Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Fragile Faith

So, our sermon today brought about some raw emotions for me.

First, I almost did the ugly cry in church. That is until I gathered my wits and excused myself to the restroom. Which is a very long walk. Much longer when you're crying!

It started when we were singing a modernized version of "It Is Well With My Soul".

Have I ever told you how that song touches my heart? If not, I'll have to do that sometime.

I was singing, "It is well,it is well. Through the storm, I am held. It is well, it is well with my soul".

Another verse, "Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul".

The part that always gets me is when we sing, "And Lord haste the day, when thy faith shall be sight. The clouds be rolled back as the scroll. The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend. Even so, it is well with my soul". I was holding my *Grady* charm on my necklace, singing with all my heart and soul to the Lord.

The very next song/verse we sang was "Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King".

Can I tell you how I long for that day?!?!

Because when I see the King, I will also see my Baby Grady. And my mom. And my dad. And my Momaw. And my Popaw. And my Nana.

I can't imagine what that moment will be like. I am teary-eyed as I type this because of the amazing, glorious moment that will be!

The song, "I Can Only Imagine" comes to mind....."Will I stand in your presence, or to my feet will I fall, will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine"...

I don't know what I'll do. But it will be the most glorious moment EVER!, on to *Fragile Faith*.

I've never thought of my faith as *fragile* until today.

But it was made clear to me during our sermon, that I had *fragile faith* or *circumstantial faith*, and it made my heart sad.

Very sad.

You see, when Grady died, I didn't immediately turn to God for help and comfort.

I turned my back on God.

Friends, that is VERY hard for me to type.

Judge me as you want. Relate to me if you can. But it's the plain and simple truth.

And it wasn't just from losing Grady. It was from the other pain and heartache I've experienced. I felt like if God really loved me, He wouldn't allow more pain, and pain to that depth, into my life.

I loved Him. I believed in Him. I trusted Him with Grady's life. I believed that He would bring Grady safely into this world and into our arms, home and lives.

He didn't do that, though. He allowed this pain into my life, and I turned my back on Him. So much so that I questioned if He was real? If He even existed?

And PRAISE THE LORD, He revealed Himself to me. I came full-circle. And I am SO thankful!

Because God is still good. God is still real. God is still all-knowing. God is still all-powerful. God is still on the throne.

Despite my loss. Despite my heartache. God is still there. Loving me. Holding me. Guiding me.

He is still here.

And I love Him. And I believe in Him. And I trust Him.

In the moments when I felt most alone, He was the closest. In the moments when I felt like He had abandoned me, He was there.

And I truly believe that He knows best. Even if it means living my earthly life without my Baby Grady. And the others whom I love so much.

But, just as I had in my first breakthrough, I am so thankful that because of Jesus and his life and death and resurrection, I WILL see my Baby Grady again. Because he was innocent and without sin and his soul went straight from his earthly body in my womb into the arms of Jesus.

And because they believed and trusted in Jesus as their Savior, I WILL see my mom, dad, Momaw, Popaw, and Nana.


And let me make one thing clear...

Just because my faith was *fragile* or *circumstantial* before...I can assure you that it is not now.

Because if God can bring me through the death of one of my children, I fully and whole-heartedly believe that He can bring me through anything!!!



  1. Preach it sister:) I love it, it is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. Tonya, I am amazed and inspired by your perseverance... you have been through so much. I completely relate to the questions of "if God loved me why would He allow this deep hurt into my life" Ugh, it makes me weary just thinking about how deep the pain really is. But I am praising God with you that He drew you back to himself. You encourage me friend... and I need it so bad these days. Thanks Tonya for sharing. Praying for you tonight and tomorrow. Sending love and lots of hugs.

  2. "We do believe Lord, help us in our unbelief"- Praying for your heart to be drawn even closer to the Father today. -Christy

  3. I can relate completely. Praying for you!

  4. Tonya,

    That is so real. It IS a struggle, especially at the beginning, when those feelings of despair are so overwhelming they over power almost all else. When God's light and love come pouring through all of that heartache it is amazing and worthy of praise. I know how difficult this time of year is for you. You and your family are in my prayers.

  5. Never doubt that you are a very strong person! I have lost my faith and turned my back on Jesus for MUCH less. You are amazing and an inspiration to me!

  6. Thank you for sharing your struggles during a time of sorrow. I pray that it will be an encouragement to many more. My wife and I have not had that kind of trial touch us personally, but I know my mother did. I have a sister whom I look forward to meeting in heaven. May the Lord richly bless you and your family.