This Year - November 12, 2009, Remembering - November 12, 2008

I finally have the time (I think) to write about Baby Grady's first birthday. It was not how I pictured it when I was pregnant with him, that's for sure! But it was a peaceful day filled with lots of emotion.

And I felt the love of many throughout the day.

First of all, let me show you what accompanied my day of remembering and baking. Call it a shrine, or whatever you like. I don't really care. I lit Grady's special candle and it burned all day. (except for when I went to get Emma Grace from school) I went through four tealights! I put his urn, his picture and the two beautiful flower arrangements on the corner of the island. I loved having them nearby, so I could see them all day.



I made the decision not to talk to anyone on the phone yesterday. I decided only to talk to those I had to see in person. I didn't answer the phone, texts or emails.

So, if you called and left me a message, thank you! Thanks for not putting pressure on me to call you back. Thanks for just letting me know you were thinking of me, praying for me and remembering Baby Grady.

If you texted me, thank you for taking the time to do so!

If you emailed me, thank you for taking the time to write me!

If you sent cards in the mail or came by and put them in my box, thank you!

If you left gifts on my door or gave them to me in person, thank you!

If you sent me flowers, Sally, thank you!

If you simply thought of and prayed for me, thank you! I definitely felt your prayers.

You will never know how loved I felt. It was a really hard day emotionally. My 'tear switch' turned off and on many times, some stronger than others, especially last night.

It was an odd sort of day. I woke up very sad knowing what was ahead.

Remembering.

Remembering and reliving memories can be emotionally exhausting.

But I also woke up knowing that I had already lived through the worst of it. The worst was when I found out there was no heartbeat. The worst was seeing him so perfect but silent. The worst was handing him over to the funeral home, knowing I wouldn't see him again until heaven. And if I lived through that, and the intense grief and heartache that followed, I knew I would get through his first birthday.

And I did.

When Gib kissed me goodbye at 4:45am, I remembered how, one year ago at that time, I told him that he needed to pray for the baby because he hadn't moved. He sat down on the bed and prayed with me while I cried. This year, he simply left the room and headed to work.

Around 8am, I remembered that it was about the time, one year ago, that Gib came home from work because he knew something was wrong. This year, I was starting to make Grady's cake.

While the cakes were baking, I straightened the house. I picked up, cleaned off the island in the kitchen and vacuumed.

I was then overcome with sadness around 10am. It was that time, one year ago, that we learned there was no heartbeat. I will never forget the conversation..."Dr. [Joe], I don't see a heartbeat" Dr. Joe's reply, as the life sucked out of him, "I don't see a heartbeat either". This year, I sat down and wrote him an email, thanking him for the wonderful doctor he is and letting him know that the long hours, hard work and many sacrifices he makes have a huge impact on the lives of his patients.

Around 11:20, I remembered that, one year ago, as we were driving home from the hospital, my friend, Annette, texted me to ask if I wanted her to bring lunch to me after she left work. I simply replied, "Not today". She asked if everything was okay and I couldn't reply... This year, I was trying to level the six layers of Grady's cake.

One year ago, at 1pm, Gib went to check Jessica out of school and Emma Grace came home from Lunch Bunch. I remembered how hard it was to tell them. I remembered how Jessica was in shock and said, "You mean Baby Grady died? Inside of you?" And I remembered how heartbroken Emma Grace was, crying, "I didn't want Baby Grady to die". Oh, how I didn't want him to die either... But, this year, I was mixing my first batch of homemade butter cream frosting. First batch, first time EVER!

A little after 2pm, I remembered how, one year ago, we took the girls next door. I was late leaving for the hospital but I didn't care. Emma Grace was too upset for me to leave any sooner. I comforted her until she was calm enough for me to leave her. I didn't want to leave her, but I had to go do the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...

