Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I Should Be Used To It By Now

You would think that after 8 1/2 months since Grady's death that I would be used to people saying insensitive things. I know. I thought I was getting better, too.

You would think that those things would just roll off my back. That I could hold my head up high and not let it bother me.

I fooled myself, too.

I went for a physical yesterday. The doctor (not Dr. Joe) asked me how I was doing. I said "physically, mentally, or emotionally?" He looked at me kind of funny and asked me if anything was going on. I told him that I had a stillborn baby in November, but other than that, I was doing okay.

He didn't say anything but came over to check my throat, listen to me, etc. When he was done, he said, "So what did you say happened in December?" I told him again of Grady's stillbirth in November. He gave me his condolences, "I'm so sorry to hear about that", which was nice.

It should have stopped there.

But it didn't.

As we were walking out the door, he said, "Well, again, I'm so sorry. But, you know, sometimes things happen for the better."

I know I stood there with a stupefied look on my face. One thing that I have gotten better at is standing up for myself and my baby.

I said, "For the better as in how?" with a slight tilt of my head. (Being a smart "you know what") He went on to say, "Well, you know, the baby might have been born with severe problems or he might have spent his life on a ventilator. You just never know."

That's right. I'll never know. Because Grady never had a chance. I have thought of it all. Every reason anyone could think of, I've already thought of it. And it's not good enough. None of it!

I know this doctor meant well. But it came across all wrong. How can my baby dying work out for the better? Would he have thought the same thing if one of his children died before birth? Probably not.

You must think I'm a mixed-up mystery. I've said before that the silence, not mentioning Grady or acknowledging his death is very hurtful. And it is.

But it is just as hurtful to have others view my baby's death for the best. Like it was a good thing.

Is it for the best that I will live my whole earthly life without one of my children?

Is it for the best that I will never know what kind of boy/man Grady would have grown up to be?

Is it for the best that I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out of me?

Is it for the best that I am learning to live with grief like I am learning to live with this new puppy? ...The grief as part of my daily life. Some days better. Some days worse, even suffocating at times. It's always there, lingering, even on good days.

Is it for the best that Emma Grace asks me now, when someone else is having a baby, if that baby is going to die too? Is it for the best that her innocence (and Jessica's too) was stolen at such a young age?

I can't, for the life of me, figure out how it's for the best.

All I know is that it is part of God's sovereign plan for my life. I don't like it. But I accept it. Because it's part of His plan.

And His plan IS best. Whether I like it or not.

Sorry for the vent. I've had a hard day in general, and this has been eating at me. I feel a little better now. Thanks for hanging in there with me!



  1. I know how you feel. I still get comments like that. It has been 4 years since my son's stillbirth and people think I should be over it. I will never be over it. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and what ifs. It is not for the better, he should be in your arms. I am sorry to hear that doctor said that to you and you have every right to be mad.

  2. Tonya -
    So sorry you had to deal with that and from a doctor, no less. One minute they seem to be so compassionate and the next they say something so incredibly painful. My old doc, the one who came to the hosp. and told us Felicity had died, who saw Felicity multiple times that day, referred to her repeatedly at multiple appointments after her death as my "fetal demise." It made me want to scream. But yet when I miscarried, she seemed different, like she could relate to that, which made me wonder if she'd experienced a miscarriage herself. Again, I hope you don't have to deal with this doc again so as to stir up these unwanted emotions again. I know you (and I) would give a limb or more to have our babies with us again, brain-damaged, hooked up to a ventilator, whatever, because then at least we wouldn't have a part of ourselves missing.

  3. T,
    I could tell you were having a hard time today, but I could not put my finger on it. Glad I know what some of it was now. I also felt for you during the CPR/First Aid refresher course was hard for me to keep my mind on what we were supposed to be learning...kept wondering...if this and suppose that concerning Grady. So, I felt for you during that time.
    I apologize for what the Dr. had to say to you. Some people just don't know what to say and when they think they are doing the right thing by offering sorrow, it just comes out the wrong way. I know that does not make it any better. It's like you said...we will never know. BUT I do know this, Grady would grow up to be a beautiful, strong, joyful individual, just like the rest of his family here on earth!
    Hoping you have a better day tomorrow!

  4. Oh Tonya,
    What you said actually brings me comfort, even though I am so sad for you that He said that to you. It brings me comfort in the sense that I still have such a hard time with what people say to me. I rarely can just blow it off, but I wish I wouldn't take it so personally and let it set me off so much.

    I am glad you stood up for yourself and your baby. I think sometimes that is how we educate others on what is appropriate or what grieving people need.

    I have had the same exact thing said that maybe Samuel wouldn't have been healthy or had some disease etc. I have heard it more times than I can count. Greg and I always say the same thing that Rachel said, we wouldn't have loved him any less or wanted him any less. We so wish he was here no matter how that may have been... even though he was perfectly beautiful and healthy looking:)

    Missing your sweet, precious, Grady with you. Thinking of you and praying for you. Thanks for your prayers for our friends and us... so sweet of you to know WE would be needing the prayers too. It was sooooo difficult, but I am so glad we were able to be there for them.


  5. It is hard to be in situations where people think they are saying the right thing to me. Nodding has become my new response. I just don't know what else to do. I'm glad you said something. Maybe next time he will think before he speaks. He didn't seem attentive to begin with as you had to repeat yourself. I hope you don't have to see him anytime soon.

  6. Sometimes the hard days just keep coming, don't they?
    I am so sorry. So very sorry. I just can't imagine the heartache you are going through.
    I've lost three babies of my own, and God's grace is abundant. I know that. But some days it is so much harder to see it through the thick, hot fog. I hate it.
    I thought I'd send you this link, maybe it would resonate with you:
    May God bless you and keep you. And may His face shine ever so brightly upon you!!

  7. ugh...oh, Tonya, I'm sorry.

    I feel like this so much of the time. Rarely it is a day when people say things that bring hope and comfort, instead of hurt and anger.

    lots of hugs and love,

  8. Tonya,

    I'm sorry that people don't know what to say and say insensitive things. There is no reason that we will ever understand. The loss of our children's innocence has been very hard for me. My sister is pregnant right now. Her oldest daughter and Jacob were talking about what they baby would be, Sid saying that she really wanted a girl. Jacob said, "Let's just hope it's not a dead baby. That's all I got." It broke my heart.