This post doesn't have an official title. I simply don't know what to call it. I'm happy. I'm sad. My emotions are all over the place tonight. I've waited too late to post. I'm tired and really just want to go to sleep. But, at the same time, I really need to blog. This is such a great outlet for me and my feelings...all of them. The good, the bad and the ugly!
Why am I all over the place emotionally tonight?
Well, first of all, for all of my female readers (which I think are all of you except for my hubby) I'm VERY "PMS-ish". That isn't a real word, but I just made it one.
We had a great day at church, eating lunch at the Varsity and running errands afterwards. However, we didn't get home until 3pm. My brother was already here to watch the girls for us to go back to church for our Dave Ramsey class. I SO didn't want to go. I was tired and really wanted to just change clothes and veg-out at home. But I went. And I'm glad I did. We were home only about 15 minutes before we left again.
So...I'm tired, grumpy, head-achy, worn out, thinking about Grady more than normal today, really just wishing for a reprieve from this VERY blessed, yet difficult, life I'm living right now.
Gib got a call this evening from his brother that they had their baby boy today.
First of all, let me say a BIG, GENUINE CONGRATULATIONS to them. They have a little girl who is two and now a baby boy. I'm so happy that the baby is healthy and mom is too. From what I heard from Gib, and (no offense honey) you know how men are with details, she had some bleeding this morning and 911 had to be called. They delivered the baby today one week before scheduled, and as far as I know, mom and baby are doing well.
This might not make any sense to some of you, and you might never read my blog again because you think I'm such a terrible person. This might make perfect sense to others. But, as happy as I am for them, I'm human. I can't help it. It's very hard for me to admit. But...
I'm jealous.
Ugghhh. I said it. It's something that I feel very often. But it's so hard to admit, confess and own up to. I hate it. I hate this feeling. But, it's the honest-to-goodness truth.
I'm jealous.
Whether I like it. Whether I hate it. Whether you think I'm terrible or accept me as human with faults just like anyone else. I can't help it. I'm working on it. I'm praying about it. I'm trying to climb over this mountain of despair, loneliness and jealousy that I encounter in situations like these. But, let me tell you how high a mountain it is to climb. It's not easy friends. You cannot imagine what it's like unless you've been there...
I imagine their excitement. I imagine how wonderful it is to hold their baby boy in their arms. I imagine the already deep, deep love they feel for this little one. I imagine how many congratulations and well wishes they will receive and well deserve.
But, at the same time, I can't help but think how differently it turned out for me.
Instead of excitement, I felt (and still feel at times) like the biggest failure of a person that ever lived. The one thing I was supposed to do was keep my baby healthy, alive and well inside of me, and I couldn't do it. He died. Instead of bringing life into this world, I brought death. An unimaginable feeling...
Instead of holding a live, squirming, crying baby, I held a still baby boy who I willed to wake up. Move. Make a sound. And nothing came.
I had the same deep, deep love for Grady, and I still do. But, I have to love him in my heart only. Not in my arms, with cuddles and kisses. And from a very far distance.
Instead of getting sweet cards of congratulations, I got cards of sympathy. Each one sent was special to me. But to be honest, one day, the thought crossed my mind to throw all of them in the trash because it just wasn't fair. It wasn't right. That a time in my life that should have been so happy had turned into one of the longest, darkest tunnels I've ever traveled. I just wanted things to be different. Fortunately, I didn't act on my immature impulse, and I still have them all.
For the record, this is not the first time I've felt this way. I feel this way every time a new baby is born. And the truth is...
I just wish our story had the same happy ending.
Love,
Tonya
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Oh Tonya,
ReplyDeleteI could never think you were terrible, otherwise I would be the same terrible person. Everything that you said resonated with me completely. It is so hard to not be jealous when our situation turned out so the opposite. There have been probably 15 babies born at church since Samuel. Everytime I hear there is another born, I hate to admit but that is always a worse day for me. It is so hard to be around all of the celebrating and excitement, when I remember clearly how it felt (And still feels) to be avoided and have people be so uncomfortable around me for months... many months. It is just so hard... so so hard when our ending was so the opposite of the excitement and celebrating.