We had no cash for parking and needed gas, so we stopped by Kroger. Gib dropped me off to go buy him a bottled water and get cash back. He went to get gas. I walked out of Kroger, literally, in a daze. A state of shock. I was trying to absorb what was about to happen and what had already taken place. I remembered that as I started walking to the gas pumps, I saw my friend, Annette, who texted me earlier in the day. She stopped, very cheery...I was a zombie. She asked what was wrong, and all I could say was, "It's the worst that you could imagine". (Her) "What?" (Me) "He died." (Her) "Who?" (Me) "The baby." She jerked her van into park, got out and gave me a huge hug. Just then Gib pulled up to get me. I know that my small town heard the news within five minutes of me seeing her. The prayers started, and I sure needed them.

This year, at that time, I was sitting in the car pool line, bawling my eyes out, waiting for Emma Grace to get out of school. I was writing in my Baby Grady journal. Remembering. Pouring out my heart to him. And God.

This year, once we were home, I made my second batch of icing and started on the side of the cake. Emma Grace had a great time watching, and licking one of the beaters! One year ago, we had just gotten to the hospital and I was hearing about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) for the first time...

Gib came home from work early this year, too. He went to get Jessica from her service organization meeting at school while I had my friend next door, Nicole, come show me how to attach a coupler and tip to a frosting bag because I was getting VERY, VERY frustrated! She showed me that and also taught me how to make starbursts around the cake.

Jessica came home and made a few starbursts around the bottom of the cake. She had commented on how cool she thought the icing bags were, and I just had to let her help. The girls, together, made a rainbow out of Skittles on top of the cake. (I think the same amount that went on the cake also went into their mouths!)





I got brave and wrote his name and a heart.



Gib blew up some balloons and we wrote messages to Grady on them.






One year ago, from 3:20 - 5:30, I was doing admission paperwork and being "prepped" for my c-section. I made the decision with the anesthesiologist to have a spinal instead of an epidural. I also made the decision to remain awake for the procedure...it was the least I could do. My friend, Suzanne (from the NICU), approached me again about NILMDTS photos, which I thankfully agreed to, with the stipulation that they were to be of just him (HUGE REGRET!). Lori (my other friend from NICU) came in to visit me before heading to the OR, and so did Dr. Joe.

Promptly at 5:30, one year ago, I made the long, dreaded walk to the OR. It was the coldest room that I ever remember being in. I got my spinal and started having a VERY fast heart rate. I was nauseous and felt miserable. The surgery started. I remember just apologizing to Gib over and over. Hearing nothing but instruments clanking, machines beeping and sniffles, lots of sniffles.

Around 5:30, this year, my friend and mentor, Alice, brought dinner for our family. My friend and neighbor, Jenny, brought over a gift.



And she took this family picture before we released our balloons. It was a cool, crisp, sunny fall day this year, just as it was one year ago.




I remember during my c-section wanting so badly to know when Dr. Joe had the baby out. The nurse anesthetist told me she would let me know. At 6:14pm, one year ago, she gently put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Dr. [Joe] has the baby out." The silence was deafening. I didn't know it could be so. Suzanne asked if we wanted to see him then or wait until recovery. We agreed to wait until recovery.

This year, at 6:14pm, we acknowledged his birth at the dinner table. I lost my appetite and suddenly became EXTREMELY sad. I remembered the hope I had that the ultrasound was wrong. That the stillness inside of me was a mistake... Shortly after, we put Grady's cake on the table with a bowl of Skittles.

We took turns putting a Skittle into the side of the cake while telling something we missed about Baby Grady or wished that we could have done with him, as a baby or as he would have gotten older. We didn't make it all the way around the cake which was okay. The girls were just ready to eat some. And I was anxious to see what the inside looked like!



We put one candle on the cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to him. The girls stood in their chairs and made a big production of it. I was so glad they did!




We blew out the candle together and cut the cake. It turned out beautifully!




My orange layer looked a little peach and my red wasn't as vibrant as I wanted, but I don't think it turned out too bad. Especially considering the extent of my cake baking until now was in a 9x13 glass dish with icing just on the top! It was so good to have something to do for him. I'll be honest...there were a few times that I wanted to stop and give up. But I didn't. I couldn't give up on the only thing that I could actually *do* for my baby, besides remember.

