Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Little Things

The little things in my life seem to be mounting to big ones.

I'm trying real hard not to let them get to me.

But they are.

Wanna know some of them?

Probably not, but I'm going to share with you anyway. You can stop reading here if you want.

I love Buddy and he's very cute, but it's going to cost us a lot of money to train him properly. The local trainer I've been emailing called me today, and we talked for over an hour. Sweet lady who really knows her stuff, but our issues might be bigger than anticipated. This is money that that we don't really have to put toward our dog and didn't anticipate spending. However, I hate to give up on him. She was encouraging and told me not to blame myself. He has potential to be a great dog. It's just not going to be easy.

Story of my life lately.

And I do blame myself.

Seems like everything I try lately fails...

Grady died. Inside of me. That's a terrible thing to live with day in and day out.

I can't keep up with the housework and daily chores that I need to get done.

Laundry keeps mounting no matter how frequently I wash.

I cook dinner and no one likes what I make. Mainly the girls, and this is fresh on my mind because I tried a new dish tonight, and the girls weren't crazy about it. You say, "What's the big deal about that? So what if they didn't like it?" Well, we hardly EVER go out for dinner. It saves SO much money to eat at home. I like to try new things, and they end up being a flop. I get tired of eating the same things over and over again.


I only work two mornings a week until 12 noon, but it seems that I don't have time to get anything done. Where does my time go? And I haven't been spending much time on the computer lately, and I certainly don't lounge on the sofa watching tv. I tend to wander aimlessly around the house trying to find little things to do.

I don't like to be home because I'm very lonely. When I'm home alone during the day, all I think about is Grady and how wonderful it would be to have him here to love on and keep me company. Therefore, I try to keep myself busy, but that comes back to bite me because my house and chores get neglected.

I have so many projects that I want to work on, but I don't have the money or motivation to get started.

I want to exercise so I will feel better about myself and feel better physically, but I have no motivation to get my butt moving.

The thought to pack up Grady's room crosses my mind daily, but I don't have the energy to set it in motion and actually do it.

Helping Jessica with her homework lately has been a very stressful and a trying time for me. I don't want it to be this way, but she is not very receptive to me helping and/or correcting her. This is why I truly admire all of you wonderful mothers who home school your children.

Sitting in the carpool line for an hour everyday is about to put me over the edge. Emma Grace doesn't want to ride the bus home. Maybe I should make her, but I'm not ready to take that step yet.

Forget about contemplating BIG decisions in life, like whether or not to try for another baby, because I can't even get a grip on the little things. Shoot, it seems that I can't even take care of what I already have on my plate!

Gib was very frustrated tonight when I told him about my talk with the dog trainer.

I broke down into tears.

There are many days that I feel like life would just be easier if I got a full-time job. I feel like the duties at home would then be split 50-50, and I would at least feel like I had accomplished something with my time. However, with the way things are right now, I'd probably fail at that, too.

I'm trying to raise money for my breast cancer walk in October, and it's not going as well as I would like. If you're reading this and have donated, THANK YOU! I'm absolutely terrible at asking people for money, especially these days with times as hard as they are for so many people.

My stepfather's health is not good at all. He is very strapped financially and is not very educated on how to eat properly. Nor does he have the money to buy really healthy foods. I'm praying that I will be able to help him plan some budget-friendly meals and get some of his health concerns turned around. I love him so much! He took great care of my mother and loved her with all his heart. My girls love their "Papa Roy". He may not be "blood" related, but he is that and more in my heart.

I'm stressing about the next two weeks with my PTO obligations. I have to be at Jessica's school at 6am to help get ready for Muffins with Mom and Donuts with Dad. Gib leaves home at 4:45am, so I will have to get the girls up to go with me. It's only for 6 days, but still...


Well, I guess that's enough for tonight. I know this is Satan trying to pull me down, but I'm having a real hard time fighting him!



  1. Tonya -
    Sorry you're feeling stressed with all that's going on. I understand how you feel and I have felt more attacked by Satan this past year, than ever before. He's definitely trying to get you while you're already down. I'll be praying about many of these situations and just know that the way you are feeling is normal. You have a lot on your plate right now and God will help you through. There may be more stress emotionally with Grady's 10 month Heaven day approaching in a couple of weeks. Try to find some time where you can relax and just pour your heart out to God. He ALWAYS listens and cares!

  2. Tonya,
    My heart is heavy for you. I am so thankful that you put it all into words... now I know better how to pray for you. And I agree with Rachel that the devil... who is looking around for someone to devour(it says that somewhere in the bible...just couldn't tell you where:) is after us, he knows we are already down, have lots of doubts, guilt and questions. We are down, but not out my friend. Keep persevering each day... His mercies are new every morning... but don't you just long for the day, when it still doesn't rest so heavy on your heart, constantly? I sure do:)

    I know exactly what you mean by so many little things being so hard to accomplish. It is overwhelming at times. I used to be able to handle so much, and do it all so much better than I can even do the little things now. I do feel like all you said it really normal, at least I have felt the same way. This just must be a part of the new normal for us... hard to get used to.

    Can you believe our boys have been in the Lord's presence for almost 10 months. Some days it feels like years, some days it feels like yesterday, how could so much time have passed with out them here? At times, it is still hard to accept the reality of losing Samuel.

    Tonya, know I am on my knees for you. I am here for you. You aren't a failure at all, I understand your feelings completely. But just know that there are many walking along side you through this. The Lord created you to be the special, beautiful person He that you are. Rest in HIM. He promises to NEVER leave us or forsake us. Praying for you friend right now.

    Sorry for getting long winded...:)

  3. Oh, Tonya. I ache for you as you approach Grady's first birthday.

    For me, it seems like the little things are just too much on top of what is really going on. Our little boys aren't here.
    Everything else (no matter how small) are heaped on top of that reality and it feels way too heavy to carry.

    I'm sorry. I wish I could help in some other way.

    I love you and am always here for you.
    We must try to get together soon.

    love you,

  4. Hey Tonya. Just had a quick minute and thought I'd check out your blog. I'm glad I did and I got to read what you are feeling. Please know that I am praying for you. I have felt exactly like you at times, being overwhelmed at the 'little things'. But one thing I want you to remember is what an incredible person you are! It sounds like you are not giving yourself enough credit here! You are an amazing wife, mom and friend! Please know that! It's hard trying to be supermom, so don't!! I gave up a long time ago! About Buddy... I'm not the one to be giving advice, but hang in there! He's just a puppy and he will grow up! Call if you have some time. I am here!

    Love you and miss you!