Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

25 Weeks. Emotional Wreck.

I turned 25 weeks yesterday, and I'm so thankful I already had an appointment scheduled. I just didn't feel well yesterday. But on the way to the doctor I started having lots of pressure *down there*. I have frequent heaviness in my lower abdomen because of how low I'm carrying him, but it's way too early to be having pressure my friends.

But maybe not.

At least not for me.


My FFN test came back negative again, which was great. This is a test that has an 80% accuracy rate in predicting whether one will go into preterm labor or have a premature rupture of membranes (water breaking) within the next two weeks. I don't have total faith in the test, though, because unfortunately I know a sweet family who fell into the 20% group where it was wrong. The outcome of her pregnancy was not good. I will forever have that little bit of doubt in my mind about the FFN test...

Dr. Joe took a look at my cervix as he always does, and we could see Dumplin's hiney. Maybe my uterus just didn't like his hiney being there yesterday...sort of like it didn't like his head being there Friday. He thinks the pressure is just coming from the fact that it's my fourth may just be something I have to deal with. The good news is that it my cervix was long and thick which is just the way we want it to stay.

I've also been having terrible headaches. I don't have one as of yet today, but they've been bad. My blood pressure was normal to low. He attributed the headaches to my blood pressure and hormones. I think they're also from the fact that I don't get much sleep. The pain in my right leg often wakes me up and keeps me up.

Who knows!?!

But I know this...I was an emotional wreck yesterday.

Literally. Seriously. A wreck.

When everything checked out with my exam, I told Dr. Joe that I was having a hard time with symptoms and when to worry about them. He said a little bit of worry all the time was good, so that I didn't dismiss anything. But he went on to say he thought I was worrying a little too much right now.

It's hard.

Very hard.

And he could see that on my face. When he stood to leave, he walked over to give me a hug and told me to hang in there. The tears really started to flow...

You know how when you're having a bad day and someone does or says something kind, that's when you lose it. That was that moment for me yesterday.

I cried off and on all day yesterday. This is such an emotional time in pregnancy for me because Emma Grace was born tomorrow at 25 weeks and 2 days. I don't think the same is going to happen with Dumplin' but it does bring about a slew of emotions. I had a hard time at this point in my pregnancy with Grady, too.

But, I feel like I hit a wall yesterday. Pregnancy thus far has been hard emotionally. Just being pregnant again in general. Thinking so much about Grady and my pregnancy with him. Knowing that if he had lived I would not be pregnant with Dumplin' because he was definitely going to be our last.

But as far as emotions go, I don't think it's going to get better. In fact, I think it's going to get worse the further along I get. It's very hard to put what I'm feeling into words.

I want SO badly for Dumplin' to live. I have 11 weeks to go still. I know first-hand how much can happen during that time, both personally and through friends. It may sound like I'm only focusing on the negative aspects of pregnancy. If it does, then it does. Because I'm not. The risks and negative twists have been reality for me before. Just because certain things happened before does not mean they will happen again. But it also doesn't mean that they won't...

People can encourage me till they're blue in the face. And I need that to an extent. But honestly, too much cheerfulness and optimism makes me crazy. And mad. Because I also need for people to realize and try to understand what it's like to be in my shoes. Having lived through the worst. Having almost lived through the worst twice.

We made this decision to try again. We don't regret it for one second. We already love Dumplin' and my family is SO VERY HOPEFUL that he will join us as a living, breathing member of our family.

I am NOT having a pity party for myself. I just need to vent what I'm feeling. And it's not all good. At least not all the time. There ARE happy times. But in some ways I'm dealing with certain aspects of grief all over again, along with fear and anxiety and worry.

Dr. Joe told me as he was leaving to "Just Pray." I told him "I do." He said, "A Lot!" I told him "I do." And I know LOTS of you out there are praying for me, too. And that just means the world to me. In my opinion, it truly is the greatest gift you can give someone.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!


I tried to take a few pictures of myself yesterday but they didn't turn out too good. So I'm not going to post them. But I'm still big. Measuring 31cm at 25 weeks. Yes, I went from being 30cm on Friday to 31cm on Wednesday. And I gained TWO MORE POUNDS! Uggh. I had my one hour glucose test yesterday, and I'm really hoping I passed it. I had to do the three hour with Jessica and it was awful! Don't want to go down that road again...

I'll keep you posted.



  1. thanks for sharing honestly. i so appreciate that about you. and girl, i don't blame you in the least for being a wreck. i'll be praying.

  2. It is okay to feel worry. It is okay if you don't feel positive all of the time. I went through the exact same thing after Jeremiah with my pregnancy with H. She was conceived just 2 months after he died. I also went through severe anxiety with C because of the 3 miscarriages prior. I thought that if I made it past each point where the miscarriages happened and then at the point where Jeremiah happened it would get better. The anxiety did not get better until she was in my arms breathing well. And still to this day I worry about her more because of the medical issues she has gone through. I used to hate hearing the saying "this one will make it." Who knows? Anyway I hope and pray this babe will be born healthy and at a good gestational age. I look forward to hearing your blog good or bad. Please know that there are some of us that know what it is like and that life is not all peaches and cream and we are there for you. My prayers are with you.

  3. Praying for you as always Tonya. May you feel moments of perfect peace in the storm. There's no way to do what you're doing without fear/worry/anxiety etc., but at least you're not alone in it! Blessings! Can wait to meet Dumplin'!

  4. May the God of peace fill you with the peace that only He can give. Lots of love and prayers.

  5. Oh Tonya, this is so hard. I don't blame you one bit, I can imagine, I would feel the exact same way. I know I can't relate to all that you went through with Emma Grace. Please know that you are being prayed for by so many. I know it is a delicate balancing act... balancing the hope with the reality of what you have experienced... I totally get that.

    But Tonya, at the same time, I feel so hopeful for you and baby boy. You are in my prayers all the time. I am so glad you posted this because it helps me to know how to pray specifically for what you are struggling with. Love you girl! God has his hand on you and your precious baby right now!

  6. Tonya,
    You have so many prayer warriors out there praying for peace and health for you and little Dumplin'. So many mornings when I'm getting ready you come to mind and I just pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby for you.
    Thank you for venting and sharing your real feelings with us so that we know which direction to pray that God will help you through the day.
    Praying for a quick and healthy passing of the next 11 weeks so a completely healthy, living, breathing Dumplin' will be laying in your arms!

  7. Pray, but don't forget that you have friends who will listen and offer hugs (even if it's via email or phone). Call, email, or text ANY time. My thoughts, prayers, and love are with you all the time. Aimee

  8. This is my first visit to your blog but it's very special. I plan on catching up on some of your later posts! It was really nice getting to know you and learning your struggles.

    I think it's normal to worry, you seem to be very strong!

  9. Tonya,
    So glad I read your post this morning. I have had a "wreck" of a day (or two, or three) very recently, and whenever I go to the dr. with this pregnancy I always feel on the edge of tears, and I usually am able to hold it in until I get to the car... sometimes not though :) Amelia was definitely going to be our last as well, so I think part of it, is that I knew I wouldn't be going there if we hadn't lost Amelia. Such a mix of emotions.
    I wanted to share my blog with you. I started one in January, and have blogged weekly for at least a month or two now. I started out kind of slow :)
    I did a post about some of the anxieties I have been having with this little man. As I deal with emotions coming up, I think of you often, and hope you know I am praying for you... Our c-section date is August 6th. I believe in the day when we can exchange e-mail pictures of our sons, red and screaming :)
    Love and prayers,