Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The "R" Word

I'm coming to you today from a beautifully, sunny, almost hot Sunday afternoon in Northeast Georgia. However, the feeling inside of me is far from beautiful. It certainly does NOT match the weather outside.

***Warning*** This is not a happy post. If you don't want to read about how crappy I'm feeling today for fear that it might bring you down, too, or that you just don't want to hear it, then I suggest you "get the heck out of dodge" real fast!

If you're still reading, then I have a question for you.

Do you ever have days where you absolutely hate (yes, I mean literally hate) the way you feel?

Not just that you hate the way you feel, but no matter how hard you try and no matter what you say to yourself and no matter what you do, that feeling just won't go away?

I'm having one of those days today.

It started on the way home from church this morning, and I'm not sure why. We had a GREAT message, and I was really looking forward to another beautiful day with my family. However, by the time we got home I was feeling BAD! Grumpy. Crabby. Angry. Bothered.

So, you might be wondering what the "R" word is that I'm referring to as the title of my post...

After spending some time alone, I realized that I'm feeling very...


I even looked up the definition on Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary to make sure this was indeed what I'm feeling and it confirmed what I needed to know. Resent is defined as, "to feel or express ill will or annoyance at." Resentful is defined as, "full of resentment or inclined to resent."

This is hard for me to type and own up to today. But I'm always honest. Believe it or not, I do hold back on this blog. But I've decided not to today.

This is not a feeling that comes from the Lord. I know that. It comes from Satan, and I know it to be true with every ounce of my being! Yet, the devil has such a strong hold on me today, and I can't seem to make him let go! I don't want him to get the best of me, but I feel like it's too late.

So, you might ask, "Why are you resentful?" "What are you resentful of?"

Well, I'm so glad you asked. I'll be glad to tell you. Sit back and listen...

(By the way, these are listed in no particular order of priority, simply random thoughts as they come.)

--I'm resentful that since I don't work outside of the home, I'm expected to keep a clean house, when others living with me don't even pick up after themselves. (and yes, I feel like a drill sargent on a daily basis!)

--I resent the fact that everyone around me (my immediate family included) seems happy, when I'm absolutely still drowning inside from the grief.

--I resent that the world doesn't see how badly I'm hurting. The world didn't stop when Grady died - only my world stopped - and everything and everyone else continues at their own pace.

--I am resentful that pregnancy and childbirth are so easy for the majority of people.

--I resent that I loved teaching childbirth classes, breastfeeding classes, infant safety and cpr classes, and now I can't do that anymore because losing my baby has affected me in unimaginable ways.

--I resent that the innocence of pregnancy is forever gone in my world. Just because you are pregnant and have had healthy ultrasounds/blood work and you've made it past your first trimester in NO WAY guarantees that you are going to have a healthy baby.

Look how it turned out for me and Baby Grady!

--I resent the fact that my husband can take a nap at any given time, automatically assuming that I've got everything under control and will be there if the girls need anything.

--I resent the fact that I am expected to make a meal plan and find things that everyone will like, with no input from the rest of my family. Let me add too, that this must be done on a budget and with the healthiest choices made available. Easy? NOPE!

--I resent the fact that I don't have my baby here with me.

--I resent that I now have to find my "new normal", when my "new normal" is no different than the way life was before. (a post about that in the future!)

--I'm resentful of those who think I should be okay by now and can't understand why I'm not.

--I'm resentful that today is my mom's birthday and she's not here for me to wish her a happy birthday and share it with her. Although a heavenly birthday is better than any party I could ever give her! I just miss her!

--I'm resentful that I can't spend money without feeling guilty about spending it because I don't have a job that actually pays me money.

--I resent that no matter how badly I want things to be different, there's nothing I can do to change them.

--I'm resentful that I have to find ways to make Grady's life mean something since he's not here for his life to be valued for what it is.

--I'm resentful that I spend so much time on this computer and in the blog world because it brings me hope and encouragement reading about others' sufferings - HOW WRONG AND BACKWARDS IS THAT?!?!?! (I don't wish others to experience pain and suffering, but there is definitely some truth that "misery loves company". It's just nice to know you're not alone.)

--I'm resentful that society is afraid to talk about babies who have died from stillbirth. No one is afraid to speak of an elderly person who has passed, so why is it so difficult to acknowledge a baby who never lived outside of his/her mother???

--I resent that babies who are born alive, and live even for a few minutes, are valued and regarded differently and more highly than a stillborn baby.

--I resent that I have a nursery filled with baby stuff and baby clothes and no baby to enjoy them.

--I'm resentful that many times when I smile, it's not a real smile. It is forced. But it's what everyone wants and expects, so that's what they get.

