Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A Time to Remember

Anyone who has the crazy, messed up, misconstrued idea that the baby who is born after a baby dies is a "replacement baby" really is just that. CRAZY!

I had a bereavement committee meeting yesterday at the hospital. I realized shortly after getting there that I would have to walk right past the closet room I was in with Grady to get there. (The room was extremely small!)


My plan was to keep my head high and walk right by. It didn't quite play out that way...

I was in a corner room. When I turned the corner I couldn't help but look to my left.

And there it was.

Door open. Lights dim. Bed ready and waiting for a patient.

I was drawn in by a power that is not my own. I walked in the door and just stood there. Taking it all in. Like I had just been there. Tears filling my eyes. Heart as heavy as if there were a ton of bricks resting on it.

The bed where, on my chest, I cuddled my baby who was gone all too soon.

The wall space where his bassinet stayed. The place he was when not in my arms.

But the place my eyes were drawn to the most was the far side of the bed. The place where Gib and I last kissed Grady's sweet cheek. The place where I swaddled him and placed him in the basket the funeral home brought for him. The place where Gib and I collapsed into each others arms after he was gone.

The irony of this moment is that I was standing there with Matthew snuggled and sleeping on my chest in my baby wrap.

I don't think I can accurately put into words what I felt and am still feeling today. One baby here. One baby gone. One heart beating. One heart not. Both equally special. Both forever living in my heart. But clearly two different, separate, special, precious people.

Standing there, again knowing that if Grady had lived, Matthew wouldn't be here. No words...

Even though I had to physically say goodbye to Grady, I will never really say goodbye. I know that we will be together again in heaven one day and for that, I am so very grateful. Thank you, Jesus! But Grady is alive in my heart and mind every single day that I live on this earth. Even now that Matthew is here. One baby doesn't replace the other.

Aimee, my friend and leader of the support group that I attended for so long, sent me this song. If you have a moment and want to, listen to it. Make sure to scroll down and mute my music first! I have a feeling all of you baby loss mommy's will be able to relate. It's perfect.

And as painful as it is to let myself go into these deep places of emotion and grief again, it's often where I feel the closest to Grady.

I couldn't linger long in that room because I had to get to my meeting. I had to quickly compose myself, and outwardly, I did a pretty good job.

As Matthew and I were leaving, he was awake. We paused at the door, and I told him that was where his big brother once was. But not to worry. Because one day he would get to meet him, too.



  1. Oh my word... I was going to post about this same thing soon... I had a family member tell me that another family member told them that they hoped I wasn't having this baby to replace Samuel... Oh in my heart I was so mad, still am... I just don't get it, that makes NO NO NO sense to me. Everything you wrote about that rang true in my heart today... totally.

    Wow, Tonya, to be in that room again... I just can't imagine. When Joel died I stood in the same exact room again because Faith delivered in the exact same room... but I had no clue... never made the connnection. I left the room so soon after Samuel died... but you stayed for a few days... I am sure that was totally different. It just makes my heart hurt... the weight of that pain and grief, still so hard to bear. But yet you feel close to Grady there. I so get that.

    Tonya, you are so amazingly strong. Know I am praying for you today... right now... that the Lord would continue to sustain you each day as you balance your joy with your continued pain.

    Love you friend!

  2. Wow...I just wrote about saying "good-bye" to Molly and Emily today...and you are so was a physical good-bye, but my heart and body will never say good-bye. What a beautiful song. Thank you for being so honest in sharing your walk with us.

  3. A beautiful post of the bittersweet memories you carry in your heart and soul. I think you expressed it very well.

    God Bless you Tonya!

    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  4. I hate that phrase replacement baby, I don't know why people think it's even possible. Grrr at the ignorance. I'm glad you were able to spend time in the room and share the moment with Matthew. Hugs to you!