As we were finishing the cake around 7:30, I remembered, one year ago, that was about the time that I first laid my eyes on my angel on earth. I held him for the first time and asked him what happened...why he had to leave so soon? Gib left for home around 9pm. Suzanne was on-call for the NICU that night so she stayed with me until around 11pm. I asked if the midwife who delivered Jessica was there and she was...she came in for a short visit, too. I couldn't sleep. I stared at his bassinet all night. Wishing he wasn't so quiet...

This year, during that time, I read a bedtime story with Emma Grace and got her in bed. I then read one of the sweetest, kindest letters from my friend, Mary Beth. She wrote four pages of her perspective of what happened 'one year ago'. It was so interesting to read, and I cried at the heart of a true friend...the sadness and brokenness that she felt. And if she felt that, she could only imagine what I was feeling. Honestly, no one has EVER said or written anything so kind and touching to me before. Thank you, MB! I love you so much!

I had planned for us to watch Grady's NILMDTS dvd and read the book "Tear Soup" that my sweet blog friend, Sara, sent me. But the girls were tired and Jessica still had homework to finish and two tests to study for. I was disappointed at first but realized we had spent some beautiful time remembering and honoring him. We can watch the dvd and read the book any time. It's all about putting things into perspective...

I went to bed completely exhausted and emotionally spent. I wanted to spend time in his room, just me and him. But I just couldn't. I couldn't remember anymore. I was drained and simply needed to go to sleep. I grabbed his blue crochet blanket that I still sleep with and held it as close to me as I could.

His first birthday was a day of peace. A day of remembering. A day filled with love and tears. It was a day I'll never forget. Another day where God carried me through.

Thanks for remembering with me.

Love,
Tonya

One Year Ago - November 12, 2008

This beautiful baby boy was born on this day, one year ago, at 6:14pm.



His name is Grady Thomas. He weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long.

I'm sure his eyes were blue. He had a sweet little nose. A dimpled upper lip and chin. (I just know he would have had Emma Grace's dimples!) Chubby cheeks. Perfect ears. The most beautiful, perfect rosey-red lips. A head full of dark hair. Skin as soft as silk. Long fingers. Big feet. Cute toes.

Scrumptious from top to bottom. Head to toe.

I kissed him. I cuddled him. I held him. I stroked his soft hair. I played with his fingers. I looked at his toes.

The time was too short. But at least I have memories that will hopefully last me a lifetime.

They have to be enough...

So here's my boy again, on this his first birthday. I'm including some pictures that I've never shared before. Untouched. Unedited.










The red mark on his forehead was a pressure point and the bruise on his cheek was caused from pressure also.

He's still beautiful to me!

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY GRADY! I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH! HUGS AND KISSES TO HEAVEN! MOMMY

I'll post more tomorrow.

Love,
Tonya

One Year Ago - November 11, 2008

I really hope I haven't confused all of you with the dates and what I've written. This evening is when Grady went to heaven. Tomorrow, the 12th, is the day he was born. I'm not sure which is going to be harder to get through.

Today, one year ago, I woke up as normal and felt great. I did take Emma Grace to school again but came back home to rest. After I picked her up and we ate lunch, I wasn't feeling too well. I was just really tired. I checked my blood pressure several times throughout the day. It was fine. A couple of times it was even a little low. Not too low, but lower than normal.

At 2pm my doorbell rang and it was Nicole coming to help me finish Grady's nursery. To my surprise, her husband, Christian, was with her. I don't remember if he had taken the day off or come home early, but nevertheless he was here and was a great help. He vacuumed my house! I couldn't believe it! While Nicole and I were in Grady's room, he was fast at work.

I sat in the glider rocker and told Nicole where to put everything. She opened a pack of newborn diapers. She hung up his clothes, just the way I asked, with the hangers and clothes turned a certain way. She put his clothes that belonged in the drawers there, too. She packed the diaper bag and hung it on the door of his closet. Where it is still hanging, by the way...

As we were working, I commented on Grady's hiccups. He was alive, kicking and all seemed well. That was about 2:30 in the afternoon.

The bus came at 3pm. Jessica got herself a snack, did her homework and got on the computer. By this time it was around 4:30. I was sitting in the recliner talking to my friend, Amy Ellen. As we were talking, Grady gave me a HUGE kick. Not so huge that I was concerned, but it was big. I could feel the outline of his foot protruding on my stomach. I motioned for the girls to come feel. I'm so glad I did. They thought it was so cool, and so did I.