--I'm resentful that I'm at a point in my grief, where no one really wants to still hear about Grady. That's old news and I should have moved on by now.

--I resent that I don't feel that I can freely bring up Grady, even with my husband, just because I want to talk about him. Just because I miss him. (As I said, everyone has moved on and is doing much better than me!)

--I resent that there are members of our families (mine and my husband's) who have NEVER acknowledged to me that I had a baby and he died.

--I'm resentful that when I'm asked how I'm doing, I want to scream that "I'M NOT OKAY", but instead, I obligingly give the sought after answer, "I'm good".

--I'm resentful that when someone who doesn't already know that Grady died asks about him, I end up comforting them because they feel so bad about asking (that, too, is a future post).

--I resent that I'm resentful!

There's more, but I'll stop there. I needed to write these things out. Thanks for listening and reading.

Please be in prayer for and with me that this resentment will diminish and go away. That these feelings will be replaced with joy for what I KNOW I'm blessed with and what I know I have. At times, though, it's hard to see the good because the bad overshadows it so....



  1. (((Tonya))),

    I'm so sorry. I wish that there was something truly insightful that I could say. I just know from my experience that when the anger hits, it hits HARD. I'm so sorry that you are in that stage right now because it is so draining and consuming. I'm praying for you. And if you need someone to just listen send me an email. Actually, I'm going to go send you one right now.

  2. I am with you, Tonya.

    It is so so hard to not give in to the resentment. It just overwhelms us sometimes.

    I am praying for you right now.

    Thank you for being honest. I am quite sure that everyone who has been through traumatic losses feels the resentment creep up on them. It is the why, why me? that just won't go away.
    I am saying that right now too.

    I have been praying/crying out to the Lord for His help, for Him to show up. I don't want to grow weary and just give up, though it seems so much easier to do than to keep struggling through this; but I am sure He will show up for you, Tonya, because He loves you.

    I love you too!

  3. Tonya,
    So much of what you said resonated LOUDLY with me today. I just want you to know that you are not alone in what you are feeling. We moved here just 3 months before Samuel died and for 5 months people would avoid me, women who went through pregnancy with me stood with a baby in their arms unable to acknowledge my Samuel. It was so hard and I had so many despairing days.

    I felt so under attack... Had my husband praying over me, telling Satan to have no way at all in our lives and praying for the Lord to give peace. I have to be honest, there were some days the peace didn't come. My husband kept reassuring me, that the Lord was there, but not necesarily granting me His peace right when I asked for it. But it did come. That was hard... I felt like I wasn't asking for much, not Samuel's life back just peace. I tell you this just so you know I can relate to so much of what you say.

    You are in my prayers... I am going to head out for a run and I love to pray while I run. You are heavy on my mind. I will be praying that you feel His presence through the grief is heavy. I will pray for that seed of joy and hope to grow within you today. God does love us deeply regardless of how it may feel some days.

    Thinking of you!

  4. I AGREE, I undersdtand!!!! How frustrating this life can be!! Wishing I could give you a big hug!

    I don't understand the pain we both have endured, I do not know why God has allowed these trials or whatever you want to call them but i do know He loves us more than I could ever know or understand.

    My heart is with you,

  5. i could have written that all myself....((hugs))

  6. i love you, friend. praying.

  7. Hey Tonya,
    I forgot to mention that I also was a childbirth teacher and doula so I can totally relate to not being able to do those things that used to bring you such joy... now just too difficult. I am so sorry you are having a hard day. Praying for you! Praying for God to turn our mourning into dancing in His time,

  8. Hi Tonya,

    Thank you for posting so honestly. I have felt every single one of these things--some of them so strongly that I couldn't even articulate how I'm feeling at the time. I hate that we all have to feel like this. And, yes, I will pray for that this feeling passes--for you, me, and all of the other women who are enduring. I wish I could give you a hug.

  9. Tonya -
    I can related to EVERYTHING on this post! I hate that, but it's a fact. Sitting here feeling like my day is going to be very hard and it's barely started. Thinking about having to lead a breastfeeding support group on Sat. and I really don't want to but there's no one else who can do it. Missing my baby with a physical ache that doesn't stop regardless of the weather, the day's activities, or what I believe. I'm trying to choose joy but it really feels like right now I'm just choosing survival. Praying for you, Tonya.

  10. Tonya,

    I just want you to know that I am out here praying for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I don't have the words to express the grief I feel for you. I know some say "God has a purpose", but I cannot fathom what purpose there is in taking a baby home. I just can't. And it shakes my faith too.

    Please know you are often in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I were closer to pray and cry with you. Paula