Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Premonition or Paranoia?

This topic has been on my mind the last couple of weeks. It started when someone on my stillbirth message board started a discussion about premonitions of our babies dying. I had thought about this, but not really. Lately, I can’t get it out of my mind...

I haven’t even shared this with Gib…

Was I having premonitions that Grady would die or was I just paranoid?

I’m not sure.

This is a hard post for me to write today. Hard, but necessary…

When I found out that I was pregnant a little over a year ago, it was really hard for me to believe. I honestly thought we were finished and our family was complete with our two precious girls. I literally had to keep reminding myself that I was pregnant. If I hadn’t been so nauseous, I truly think I might have forgotten. At least until my belly got so big...

It all seemed surreal to me.

Then I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks and saw that tiny heartbeat. WOW!

Two weeks later, that “bean with a beat” now had sprouts growing off of it (arms and legs).

And so it went, week after week, I got bigger and bigger. Five ultrasounds of a healthy baby. Ultrasound of my cervix every two weeks. Normal blood work. Full-term baby. Seemingly healthy baby...

I was unsure about having a little boy in our “girl world”. It was hard for me to picture him as part of our daily lives. As much as I wanted to, and tried, I never could fully grasp it my entire pregnancy.

Fast forward to when we were painting the nursery. I picked the color, Gib painted and put the crib together. This was in July before he went back to work for the school year. I thought, “Have we jumped the gun?” “Are we doing too much too soon?” "What if something happens to him?" I tend to be a procrastinator and didn’t want to have the stress at the end of the pregnancy to rush and get everything done at once.

At the time, I just thought I was worried about prematurity – which was true.


Premonition or paranoia???

When we would talk about him, we would always say “Baby Grady”. That sounded so sweet to me. But when I would picture myself calling his name as he got older, “Grady” didn’t seem right. I’m not sure why because I love that name. I just couldn’t picture him being any bigger than a baby.


Then came the baby showers. I had two (well, four really). One small one with my very closest of friends, and one with the people I worked with. My supper club gave me a diaper shower, and Gib’s co-workers went in together to get us a really nice big gift.

As I was writing my thank you notes, I would always hesitate when writing something like, “I know he will look so cute in that outfit” or “I know Baby Grady will have a great time playing in that activity center”. This was just the week before he was to be born, but ultimately died. I can’t explain the hesitancy I felt every time I wrote those words...

Premonition or paranoia???

I remember Gib putting together the activity center right after we got it. I should have been excited, but I felt a little angry that he was doing it so soon. After all, Grady wasn’t even here yet and he wouldn’t be able to play in it until he was about 4-5 months old. Why go ahead and do it? Oh well, I let it go but distinctly remember telling him, “Don’t throw away the box!”

What did he do?

He threw away the box... (sigh) Now we have a great Baby Einstein activity center that can’t be taken back. It’s just sitting in the closet.

Premonition or paranoia???

I don’t know. But I remember telling a friend of mine that I really wasn’t surprised that Grady wasn’t here with us. The whole pregnancy just seemed so surreal to me.

Surreal or not...

I hate it!

I wish he was here...



  1. I don't know. I hate this struggle.

    I hate to think it was premonition. I hate to believe that we knew but couldn't do anything about it.

    The feelings we have are so confusing.
    It is so bizarre.
    I wish there were concrete answers.

    I wish Grady was here today. I'm sorry, Tonya.

    I hate it too.

  2. I wonder if I would even remember these thoughts if Felicity hadn't died:

    I remember feeling nervous about labor, which was bizarre since I'd already had two births and they turned out fine.

    I too had a weird feeling about our family being a family of 5 instead of just 4. I could picture a little girl, but it still seemed weird.

    I don't know the exact definition of Premonition (I suppose I could look it up - maybe later), but the word has such an ominous sound, almost evil. So I wonder where these thoughts we had came from?

  3. When I lost my first baby, I knew the moment I found out, that the pregnancy was going to end. I even told my husband that something just wasn't "right". He told me I was crazy, but I sadly ended up being right. I hated that feeling, truly hated it. It robbed all my joy.