Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Friday, July 10, 2009

To Have or Not To Have?

Yes, I'm up early this morning. Much earlier than I would like.

Have I told you that I'm NOT a morning person?

Well, I'm not!

But here I am with my coffee and a quiet house for now. I didn't sleep well last night. It was probably the two diet cokes that I drank at Bunco on top of the fact that it rained so hard on me coming home that I almost had to pull over on the highway. That tensed me up and didn't help the crick I already have in my neck. Why do I always get hurt somehow right before vacation?!

I didn't go to sleep until after 1:30am, woke up at 3:15 to check on the girls (yes, I still do that! I think I always will as long as they're living here!), woke up again at 4:45 and couldn't go back to sleep. Then at 5:15 Jessica was calling me because she had a bad dream. I tossed and turned, but I couldn't go back to sleep.

So, an early start it is, to this very busy day!


Thank you for your comments and suggestions for things to talk to Dr. Joe about AND book recommendations for my trip. I went to the library yesterday and got "Can You Keep a Secret?" by Sophie Kinsella (they only had two and the other one was "Shopaholic & Baby" - I didn't really want to read about a baby the entire book, so I went with the other one), "Summer Blowout" by Claire Cook, and the librarian recommended "Little Bitty Lies" by Mary Kay Andrews. Three good-sized books ought to keep me reading for a while. And I can promise you it won't be in the car! But don't worry, I most certainly will NOT have my nose in a book the whole time, and I most certainly WILL spend lots of fun time with my family, too! Why can't I have the best of both worlds? Yeah, me neither, that's why I'm gonna try!


So, I guess you'd like to know what Dr. Joe told me the other day... Well, I'll tell you. He did not tell me not to have more children. I was glad and then not glad. I know that sounds strange, but here's why...

If he had told me not to have any more children, I would have been very sad, but the door would have been closed. The answer would have been clear. I could make peace with it and move forward (not that easily I'm sure, but you know what I mean!).

But that didn't happen, and now, it is more complicated. I have to decide, at this crossroad in my life, am I going to risk it again and try for a healthy, living baby, or am I going to move forward, find my niche in nursing again (something dealing with perinatal loss, I'm sure) and pursue my career that I worked so hard for? Gib and I have to talk and pray about what God's will is in all of this. What is best for our family? Taking into consideration so many things that I can't even begin to list.

Dr. Joe did tell me that he would like to do a thrombophylia work-up on me to check for clotting disorders before I conceive again, if we choose to do so. He said he really doesn't feel that I have one, considering the way the placenta and cord looked, considering Grady's size for his gestation and my history of no previous problems.

He still believes that Grady was some sort of cord accident. He feels that Grady's death was sudden and quick based on the way my amniotic fluid looked (it wasn't very meconium-stained). I don't know if I've shared this on here before, because there was nothing conclusive and no obvious cord accident - no knot, it wasn't wrapped around his neck. But, based on what he saw when he did my c-section, his thinking is that the cord slipped into the bottom portion of my uterus, which is more narrow than normal, and Grady's head compressed it. We will never know for certain since we didn't do an autopsy. But I'm truly okay with that. Having a cause of death doesn't make me miss him any less and it can't and won't bring him back...

Dr. Joe also said that, IF we try again, starting at 32 weeks, he will do a non-stress test and biophysical profile on baby every week or every 3-4 days. He said depending on how those look, he would like to wait as long as possible to deliver, but would consider taking the baby as early as 34 weeks, and probably not wait longer than 36 weeks. Am I okay with that? Yes. Dr. Joe and I both wonder if Grady would be here if we had scheduled my c-section for 36 weeks instead of 37 weeks...only God knows the answer to that. But there was no reason to think we should have taken Grady any earlier...

So, just like Dr. Joe said as I was leaving, we have a lot of praying, talking and soul-searching to do. I will keep you posted as we make decisions/progress in either direction. Please pray with us that the answer will be clear...


Before I go, I must tell you what a surprise, and special gift, I received yesterday. There is a friend of mine from high school, named Jennifer (she goes by Jenn) that I had lost touch with. We were such good friends and I have such great memories with her! The last time I saw her was 10 years ago when Jessica was a baby. She moved to Florida, lived on a boat (and still might - I'm not sure - how fun is that?!) and we simply lost touch.

I'm not on facebook, (the blog world takes way too much of my time as it is!) but several of our other mutual friends are. One of my other friends shared my blog with Jenn, and I got a sweet, sweet email from her yesterday. My heart leaped when I saw her name in my inbox! I cried because I've missed her so much! Bless her heart, she said she read ALL of my posts, which I know took her a while! It warmed my heart to hear from her, and I'm SO excited that she's coming to Atlanta to visit her parents in August with her baby boy. I'm looking SO forward to seeing her again. Jenn, thanks for being in touch with me. You don't know how I've missed you and how much I'm looking forward to seeing you! Love you!


Well, I think that's enough for now. Gib is up, but the girls are still asleep. I think I'm going to take the rest of my coffee out back to watch for deer and make my to-do list for the day.

This picture was taken in May of a buck in our backyard. We have seen many deer since we have lived here, but never a buck! He has been visiting again lately.

Have a great one!



  1. I love you too Tonya and I absolutely cannot wait to see you!!! We have so much catching up to do...well, i do anyway. :) I'm for certain that you and Gibby will make the right decision on what is best for you and your family. Follow His lead. See you soon.....:):):)

  2. Praying for you guys as you try to discern God's will. I'm glad for you that the possibility of having Grady's baby brother or sister is an option, regardless of what you choose. Have you read what Molly Piper wrote about having another child after the stillbirth of her daughter, Felicity?

  3. Tonya,
    I am so glad you were able to talk with the Dr. Now, I will pray that the Lord leads you and gives you clear direction. I know there are so many thoughts and feelings that go into even thinking about having another.

    Tonya, you are precious to HIM<>< and me.

  4. Tonya, I am praying for the wisdom and discernment you so desire. It is so hard when things are not clear cut, when God doesn't speak in audible tones...I want you know that we are praying, SO much for you and Gib.

    love you friend,