Little did I know that would be the last time we ever felt him.

I truly believe that's when he died. I often wonder if the big kick came from him being in distress or if the big kick caused his distress. Dr. Joe really believes that Grady layed (laid?) on his cord, compressing it and therefore cutting off his oxygen supply. Grady didn't fight or flutter. At least not that I felt. And I'm so thankful. Because as mommies of stillborn babies, we often wonder if our babies suffered inside of us. It's our job to protect them and when they die inside of us, we often feel like a failure. We couldn't even protect our babies where they're supposed to be safely growing. We're supposed to bring life into the world, not death.

I digress.

During my conversation with Amy Ellen, I clearly remember telling her that I was done..that I honestly never wanted to be pregnant again. Obviously that was before I knew Grady would go to heaven so soon.

Not long after that, around 5pm, Gib came home from work with another slew of food from his coworkers. I got off the phone to see what he had brought in. I started to feel a little nauseous and thought I just needed to eat. At the dinner table, Grady didn't move. Caution flag number one. He ALWAYS moved during dinner. I thought it odd, but wasn't too concerned.

After dinner I went to rest on the bed. On my side. In the quiet. No movement. Caution flag number two.

I knew better, but I got up to go do the dishes. I love my husband with all of my heart, but he doesn't do dishes. It's like pulling teeth. He hates it. I needed to do something because the lack of movement had me concerned at this point and I needed to try to get my mind off of it. I didn't work too hard, but I was determined that my kitchen would be presentable.

I was propped up on Jessica's bed that night around 8:45 helping her study for a Social Studies test the next day. I started poking on my tummy to see if I could get him to move. She asked what I was doing and I told her I hadn't felt him move in a while. She poked too and put her head to my belly and started talking. Nothing. Caution flag number three. I was worried by now but was telling myself I was just being paranoid, that he was fine.

I fell asleep with her that night in her bed and got up around 12am. After emptying my bladder, and praying while I was on the toilet that Grady was okay, I just knew that when I got in my bed I would feel movement. Waited. Waited. Turned to the other side. Waited. Waited.

Nothing.

My heart sank. I was nauseous with worry. My legs were weak, even though I was laying down. My stomach felt more flaccid or floppy. Not as toned as it was. This is where the first warning sign appeared. A big red one.

Gib had fallen asleep in Emma Grace's bed. I didn't go wake him up. Instead around 2am I got up to get my stethoscope. I had never tried that with Grady but I did with Jessica and I heard her heartbeat just fine. That's how they used to do it in the "old days" before dopplers. I found my heartbeat but not his. I knew in my gut that he was gone. But it's very hard to describe...even though I knew he was gone, I was still rationalizing with myself that he was okay.

Because I SO badly wanted him to be okay!

I told myself that even though I was measuring 38 weeks, I was only 36 weeks and 5 days. He probably wasn't as big as Jessica when I heard her. Maybe he was in a position where I couldn't pick up his heartbeat.

Heck, maybe he was in a position where I just wasn't feeling him move.

Wishful thinking.

So there I was. All night. Awake. Alone. Praying. Begging God to let Grady be okay.

I don't remember what time Gib came to bed but I didn't dare tell him. No need in both of us losing sleep. I lay there and contemplated calling Dr. Joe. But then I would have to wake someone up to come stay with the girls and disturb Dr. Joe (turned out he was at the hospital all night anyway). But I rationalized, and this does sound harsh, that if he was dead at 3am he would still be dead the next morning when I went into the office. And then I thought that maybe if I hurried to the hospital they could save him...

But I knew it was too late.

He had been still far too long...

I'll pick up here tomorrow.

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Today was just okay. I didn't cry all day but there was definitely a heaviness present. And it's still there. And the tears have come off and on all day.

First thing this morning, I was getting ready to back out of my garage to take the girls to school when I heard Jessica yell, "Whoa Mom. Miss Jenny!" Jenny is my friend and neighbor across the street. She is a faithful reader of my blog and the one who lit the candle and put it outside on October 15th for Grady. She pulled up my drive on her way to work to give me a hug and let me know she was thinking of me this week, especially today and tomorrow. That was a great way to start the day...thank you!

