Not sure if I will share, but I would appreciate your prayers...

I'm trying to get used to this new routine Emma Grace has embarked on. She now wants to ride the bus in the mornings which is great because I don't have to wake Matthew or get out in the school traffic. But, I had my "groove on" for our morning routine and it has gotten changed up a bit. Quite a bit in fact. The biggest challenge is getting her up, dressed, fed and to the bus stop by 6:44. (We weren't leaving home till about 7:10 when I drove her.) I find myself holding my breath for Matthew to wake up. He goes so long at night that when he wakes up he is hungry NOW! Speaking of, sweet boy went to bed last night at 6:50 pm and slept till 7:00 this morning! He was only up for 50 minutes, and he was ready to go back down. It is now 9:15, and he's still sleeping! That Little Bear does love to sleep!!! And I love that he loves to sleep!

On a different note, I've enjoyed making my own baby food so far. Granted I've only made avocados and sweet potatoes but it's easy and much more economical! He gobbles up the avocado and had his first taste of sweet potato yesterday. He loved it, too! I'm still trying to figure out how and when to incorporate his solids, though. Right now it's kind of "fly by the seat of our pants". It has been a long time since I've done this. It will all fall into place eventually, I'm sure.

I hope all of you have a wonderful week!


Sunday, February 6, 2011


The phrase, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" can't be more true than it is today.

That's all I have to say.

For now.

Friday, February 4, 2011


Emma Grace took the bus to school for the first time yesterday morning. Jessica came home from school Wednesday sick with a stomach bug. (I'm not 100% convinced she didn't get a bad chicken sandwich at Chick-fil-A because she said she was perfectly fine until she ate. She went with the school to celebrate getting all A's on her report card, compliments of the school. Nice treat for the kids!)

Anyway, Emma Grace thought the bus was fun and wanted to ride it again this morning. But after she got up and heard the rain, she wanted me to drive her, then wanted to ride the bus, then drive her and so the story goes. She ended up riding the bus. (And a big thank you to Nicole who kept both of my girls dry this morning with her umbrella!)

Since Emma Grace was up early and had already eaten breakfast, I turned Oswald on for her. After she was safely on the bus, I sat back down to finish giving Matthew his bottle. Oswald was still on. The remote was too far away, and I was too lazy to get up again with a 17 lb bundle in my arms. So, I just sat and watched.

Weenie, the dog, had lost his ball of yarn. It fell out the window and kept rolling away. He and Oswald followed its trail. Along the way, it had tied people up and gotten caught in trees. When they found what was left of it, the dog, Weenie, was still able to play with it. On the way back to untangle everyone, they had found ways to play with it and make it useful. It was used as a jump rope, a swing, a clothes line, a knitting project, a hammock, a limbo stick, etc.

It reminded me of the following post that I wrote a long time ago about my grief and a ball of yarn. My reflections about all of this are below, after this post.

My Grief & A Ball of Yarn

What could those two things have in common???


Today has been one of those days where I've had a lump at the base of my throat all day. The tears wanted to come, but I wouldn't let them. Although, for some reason, I almost fell apart at Kroger tonight. No trigger. Nothing. Just almost started crying. But I composed myself. I fought it hard. The tears didn't come.

I haven't had a good cry in a long time. I let the tears well-up in my eyes and then blink them away. I keep swallowing until the lump doesn't feel quite so big. I keep taking very deep breaths so that I can get some air to help me not feel like I'm suffocating so much. It just takes soooo much energy to grieve. It takes soooo much energy to have the kind of cries that the love and hurt and lost memories of Grady bring about. There are times that I just don't have it in me to let go. And there are times when I don't feel "safe" to let it out.

You see, what I've found with this grief, is that it is somewhat of a personal thing. Yes, it is great to share my feelings with those who love and care for me. Yes, it is great to share my feelings with those who have walked a similar road. No, it is not good for me to keep it in. But the truth is this.....the ugly cries that really need to come to work through something like this are best done in private. Not just so no one sees how truly ugly I am while crying but for me to get the maximum benefit, or release, out of that sob session. And for me, that's literally what it is.

