Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, March 22, 2010

It Is Well...

...With My Soul.

I wanted to blog today, but I really didn't know what to blog about. I can't blog about what is really on my mind, good or bad, so coming up with a blog post was a bit more difficult. I was listening to the music on my blog this morning and one song came on that I knew must be deleted. I love the song but for some reason the singer was off-key and it sounded BAD. I didn't really listen to it before adding it because I knew the song and I love it...turns out I don't love that version. So, while I was on playlist.com deleting it, I decided to see if there was a rendition of "It Is Well With My Soul" that I might be able to add. If you've followed my blog for a long time, you know that is one of my most favorite songs. Ever. Well, to my surprise, I found one by Selah and added it today. I've set my playlist to start with it today since that is what I'm blogging about. (and yes, they begin singing in an African language...I'm not sure which one, though)

I know I've mentioned this song, but I'm not sure if I've ever shared why it means so much to me...

Emma Grace was born on Sunday, March 16th. I left the hospital on that Wednesday, the 19th, which was one of the hardest days of my life. The Sunday following her birth (7 years tomorrow), I was going to stay home from church to rest and let Gib take Jessica. I had been in the hospital a total of 15 days. My mom and stepdad had come over the day before to watch her so we could spend the afternoon at the hospital together, which was a rarity for me and Gib considering our schedules. It turned out that Jessica wasn't letting me out of her sight that Sunday morning. She wanted to stay home with me. I didn't want her to miss church, so I got up and went, too. It was hard. Emotional. Painful with my incision, especially since the doctor had told me, verbatim, "I pretty much had to do a rip and tear on you". OUCH! But she was alive at that point and it was okay. Into church I hobbled that morning...into a big church...with a long walk from the parking lot to the sanctuary. I found a seat, and thankfully my friend Amy (from my small group) sat down beside me. Gib was teaching a group of middle schoolers, and I didn't want to be alone.

I have always been ministered to through music. That's one of the reasons the music in church is so important to me. Aaron Keyes is the worship leader at our old church, and to say that he is amazing would be an understatement.

I managed to stand for a short time while singing...at least until they sang "It Is Well With My Soul". I got through the first verse, but as the song continued, I sat down and wept. And wept. And wept.

I'll continue in a minute, but if you don't know the song, it was written by Horatio Spafford in the 1800's after the Great Chicago Fire destroyed most of his investments, his son died and not long after, while on a trip to Europe for "rest", his family's boat (without him aboard) crashed and his four daughters drowned. Only his wife survived. He wrote this song as he was sailing to be with his wife. (If you're interested, you can read more here) Just for a little perspective, here are the lyrics (from this site):

"It Is Well With My Soul"

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

[CHORUS:]

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and
I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
O my soul

And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul


I wanted SO badly for my little girl to live. I wanted SO badly for her to be okay. My words to Gib just the day before, after getting a call from the cardiologist and meeting with the neonatologist, were "I don't want to have to bury this baby".

But in that moment of worship at church, singing that song, I knew that even if I did indeed have to bury her, it was well with my soul. And it was well with her soul. And that because "it was well", I could get through the journey ahead, however long and hard it might be. And that one day we would be together again, because of the sacrifice and gift of God's son, Jesus Christ.

It was well.

Regardless of the outcome.

Turns out I did have to give a child back to Him, but it wasn't Emma Grace. I only got to keep Grady here on earth with me for short time. But it is still well. And it always will be.

And as a little side note, you should hear my little Emma Grace belt out the words to this song. Talk about heart-warming...doesn't even come close!

Love,
Tonya

5 comments:

  1. Thank God for our faith, because without it we are truly lost. Beautiful post, Tonya. Thinking of you!

    ((hugs)) Nicole

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  2. We used "It is Well" at Felicity's memorial and as we sat in front and the packed church sang around us, it felt like a great big hug and I needed to be held so badly that day and in the days before and the many days after. I still crying when we sing, "And Lord haste the day when my FAITH shall be sight," as Felicity's middle name is Faith and those words have additional meaning now.

    I long and hope for that day!

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  3. Oh My Tonya... to truly say that and have it be heartfelt...ahhh, that brings comfort. There are still days where I am still just so mad and sad for all that has happened, yet I can still proclaim that I trust Him, but do I really feel that it is well with my soul? There are days I do, and days that I don't.

    I am so thankful for the days that I can say that It is truly well with my soul... they carry me through the hard questioning days that is for sure... just like He carries us through each day...

    But all the same I long for that day, just like you, when we will run to each other and pick up those precious little boys, our precious gifts from Him. I think they will show us around when we get there. Ahh, glory that will be amazing:)

    Tonya, that was such a beautiful post and just made me cry when I think of your precious Emma Grace, what a miracle she is to you. Amazing! It was such a treat to now know her firsthand, her precious smile and spunkyness and to think of all that God brought her through... He must have big plans for her:) Thank you so much for sharing.

    Love to you today friend!
    Sara

    Won't it be great when we are reunited in Heaven and we can see each other with our boys too... wild... just a thought, a good thought:)

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  4. The Spirit in me says Amen.

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  5. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful song. It is hard sometimes to be OK with this. But, I know the Lord will unite us. It's the missing that is the hardest part.

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