Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Hard Week

I've tried to keep a smile on my face this week, but truth be told, it's been a hard one emotionally. So many things that aren't all major but have piled up to be a big pile of emotional junk.

I'll try to be brief, as I know I'll visit each of these topics again in the weeks to come.

My week started out with an insensitive encounter with a doctor. Read about it here if you missed it.


I have been running in circles trying to get a CBRSB for Grady. That is a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. Because Grady never took a breath, he doesn't get a birth certificate. I was also told that he wouldn't get a death certificate because he never took a breath. The hospital AND the funeral home told me this. So, many thanks to people like my blog friend, Allie, who rallied GA Legislature to get the law passed to at least grant a CBRSB and acknowledge that our stillborn babies DID exist.

Long story short, I called Vital Records and sent them all the information they needed. When we came back from the beach I had a message from them. Called them back and was told they couldn't process his certificate because he wasn't in their system and I needed to call the hospital. Waited for the hospital to call me back. The manager of medical records was super nice, but said, "I don't want to sound dumb, but I have the form in front of me and I don't know what to do with it. You're the first person to ever request one."


According to the hospital, Grady's info was entered into the computer, but for some reason the state couldn't pull it up. I'm waiting to hear back from both organizations to see if they got it worked out.

It is frustrating and emotionally exhausting. There shouldn't have to be so many loop-holes to go through. And thank God I'm up for the challenge and this isn't happening right after Grady's death. That would have put me over the edge. But still...


I went back to work at the preschool this week. I am SO thankful for my job. I am SO thankful for the wonderful people I work with. I am SO thankful that I get to be a part of those little children's lives.

BUT, I'm not supposed to be there. Well I AM supposed to be there...but not according to my plans!

I should be home taking care of Grady.

But I'm not.

There is a little boy who goes to the preschool named Grady. He is a precious, beautiful boy with wonderful parents. Every time I see him, it reminds me of my Grady and the fact that I won't see him grow up. Every time I hear his name called it reminds me that I'll never get to call my Grady by name.

Remember this post about the wonderfully sweet family in my subdivision? We shared the same due date...I thought she was having a girl, but at the Easter festivities I learned they had a boy...I felt like I had been slapped in the face because I was staring at a baby who should be just the size of Grady?

Well, they also have a two-year old little girl who will be coming to the preschool on Tuesday and Thursday. The days that I work. You cannot get to the classroom without walking right past the office where I will be. Which means that I will have to see this sweet baby every week. Twice a week.

Can I just tell you how hard that's gonna be?

And I don't want to ignore them because they're too sweet and that would just be rude. I can't do that. I don't want to do that. I've always enjoyed talking to the mom. I'm just hoping and praying that seeing that baby on a regular basis will be part of my healing and won't contribute more to my hurting heart. The encounters are inevitable...might as well embrace them and make the best of them, right? Easier said than done, but I'll give it my best shot at least.


I am always anxious about school starting and who the girls' teacher(s) will be. I'm extremely sad that Emma Grace is starting Kindergarten, so all of that added together was heavy yesterday.

BUT, Emma Grace has a wonderfully sweet teacher and para pro. They both gave me the impression that they are Christians. Her teacher was named teacher of the year two years ago. She not only won for the school but the district too.

Jessica also got a great teacher who everyone says is very good and very sweet. The nice thing about this class is that she's self-contained, which means she has only one teacher. She won't be switching between two teachers like she has done the last two years.

I also learned yesterday that there are no bus monitors on the buses this year. I didn't much like that. I have always driven Jessica to school in the mornings, and she rides the bus home in the afternoon. Not this year. They will both be car riders. I'll be spending the early part of my afternoons sitting in line because traffic is SO bad! Maybe I'll get some good books read while I'm waiting. They're at two different schools, though, which will be a challenge to get them both picked up on time.


I just haven't had it all together this week. I never did my big grocery shopping and have been going to the store to get things every day. I hate that!

Buddy has been giving me a run for my money. He's all puppy, that's for sure. He did GREAT the first few days with not having accidents in the house, but the last few days have been different. At least he's confined to the kitchen and breakfast room so it's easier to clean. But I'm ready to let him roam around the house more and be a true part of the family. We're just not at that point yet. He is doing great in his crate, though. He will go in there to get a toy or just lay down, even when we are home. I'm thankful for that!

I'm not sure what we'll do this last weekend before school starts. It's been very rainy here, so I guess much of it depends on the weather. The girls and I are off to shop today for school supplies and a few clothes. It's tax-free weekend, so I'm sure the stores are going to be super crowded.

That's about it. Not as brief as I hoped, but thanks for hanging in with me if you're still reading!

Have a great weekend!



  1. Hi Tonya, I feel for ya sweetie. It is only natural to look at children who would be the same age as the ones we lost and wonder what our precious little ones would look like, and what all they would be doing at that age.
    This happens to Lynnette too.

    I am also so sorry for the mix up with the certificate and the hospital records. That would be frustrating to say the least.

    Hearing your Grady's name at pre-school all of the time will certainly spark emotions,..I am praying for God's Grace for you.

    Having your little girl in Kindergarten is an emotional time too. I cried when my youngest went to Kindergarten. But somehow we mommies get past it,...and we do have to let them grow up. My baby girl turned 37 yersterday. (I am feeling old,...I was 22 when she was born)

    I always took my girls to school and picked them up,...for the most part. I was one of those careful moms that was always wanting to be "safe", not "sorry". And I am that way with all of my 11 grandkids too. My family teases me and always says,..."Don't worry Grandma!" I may worry at times,...but I pray for them like crazy and always ask God to protect them.

    I also used to take books with me everywhere when I found myself waiting. And then I bought a little bible for my purse and used to pull that out and read the Psalms and Proverbs while I would wait at the doctor etc. They brought me peace.

    Your puppy is so cute, and I am sure that he will be a part of the family for many years to come. Hang in there. Soon the little "accidents" will cease, and he will be easier to take care of.

    Ok pretty blonde lady,...this is all for now. You take care of yourself and keep looking up! God is your strength!

    Love, Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  2. Hi Tonya,

    I am so sorry that this week has been so heavy for you. I wish I could make it lighter... can I? Is there something I can do? I'm here...

    OH, and the stores ARE crazy... we went to redeem the children's Chik-fil-a Kid's Meal certificates and met the rest of our area all at the same intersection at the same time of day. It was amazingly crowded!


  3. Tonya -
    I'll be praying you get the Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth for Grady. We got ours for Felicity. MN issues a death certificate but no birth certificate which strikes me as odd since they worked to revive Felicity since we didn't know she had died before birth. Makes me mad that we don't get birth certificates, but it has to do with the abortion industry. THey are the ones that have fought the bills that have been introduced. Oh, and in the states that have the Birth Certificate Resulting in Stillbirth bill passed, the HOSPITAL is supposed to file for it for you, but most of them don't know this. Ours didn't until we found out about it and told them.
    Praying you have a good w/e!

  4. I am so sorry that you have had such a difficult week!

    I was stopping by to thank you for leaving an encouraging comment on my blog. Seems you need some encouragement too!

    I hope that you can enjoy your weekend and that things will be better for you next week.

  5. Thank you for posting about the CBRS certificate, I had no idea it existed! I did a search and found a phone number, but I couldn't find anything about it on the Vital Records website. Did you just call the number from the SHARE website? Once I get up the courage I'm going to call. I hope you get Grady's soon!

  6. Just wanted to say I love you and miss you.