Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Due Sadness

Here's another one-handed post. Probably won't be very long...

Today was my due date with Matthew.

And I'm a bit sad.

I went for my six week check-up yesterday.

And I was a bit sad.

You probably think I'm weird, and that's okay. My emotions belong to me, and they're very hard to explain. I'm choosing to share them with you the best I know how.

I'm SOOOOOO thankful for this sweet baby in my arms right now. In so many ways this is just the beginning. The beginning of his life and our lives as a family with him a part of it. PRAISE THE LORD! It's hard to imagine that I might have just recently given birth or would soon be having him if I were a "normal" pregnant woman. I guess that's because he has already been with us for so long. I wonder how big he would have been...

While this new beginning is wonderful and I'm so thankful for it, in some ways it's the end. And I'm sad about it.

This is where it gets tricky to explain.

For me, it's the end of Matthew's pregnancy, officially that is. No more dates to anticipate related to his birth. It's the end of regular visits to Dr. Joe's office. Sure, I'll go once a year, and I'm sure I'll have lunch dates here and there. But it's not the same as seeing them every two weeks or three times in one week. Maybe I have attachment issues, but I was really sad yesterday when I was leaving. (No I didn't cry if you're wondering) Dr. Joe said they weren't going anywhere and their door was always open. Very sweet, but not the same.

I think I'm just plain sad that my childbearing days are officially over. And now, mentally, they're over, too. Because in my mind I would tell myself that I could have technically still been pregnant with Matthew. And I can't say that after today.

I'm not really sure why I've shared this tonight except that it helps me to write things out. And I wanted to document this as Matthew's due date.

So long for now. Much to do before bed.



  1. You sound just like I did after I had Case safely in my arms, especially the attachment to the doctor part. I had a really hard time for the first couple of months with Case. I think after the loses we've had you struggle to bond while you're pregnant and then you have a lot of catching up to do once the baby is here. Just wanted you to know that I don't think you're feelings are strange at all and I totally get it. You'll get through this though. Sending hugs your way!

  2. I think I understand. It feels very settled for us too. Though, I'm not sure if Hannah will be our first living and our last living biological child. I hope not, but it's not up to me.

    love you friend,

  3. I'm not in the same situation (at least not that I know), but I have grieved for other things related to pregnancy. I can only imagine how I would feel in your shoes, but I suspect I would feel the same way.

    By the way, I just saw the picture of Matthew in the sidebar and can't help but notice how much he looks like his big brother. Too sweet!