I tried to keep myself busy around the house. I made a list and went to Walmart to buy the things to make Grady's cake. I'm a bit nervous about that, I must admit!

This afternoon around 4:45pm, right around the time that I think Grady went to heaven, I retreated into his room and journaled in the rocker. It was a time of tears and love and reflection. I decided that we needed to release a balloon today. I still plan for us all to release one for him tomorrow, but we needed one for today, too. Unfortunately, by the time I decided to do this, it was already getting dark. The pictures of it flying away aren't very good, so I didn't post them.






When the balloon flew away, it floated in the direction of my "Baby Grady star". It's a star that I discovered a couple of nights after coming home from the hospital. It just recently reappeared in the same place that I discovered it this time last year. (I know it's probably always in the sky, but it's not always in this particular spot)

Then we went to the Mexican restaurant for dinner. I just couldn't sit at the dinner table tonight at home. I guess because that's where I first suspected a problem.

And I also got these beautiful flowers today from a dear friend, and Gib's best friend, Stephen, and his boys, Nick and Noah. They were a lovely surprise and brightened my day. Thanks boys!



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My Sweet Baby Grady,

How I wish we could turn back time and things could be different. I wish those things for myself because I'm selfish and I miss you with every breath I take. But I don't wish that for you. As much as I wish you could be here, as much as my arms ache to hold you, as lonely as it is without you, I wouldn't wish you back here. You are in the most magnificent place you could be and I can't wait to join you there some day! We would have done our best to give you a happy, loving, Godly home, but nothing compares to heaven. Surely there was a celebration there for you today! You've been there a whole year! It seems like an eternity to me. I love you and I miss you more than words can say!

Hugs and kisses to heaven,
Mommy

One Year Ago - November 10, 2008

This is the last full day that Grady lived.

It was also the day that I 'most disobeyed' Dr. Joe's orders.

Over the weekend, I had rested. I checked my blood pressure incessantly. It was fine. No swelling. Everything seemed great. Other than the normal discomforts of pregnancy, that is.

So, on the morning of November 10th, a Monday, Jessica rode with the neighbor to school, and I decided that I wanted to drive Emma Grace to preschool. Her school is five minutes away. I honestly didn't see the harm in it. (Did I mention before that nurses are the worst patients?!) It wasn't stressful. It wasn't far. There was no traffic. I didn't even have to get out of the van. Drop her off and head back home.

And that's exactly what I did. And once home, I rested, again, in the recliner and on the sofa. Watched tv and dozed.

At 11:30, I went to pick her up. I didn't go in...I just pulled up to her teacher's door and into the van she came.

Then it was home for lunch and more snuggling with my baby girl. Resting until 2pm when my friend and neighbor, Nicole, came over to help me with some things around the house. She did this several times and it was amazing how many orders I could bark out in that one hour before the bus came. We talked about what was left to do and decided we would finish the nursery the next day and get his clothes sorted and organized. The bassinet was already set up in our room, and the car seat was in the van.

Gib came home from work that afternoon with a pile of food from some of his wonderful clerks/secretaries. We enjoyed a delicious meal. Grady was as active as ever. Seemed to be pretty happy in there, kicking and hiccuping away.

After dinner, I sat in the recliner and wrote thank you notes for Gib to take with him the next day. I didn't want to wait because I didn't think I'd have much time after Grady arrived...

As I recall, the night seemed pretty uneventful after that. Baths (which I did not give), bedtime stories and songs (which I did participate in) and off to bed we all went. Still in shock that I had made it so far and that we were only four days away from having Baby Grady here with us...

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I missed seeing the people from my regular support group last night, but I have to tell you that I truly enjoyed the new one I attended. There were some deeply broken hearts around that table and tears were shed, for sure. I was not sure, at first, that I had come to the right place when I arrived because everyone seemed older than me. But when the meeting started and the facilitator shared her story, she had experienced a stillbirth 19 years ago with her first baby girl...

I relaxed after that.

