Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Wondering Thoughts

This past weekend was absolutely beautiful! I'm so thankful for the warm weather and beautiful sunshine. It hasn't felt like November, but it's supposed to end tomorrow.

Saturday was such a mix of emotion for me. But the beautiful weather definitely helped my spirits.

Saturday morning I awoke with a heavy heart. It was my last day with Grady in the hospital, and the day I said "goodbye for now". As the day wore on, I got more sad.

I left the hospital last year around 5:45-6pm. I went outside around 5pm to check on the girls, and it was a beautiful evening. I grabbed my Grady journal and a chair and perched myself in front of my house on my walkway. As the sun set and the tears fell, I wrote to my boy. About lots of things. One being how I wished we could have had his first birthday party that day...

You see, my c-section was originally scheduled for that day, November 14th. Had Grady lived here on earth, it would have been an absolutely perfect day for a first birthday party.

Emma Grace got up Saturday morning and came to stand with me at the back windows. As we were talking, I told her what a great day it would have been for Grady's first birthday party. I told her I was thinking he might have had a Thomas the Train party. Her little dimples shone as she smiled and said, "Yeah, 'cuz his middle name was Thomas!" Gib and I had to chuckle, and I couldn't' help but give her a big squeeze.

I've never planned a boy birthday party. It has always been princesses, fairies, Build-a-Bear or Dora. Jessica did have a Littlest Pet Shop party once, but other than that, it's always been "girlie-girl" parties here, including one High School Musical bash.

So, I thought about a boy party... Blue and red balloons on the mailbox instead of pink. A cake the shape of a train. Blue or red cups, plates, napkins, etc. Lots of presents filled with boy stuff...trains, cars, bulldozers, blocks, etc.

But all I could do was wonder...

And you know what?

I'm thankful for at least that.

Because if I had not grown Grady in my womb, never given birth to him or never entertained the thought of what a boy might enjoy, I would have missed out on the smiles that those thoughts have brought to my face. While missing out on those moments and milestones are sad, I've grown to love my "wondering thoughts" about my sweet boy.

When people have living children who die, they have memories to draw upon and "remember". But when a baby dies in utero, there are only memories of kicks, hiccups, sleep-wake cycles, jabs in ribs, etc. I have dreams that I'll never know would have been fulfilled or not. So these "wondering thoughts" are my memories that I hoped to make.

I expect that they will continue every year as his birthday and holidays roll around. However, I'm sure my "wondering thoughts" will change as he would have gotten older.

After church on Sunday, we got Subway and went to the Athens Botanical Gardens. It was beautiful. There weren't too many flowers in bloom, but the trees were gorgeous. I know my pictures won't do them justice, but enjoy!



  1. Wow, that red tree was especially beautiful. I am glad that you had such beautiful weather this weekend. The sunshine helps me feel not quite so down sometimes... and then there are the days where I actually love the rain... weird I know:) Thank you for sharing about youR "wonderings" I can relate to that, all the wondering about what our boys would be doing... that was good for me to hear that makes you smile... I wonder if it at all different since I have 3 other boys living... sometimes I just look at watch them and SEE first hand all I will be missing right before my eyes... too hard somedays. But hearing it makes you smile... makes me want to work on that. Tears are falling as I think of our boys. Tonya, you survived it, all those anniversaries of the first year. Praise God! One day at a time my friend. You are making it and I am proud of you... all that you managed to accomplish in this last year amidst your grief... you worked, mothered your precious daughters, supported and loved your dear husband, cooked, cleaned, all of it. You did it. Way to go! I know it may not have always looked pretty, but you did it.

    Thinking of you today Tonya... and praying for you as usual!:)

  2. Whew...I'm so glad you made it there alright! I forgot to call you back. I'm so sorry!
    Looks like a great time was had by all.