Well, I wasn't going to blog tonight. It's a bit stormy here. The power flashed earlier which automatically turned off the computer (just as I was about to show Jessica some pictures of a bear near our friend's house in Dahlonega, GA!) The computer was off. Everyone was in bed (but me, of course!). I was reading "The Good Grief Club" for the second time, and the urge to blog hit me.
So, here I am.
It's 9:49pm according to my microwave and computer. About 45 minutes and 9 months ago, I started to be somewhat concerned about Grady. I was helping Jessica study for a test, getting her in bed and Grady hadn't moved since before dinner. I was concerned, but not enough to call the doctor. I thought he was sleeping. Jessica pushed on my tummy and talked to him, but nothing followed.
I can't help but wonder if things would be different if I had called Dr. Joe then? My gut tells me no. I truly believe he was already gone. But, my mind wanders and plays all kinds of evil tricks on me.
I simply can't believe tomorrow will be 9 months since I learned he died. 9 months since he entered this world. 9 months since I touched his soft skin. 9 months since I first held him in my arms.
I can't help but wonder what he would be doing now. 9 months is such a monumental age to me. Some start crawling, pulling up, walking, eating more foods. The list could go on.
To make matters worse, the dates and days of the week align just as they did in November. Today is Tuesday the 11th...he died on Tuesday, November 11th. Tomorrow is Wednesday the 12th, the day it was confirmed he died and was born into this world, 9months ago on Wednesday, November 12th, beautiful and still. See what I mean?
You may think it silly, but us grieving mommies think of and pay attention to these details. It has a huge impact on me. I can't dismiss it. I can't ignore it. It doesn't just go away if I don't think about it. Because the truth is, I think about it all the time. I can't help it.
As much as I blog about how I'm having a hard time with losing Grady (because I am!), I want to make myself clear to everyone who reads my blog...
I absolutely HATE how our story turned out!
I SO wish it had turned out differently...with a happy ending!
...with a beautiful Baby Grady in my arms as part of my daily life to hold, kiss, nurse, play with, comfort, feed, bathe, diaper, and love on as much as I could!
BUT, please don't be mistaken.
I trust in God's sovereign plan for our lives.
I know that as hard as it is for me..."He works all things together for our good".
There IS good in all of this.
It's very hard, but I've seen some of it already.
I'm sure there's more to come.
I miss Grady with every ounce of my being.
But, I would do it all over again. Even if it meant he would die. Because I got to know him. And love him.
And, I WILL see him again in heaven thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross for our salvation and the eternal life we have in Him. (John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".)
I rest in that.
It is the only thing that brings peace to my my broken, grieving heart.
I rest in the HOPE of heaven...and eternity with my son.
Grady never sinned. Because of God's love for us and the sacrifice of his son's life, Grady had a direct entrance into heaven.
It brings me great comfort that Grady went straight from the warmth and love of my womb...straight into the warm, loving arms of Jesus.
As much as I would love to have him in my arms, I know he's in the best place he could be.
And the best part...
I'll be there one day too!