I'm sad today. Very sad. There was no particular trigger. Just this journey of grief. Today, I put on a smile, but it's only fake.
I miss him every day of my life. Some days are better than others. Today is just not a good day...
I miss my Baby Grady.
I miss holding him in my arms. I miss his weight on my chest while holding him close. I miss snuggling him on my chest under his blue blanket. I miss his smell. I miss his soft skin. I miss his chubby cheeks. I miss his dark, head full of hair. I miss kissing him. I miss the feel of him. I miss his long fingers and big feet. I miss being able to look at him. I miss the chance to take pictures with him.
I just miss him.
I miss what he would be today...
I miss what he would look like. I miss what color his eyes would be. I miss seeing him smile (would he have big dimples like Emma Grace?). I miss hearing him chuckle. I miss changing his diapers, even the stinky ones...even the "blowouts". I miss him peeing on me. I miss wiping (sometimes catching) spit up. I miss changing his clothes several times a day. I miss him teething. I miss being up at night with him. I miss him sucking his thumb or taking a paci. I miss him playing in his activity center that sits in the closet in his empty room. I miss him learning to sit up in his Boppy pillow (that also sits in the closet in his empty room). I miss seeing him wear cute boy clothes. I miss rocking him to sleep. I miss bathing him. I miss nursing him. I miss feeding him cereal and new baby foods. I miss taking him everywhere I go. I miss taking him on walks around the neighborhood. I miss showing him off to my friends. I miss having him attached to my hip or in the Baby Bjorn carrier. I miss reading to him. I miss singing to him. I miss seeing his big sisters love on him and play with him. I miss being able to love on him and play with him. I miss kissing him. I miss seeing my husband love on and play with his "little boy". I miss all things about having a baby. Because I don't have him...
I just miss him.