I started this post on February 27th. I got a bit overwhelmed and saved it as a draft. I decided to try to finish it today. There are so many things pertaining to Grady that I want to write about. After all, he was the inspiration for me starting this blog. By the way, he would be four months old today...
A few weeks after Grady died, I was reading SO much on the internet, trying to find some answers as to how and why this happened. I was searching for stories of others who had experienced similar losses. I felt so alone.
I was reading a WONDERFUL book called "The Good Grief Club, by Monica Novak. The first few chapters described me so well. I emailed this author by chapter 7 and told her that she had described me perfectly. Aside from the fact that she's a great writer and a REAL person, she experienced a stillbirth herself. No one can understand another's perspective unless you've walked in similar shoes. But to my great surprise, she emailed me back!!! I was shocked! It wasn't just a short email, it was a heart-felt email that took some time for her to write and meant so much to me!
I bring her book up because she said something in her book that I had never thought about before. It said something like this: When a husband/wife loses his/her spouse, they are called a widow. When a child loses his/her parents, they're called an orphan. When a parent loses a child, there is no name given to their status. Those words jumped off the pages at me. It is so unnatural to lose a child, there isn't a name for those parents.
In an odd way, those words brought me comfort.
Whether you lose a child to stillbirth, cancer, an accident of some sort, whatever it may be, that's just NOT the way it's supposed to be. Parents should NOT outlive their children! I really hope there is never a 'name' assigned to a parent who loses a child because, to me, it would then somehow make it okay.
Fast forward a few more weeks. I had been on several other blogs who had "Bring The Rain" as a blog they follow. My curiosity got the best of me and I clicked. My, I had no idea what I was in for.
I've mentioned Angie Smith in previous posts. She is the wife of one of the singers in the Christian group Selah. They found out at 20 weeks that their 4th daughter had at least two conditions that were incompatible with life. They basically needed to start planning her death. When the doctor asked her what she was thinking, the first thing out of her mouth was something like, "I think my Jesus is the same now as when I walked into this room". WOW!!!
I spent three hours Saturday, January 10th, reading her blog. I was so inspired by her faith, and at the same time, so convicted that mine had wavered.
Did I know that God loved me? Yes.
Did I think He could have prevented Grady's death? Yes.
Was I mad at Him? Yes.
Did I believe that He works all things together for our good? No, not at that moment, at least. Because how in the world would it be for my good that I had to live without my baby???
I kept reading through her blog. I just couldn't stop. I came to a video that had pictures of her beautiful family put to a song that she and her husband wrote for their precious Angel Audrey. The song is called "I Will Carry You" and it changed my whole perspective on losing Grady.
If you'd like to see this beautiful family and hear the song that changed my life, click here. This will take you to her blog where the lyrics are printed for you.(First, scroll to the bottom of this page and mute my music. Once you are on her site, scroll to the bottom of her page and mute her music before pressing play on the video)
God used that song and this wonderful woman of strength and faith to help me have "my revelation". It may not seem like anything big to you, but at the time, it was (and still is) very powerful to me.
God chose me to carry Grady. God thought so highly of me that He chose me to be able to endure the strength and heartache of loving a baby and letting him go before I even got to hold him in my arms. God knew that even though I didn't think I could bear this pain, I could. There is a quote by Alan Redpath found in David Jeremiah's book called "A Bend In The Road" that says, "There is nothing, no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has come past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose." This pain and experience of losing Grady does have a purpose in my life.
God chose ME to help HIM fulfill His purpose for Grady's short life. And I'm here to tell you that Grady did have a purpose. I'm seeing it revealed in my life already. I wish that God had chosen a different way to steer me in this new direction. But I know that I wouldn't have the passion that I do had I not lost him. (I'll post more on that later!).
God knew Grady would never take a breath outside my womb. It was never God's plan for Grady to live on earth as part of my family, other than the time he lived inside of me. God had Grady's days numbered before he ever came to be. Psalm 139:13-16 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be".
Even though Grady isn't here with me physically, I will always carry him in my heart all the days of my life. AND, God will carry me all the days of my life.
God can love Grady like no one else can. Even though I love him with all of my heart...
Even though I felt like God had turned His back on me, I realized that He had been there all along, crying with me. Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".
One of the only things that has brought me comfort in losing Grady is that he never has to experience any of the hurt and pain and sin of this world. He went from being safe in my womb straight into the safe and loving arms of Jesus. Mark 10:14, "...let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these".
Through all of that, I realized that I am privileged, lucky and it is an honor to be Grady's Mommy. Even though this has been hard and painful beyond words, I am so fortunate and blessed to have been part of his short life. Because at least I got to know him, which is better than not knowing him at all. And I can honestly say, knowing the outcome, if I was asked if I would do it all again? My answer would be an absolute YES!