I was received well, welcomed with love and parted with hugs. The drive was much closer, although I can't say nicer. I was traveling about 60 miles per hour when a deer tried to run in front of me. I'm so thankful I dodged that accident! Thank you Lord!

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It's been a miserably rainy day here again. We've gotten so much rain the last two months it's unbelievable. I love to hear the rain and love to stay inside. But staying inside is not an option with a puppy without a fenced backyard!

It was the kind of day where I changed our typical Tuesday night dinner plan from pizza to homemade broccoli-cheese soup with some hot, crusty french bread. It was delicious and was just what we needed for a cold, rainy day.

The biggest problem with the rain is that our roof is leaking. We have vaulted ceilings in our family room which makes it hard to get in the attic and over to where the problem is. Gib managed to get up there and find the leak. He tried to patch the problem, 'put a band aid on it' as he called it, but he's quite stressed. Which is making me stressed. We're not sure where the problem is coming from on the outside, and a new roof is not in our budget right now.

Sigh.

At least we didn't have any feet coming through the ceiling tonight!

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I had a great afternoon with my girls today. Since it was raining there was no playing outside. They came home and we had some hot chocolate together before starting homework. Watching the rain...Talking...Just being together... I loved it! And let me tell you, if you haven't tried Nestle's 'Chocolate Caramel' Hot Chocolate you must very soon! If you like caramel, that is. Emma Grace wanted regular but me and Jessica had it and it was yummo-delicioso!

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That's all I have for tonight. I'm honestly not looking forward to tomorrow.

It's the day he went to heaven.

I'll post about that some time tomorrow.

One day at a time...

Love,
Tonya

At a Loss

For once, today, I'm at a loss for words.

I can't decide what to blog about.

But my heart is heavy for Stellan and his family. He is not doing well. She is updating on Twitter on her left sidebar. Please pray for them.

I'm trying a new support group tonight called Compassionate Friends. I'm anxious about it because I'm not sure how well I'll be received. I've been driving 50 miles one way to a wonderful support group for perinatal and infant loss, but for some reason, I feel compelled to try this one. One reason is that it's MUCH closer! But also, in talking to others who have lost living children, I've found that my thoughts and feelings about Grady aren't that different from theirs. Yes, they had more time to spend with their children. Yes, they have tangible memories that they can draw on with their child(ren). And I don't. I can only imagine what life would have been like if Grady had lived. But my child died just like theirs. I hope it goes well...

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Not much happened one year ago on this day. Today was a Sunday, and as I recall, I spent it obeying orders and resting with my family. I know the next few days will be hard to write about...

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Did you happen to see the live Steven Curtis Chapman broadcast on facebook last week? Thankfully you didn't have to have a facebook account to watch it because it was phenomenal. One of the things that struck me was the verbage he used when referring to Maria, his five year old daughter who died last May. He never once referred to her as dying...he always said, "When Maria went to heaven, after Maria went to heaven", etc. This struck me. It makes me want to change the way I refer to Grady. Because while Grady did die here on earth, he is VERY MUCH alive in heaven. What a more positive way to phrase it..."After Grady went to heaven... Before Grady went to heaven... When Grady went to heaven..." I like that much better.

SCC's new CD is called "Beauty Will Rise" and is compiled of songs that were written after Maria went to heaven. I'd like to share one of the songs he has written for her called "Heaven Is The Face".

Enjoy. (Don't forget to pause my music at the bottom of the page before pressing play!)




Love,
Tonya

One Year Ago - November 6, 2008

You must be praying for me... If so, thanks!

Today was hard but definitely better than yesterday. This roller coaster of grief continues. I am honestly dreading next week. Especially Wednesday and Thursday. Everyone tells me that the anticipation is worse than the actual day.

That remains to be seen.

Well, today, one year ago, was my first full day of bed rest.

I was supposed to meet my friend Andrea for breakfast at the Waffle House.

Do you have those where you are?

If not, I'm so sorry. 'Cuz you're missin' out on some really good but no-good-for-you food!

I had been craving a waffle, bacon and some hash browns scattered, smothered and covered (translation: scattered with onions in them and cheese on top!) I called her the day before, when bed rest was ordered, to say sorry, but I wouldn't be meeting her.

