Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Just Think Positive

If I've heard those words once, I feel like I've heard them 1,000 times. And honestly, they drive me crazy. Grate my nerves. Get under my skin.

And I've grown to hate them.

I'm sure that everyone in my real life feels like they walk on egg shells around me, and I hate that, too. People try to say the right thing, and I appreciate their effort. I really do. I usually smile and say, "I'm trying".

"You just have to think positive!"

Those words encompass so much for me.

I've debated for a few days as to whether to delve into this post or not, but I'm going for it. These are simply my may agree or not and that's okay. Just as the same is true about everything else on this here blog of mine.

The majority of the time, when I project the slightest bit of doubt as to the outcome of this pregnancy, I get one of two responses:

1. "Don't say that."

2. "You have to think positive."

So begins my internal rebuttal...

Why not say that?

It has been my reality in the past. I'm saying what's on my mind. Just because I say it does not mean it will happen. If I don't say it, that also does not mean that it won't happen. Just because I express my thoughts doesn't mean they will come to fruition. And if I keep it inside, those thoughts and feelings don't just disappear. They're always there. The excitement mixed with fear and anxiety of what could be...

But we are waiting for the outcome, and that's all we can do. Living one day at a time. We cling to the hope that everything is going to be fine, and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms to bring home in August. We pray fervently for God's will but let our hearts' desires be known to Him. But only He knows. And we rest in that for now. It's hard, but it's all we've got.

On to the second point.

What does thinking positively have to do with the outcome of this pregnancy?

I believe with 100% of my being that one should not live life seeing the glass as always half empty. If we live in such a negative state all the time, it can certainly affect our health and our relationships with those around us. When this happens, that person cannot experience happiness, often has no hope, sees everything as why even try to engage in life?

I do engage and feel happiness and have hope.

But letting negative thoughts creep into my mind, or allowing them to dwell there for a while, is NOT going to determine if this baby lives or dies. I don't believe that one bit.

Dumplin's days are already numbered, just as yours and mine are. Only God knows.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)says,

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

I clung to this verse right after Emma Grace was born so prematurely. This verse brought me comfort after Grady went to heaven. And this verse still rings true with me today.


Positive thoughts. Negative thoughts. Crazy, off-the-wall thoughts. They really don't matter. They don't determine this baby's life or death.

And there's one more reason that I so profoundly dislike this statement. To me, it implies that I didn't think positively with Grady.

Would positive thoughts have kept him alive?


Because, believe me, if they could, he would be here today, alive and well. I prayed for him every single day. I daydreamed and thought of bringing him home. Nursing him, rocking him, loving him, bathing him, changing his diapers, spending long nights awake with just me and him, watching him sleep, and experiencing, in general, what a little boy would be like. I thought of all the new things we would get to do with a boy. I thought of how I wouldn't hold back all the many kisses that I love to give my children just because he was a boy and I didn't want to make him too feminine.

I thought plenty of positive thoughts during my pregnancy with Grady. They didn't change the outcome. His days were already numbered.

And I don't believe for one second that the feelings/fears that I openly express or the endless positive thoughts that I could think will change God's will for this baby's life, either.



  1. Thank you for posting this, I know exactly what you mean. So far this pregnancy has been filled with nothing but issues that make me fear the outcome and all I have heard is, your being to negative. I asked my mom not to knit the babies blanket until after 25 weeks to which she said you're just being negative. Now with the latest problem I feel like I can't help but think the worst and I don't want to share it with people IRL because they just don't understand. I certainly don't want the bad outcome nor do I think if I think positively that it would change anything. All I can do is pray. Sorry to ramble you just said a lot of what I've been feeling.

  2. I completely agree. My husband and I have had this conversation lately, particularly if I say "if we get to raise a baby...". When you've seen both sides of life I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest. I think you cope however you need to. Excellent post!!

  3. Tonya,
    This was so well-written (not that your other posts aren't, but you know!). By writing this, it's obvious that you accept the complete Sovereignty (sp? that doesn't look right) of God. As much as we would've done ANYTHING to bring our sweet babies into the world safely, God is sovereign in all things and nothing we do can change that. But we can embrace the feeling of safety that God is in control! You don't have to think positive thoughts during this pregnancy, but you do need to continue to cling to God and His promises!

  4. People just don't understand. It will be fear for those of us who have had a loss. And the fear never goes away. I was told by a friend, that it was OK to be afraid for our children. As time goes by the fears for them change. Thank you for sharing this post.

  5. Ugh...I write with tears in my eyes. Partially because I cant imagine what you feel, but also because I'm scared to get pregnant again for those same feelings. I wish that nobody had to go through this, but the fact of the matter is that God knows what we need...that doesnt mean He will give us what we want. Its been 3 months since we lost our little girl, and reading about your honesty truly helps me. Thank you. Our babies are in Heaven and will never know the hurt or pain of this world. With each day it passes, its one day closer to spending eternity in Heaven with them! I know our babies are in Heaven rejoicing!
    "God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him" not some....ALL!!!
    I'm praying for you and your family~

  6. I remember those comments all too well... unfortunately they come from a misunderstanding of the Gospel, maybe well- intentioned but hurtful none the less.

    A really good friend of mine helped me understand a little bit of this 'positive' thinking stuff when I was pregnant with Hannah Mae. No matter what we think or feel or do or don't do, we won't change the plan God has for us or our children, and if we can- then why not hope today and be joyful of the thing we want most...
    besides Jesus might come back tomorrow and wouldn't that be the best thing ever?!

    you know me and you know that I did NOT do this well. I'm not coming from a place of being all high and mighty or even telling you what to do.

    I just thought I'd share because it really helped me in times when I was struggling with what God had in store for Hannah. I wanted to be hopeful, but fear and worry crept in all the time and I got so confused about my thoughts and if they had any impact or if they were foreshadowing Hannah's life and God's plan for her.

    My heart is with you, Tonya. I love you friend.

  7. Tonya,

    I experienced the same things in my subsequent pregnancy. You are so right, thinking positive will not change the outcome and what people do not understand is that we KNOW what the "negative" outcome is. We have lived through having a child that did not live outside of our wombs. There is no way anyone can block those feelings or thoughts out and erase the experiences we have been through. They are NOT "negative" they are our REALITY and the life that we live everyday.

    I know that you are positive and have hope that you will hold your sweet boy in a few months but that doesn't mean that you won't have bad days when you lose that hope even for a little bit. It's so easy to take our eyes off of Jesus when the fear consumes and overwhelms us.

    I hope to see you soon!! Ebe said something about you two getting together next week. I would love to join you and bring Elijah for you to meet.

    Praying for you and your little dumplin