Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hearbreaking & Heartwarming

Even though it's only 5am, I don't have much time to post. I have some things for the girls' schools to take care of before I shower and officially start the day. But I wanted to share something from yesterday that was both heartbreaking and heartwarming to me.

We met my friend Leah and her two boys at Chick-fil-A for dinner. Her boys are three and one. After we ate, the kids went into the playground area to play for a bit. For a few minutes, Jessica was entertaining and looking after Leah's youngest, whom we will call L. I couldn't help but watch her and be proud. She made sure he didn't climb up the slide; helped him into the circle tunnel and made sure he didn't get hurt. But at one point when I looked, she was under the play area on her back with L. on her chest. They were both laughing and having a great time.

It warmed my heart and broke it all at the same time...

I couldn't help but think of Grady in that moment.

I longed for him to be here, playing with his big sisters.

I told Jessica on the way to Walmart afterwards how proud I was of her for being so gentle and attentive to L. She smiled. And when I told her how much seeing her with L. made me miss Grady, she said, "Don't worry Mommy, I'll do it with [Dumplin'] too".

*I used these [ ] because she actually used the baby's real name instead of Dumplin', but I think I'm going to wait until he's born to announce his name here. I think!*

She has a moody side, my Jessica does (just like her momma I'm afraid), but deep down she has a sweet, kind, gentle spirit. It shined brightly yesterday. And that most definitely warmed my heart.

All of that thinking about Grady last night spilled over into my dreams. I don't often dream of him, but I did last night. I was crying in my sleep and woke up shaking. Gib was in the shower, and I'm glad, or I might have woken him up.

There's not much else to say.

My heart literally broke for my sweet boy in heaven yesterday.

But my heart was warmed by this sweet angel I've been blessed with on this earth.



  1. Tonya,
    I am with you friend. I am sorry for your heartbreak yesterday. I know that when the deep heartache is fresh, it is almost unbearable. Your love for Grady is so deep, so the heartache is so deep. You are a great mom Tonya. I can see how that with Jessica would just touch that sweet tender spot... Oh my, I can relate to that with having Hope here as well. Even though she is a girl there are moments like that here as well. When the reality hits of what you would have been seeing daily but can't. Oh it is hard.

    I will be praying for you today, I know how that sorrow can hang over you. I will be praying that the Lord's grace and presence would be close to you today.

    May you feel the strong loving arms of our Savior wrapped around you today... just like they are truly wrapped around Grady at the same time. Praying for you and Dumplin' too:)

    Love you Tonya!

  2. Tonya-
    I can so relate as well to this. And when Dumplin' (can't wait to hear his name!) arrives, that will bring a new kind of grief over Grady's absence, but it will also bring healing. I pray this week and the next 10+ go quickly and with much peace. Can't wait to meet Grady's brother!

  3. Tonya,

    J and L are so blessed by having you and your family in their lives. As Jay said on his way to school this morning, "I had a very, very (he said it @ 20 x's!) with Miss Tonya and Jessica and Emma Drace (as he calls her)!" I have no doubt that your girls will be wonderful help once Dumpling arrives and I would love for them to come practice again on my boys ANYTIME! ;) Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

    Love you,

    P.S.-The 24th is great for the girls to come over! :)

  4. There's so much love in your children, and I can't wait to see them shower it on their baby brother, the way they do on Grady in their hearts. It will be a beautiful sight, for us all.

    I love you, Tonya.

  5. What a sweet and also sad story. Its strange, how the moments of grief can just pop out of thin air. They still happen to me.

    praying for you!!