Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

It's Late and I'm Overcome...

...with emotion.

This will be short as it is late, and I need to go to bed. But, my heart is heavy right now, and I just need to share. Maybe it will feel a little lighter if I do.

Matthew is having a hard time settling tonight. I think his tummy hurts. I just went to his room and he needed more than just his paci. He needed some cuddling. Apparently, I did, too.

As I was rocking him, I was overcome with emotion. The wonderful weight of him on my chest. The fullness of his sweet self in my arms. The tears welled up in my eyes.

This was not always the case. I sat many nights in his room in that same rocking chair, rocking and longing for my Baby Grady. Missing his weight and breath on me. Arms empty and aching for him.

Tonight, I am so thankful for the gift of Matthew's life. For the joy and healing he has brought to my heart. For a God who created him, fearfully and wonderfully, to be part of our earthly family.

But, even among the happiness and love I feel for him, I can't help but remember the times when things were different. I still miss my first born boy. Even though he was still, he was still born. He was a person. His life mattered, even though he didn't live outside of me. He left a hole in my heart that belongs to him and him alone.

I don't take these moments with Matthew for granted. Not for one second.

But, my heart is heavy, for I know there are too many moms rocking in rocking chairs tonight with empty, aching arms. Tears streaming down their face.

And it simply breaks my heart.

I was that mom. And the pain of such loss still stings. And it never goes away. And I never forget. And I never want to...



  1. Your post spoke words for me tonight. Thank you. Tonight is the due date birthday of my sweet Jeremiah. Even though it was 6 years ago that he was due and 6 1/2 years ago (December) that he was still born, I still mourn his loss on his special days and sometimes am still overcome with emotion out of nowhere on other days. I am sorry you are hurting tonight. Trust me in that you will never forget him.

  2. Oh, me too. Most nights, I have a hard time putting Hannah Mae down. I just love her sleepy cuddles. My arms remember the weight of Owen's body the one day I got to spend with him and it breaks my heart too that there are moms experiencing loss each day.

    love you,

  3. I am so with you friend. Many times I feel totally unworthy of this precious gift of Levi knowing full well some people never get a "rainbow baby" if you know what I mean. I understand it all friend! Praying for you... missing the boys with you!