Never fear!

She showed up with exactly what I wanted! I sat in the recliner and she on the sofa, talking and laughing about who-knows-what. I specifically remember talking about how we couldn't believe the time for Grady to be born was so close. How different a little boy would be. How well the pregnancy had gone. Thankful to be so far before being put on bed rest. And so on.

Nurses really are the worst patients. I asked her to bring me her blood pressure cuff because I wanted to keep a close eye on it. I don't know how I didn't run the batteries down because I checked it ALL the time. It was fine. Every time. All the way through until the day he was born.

My blood work came back normal. No pre-eclampsia. Yippee!

So, this day I ate. I laughed. I rested. Caught up on some Oprah and Grey's that I had DVR'd. Rotated between the recliner and the sofa. Wrote some thank you notes. Snuggled in the recliner with Emma Grace once she was home from school - we colored, read, watched Noggin.

If you haven't read this post about "Premonition or Paranoia?" you should. It comes back to me now as I'm writing this.

Honestly, with every thank you note that I wrote to my friends, especially Gib's co-workers, I thought, "Is he really gonna be here to enjoy that entertainment center" or "Will he really get to wear those cute clothes?", "Will I really get to use these things?" Every time I wrote something, there was a pang in my chest. A turn of my stomach. I literally hesitated to write the words I wrote.

Weird.

That's about all that happened on this day one year ago. At least that I can remember!

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I'm trying find something fun to do outdoors with the girls tomorrow. Gib has to study for the GRE, and the weather has been too beautiful to stay inside. I was going to take them to the Botanical Gardens in Athens (it's free and I've heard it's beautiful). Problem is the Georgia Bulldogs are playing not far from there. Probably not a good idea. I know they want to go to Target, so I guess we'll see where we end up.

Love,
Tonya

One Year Ago - November 5th, 2008

In a way, today is the beginning of the end.

I was put on bed rest one year ago today. I haven't blogged about it before, the bedrest.

Because I feel guilty.

Guilty that I didn't obey orders 100%. Knowing that nothing I did or didn't do caused Grady's death. Or could have prevented it. But still.

I didn't obey...

Today, one year ago, was a Wednesday.

I went in for my last regular prenatal visit at 10:15.

I got my last 17P shot.

It was the last time that I heard his heartbeat.

My cervix looked great. I had gained a few more pounds (not so great!). And my blood pressure was slightly elevated. Not high, but up from what was normal for me.

I mentioned to Dr. Joe that the previous weekend I had experienced lots of swelling. I rested and kept my feet up as much as I could, and the swelling was completely gone by this particular day. Still, him being the cautious doc that he is, he took blood work for a preeclampsia panel and told me I was on strict bed rest until the following week, delivery week.

I had known bed rest was a possibility the whole pregnancy because of Emma Grace coming at 25 weeks. My wheels started turning about all that still needed to be done.

After I left the office I made a quick stop by Target (there is nothing close to us) to get him some newborn-sized clothes. I had nothing for him to wear home from the hospital. No newborn pants. Everything I had was a little bigger. Since he was coming at 37 weeks exactly, I expected him to be a bit on the small side.

No one wants to be stuck with ugly toenails (plus I had no idea when I would have a chance to go after he was born), so I got a pedicure on my way home also. I picked Emma Grace up from lunch bunch, and we came home. My next door neighbors brought over their recliner from their family room and set it up in mine. They insisted that they never really sat in it anyway, and I needed it more than them. How sweet and thoughtful was that!?!

Gib stepped up to the plate and took over as much as he could. He went into work late one morning to get the kids to school, which is huge for him! My friends came out of the wood works to help transport my girls to where they needed to be. Gib's co-worker's started sending food.

Things have been harder for me since the month of November started. But today has been the worst yet. I can't help but relive the moments and events of the days one year ago. They were happy times. Full of the unknown. But full of hope and promise of the baby boy that our family was to welcome.

I'm still full of hope and promises...just of a different nature this fall.

Speaking of hope, I must share a beautiful gift I received today.

I blogged about my new friend whom I called L. Well, her name is Leah, and she is a precious soul. I feel like I've known her for such a long time.