Tonya my heart breaks for you tonight... Sometimes I just wonder when will I get over the hump and it will get easier... I don't know if you ever feel that way. But I was telling people at my 20 year reunion last night that I will probably be 75 and still be crying over my precious boy. But Tonya, that is what we are, mommies who love deeply and miss deeply their sweet babies. You are a wonderful mama.
I was just inspecting that picture you have on the side bar of Grady. He is beautiful, just precious... such pretty lips. I am missing him with you tonight. Tonya, I am storming the gates of heaven on your behalf right now. Keep giving the hurt to him, He is here with you even when you can't see HIM. Tonya I am here for you. I mean it, if you ever need to talk to someone for real on the phone, not just blogland:)
Sending hugs!
sara
For the record, I don't think you are a terrible person. If all of us were honest, I think we would all be shocked at some of the heart emotions that we are all hiding for fear of sounding like a terrible person. Only God's grace can bring beauty out of our hearts. And God's grace is at work... in both of us.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved. You are prayed for. And I wish that made everything better. God is able to make all grace abound to you...
You are NOT a terrible person! I've been there quite a few times too and even though we have another baby on the way, there's not guarantee I'm not going to feel that way again, the next time another baby is born healthy. This post sounds so much like one of mine from back in April when one of my friends had a beautiful baby girl in a wonderful homebirth. All I could think is, why not me? I see her daughter weekly and she's always a reminder to me of what I don't have. Praying for you Tonya, but please know what you're feeling is NORMAL for a grieving mommy, in fact if you didn't have these emotions, I might wonder if you were grieving in a "healthy way" as weird as that sounds. It's what you do with those emotions that matters. ("In your anger, do not sin") Pour out your sadness and jealousy to Jesus! Someday I pray we can rejoice at the birth of another healthy baby and at the same time rejoice that our children are happy and whole in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Rachel
Hi Tonya~
ReplyDeleteFirst, I just want to say that I pray for you and Gib often. I've talked to my husband about you, and told him how I have found comfort in reading your blog. It is very normal the way you are feeling. I totally understand!!
Last week I was at the Post office standing in line and there was a newborn baby crying. I got teared up just listening to the cry and it's been 5 years since I lost my baby. I never got to even hear Kyler cry. It's so hard!! At this very moment my heart has been heavy from missing another one of Kyler's milestones--kindergarten. Yet, it is my prayer that you and I and all the grieving moms out there seek and savor our Savior, our first Love. My passion for Christ was born from the pain and sorrow of losing Kyler.
Keep pouring out your feelings. There are so many hurting people in this fallen world and many of them who don't have a relationship with Jesus, therefore no hope of heaven like we do.
Just know that I continue to lift you up to our loving Father.
Love & prayers,
Jennifer
Hi, I stumbled upon your blog through my friend's. I just wanted to say that you are NOT a terrible person for having these thoughts. I can't even fathom what you've gone through & it's only normal that you would be envious of someone delivering a healthy baby boy. Try to cut yourself a break; beating yourself up over these thoughts will only increase your stress & sadness.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers.
Tonya,
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you right now. I wish so badly I could change the outcome of this story.
I encourage you to share your feelings - I applaud you for having the guts to say out loud what so many of us think, but fake on a daily basis.
For those of us that know your heart, no one could ever judge you. God gave us lots of emotions; you are just experiencing alot of them at the same time. I pray for the day when you are once again living instead of existing.
Luke 17:19 - They faith hath made me whole.
Your faith will once again make you whole. Remember our God is "an on time God"
Thank you again for your honesty. I struggle with this as well, particularly at church for some reason. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteCecilia
Tonya, you are not a terrible person. I feel the same way all the time. And not only when a new baby is born. I feel jealous when I see my husband's neice, who is older than Caleb. I feel jealous when I see parents with toddlers and pre-schoolers and even high-schoolers. I just want MY son. The same way you want little Grady. I'm sorry we have have to deal with this. You will be in my prayers tonight.
ReplyDeleteWith Love, Summer