I Should Be Used To It By Now

You would think that after 8 1/2 months since Grady's death that I would be used to people saying insensitive things. I know. I thought I was getting better, too.

You would think that those things would just roll off my back. That I could hold my head up high and not let it bother me.

I fooled myself, too.

I went for a physical yesterday. The doctor (not Dr. Joe) asked me how I was doing. I said "physically, mentally, or emotionally?" He looked at me kind of funny and asked me if anything was going on. I told him that I had a stillborn baby in November, but other than that, I was doing okay.

He didn't say anything but came over to check my throat, listen to me, etc. When he was done, he said, "So what did you say happened in December?" I told him again of Grady's stillbirth in November. He gave me his condolences, "I'm so sorry to hear about that", which was nice.

It should have stopped there.

But it didn't.

As we were walking out the door, he said, "Well, again, I'm so sorry. But, you know, sometimes things happen for the better."

I know I stood there with a stupefied look on my face. One thing that I have gotten better at is standing up for myself and my baby.

I said, "For the better as in how?" with a slight tilt of my head. (Being a smart "you know what") He went on to say, "Well, you know, the baby might have been born with severe problems or he might have spent his life on a ventilator. You just never know."

That's right. I'll never know. Because Grady never had a chance. I have thought of it all. Every reason anyone could think of, I've already thought of it. And it's not good enough. None of it!

I know this doctor meant well. But it came across all wrong. How can my baby dying work out for the better? Would he have thought the same thing if one of his children died before birth? Probably not.

You must think I'm a mixed-up mystery. I've said before that the silence, not mentioning Grady or acknowledging his death is very hurtful. And it is.

But it is just as hurtful to have others view my baby's death for the best. Like it was a good thing.

Is it for the best that I will live my whole earthly life without one of my children?

Is it for the best that I will never know what kind of boy/man Grady would have grown up to be?

Is it for the best that I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out of me?

Is it for the best that I am learning to live with grief like I am learning to live with this new puppy? ...The grief as part of my daily life. Some days better. Some days worse, even suffocating at times. It's always there, lingering, even on good days.

Is it for the best that Emma Grace asks me now, when someone else is having a baby, if that baby is going to die too? Is it for the best that her innocence (and Jessica's too) was stolen at such a young age?

I can't, for the life of me, figure out how it's for the best.

All I know is that it is part of God's sovereign plan for my life. I don't like it. But I accept it. Because it's part of His plan.

And His plan IS best. Whether I like it or not.

Sorry for the vent. I've had a hard day in general, and this has been eating at me. I feel a little better now. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Love,
Tonya