As I was getting her little boy out of the carpool line this morning, she handed me a bag with a present in it. I was already having a "teary" morning and just her thoughtfulness made the tears surface a little more. I was speechless as she told me it was a present for Grady's birthday.

She chose the paper very carefully and didn't use a generic one because she wanted me to know that Grady wasn't forgotten and didn't want his birthday to be "swept under the rug".





I took the above pictures (yes, Grady's crib is still set up, everything still as it was the day he went to heaven) and this is what I found when I opened it. I haven't taken the card off yet...




She has obviously spent a lot of time on my blog and knows how much I hang onto HOPE. The card attached is a note that her family made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep in honor of "Glory Baby Grady" in hopes that other families may continue to be blessed by the amazing service they offer just like we were. Thank you so much Leah, Chris, Jay and Les!

Please don't misunderstand my gratefulness. My thankful heart does NOT hinge on gifts being given to me. I am not a material person at all. Come look at my house and my lacking wardrobe and you'll see that very quickly. I do love gifts and surprises, but the phrase "It's the thought that counts" is ever so true for me. Just a hug and an "I'm thinking about you" means the world to me. The fact that people take the time and have the courage to speak to me about Grady touches my heart, beyond words.

Another friend of mine thought today was Grady's birthday. She brought a note to me at the end of the preschool day, and I read it when I got home. Through the tears, I read that she remembers Grady, he is not forgotten and she's here for me. We talked this afternoon, and I told her it wasn't his birthday but how much I needed that note. We both decided it was God's way of prompting her to write the note to give to me since I was having such a hard day. Thank you Joyce.

Another friend of mine was supposed to put a recipe in my mailbox today for pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. She made them for me last year and they are delicious! About 4:45 this afternoon, there was a knock on my door. I opened it to her smiling face, a plate of cookies, the recipe and a card. Thanks Tish!

Tears fell again.

It's not even his one year heaven day (or birthday or anniversary or whatever you want to call it)...but already I feel the love of those around me. The support offered to me.

And I'm so thankful.

But, unfortunately, at the same time, I'm feeling myself start to pull away again. Similar to the time right after Grady died. Not wanting to talk. Not wanting to be around people. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on November 15th. I'm so glad that I have responsibilities and obligations to drag me out of bed and force me to put one foot in front of the other.

The pain is so great...

Remembering...the short time I had with him.

Wishing...it had a different ending...that he was here and we were experiencing life with him now.

Waiting...for the day that we do get to experience life with him in heaven.

Praying...for comfort and strength to get through this week and beyond. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

Allowing...myself to feel what I need to feel. To be what I need to be. To go where I need to go...physically, mentally and emotionally.

Trusting... in a plan bigger and greater than mine. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8 (NIV)

Hoping...for the future. "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Leaning...on a God who is bigger than all this pain and hurt. Longing for heaven where all of our tears will be wiped away...no more sorrow, hurt or pain. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4 (NIV).

This verse jumped out at me today as I was reading through a book Gib gave me for my birthday...

"There is a time for everything. A season for every activity under heaven. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance." Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 (NIV)

I'm telling you tonight that I'm definitely in a time of grieving for my baby boy. The one year anniversary of the deaths of my mom and dad were hard. But this is beyond words. I would ask that if you choose to read my blog (which I hope you do), you would meet me where I am. Please know that I'm not stuck. I have made great progress the last year, working through this tremendous loss and the grief that accompanies it. Part of the reason I'm where I am, I believe, is because I let myself feel it and work through it. If I suppress it, it does me no good as it will come back later with a vengeance.

Please don't tell me to be happy. I know you want the best for me, but the best for me right now is to accept me for who I am, the good, bad and ugly. I've thought a lot about happiness lately. I'm not ready to post my thoughts about it, but maybe I will after I get through this "season". It's okay for me to feel sad because while I'm feeling sad, there is still joy in my every day life.

Genuine happiness.

I promise!

Since I didn't have my blog a year ago, I've been feeling like I want to journal what I can remember about this time last year. So, as time allows and as the memories come to me, I'll be sharing my journey day by day, as it happened, one year ago.

I hope you'll journey along with me.

Love,
Tonya