This post doesn't have an official title. I simply don't know what to call it. I'm happy. I'm sad. My emotions are all over the place tonight. I've waited too late to post. I'm tired and really just want to go to sleep. But, at the same time, I really need to blog. This is such a great outlet for me and my feelings...all of them. The good, the bad and the ugly!
Why am I all over the place emotionally tonight?
Well, first of all, for all of my female readers (which I think are all of you except for my hubby) I'm VERY "PMS-ish". That isn't a real word, but I just made it one.
We had a great day at church, eating lunch at the Varsity and running errands afterwards. However, we didn't get home until 3pm. My brother was already here to watch the girls for us to go back to church for our Dave Ramsey class. I SO didn't want to go. I was tired and really wanted to just change clothes and veg-out at home. But I went. And I'm glad I did. We were home only about 15 minutes before we left again.
So...I'm tired, grumpy, head-achy, worn out, thinking about Grady more than normal today, really just wishing for a reprieve from this VERY blessed, yet difficult, life I'm living right now.
Gib got a call this evening from his brother that they had their baby boy today.
First of all, let me say a BIG, GENUINE CONGRATULATIONS to them. They have a little girl who is two and now a baby boy. I'm so happy that the baby is healthy and mom is too. From what I heard from Gib, and (no offense honey) you know how men are with details, she had some bleeding this morning and 911 had to be called. They delivered the baby today one week before scheduled, and as far as I know, mom and baby are doing well.
This might not make any sense to some of you, and you might never read my blog again because you think I'm such a terrible person. This might make perfect sense to others. But, as happy as I am for them, I'm human. I can't help it. It's very hard for me to admit. But...
Ugghhh. I said it. It's something that I feel very often. But it's so hard to admit, confess and own up to. I hate it. I hate this feeling. But, it's the honest-to-goodness truth.
Whether I like it. Whether I hate it. Whether you think I'm terrible or accept me as human with faults just like anyone else. I can't help it. I'm working on it. I'm praying about it. I'm trying to climb over this mountain of despair, loneliness and jealousy that I encounter in situations like these. But, let me tell you how high a mountain it is to climb. It's not easy friends. You cannot imagine what it's like unless you've been there...
I imagine their excitement. I imagine how wonderful it is to hold their baby boy in their arms. I imagine the already deep, deep love they feel for this little one. I imagine how many congratulations and well wishes they will receive and well deserve.
But, at the same time, I can't help but think how differently it turned out for me.
Instead of excitement, I felt (and still feel at times) like the biggest failure of a person that ever lived. The one thing I was supposed to do was keep my baby healthy, alive and well inside of me, and I couldn't do it. He died. Instead of bringing life into this world, I brought death. An unimaginable feeling...
Instead of holding a live, squirming, crying baby, I held a still baby boy who I willed to wake up. Move. Make a sound. And nothing came.
I had the same deep, deep love for Grady, and I still do. But, I have to love him in my heart only. Not in my arms, with cuddles and kisses. And from a very far distance.
Instead of getting sweet cards of congratulations, I got cards of sympathy. Each one sent was special to me. But to be honest, one day, the thought crossed my mind to throw all of them in the trash because it just wasn't fair. It wasn't right. That a time in my life that should have been so happy had turned into one of the longest, darkest tunnels I've ever traveled. I just wanted things to be different. Fortunately, I didn't act on my immature impulse, and I still have them all.
For the record, this is not the first time I've felt this way. I feel this way every time a new baby is born. And the truth is...
I just wish our story had the same happy ending.