If I've heard those words once, I feel like I've heard them 1,000 times. And honestly, they drive me crazy. Grate my nerves. Get under my skin.
And I've grown to hate them.
I'm sure that everyone in my real life feels like they walk on egg shells around me, and I hate that, too. People try to say the right thing, and I appreciate their effort. I really do. I usually smile and say, "I'm trying".
"You just have to think positive!"
Those words encompass so much for me.
I've debated for a few days as to whether to delve into this post or not, but I'm going for it. These are simply my opinions...you may agree or not and that's okay. Just as the same is true about everything else on this here blog of mine.
The majority of the time, when I project the slightest bit of doubt as to the outcome of this pregnancy, I get one of two responses:
1. "Don't say that."
2. "You have to think positive."
So begins my internal rebuttal...
Why not say that?
It has been my reality in the past. I'm saying what's on my mind. Just because I say it does not mean it will happen. If I don't say it, that also does not mean that it won't happen. Just because I express my thoughts doesn't mean they will come to fruition. And if I keep it inside, those thoughts and feelings don't just disappear. They're always there. The excitement mixed with fear and anxiety of what could be...
But we are waiting for the outcome, and that's all we can do. Living one day at a time. We cling to the hope that everything is going to be fine, and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms to bring home in August. We pray fervently for God's will but let our hearts' desires be known to Him. But only He knows. And we rest in that for now. It's hard, but it's all we've got.
On to the second point.
What does thinking positively have to do with the outcome of this pregnancy?
I believe with 100% of my being that one should not live life seeing the glass as always half empty. If we live in such a negative state all the time, it can certainly affect our health and our relationships with those around us. When this happens, that person cannot experience happiness, often has no hope, sees everything as useless...so why even try to engage in life?
I do engage and feel happiness and have hope.
But letting negative thoughts creep into my mind, or allowing them to dwell there for a while, is NOT going to determine if this baby lives or dies. I don't believe that one bit.
Dumplin's days are already numbered, just as yours and mine are. Only God knows.
Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)says,
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
I clung to this verse right after Emma Grace was born so prematurely. This verse brought me comfort after Grady went to heaven. And this verse still rings true with me today.
"ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE".
Positive thoughts. Negative thoughts. Crazy, off-the-wall thoughts. They really don't matter. They don't determine this baby's life or death.
And there's one more reason that I so profoundly dislike this statement. To me, it implies that I didn't think positively with Grady.
Would positive thoughts have kept him alive?
Because, believe me, if they could, he would be here today, alive and well. I prayed for him every single day. I daydreamed and thought of bringing him home. Nursing him, rocking him, loving him, bathing him, changing his diapers, spending long nights awake with just me and him, watching him sleep, and experiencing, in general, what a little boy would be like. I thought of all the new things we would get to do with a boy. I thought of how I wouldn't hold back all the many kisses that I love to give my children just because he was a boy and I didn't want to make him too feminine.
I thought plenty of positive thoughts during my pregnancy with Grady. They didn't change the outcome. His days were already numbered.
And I don't believe for one second that the feelings/fears that I openly express or the endless positive thoughts that I could think will change God's will for this baby's life, either.