I think for many people they don't grasp the depth of the pain of losing an unborn baby. People say things like, "At least you didn't get to know him", "Something might have been seriously wrong with him", "At least you have two other children", "There's a reason". I don't know why, but one of the things I hated MOST to hear after Grady died was, "Well, you look good!" To me, that implied that I must be doing good if I looked good. Sure, the fact that I dropped 30 pounds in two weeks probably had something to do with it, but PLEASE! That is not the kind of weight loss regime that one desires! Anyway, I got so tired of it, that one night, when some poor soul (and I honestly can't remember who it was and if it was you and you're reading this, I do sincerely apologize!) brought a hot meal to our house, that person made the mistake of saying, "Well, you look good!" I know everyone who said this desperately just needed something positive to say to me and they were trying to make me feel better. But to this unfortunate person I replied, "Well that's a good thing because if the outside matched the inside, I'd look like sh--!"

So, what do my grief and a ball of yarn have in common?

When I went to my RTS Bereavement Training in March, we did an eye-opening exercise. We stood in a group of 6-7 people holding a ball of yarn. We were instructed to hold a piece of yarn in one hand and throw the ball itself randomly around the circle. Each time you threw the ball of yarn, you held onto a piece of it and you had to name how a mother (and/or father) bonds with the baby before that baby is ever born. So, our ball of yarn got thrown around the circle several times. Some ways mentioned that bonding occurs were hearing the baby's heartbeat, seeing the baby on ultrasound, feeling the baby move and kick, feeling baby's hiccups, preparing the nursery, naming the baby, baby showers, buying clothes/diapers, imagining life/holidays/vacations with the baby, etc. You get the idea.

All at once the leaders told us to stop. We then raised our arms over our heads and held up this "web" of yarn. It looked pretty cool from the bottom looking upward at the intertwined pieces of yarn. Then they told us to drop our yarn in front of us. It didn't look so cool anymore. In the middle of us was A BIG MESS! It was then explained to us that this is what grieving parents, who have suffered a loss, EVEN BEFORE BIRTH, have to unravel. As we were trying to "wind up" the yarn back into a neat ball, we kept encountering knots where the yarn would have to be more carefully worked with.

This is much like the grief that I have been, and still am, working through. From the viewpoint of an outsider, it shouldn't be that hard to lose a baby before he was born. After all, "I didn't get to know him". But nothing could be farther from the truth. I knew Grady very well. I knew him better than anyone else. And I knew him for 36 weeks and 5 days.

And I'm trying to clean up that mess and unravel the tangled yarn internally. You see, that tangled yarn is a good depiction of how my insides feel. It tells the story very well that my heart is broken. That even if I can work through some of the heartache, I will encounter bumps or "knots" along the way that may take longer to straighten out. That yarn is the clean-up that I'm trying to tackle every day. That mess of yarn represents the memories that I have of Grady, the memories that I won't get to make with Grady, the deep love that I will always have in my heart for Grady.

He's my son. My baby boy.

And I will never forget him!

And I will never let anyone else forget him, either.

And although I can't physically carry him here in my arms...

I will always carry him in my heart, forever and ever!

The original ball of yarn that bounced out Oswald's window was very much like my grief in the beginning soon after Grady died. While I've unraveled and worked through many of the kinks and knots of this "messy ball" in the last two years, the yarn and grief are still a part of me.

The ball of yarn started to unravel and I had to deal with each piece of it as it did. I had to learn how to live with it. How to incorporate it into my life and how to make the best of the situation I was faced with. The show paralleled this idea when everyone was first all tied up and tangled in it. But instead of being miserable, the characters decided to make it useful. Just like us grieving mommies have to decide to move forward. It's a choice. One that takes a lot of energy and hard work.

And what's left of the ball is usually then small enough for us to live with, cope with and tolerate on a daily basis. Just like Weenie was still able to play with what was left of his small ball of yarn. I'm so thankful that the ball gets smaller because I honestly can't imagine if it stayed as big as it starts in our hearts.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

The joys of having two big sisters!