Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Wish You Were Here

Where were you at 6am this morning? Probably sleeping!

Where was I? Right here...

I got up early to try to accomplish something very special. It didn’t turn out exactly as I had hoped. It definitely isn’t professional. But here it is...

It was only fitting that I write his name in the sand this morning. He would be 8 months old today. I won’t lie. This trip has been GREAT so far, but it has also been hard emotionally for me. This is another first for me without Grady. This would have been his first vacation and first trip to the beach. We decided to come to the beach this summer when I was pregnant with him. We love to go to Disney, but I’ve seen too many people with small babies there in the summer and everyone looks pretty miserable. Even though he isn't here, we decided we still needed a relaxing vacation and kept our beach plans.

My heart was very heavy yesterday. Our van was packed with luggage, beach toys, laundry baskets and coolers filled with groceries for the week. I was sad because, to look at our van, there was no room for another person. Even Emma Grace commented on the way down about where Baby Grady would sit. I assured her that if he was here, we would have taken less stuff and there would have been plenty of room for him, too!

Jessica wanted to eat dinner on our balcony last night. We are right on the ocean, 9th floor, Gulf-front. I happily obliged. When we sat down for our "gourmet" dinner of hot dogs, mac-n-cheese and corn, Jessica said, “Look, a rainbow!” I turned to look over my shoulder and sure enough, there was a rainbow. I hurried inside to get the camera, trying not to hurt myself in the process. It was half of a rainbow, but it was beautiful just the same.

I felt such peace when I saw it. I love the symbolism of rainbows, of God’s promises and truths. It reminded me that Grady is in the best place he could be. A place far better and more beautiful than where we are right now. (And it's pretty nice here!) I may hurt, but Grady does not, and never will. It reminded me that there is so much more to come. So much more to look forward to. That one day, all things will be perfect, just like that rainbow over the ocean. (Even if it was just half a rainbow!)

We have had a great first day here in PCB. We actually spent the entire day on the beach and not at the pool. I couldn’t believe it! The last time we came to the beach, neither of my girls would do anything but stick their feet in the water. Today, we couldn’t get them out! Jessica willingly went out, but Emma Grace went kicking and screaming, holding onto her Daddy’s neck for dear life.

The look on her face tells it all...

But it didn’t take long until she was asking me for her floaties so she could swim around more. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, but they had a great time. Somehow, they even got me in the water, past my knees! I can’t tell you the last time that happened. I love to walk on the beach but don’t so much love to be in the ocean.

Gib has taken the girls for an evening walk on the beach. We have all showered, and I honestly don’t feel like getting sandy again. I told Gib he was on clean-up duty when he got back. That was okay with him.

I think he’s having a pretty good time, too. What do you think?

You probably won’t hear much from me this week. I can blog at home, but the beach only comes once a year, if we’re lucky!

Before I go...

Dear Baby Grady,
Happy 8 month birthday baby boy! We love you so much, miss you so much and wish you were here! I couldn’t help but think about you today, especially when I saw a baby boy under an umbrella in his bumbo seat. I wondered if I would have thought to bring yours and do the same. My heart leaped and sank when I read MckMama’s post today about Stellan being 8 months old and what a joy he is to her. My heart sank at what I know I’m missing out on. My heart leaped because I know you would be just as much of a joy to me. I think you might have even had dimples like Emma Grace, and I do love to eat those up! I know I would eat you up, too! I am so privileged to be your mommy, even if it has to be from as far away as heaven. You are always close to me as the love in my heart for you grows more for you each day. I asked God this morning to tell you happy birthday and how much I love you. I hope He did. Sending a big hug and kiss to you tonight, my precious angel!
Love always,

I leave you with a picture Gib took on their walk...

“Talk” to y’all soon!



  1. Tonya,
    The beach is beautiful. I am so glad that you were able to get away for a bit. I pray that it is a restful, renewing time for you. I miss your sweet boy with you. I thought the exact same thing as you when I read about baby Stellan. I found out Samuel was gone the day Stellan was born. I remember checking her blog that morning to see if Stellan was born ok... just hours later I noticed I hadn't felt Samuel move. All kind of wierd. Yet I kind of like to hear what Stellan is doing, it helps me remember what my boy would be doing too... still sad too.

    Praying for you Tonya. May God bless you all with a wonderful vacation.
    Much love,

  2. Have a beautiful time at the beach with your family.

    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  3. I hope you all continue to have a great time at the beach!