Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Oh Me

Good Saturday morning! Or good *whatever day you read this* morning, afternoon, or night.

Do you ever say something like "Oh Me" with a big sigh after a long day? Like when you recline in your favorite chair or stretch out on your sofa or bed?

Well, that's what I'm saying about this past week. It was long and filled with lots of emotions, adjustments, changes, struggles, etc.

Oh Me.

I tried to keep myself busy with both girls being in school all day. I worked Tuesday and Thursday mornings and kept the other days as full as possible, while also being fair to Buddy and his need to eliminate, you know.

I had a difficult, but much needed, conversation with the mom of the baby who is the exact age Grady would be. I will spare you all of the details leading up to the conversation, but let's just say that I was already choking back tears Tuesday morning at work. She was trying to get bags of school supplies out of her van, while holding the baby, too. She had already made two trips into the school and I felt so bad. After all, I am the *helper* at the preschool, so I decided that I needed to get over myself and help her.

I walked outside and said, "Here, let me help you". She had the baby on her hip, facing outward, reaching into the van. She said, "Would it be too insensitive or do you want to hold him?"

I broke into tears and told her that I couldn't.

It broke my heart.

He is such a beautiful baby boy, and part of me did really want to scoop him up.

But I couldn't.

Oh me.

We moved inside the preschool and continued to talk. I found out that her due date with him was November 28th, not December 5th like me. I also mustered up the courage to ask her exactly when he was born...

Because I just needed to know. You know?

He was born November 21st. Grady was born November 12th. (But he was scheduled to be born November 14th via c-section)

Oh me. Oh, my breaking heart.

As we were talking, both with tears in our eyes, I learned that she had avoided me with the baby at the preschool last year. She was doing her best to spare my feelings. I so appreciated that. (And I had avoided her, too. To spare my own feelings) She wanted to talk to me at the end of the school year last year, but the time was never right, as I was always with or talking to someone else. She had written me a card but never gave it to me, not knowing if that would make it better or worse.

I explained how hard it was for me to see her baby because he is as close as I think I'll get to seeing what I'm missing in my arms and daily life. I told her about my blog and that I've written about her family and how I'm hoping that seeing him regularly will help my healing. She offered to do whatever she could to help.

The whole time we were talking, the baby was grabbing for her earring, smiling at me, laying his head on her shoulder and she was stroking his precious head.

Oh me.

We hugged twice, and I put my arm around his back and my hand on his little shoulder. He felt so sweet and loveable, even with that small touch...

There is also a sweet, beautiful boy named Grady at the preschool. He is precious (and so is his family) and from what I hear, he loves for me to get him out of the car in the mornings. Well, I'm the one in the car pool line on Tuesday and Thursday. Tuesday morning, he drove up. I don't know why, but it tore my heart out to open the door, and with a big *genuine* smile, say "Good morning Grady. How are you today?" His blonde hair and beautiful smile flashing back at me.

Hard. Another dose of reality. Knowing I will never hear someone say that to my Grady in the car pool line. Knowing that I will never say it to him myself.

But the funny thing is...I want to get him out of the car.

That was just a hard day, and Thursday was hard, too. The reality of my life was very clear.

Back at work. Alone in the office. No baby kicking me like when I was there last year. No baby at home to take care of.

Our sermon last Sunday about forgiveness and reconciliation has also weighed me down. More to come on that.

I have a family get-together today. My Aunt Juanita (with whom I picked blueberries) is turning 70 on Monday, and we have a surprise birthday party for her this afternoon. I am so happy to celebrate with her, but I'm also very anxious for various reasons. Seems like nothing can be easy...

But, I want to leave you on a happy note. The girls had a GREAT first week of school. Jessica did very well and seems to like her classmates and teacher. Emma Grace had SO much fun. So much, in fact, that she told me going to school was more fun than being at home. Well, I'm glad she feels that way since she will spend so much time there.

I'm also very excited because this evening we are going back to the first church we joined after we were married. They are having their 50th anniversary celebration and we're going to celebrate with them. I'm looking forward to seeing some of our friends from our *newly married* Sunday school class. We have great memories of them and that church. Should be great fun!

I hope that all of you have a great weekend with your family and friends!


1 comment:

  1. Tonya, the song you have playing on the blog is one that we had my sister in lay sign to at Samuel's memorial service, I think it one of my favorite parts of the service. Greg too. Can you have a favorite part of your baby's service? That sounds funny.
    What a week for you, I was wondering how it went. You survived it girl. I am proud of you. Really, I think you have the courage to do so much more than me at this point. I know you can't compare journeys, let me just say, I am happy for you for that. And when I read it I say to myself that woman is amazing, strong, and courageous. :) You are amazing Tonya. It was so nice to hear the kids had a good week at school. Thinking of you and missing missing our sweet boys together... isn't it amazing as you watch another with their little one how you just miss all those little things all the more... the rubbing of their hands, cooing, all of it. So hard. Praying for you Tonya. Thanks for sharing.