Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I'm Not Alone

I feel like I've been away for so long! I have so many things that I want to post about and share with you, but they are going to be long posts and take so much emotional energy that I just don't feel like I've had lately.

I want to share with you what happened to me yesterday. It was so freeing for me. I've said several times that I LOVE the church that we've been going to since January. All of the speakers have been wonderful, but Andy Stanley is by far my favorite. He just has such a way of teaching the Bible in a way that is fun (YES I said FUN!), easy to understand and apply to your life. We also went to his church about 15 years ago, so it's nice to be back.

I was hoping yesterday's message would speak to me. The title of the sermon grabbed my attention - "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". Boy, is that for me or what? As usual, I was not disappointed.

The sermon was about David, found in 1 Samuel 21. A short synopsis was that David thought everything was going well for him and that God was on his side. He was revelling in God's goodness for him, when all of a sudden his life took a turn in the other direction. His plans weren't going as he hoped and wanted, so he fled, turning his back on God and taking matters into his own hands. Turns out that his way didn't work out so well for him.

This was only part 1 of the sermon. If you'd like to hear or watch this sermon click here. I'm looking forward to next week when we learn how God was with David all the time. David realizes this and starts leaning on Him again.

This sermon was so important to me because I realized that I wasn't alone in my anger with God. I realized that it was okay that I was angry. I wasn't alone in feeling like God had turned his back on me when Grady died. I wasn't alone in taking matters into my own hands, handling my grief on my own. Because after all, what kind of God who loves me so much would take my precious unborn baby boy from me? My life was going well. I had such big dreams of having a little boy. I had such hopes for the joy Grady would bring to our family. I could taste what it would feel like to hold him in my arms. I wanted him so much! And then, boom, in an instant it was all gone. Grady was gone. My dreams were shattered. I didn't know what to do or where my life was going, but I knew for sure I didn't want anything to do with God. But at the same time....He was all I had.

But the truth is, God was there all along. Being patient with me. Waiting for me to come back to Him with His arms open wide. Waiting to comfort me in ways that only He could.

I was writing last night in my prayer journal. Here's part of what I wrote:

"Thank you for taking that anger from me and turning it into something less destructive - confusion, something so hard to understand that it's just not humanly possible".

That's mostly what I feel now. Confusion. I don't know why we don't get to have and love Grady here on this earth. And it's not something that I can grasp. It's just something I have to live with and learn how to live with each day. I am so thankful, though, to have a heavenly Father who loves me, weeps with me, rejoices with me, and carries me through even the hardest times.

I don't know what, if anything, you're struggling with right now. I don't know where you are spiritually. I don't know if you have faith at all. But one thing I know for sure is this... No matter what you're going through. No matter what your circumstances. No matter what your struggle is...

God is right there with you. He is in control. He has a plan for you.

"....plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.



  1. What a beautiful post, Tonya.

    You are never alone...

    missing Grady tonight.


  2. Hi Tonya. I saw your comment on Ebe's blog and thought I'd stop over. I'm so sorry Grady is not with you right now. I know your pain. My third child and only girl was stillborn just a few weeks before Grady died. I'm so thankful you are resting in the comfort only Christ can provide. Zephaniah 3:17