Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Sunday, November 14, 2010





Harder than Friday by far.

This was the day that I was scheduled for my c-section with Grady. The day that, had he lived, he would have turned two.

This was also the day, two years ago, that I held him for the last time.

Kissed his sweet, soft, chubby cheek for the last time.

And told him goodbye.

For now.

I think it was harder this year because, in many ways, I don't feel validated in my grief anymore. I don't feel like I can really express my sadness over Grady. Even to my husband.

And for some crazy reason, every time I express grief or sadness, I immediately feel like I need to defend myself and proclaim my gratefulness for the blessing of my living children.


Joy and sorrow can co-exist. Grief and thankfulness can, too.

The End.


  1. Saying a prayer for you Tonya.
    Wishing I could reach through and give you a hug.

    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  2. Tonya, I can so relate. We are getting ready to head up north to see family and part of me dreads that fact that I know many won't mention Samuel at all or accept that I am still grieving if I chose to share that with them.

    I am so sorry that today was such a hard day... It just really stinks doesn't it? I pray that the Lord comforts your grieving heart... Tonya, I don't think that grief will ever fully leave until we are in the Lord's presence... I think we will always be missing the boys on some level even when we are 80... who knows maybe moreso then knowing we will get to see them just right around the corner.

    Praying so often for you... love you friend... I still plan on calling you... I was sick all weekend... ugh! missing Grady with you.

  3. So many moms feel the same way you do, but they don't speak out about their grief. By sharing, you are illustrating the importance of being truthful and open about how you feel. You are illustrating the realities of grief. I know that I speak on behalf of so many when I thank you for having the courage to speak the truth, the whole truth.

  4. We put so much pressure on ourselves sometimes to appear like life is getting better. We hide what we are really feeling. But, we all know that the day of being completely better is gone. We will always miss our children and there will always be someone who won't understand. But we understand you.

  5. So hard to co-exist! Praying for you!

  6. I'm sorry. Grieving is so hard, and I think in some ways it gets harder after the first year for the reasons you described. Hubby and I have also had the conversations where I realize he just handles and views things differently. Know that you have friends here.

  7. No need to defend yourself! Just because you feel immense joy and love for your living children doesn't mean you will ever stop grieving the loss of Grady.