Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Miss...

I'm sad today. Very sad. There was no particular trigger. Just this journey of grief. Today, I put on a smile, but it's only fake.

I miss him every day of my life. Some days are better than others. Today is just not a good day...

I miss my Baby Grady.

I miss holding him in my arms. I miss his weight on my chest while holding him close. I miss snuggling him on my chest under his blue blanket. I miss his smell. I miss his soft skin. I miss his chubby cheeks. I miss his dark, head full of hair. I miss kissing him. I miss the feel of him. I miss his long fingers and big feet. I miss being able to look at him. I miss the chance to take pictures with him.

I just miss him.

I miss what he would be today...

I miss what he would look like. I miss what color his eyes would be. I miss seeing him smile (would he have big dimples like Emma Grace?). I miss hearing him chuckle. I miss changing his diapers, even the stinky ones...even the "blowouts". I miss him peeing on me. I miss wiping (sometimes catching) spit up. I miss changing his clothes several times a day. I miss him teething. I miss being up at night with him. I miss him sucking his thumb or taking a paci. I miss him playing in his activity center that sits in the closet in his empty room. I miss him learning to sit up in his Boppy pillow (that also sits in the closet in his empty room). I miss seeing him wear cute boy clothes. I miss rocking him to sleep. I miss bathing him. I miss nursing him. I miss feeding him cereal and new baby foods. I miss taking him everywhere I go. I miss taking him on walks around the neighborhood. I miss showing him off to my friends. I miss having him attached to my hip or in the Baby Bjorn carrier. I miss reading to him. I miss singing to him. I miss seeing his big sisters love on him and play with him. I miss being able to love on him and play with him. I miss kissing him. I miss seeing my husband love on and play with his "little boy". I miss all things about having a baby. Because I don't have him...

I just miss him.



  1. I'm so sorry, Tonya. I miss them too. So much it hurts.

    Praying for you.

    Tell Emma Grace she's right, they do have the same nose and the same look of serious concentration. Our boys...

  2. I am so sorry. I am crying with you.

    Did you read Lynette's post today? Grady is a perfect soul. One day you will no longer miss him... even though that doesn't change today, I pray God would walk with you through your grief.

  3. Oh, I know just how you feel today... I miss my little ones so much too. I'm sorry you are having a rough day. I hope it helps a little to be able to blog about what your feeling, and to know that others that have experienced this similar pain are right there with you. I'm so sorry.

    I get some peace in thinking that our angels are all together in heaven having the best time ever. We'll be with them again, one day.


  4. I am so sorry. I know the gut wrenching feelings you are having.

    Praise God that we know right where our boys are!


  5. I'm so sorry, Tonya.

    I miss Kyler every single "would be" 5 year old now. It's still so hard to believe he is not here with us.

    I wish I could give you a hug. I'm praying for you.


  6. He's beautiful. I wish you weren't missing him, I wish he was in your arms.


  7. Tonya,
    Grief is so complicated and so beyond our abilities sometimes. I know that having struggled recently with a few days of depression. Thank the Lord, He carried me through. There's a saying that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body for the rest of your life. It's even harder when your heart is in Heaven and you're still on earth.
    Do you have M.E.N.D. in your area?

  8. (((HUG))) I struggle with the same emotions. Your precious Grady was so beautiful. My thoughts and prayers are with you... I don't know what else to say. Words are so pointless when a mother loses the baby she loved so much.