Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Friday, November 11, 2011

3 Years. Nothing New.

It's 10pm, and I sit here alone. Gib, Matthew and Emma Grace are asleep. Jessica has a friend over, and they are upstairs watching a movie. I'm sitting in front of this computer wishing for something new to write about Grady, but there is nothing. It is so much fun to reflect on Matthew and his growth, to see the girls growing and changing and experiencing life in so many ways.

But, there's nothing new to write about Grady.

And I so wish there was.

How big he would be. What he loved to eat. His favorite toys/games, etc.

But there's nothing.

Nothing but those "wondering thoughts" I wrote about a long time ago, only a couple of years older.

I sit here and can't help but think back to this day/night three years ago.

Would I have done anything differently?

I don't know.

Knowing what I know now, maybe.


But I can't change the past. As much as I wish I could, I can't.

Or do I?

Do I really wish I could change the past?

I don't know.

It's still very hard for me because I absolutely cannot imagine my life without Matthew. And I know for a fact that if Grady had lived, Matthew would not be here. Some are quick to say, "You don't know that!"


Yes, I do.

Because Gib was going to get "neutered" after Grady and our family was going to be complete.

Matthew would not be here.

But, oh how I long for both of those boys to be here with me! It's so hard to put it into words. So hard, in fact, that I can't. I really can't describe it. Just like I really can't describe how awful and tragic it is to have your child die inside of you. Unfathomable. Unless, of course, it happens to you. Then it becomes your reality.

And you just have to learn how to deal with it. How to incorporate it into your life. Like it or not, it's a part of you forever. And you make the best of it. And you pull at straws for your baby's life to have meaning here on earth.

Grady went to heaven three years ago today, around 4:30 or 5:00pm. I sure hope there was a celebration in heaven today. Three years. That's 1,095 days. Wow!

I tried to find our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer today. I got his address from his website and went on the hunt for him. Imagine my surprise when his "office" was his house! There was a suite number in his address, so I thought it was an office park. Nope. There was a car in the drive, but after ringing the doorbell twice, no one came to the door. I left his cream cheese frosted pumpkin spice muffins on the door with a thank you note and one of Grady's announcements. I hope he sees them. I just wanted to thank him for the priceless gift he gave our family with the pictures of Grady.

I'm not sure how we will celebrate Grady's birthday tomorrow, but I will do my very best to blog about it. Thanks for listening to my rambling. That's what I feel like it is. Rambling. Because I've said the same thing 1,000 times before...



  1. Hi Tonya...I know you have so many thoughts and emotions running through your heart and mind right now...and I just wanted to write to you and send you a virtual ((Hug)).

    There are days that I miss our Anna so much. I look at her little 6 yr. old face in the picture on my mantle, and I get that ache in my heart...and it has been 7 years now since she has gone to be with Jesus. But most of the time I feel a peace, and I rest in the truth, that she is with His presence! And in the fact that she is with her two brothers who went there before she did. I know she was so happy to meet her brothers. And to see her Jesus!

    I try to think on the beauty of heaven, and how wonderful it is there.

    I miss them all...and in my flesh I wish they were here with us. But I know that God's ways are higher than mine. His plans are better than mine. I am weak but He is strong!

    Someday we will be with our precious ones again Tonya...So we just need to rest in Him and look forward to that. One time Kyle, my son-in-law, said it was like the babies and Anna were like little missionaries sent to us to make a difference in all of our lives...and in the lives of others. I am sure he is right. God has used them to touch us all so deeply, and to change us. During the trials we feel God's presence...and it is so sweet and so strong.

    Just like you said that Matthew wouldn't be here if Grady had lived...our Abigail wouldn't be here if Samuel had lived. So I do understand those bittersweet feelings.

    We can't imagine our lives without Abigail...and we know she is a gift...just as Matthew is a gift. But Samuel and Grady were gifts too. It is all so hard for us to grasp and to understand in our finite minds...but God allowed it... and I think we just need to surrender to the fact that there is a time and a purpose for everything that He allows to happen in our lives.

    We can talk about you said, 1,000 times, and yet we have nothing new to add to it. Except the testimony of... His Faithfulness to us! The only way we can go on living through such sorrowful times is simply by... His Faithfulness to us. By His Mercy, and His Grace....and by His Strength!

    The Bible says that joy comes in the morning...and I have seen Lynnette walk through the darkness, and into the morning light...the light of His love, and His joy.
    So, that is a great testimony of God's power in her life.

    You have a testimony too sweet Tonya. Grady's story touched my heart from the first moment I read it. I have prayed for you so many times. I have seen you grow in the Lord.

    I see your great love for Matthew...and for your family. You are beautiful...a mother who serves her family with a heart of love.
    You have been clay in the Master's hands. He is making you into a thing of beauty..and a vessel for His use!

    You are are blessed...and you are loved!
    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  2. Hi Tonya,

    I wrote you an email a while back and have been keeping up with your blog. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking and praying for your family these past couple days and today especially.

    In Him,
    Becca Daws

  3. Happy Birthday, Grady!!!
    Amy Ellen

  4. I haven't talked to you in a while, but I'm still keeping up with you and Grady. Will will be celebrating Britton's 3rd birthday this December. The closer we get to the holidays, the heavier my heart gets. Your words hit right on the head this morning as I read through blurry tears. If Britton were here, Audrey Anna would not me. I don't know His purpose, but we will one day. Love and prayers for you and yours,