It's 10pm, and I sit here alone. Gib, Matthew and Emma Grace are asleep. Jessica has a friend over, and they are upstairs watching a movie. I'm sitting in front of this computer wishing for something new to write about Grady, but there is nothing. It is so much fun to reflect on Matthew and his growth, to see the girls growing and changing and experiencing life in so many ways.
But, there's nothing new to write about Grady.
And I so wish there was.
How big he would be. What he loved to eat. His favorite toys/games, etc.
But there's nothing.
Nothing but those "wondering thoughts" I wrote about a long time ago, only a couple of years older.
I sit here and can't help but think back to this day/night three years ago.
Would I have done anything differently?
I don't know.
Knowing what I know now, maybe.
But I can't change the past. As much as I wish I could, I can't.
Or do I?
Do I really wish I could change the past?
I don't know.
It's still very hard for me because I absolutely cannot imagine my life without Matthew. And I know for a fact that if Grady had lived, Matthew would not be here. Some are quick to say, "You don't know that!"
Yes, I do.
Because Gib was going to get "neutered" after Grady and our family was going to be complete.
Matthew would not be here.
But, oh how I long for both of those boys to be here with me! It's so hard to put it into words. So hard, in fact, that I can't. I really can't describe it. Just like I really can't describe how awful and tragic it is to have your child die inside of you. Unfathomable. Unless, of course, it happens to you. Then it becomes your reality.
And you just have to learn how to deal with it. How to incorporate it into your life. Like it or not, it's a part of you forever. And you make the best of it. And you pull at straws for your baby's life to have meaning here on earth.
Grady went to heaven three years ago today, around 4:30 or 5:00pm. I sure hope there was a celebration in heaven today. Three years. That's 1,095 days. Wow!
I tried to find our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer today. I got his address from his website and went on the hunt for him. Imagine my surprise when his "office" was his house! There was a suite number in his address, so I thought it was an office park. Nope. There was a car in the drive, but after ringing the doorbell twice, no one came to the door. I left his cream cheese frosted pumpkin spice muffins on the door with a thank you note and one of Grady's announcements. I hope he sees them. I just wanted to thank him for the priceless gift he gave our family with the pictures of Grady.
I'm not sure how we will celebrate Grady's birthday tomorrow, but I will do my very best to blog about it. Thanks for listening to my rambling. That's what I feel like it is. Rambling. Because I've said the same thing 1,000 times before...