This is NOT what I started writing tonight. My heart is heavy, my thoughts are jumbled, it wasn't making sense (and this one might not either!) So, I saved the post I was working on to finish another time.
I have been pondering something for a little over a week. It has made me start thinking about Grady's life and death in a new and different way...
I read a book recently that has made me think about Grady's life and how I want him to be remembered...
...the only life Grady will have is through the life that I live.
...I carry his message because he is not here to orchestrate his own.
...I determine what that message will be. Whether it's a message of happiness or sorrow, hope or gloom is up to me.
Questions fill my mind...
What is his message? (I know what I want it to be.)
How do I live it out?
How do I live it out and juggle the grief that I still tackle every day?
I don't know. But I'm working on it.
Gib said something to me yesterday that is so true, always has been and always will be...
"Deep down you know you're a baby-lovin' fool".
My husband speaks truth! I am a baby-lovin' fool!
I don't want the death of my precious Grady to change that. It is an important part of me, of who I am as his mommy. As much as I've tried to deny it since his death, simply because it has been too painful to look at a newborn or think of holding one, I am still a baby-lovin' fool!
Grady's life must live on through my love for, and the lives of, other babies...even ones that are not my own.
I cannot forever turn away when I see an infant carrier at church or in the grocery store. I cannot forever see a baby and think, "I should have one in my arms, too".
Because as hard as it is, no amount of yearning will bring him back. The yearning and sorrow I feel is NOT what I always want to have as a reminder of Grady. He doesn't need to be sad for him all the time.
I don't want that to be his message.
He needs me to be his mommy...who loves him even though he isn't here...who will love him until, and beyond, the day I meet him in Heaven!
That, I know I can do!