Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

His Life

This is NOT what I started writing tonight. My heart is heavy, my thoughts are jumbled, it wasn't making sense (and this one might not either!) So, I saved the post I was working on to finish another time.

I have been pondering something for a little over a week. It has made me start thinking about Grady's life and death in a new and different way...

I read a book recently that has made me think about Grady's life and how I want him to be remembered...

...the only life Grady will have is through the life that I live.

...I carry his message because he is not here to orchestrate his own.

...I determine what that message will be. Whether it's a message of happiness or sorrow, hope or gloom is up to me.

Questions fill my mind...

What is his message? (I know what I want it to be.)

How do I live it out?

Better yet..

How do I live it out and juggle the grief that I still tackle every day?

I don't know. But I'm working on it.

Gib said something to me yesterday that is so true, always has been and always will be...

"Deep down you know you're a baby-lovin' fool".

My husband speaks truth! I am a baby-lovin' fool!

I don't want the death of my precious Grady to change that. It is an important part of me, of who I am as his mommy. As much as I've tried to deny it since his death, simply because it has been too painful to look at a newborn or think of holding one, I am still a baby-lovin' fool!

Grady's life must live on through my love for, and the lives of, other babies...even ones that are not my own.

I cannot forever turn away when I see an infant carrier at church or in the grocery store. I cannot forever see a baby and think, "I should have one in my arms, too".

Because as hard as it is, no amount of yearning will bring him back. The yearning and sorrow I feel is NOT what I always want to have as a reminder of Grady. He doesn't need to be sad for him all the time.

I don't want that to be his message.

He needs me to be his mommy...who loves him even though he isn't here...who will love him until, and beyond, the day I meet him in Heaven!

That, I know I can do!



  1. such good insight from your hubby. thank you for letting all of us journey through this with you. love you.

  2. Tonya,
    You are making big steps in the right direction. Grieving is a process and you have moved onto a new plain. God is using Grady's life in your womb and death to do great things in your heart. I'm excited to see what he has for you as a result.


  3. Good post Tonya, one I needed to read today. You are such a good mommy to Grady. It is such a balance of grieving but yet remembering with joy the sweet short life of your son. Such a delicate line to walk sometimes. Thinking of you and praying for you tonight.

  4. Thank you for your willingness to be open. You words often echo my heart.


  5. Tonya -
    Thanks for the reminder that how I live is Felicity's legacy - how I love my boys and Paul, how I treat others, how I live with my grief rather than let my grief have me. Some days it's so hard!