Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Touched By A Text

I have a lot of friends who are pregnant or who have recently had babies. I have friends in all different age groups, but I honestly never thought I would be 38 and have this many friends still having babies, let alone have a six month old myself!!! I had my first when I was 26. My plan was to have four children, each three years apart, which would have meant I would be finished having babies at 35. Well, we all know the best way to make God laugh is to make a plan of your own.

That's not the point of this post...

One of my good friends had a baby just a little over a week ago. I saw her and her beautiful baby girl at church this morning. I am so happy for this sweet friend. This is not her first child or marriage, but she has finally found true love and happiness in a wonderful Godly man, and she deserves every bit of it!

I received a text three texts back-to-back from her today. The following is what I read...

"I want to tell you that I held [baby girl's name] today and just cried for you. I cannot imagine how empty your arms felt. I don't mean to bring this up to cause you to cry but to honestly be able to tell you how sorry I am that God had that in His plan for your life. I know that His will and plans are always perfect but that doesn't mean that we always like the road He takes us on. You are an amazing and strong woman to endure what you have and I admire you and your never ending faith in Him."

This meant
so, so much to me. Two years after Grady went to heaven, she is still thinking about me and my empty arms and what it must have been like.

I wish I could say that I don't remember, but I remember all too well...

I remember the gut-wrenching realization that he wasn't moving anymore and wasn't going to move again.

I remember the words of Dr. Joe,
"I don't see a heartbeat either," confirming what I saw on the ultrasound screen.

I remember not knowing how in the world I was going to give birth to a dead baby.

I remember not knowing how in the world we were going to tell the girls their baby brother had died,
inside of me. That just wasn't supposed to happen.

I remember how deafening the silence was in the c-section room when he was born and there were no cries...only sniffles of those in the room.

I remember seeing Grady for the first time, knowing he was dead but still warm from my body, looking like he was sleeping like a newborn might be.

I remember asking him what happened and why he had to go.

I remember spending two days with him, holding him on my chest and in my arms.

I remember kissing him goodbye, placing him in the basket and handing him over to the funeral director.

I remember crying myself to sleep in the rocker in the nursery, wishing to have him back on my chest to feel the weight of him safe at home and not just in a cold hospital room.

I remember the suffocating feeling of not being able to breathe deeply because my heart was so broken.

I remember waking up each morning and thinking,
"No. Not another day to live through this hell."

I remember how it took me three hours just to get dressed because I was so depressed.

I remember how badly it irritated me when people would say
"Well, you look good." What was I supposed to say in return? Thanks. My baby died. I'm not eating because I feel like I'm going to throw up all the time and I've lost 30 pounds in two weeks.

Oh, I remember every second of it. And it lives within me every day.

I'm so very glad that my friend didn't keep her thoughts and feelings to herself. It meant so much to me that she thought of me and Grady and let me know. Too often, people want to say things but are afraid of making that person cry or making them sad. Yes, I got very teary eyed when I read her text. But I was touched beyond belief. The tears are always there. They just surface more easily depending on the situation or circumstance.

I love the poem on my left side bar called
Remembering by Elizabeth Dent. If you've never read it, take a minute to before you leave my blog.

And I don't know if this particular friend reads my blog regularly or at all, but if you do...

Thank you! I love you and am so happy for you!



  1. It's an amazing feeling to have friends who continue to think of us/our babies who aren't here. So many people think they shouldn't say anything- but it's nice when people remember them. So glad your friend text you that!

  2. That is such a blessing to have a friend like that remembering Grady and sharing with you...
    I completely understand, those vivid memories of our babies will never fade from our minds...

  3. tonya,
    How incredibly sweet of your friend. I love that she went with her feeling to say what was really on her heart. So many I think just push it away and don't act on it. It is so special that she expressed all that to you and acknowledged your heartbreak even still 2 years later. How kind and empathetic.

    Tonya, thanks for keeping up with me like you have been. It means so much to me, to know that I have people who have walked this path before me and understand my feelings and can pray with that in mind.


  4. Tonya, this post made me cry. You are very lucky to have such a great friend. It is true friends like that in which truly help us get through this day by day.

  5. What a wonderful friend! It doesn't have to be much, just an acknowledgment can mean the world I think. We received a package for Hannah Kate and tucked inside was also an ornament for Ethan. I balled it meant so much. Thank you, Lord, for the gentle reminders that our babies matter to others!