Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I Want To Know

Well, it seems that a Sunday can't go by without me posting about our message in church. I don't think I did last week, but I'm back with it again this week.

Andy Stanley is doing a series called It's Personal. The series is about how to have a relationship with God, getting past your internal battles, looking beyond your questions about God, not categorizing God, but knowing him personally.

Before you say, "Yeah, whatever." Please keep reading...

In case you haven't already figured it out, I am a Christian. This series is still good, even though I already have the relationship Andy has been talking about. But just because I already have this relationship, doesn't mean that I shouldn't work and strive to make it better. Just like with my marriage. I have a wonderful relationship, but I have to work to keep it good, strong, close, intimate, etc.

Today was part two, titled "Coming To Terms". Andy explored the fact that we need to come to God on His terms, not ours. On the terms of trust and humility alone. To let go of our expectations that God owes us something, answers to questions, explanations to why things happened and so forth.

All of this may sound foreign to you, but if you have even a tiny inkling of interest, I encourage you to click on one of the previous links in this post to hear or watch the message for yourself.

Here's where it got "personal" for me today. Toward the end of the sermon, Andy encouraged us to pray these words the next couple of weeks,

"God, if you can be known, I want to know you more than I want to know the answers to my questions.

Whoa... That's deep for me, friends!

I already know that God can be known. In fact, I feel like I already know Him and have a relationship with him. But what hit me deep in my soul, was the part about wanting to know him more than the answers to my questions. Andy was referring to non-believers and the questions they have and the pride and the internal battles that go on within.

But those words struck me.

Because when I sit back and reflect, I DO want to know God more. Of course I would love the answers to my questions. I would love to know why Grady died. I would love to know so many things. Not just about Grady but my life and the world in general. And maybe I'll ask Him in heaven. Or maybe I won't. Maybe heaven will be too great. Maybe those questions won't be so important and those answers really won't matter at all.

But as I sit here tonight, in my quiet house, listening to the rain outside and the train whistling in the distance,

I want to know God more than I want to know the answers to my questions.



  1. Oooh, this is so good.

    I love it. It reminds me of one of favorite
    Psalms. Psalm 131.
    It's so true. We won't understand the mind of God even if we had answers, but to know Him's an amazing honor.

    love you,

  2. This is a very wonderful thought. It turns the relationship from being concerned about me to being in awe of Him.

    Thanks for posting these thoughts.

  3. This is SO good. As of lately I have had questions about God that I have not been able to get past.

    This gives me a lot to think and pray about.


  4. Tonya, I found your blog off of Ebe's blog. I too lost my son last fall on October 30th, so close to you losing your precious Grady. Wow, our stories sound so similar in a lot of ways. It was one day after my due date and Samuel just stopped moving. They figure it was a cord accident. I was so moved by your story about Grady's birth. You have a beatiful way of sharing about him. I also loved hearing the first part about his service. Do you want to know something crazy? I told my husband Greg the exact same thing, that if we have another daughter her name will be HOPE. I have been clinging to that HOPE for the future God has planned for us. It has kept me going. I thought that was funny that you had said the same thing. I pray we will have 2 new HOPE's running around in the future:) I just wanted you to know I understand your deep pain and sorrow. I too found it nearly impossible to pray. For weeks all I could utter was HELP ME LORD! Some days that is still all I get out. But I think He understands. He too lost a son. I am praying for you right now Tonya. Praying for God's peace to wash over you. Thinking of you. Our family blog is
    Thinking of our sweet boys in Heaven together.