Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


My walk this week happened very recently. This past Saturday, in fact.

One of my very best-est friends, Shana, had her baby last week. When she told me she was pregnant it wasn't long after Grady died. She was very honest, up-front and loving in her approach. In the back of my mind, I told myself that by the time her baby was born, I MIGHT be able to hold him/her.

Enough time might have passed...maybe I would have healed hold another baby...

She and I have had numerous chats and emails about meeting her baby boy. She gave me total freedom to do what I could and what I needed to when her baby was born. She is one of the most self-less people I have EVER met, and I'm so blessed to call her my friend.

I won't lie...I cried when she let me know he was born. I cried honest-to-goodness genuine tears of happiness for her and her husband. This is their first baby.

And...I cried honest-to-goodness genuine tears of sadness for myself.

I SO wish our boys could grow up being friends...

I made the decision that I needed to go see him as soon as possible. I didn't want to visit in the hospital because of other visitors, etc. So, I made plans with Shana to take them dinner and have a visit this past Saturday.

It was hard. The anticipation of the visit was much worse than the actual visit. I just didn't know how I was going to react...

I still don't look too hard at babies.

I still turn away when I see a baby carrier.

I still cringe inside when I hear a baby cry.

But I went.

And it was great!

I walked in and he started making noise. Shana was worried but I said, "Let's go see him".

She changed his diaper, and he needed a new outfit. Very powerfully, the urge came over me to touch him. I asked her if I could change him. And I did. Then the best part...

I picked him up and loved on him.

She fed him, and I snuggled him on my chest in a blanket for at least an hour.

It felt good.

It felt right.

Did I miss Grady?


Did I feel betrayal to Grady for holding another baby?

Not as much as I thought I would.

Do I regret holding him?


In fact, I can't wait to go back!

If you've never gone through anything like this, this moment/memory probably won't carry with it the magnitude that it will for my friends who have lived through the horrible pain of infant loss. (If you're visiting for the first time, you can click on Grady's picture on my left side bar to read his story.)

Slowly, very slowly, I'm making progress. The Lord is healing my heart. Slowly but surely I'm getting a bit of my "old" self back. I'll NEVER be the same. It's just not possible. I don't ever expect to be. I'm a different person since Grady's death. BUT, I can see light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel of grief.

I am learning and trying SO hard to live a life that Grady would be proud of. I would love for him to look down on me and say,

"Yep. That's my mommy. She's a baby-lovin' fool!"

(You can scroll down one post to read where that thought came from.)

Here are a couple of pictures. (Shana made me promise that I wouldn't put the picture of the two of them on here!)

Thanks for walking with me today!

PS. One more thought...on that day last year (June 27, 2008)...we found out Grady was a boy!



  1. What a blessing you have in a friend like Shana. So glad you have been able to keep your friendship open and that you were able to love on that baby boy. Praying the Lord will continue to be close to you and bring joy to your sorrowing heart.

  2. My prayers are with you as you heal from the loss of your baby boy.

    You have a great friendship with Shana, and it took courage to go, when I'm sure you wanted to run the other way.

    Bless You.

  3. You are in my prayers, bless your beautiful heart.

  4. What a blessing to have such a friend. How special your time together & how special that she is so understanding.


  5. Tonya,

    You look absolutely beautiful! I am so glad that the Lord is helping to heal your heart. I am keeping you in my prayers.


  6. Tonya, I've been in that same place - and similiar places too. It IS hard - but you're right - it's harder to think about it than it is to actually DO it. God is always there to help us through those times and do some healing on us through them.

    My sister and I were pregnant at the same time (when I was pregnant with Anna). Our babies were due within 2 weeks of each other. When I found out about Anna's problems and what she/we'd have to endure, I felt jealous. It wasn't that I wanted her to go through that, but I just wanted an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby. It didn't seem fair to me.

    When Julia (her little girl was born), I was happy for her, but struggled. Of course, God healed me and Anna and Julia were close friends (cousins). Then when Anna died, Julia was the hardest one to be around because it was such an obvious reminder that Anna wasn't here. It IS hard, but God is strong and he can get us through anything.

    Thanks for sharing. I'm SO glad you were able to rejoice, hold the baby, change his diaper and be happy. That blesses my heart.

    And you are a beautiful lady. I love the joy on your face in that picture.

  7. Tonya,..I felt your pain as I read your post. I know that my Lynnette has had the same kinds of feelings. (And I just read her comment above) It is such a painful journey,...but Lynnette got to the other side,...and you will too sweet Tonya. With time, and with God's grace, mercy, and love. And with the help of your husband family, and special friends who love you.

    You look so beautiful with that little baby in your arms, and even though the smile is present, I know it was a bittersweet experience for you.

    I praise God for your special friend who is so sensitive to your feelings. She is kind and caring. I am so glad she helped you through it. Perhaps it will get easier each time that you go to see him and to hold him. I know you will grow to love that little guy.

    And Grady would want his sweet mommy to be happy. I am praying for you and I want so much for your heart to heal.

    Thanks for posting this so that we bloggy friends will know exactly how to pray for you.

    I'm proud of you for taking these steps.

    In Christ's love,

  8. Tonya,
    I am so proud of you... You have such courage. I haven't been able to do that yet, hold another baby... I haven't had anyone close to me have a baby that I would feel comfortable with given all the feelings it would entail for me. I am so glad you have such a special sweet friend.

    You do look beautiful in that picture... God is doing a mighty work in your heart. I can hear it in your words and it makes me smile. I continue to pray for the Lord's healing.

  9. Aww! What a beautiful baby!! I'm still dealing with the many friends that I was "pregnant with"... we were going to have so much fun being pregnant together and always compared our pregnancies..... theirs continue, they wear adorable maternity clothes, they talk of their babies moving, they post pictures of their ultra sounds and delights of it's a boy or a girl........ and I think of mine. So beautiful, so perfect... in heaven. I miss him.

    What a precious and sweet post, Tonya.

  10. What a beautiful post. I am so full of joy to read this.
    love you,