Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'm So Glad It Wasn't Me...

Do you ever feel that way?

When you hear terrible news, do you ever think, "Whew, I'm so glad that's not me/my family/my child."

I have.

And I'm not one bit proud of it.

But, I can't say that I think that way anymore. My perspective has changed. Now I think, "That so easily could be me/my family/my child."

We are not immune to tragedy, hurt and heartache. No one. Not even Christians. Everyone will have a "cross to bear", a burden or trial at some point, or several points, in their lives. I just pray that when your time comes, you have the cross and know the One who died on it for us, so that you can lean on Him and the hope He gives to carry us through.

I seriously don't know where I would be today without my faith and trust in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Moving on...

There are advantages and disadvantages to living in a small town. I am by NO means "popular". But, I've met a lot of people since moving here 3 1/2 years ago.

If I've ever wanted people to gossip, it was after Grady died. I know that sounds crazy. I know people have way better and much more interesting things to talk about than me. But I wanted to avoid the oh-so-painful question of "How's the baby?"

I know people were talking. And I'm glad because I know I would have been asked much more than I was. I remember each person who asked... Where I was... How I answered...

Everyone knew I was pregnant. Everyone was anxiously awaiting Grady's birth, just like us. Even the employees at Kroger...

For the longest time, I felt like I wore a sign on my head or my back that said, "My Baby Died".

Like the first time I went to Emma Grace's school after Grady died. It was for her Thanksgiving Feast. I walked in and felt all eyes turn to me. My sweet friend Nicole had gone with me so I wouldn't be alone. But, I tried not to make eye contact with anyone because I was fighting back tears. People either avoided me or tackled the topic outright. One sweet friend just came to me and said, "Can I just give you a hug?" Yes. Hugs are always great. Thank you, Rhonda.

Last week at Muffins For Mom, especially on Friday when it was 5th grade morning (Jessica's grade), I felt like I was wearing the "My Baby Died" sign and people were talking again. Probably not. But I had that feeling.

Everywhere I turned, there was either a newborn, an older baby, or someone who had recently had a baby. I felt like they were thinking, "I'm so glad that what happened to her didn't happen to me." "I'm so glad my baby lived and didn't die like hers did." I also felt like others were sitting at their tables saying, "Yeah. See the lady at the drink table in the pink shirt. Her baby died."

Again, let me be clear. I'm NOT trying to say, in any way, that people sit around and talk about me. I'm sure some have and maybe some still do.

So be it.

But I KNOW there are better things to talk about than me.

However, my mind was going crazy. Maybe it was insecurity. Maybe it was paranoia.

Maybe it's just utter grief that I'm still working through.

Wishing it wasn't me.

Wishing babies didn't have to die and none would again.


But that's not reality.

We live in a fallen world. A world of sin and hurt.

Somewhere tonight, right now, someone has probably just been told their baby has no heartbeat.


Have I told you how I hate that word?

I wish I was there to hold their hand.

Just to be there.

And stress how important and short the time is with their baby.

Instead, I'll just pray for them. And ask God to comfort them in ways that only He can. I'll ask Him to guide them and bring wonderfully compassionate and caring people in their path to help them along the most painful time of their life.



  1. I have thought and felt those exact same things that they are all looking at me and saying those same things. It is so isolating to be that person... the one whose baby died.

    And just last night I sent an email to an aquaintance whose nephew died just so she knows her sister in law can call or email me whenever. She just lost her baby at 22 weeks. It is so hard to know the road she is just starting to embark on.

    I loved what you said about the holy ground when your mother passes away. Man Tonya you have been through so much the past few years. You are a strong woman, an amazing woman. Keep relying on the one who carries us each day. Praying for you!

  2. I feel that way ALL the time and I don't even live in a small town. I hate being the lady whose baby died. I just want to be Lynda sometimes. *hugs* my friend, I'm so sorry.

  3. It hasn't been very long since Grady went to be with Jesus. I am sure that your pain is still so fresh, and that you miss him and think of him all of the time.

    That is so normal, because you are his mommy and he is your sweet baby boy.

    Remember the story of Jesus telling the disciples to "let the little children come unto me and forbid them not? For of such is the kingdom of heaven." Well, when our baby grandsons died I thought of that verse in a whole different way. I thought of our babies going to be with Jesus and I felt like He was teling us to let them go and "forbid them not" from coming to Him.

    One of our friends framed that verse and gave it to me. To me it was a reminder that Jesus knows best.

    Then many years later when our 6 year old granddaughter went to be with Jesus I had to be reminded of that verse, and how it brought comfort to me,... that He had a purpose for calling her to heaven to be with Him.

    Honey, His ways are always higher than our ways,..and we can't always understand why He allows certain things to happen. Especially when it involves taking away someone that we love so much. But we can simply trust Him and lean on Him in our pain and sorrow. He will even carry us when we are too weak to go on on our own.

    When we are stronger He will let us walk on our own again,..and eventually we will even learn to run, leap, praise God, and even dance again with joy.

    He will get you through this sad time sweetie, and even though we may never totally understand, we will come to acceptance. And I have heard a saying that I have found to be true,..."In acceptance lieth peace".

    Love and Prayers,
    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  4. What a beautiful heartfelt post! I could relate to every word. I wear that sign too, though at times I'm able to tuck it under an article of clothing or something. Other times it seems to have grown larger since the last time I wore it.

    I hate hearing of another mom, suffering through the loss of her baby. It brings back all the pain and trauma of having your baby die inside you. There is so much suffering around me. I long for the day when there will be no more tears or pain or suffering. Come Lord Jesus, come!