That's not the forecast here. No, indeed the rain is already here. And storms are on the way.
I am "cloudy with a chance of rain".
Or maybe it's just my heart.
But truly I feel like it's my entire being. I feel like I have clouds hanging over, around and in me.
Some are light and airy, like the beautiful white cotton balls you sometimes see in a crystal blue sky on a mostly sunny day. Those clouds are there, reminding me of the beautiful blessings in my life. For the good things. Because I am fully aware that there are many people in this world, even in my own family and circle of friends, who aren't as fortunate as I. And I know it. I'm not referring to material possessions. I'm talking about everything, including a relationship with the Lord. I'm overcome with gratefulness.
There are clouds floating around inside of me that are gray, similar to when there is a just a chance of rain. These clouds, unfortunately, remind me of the things that could happen. They are filled with fear. And worry. I'm trying to remind myself of a quote I heard in church a couple of weeks ago...
"Worry is a down payment on something in the future that may or may not ever happen."
I try to keep that in perspective when fear and worry and anxiety creep in. But it's hard. And it's hard work to focus on what is good and what is now. Because the good so often gets clouded over with the bad or the "what if's" of life.
Lately, dark, stormy clouds have slowly been rolling in.
I am not consumed by them.
But I feel myself being unable to keep them out.
As the weather outside continues to change and become more beautiful in this autumn season, the weather inside of me is becoming more unstable.
Dark clouds filled with lots of rain, accompanied by crashing thunder and vivid lightning are rolling in.
The rain could fall at any moment. I feel it building and resting at the base of my throat. I feel as if the room inside my chest is decreasing, and at times the heaviness of it makes it hard to get a deep breath.
As Grady's second birthday approaches, I remember.
The good, the very bad and the extreme ugliness of what followed. The ignorance of what I was feeling this time two years ago. Completely unaware of how our world was about to crash around us.
I told Gib last night that I feel like this year might harder and worse than last year. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel a little crazy. Okay. A lot crazy. Like something is terribly wrong with me.
I have a beautiful son and two beautiful daughters here on earth that I am extremely thankful for. I have a husband who loves me, and to this day, I can't figure out why he continues to put up with me.
But none of that takes away my love and deep longing for Baby Grady. I am convinced when I am 80 years old (if I live that long!), I will still feel this way. It never goes away. I might not need to talk about it as much as the years pass, but I will always remember and wonder and love him from this side of heaven.
(Thank you Aimee for sending this up to Grady at the Walk to Remember since we couldn't be there!)
So...the clouds have arrived and are going to hang around for a while. As the month of November quickly approaches, I'm going to try to focus on the sunshine and white, puffy clouds more than the gray and dark clouds.
Try is the key word.
It's much easier said than done.
I expect the rain to come though, sooner or later...