Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Happy and Sad

That's what I am tonight. Such a mix of emotion.

I am happy because the Lord has blessed me with another year of life. I'm 37 today and proud of it!

I'm sad because this day one year ago, I had an ultrasound. And saw my sweet baby boy. Big and healthy and strong.

I'm sad because I looked for the pictures from that ultrasound today, and I can't find them. All of the others are in one place in his room, but none from September 10, 2008.

Now it's driving me crazy as to where they are...

I'm sad because he's not here with me.

I'm happy because I have great family and friends who sent me sweet birthday wishes through cards, presents, emails and texts.

I'm happy because I got some yummy Mexican food for lunch with my great friends from work.

I'm happy because I didn't have to really cook tonight. We didn't go out, but we had leftover spaghetti. Works for me!

I'm sad because I don't have a living parent to celebrate my life with me. The day your child is born is such a special day, and I miss birthday wishes from my mom.

I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down tonight. I miss my mom. I miss Grady. Buddy has been a pain today...acting like his old self for some reason. The girls didn't get in bed until almost 10pm because of Jessica's softball tonight. I have to wake them up again at 5:20 in the morning...thank goodness tomorrow is the last day!

I'm so happy that the weekend is coming!

One more thing...

I don't like to single out my friends' birthdays on this blog because I would never want to hurt anyone by not mentioning them. But I do have to say a special Happy Birthday to Andrea! She is my very best-est friend in the whole world. We literally have grown up together. She is exactly, to the day, three years older than me, so she turned 40 today! She was having her third birthday party when my parents called to say they had a little girl. Our dads were best friends, and it didn't occur to them that we shared the same birthday until later. She is sort of my kindred spirit. We could honestly be sisters...

Happy Big 40 Andi! Hope we can get together tomorrow! Love you!

Off to bed.



  1. I am sorry you are having a rough night Tonya. Some days are just so hard. You have been through so much and you are an amazingly strong woman. You have persevered and the Lord is going to use you to minister to others through this all.

    I know how much you miss Grady. I have to tell you I just looked at his picture on the side bar. He is just perfect looking, perfectly precious. I am missing him with you Tonya. You were such a good mommy to him during the time that you carried him.
    Love and prayers.

  2. Happy Birthday Tonya! I am so sorry your mom and Grady are not here. If I were there I would give you a big hug, cry with you and want to hear all about your mom and Grady!

    Hope you are resting easy,

  3. Happy Birthday Tonya (belated). Sounds like an emotional day. I'm so glad that you could count your blessings while feeling some of the pains of this life.

    May God's peace comfort you in the days ahead.

  4. I didn't know it was your birthday on Thursday! Happy birthday.
    I know the first birthday I had without Owen was so so so hard.
    My heart is aching with yours today.

    love you,