Today is 10 months.
It's hard to believe that it has only been that long when it seems like an eternity in my heart.
I saw a quote somewhere (actually it might be the name of a blog, I'm not sure). I'm also not 100% sure exactly how it was worded, but the meaning struck me.
It was something like, "Born still, but still born". Or it might have been "Stillborn, but born still".
Nonetheless, it means the same both ways...
Just because Grady was still when he was born doesn't take away from the value of his life. He was still born, just as every other baby. I have a scar to show where and how he was born. My milk came in to nourish him as if he were still alive. (I wish God could find a way to prevent this - it really is a cruel joke when your baby has died!) He was born with a completely beautiful baby body. From his head full of dark hair all the way down to these perfect toes on his big, long feet.
This was originally the only picture of his feet that I had. Back in April, I emailed the NILMDTS photographer to ask if he had any pictures of the tops of Grady's toes. I couldn't remember what they looked like. I wanted and needed to know if they looked like his sisters.
To my shock and surprise, he emailed this to me.
He questioned himself as to why it wasn't included on my DVD. I'm not sure, but I know that at the time, I needed something else of Grady. This picture was truly a gift. I realized that I had never shared it on my blog, and thought today would be as good a time as any.
And his toes did indeed look like his sisters!
I'm so thankful for all of you who read my blog. But, today, I'm especially thankful for those of you who know my pain. It is indescribable. It seems like everywhere I turn, people minimize my loss. They minimize the impact that losing Grady has had on me. They expect me just to pick up and move on as if it never happened.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again...
I will never be the same person I was before Grady lived his short life and died inside of me. If any of you are reading this, and expect that to happen, I can tell you right now that it won't.
God has allowed this pain and heartache in my life for a reason. I accept that. I'm still learning to live with this grief because it can be crushing, still, at times. I know and trust that He has great plans for me to use this experience in a mighty way to reach out to others. I will rejoice in every day that I'm given here on earth with my family and friends. But I do long for the day that I join my baby, parents, and the others who wait for me in heaven. I long for the day where I only feel joy and there is no more pain, hurt and sadness.
God has carried me, and I'm trusting Him to continue doing just that.
Because days like these aren't easy.
Today is a day there are only one set of footprints in the sand.
Thank you for the privilege to know and carry Grady for the short time that I did. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Thank you for choosing me to carry one of your angels here on earth. Thank you also, Lord, for carrying me through each day of this journey. I don't know where I would be without your love and comfort. Your ways are not my ways, and I trust that yours are better. You never said it would be easy, but, Lord, it is hard.
Thank you for my beautiful children I have here with me, but Lord, I do long for the one who is not. Please scoop him up and tell him how much his Mommy loves him. Please tell him "Happy 10 month Birthday" for me. Give him a hug and a kiss from me right on his chubby little cheek (if they are still chubby now). Please let him know that I can't wait to hold him in my arms again. But until then, I'll forever hold him in my heart.
I love and miss you Baby Grady!