Fall has always been my favorite time of year.
I still love the cool weather. I love the vibrant colors of the leaves turning from green to orange, red and yellow. I love Saturdays spend in front of the fire watching Georgia Bulldog football with a big pot of chili on the stove. I love bundling up in a sweatshirt. I love the sound of the furnace coming on early in the mornings because of the chill outside.
But it's all different this year.
As the cool air blows in, so are the memories of this time last year.
I was so happy and pregnant. Uncomfortable, yes, but thankful to be so close to having my baby boy in my arms. My body welcomed the cooler weather, desperately needing a break from the heat and humidity of a Georgia summer. I shopped for just a few more maternity clothes to get me through the last few weeks of pregnancy. I stayed home on Halloween because I was too big to be walking around and Emma Grace was sick with a fever. I greeted everyone at the door and loved questions by moms about when I was due? Boy or girl? I was working on getting my thank you notes written....getting the nursery ready....trying to find some gowns that snapped down the front that would be easy to nurse in for a long time....
Some people in my life would tell me not to think about it. Just to let it go.
But if you've been through a tragic loss or difficult time in your life, you can't not think about it. In fact, you don't consciously say, "I'm going to think about that today". Those thoughts and feelings just creep in.
They're a part of you. Forever. Like it or not.
I was thinking last night that no matter what I do and how hard I try, the sorrow and sadness seep through my best intentions to hide it.
This may be a stupid analogy, but it's kind of like a wound and a band aid. Even though the wound is covered, the blood often seeps into the band aid. The blood doesn't penetrate the band aid. But it can be seen through the covering.
It may not seem so, based on my blogs lately, but I promise that I do have happy times in my life.
Like the fact that I was overjoyed when Jessica made three runs the other night by sliding into home.
I was thrilled and blessed to talk to my blog, and now real-life, friend Sara for 3 1/2 hours Saturday night.
I delight in my living children every day. Especially moments like this morning when Emma Grace popped right into my arms when I woke her up, and we snuggled a bit before getting dressed.
I was touched beyond belief that my friend and neighbor, Jenny, lit a candle for Grady on October 15th and put it outside for me to see. Just so I would know they remember him.
I was so thankful for those who came to the Walk to Remember in honor of Grady. (I promise a whole post on that with pictures coming soon)
It made my heart skip when my husband emailed me to say that he thanks God for me every day.
The sunset the other night was possibly the most beautiful, breath-taking sight I've ever seen. Only God could create something so spectacular.
I DO have happy times in my life. I DO delight in the small things.
But this time of year is especially hard right now, and I'm doing my best to hang in there. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I could really use your prayers.