Here's another one-handed post. Probably won't be very long...
Today was my due date with Matthew.
And I'm a bit sad.
I went for my six week check-up yesterday.
And I was a bit sad.
You probably think I'm weird, and that's okay. My emotions belong to me, and they're very hard to explain. I'm choosing to share them with you the best I know how.
I'm SOOOOOO thankful for this sweet baby in my arms right now. In so many ways this is just the beginning. The beginning of his life and our lives as a family with him a part of it. PRAISE THE LORD! It's hard to imagine that I might have just recently given birth or would soon be having him if I were a "normal" pregnant woman. I guess that's because he has already been with us for so long. I wonder how big he would have been...
While this new beginning is wonderful and I'm so thankful for it, in some ways it's the end. And I'm sad about it.
This is where it gets tricky to explain.
For me, it's the end of Matthew's pregnancy, officially that is. No more dates to anticipate related to his birth. It's the end of regular visits to Dr. Joe's office. Sure, I'll go once a year, and I'm sure I'll have lunch dates here and there. But it's not the same as seeing them every two weeks or three times in one week. Maybe I have attachment issues, but I was really sad yesterday when I was leaving. (No I didn't cry if you're wondering) Dr. Joe said they weren't going anywhere and their door was always open. Very sweet, but not the same.
I think I'm just plain sad that my childbearing days are officially over. And now, mentally, they're over, too. Because in my mind I would tell myself that I could have technically still been pregnant with Matthew. And I can't say that after today.
I'm not really sure why I've shared this tonight except that it helps me to write things out. And I wanted to document this as Matthew's due date.
So long for now. Much to do before bed.